The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

I'm sorry you are still stuck in situation with person who caused your trauma. I don't know what the housing situation is in the US...do you have 'social housing' or an 'emergency rehousing situation'?
Would your doctor who knows of your DID and other conditions be able to refer you to get on a list for 'social housing'? ...or would that be a worse option?

Maybe even mentioning your considering it (even if you aren't ...but if they realise you looked into it and know how to start the process) maybe one of the people your dad would listen to could have a word with him on your behalf to let him know his behaviour is making you very unhappy?

Jay

Thank you both. Our sister had tried to explain things to him, and it'll be ok for a while before her reverts back to his more abusive behaviors. Leaving here isn't really an option right now, though. Our sister lives in Atlanta and can't be here in case of emergencies and our dad doesn't want to move to be with her. As for social housing, getting a voucher for government housing is a long process that will take around three years and then there's the issue of finding someplace that will take the voucher locally that has space. We've started to realize that we're kind of stuck in the city we currently live in until our current doctor retires because finding another doctor who adjusts for the autism is going to be difficult. Sometimes it feels like we're caught between the real world and our trauma and autism. It's going to be difficult dealing with so many things.

Over the next couple years we're going to work on getting the resources to be more independent, and our sister has discussed moving closer once her mother-in-law passes. Hopefully, we'll keep it going until we can move out. We have a tonne of friends who are helping, and one of our friends who is also a system has set up a way for our Littles to interact with their Littles. This is helpful since the two children they would come out around are no longer available to talk to. One is now living with her mom and grandparents after her parents (our friend EW and his wife) separated and the other (HI) is now apparently going to be adopted by a loving family who does know about her trauma. Gia even came out on Saturday to talk to our friend's Little.

Take care,
Vi

So...the good.

Our Littles now have a place where they can talk to another set of Littles. A friend of ours is also a system and they have set up voice chat and we talk through there, and it's allowed our Littles to start talking to their Littles.

Also, last night, Leila came out to be around friends for the first time. That was amazing.

But a situation came up with our friend LB, and that is something we need to talk about a little. LB was unhappy that Pippa hadn't been out for a while. We understand that our alters come out when they want to and there isn't a real choice in that. However, in the middle of all the mess, LB wanted to talk to Pippa. We did try to explain that Pippa just hadn't wanted to come out lately, but she felt pressured to come out. I'm going to presume that this was not something that is nice to do. Pippa tried putting on a 'happy face', but wasn't happy.

Vi

The joys of complications...so, we've had a few flashbacks and nightmares. This lead us to up the doses on one of our medications to deal with it. Unfortunately, that seems to have lead to one of the less pleasant side effects kicking in. I should point out that our doctor actually said we could take more of the medication up to a certain limit if we needed to, so it isn't like this was us deciding that more was better.

We won't be having therapy this week as our T is on vacation. This is fine. We're glad she's taking time for herself. It also reduces the stress we are going to be under since this week will include multiple appointments.

Pippa's been coming out more lately, but I'm finding that we've been doing a lot more masking lately to hide again. It's lead to more strain and a decrease in what we can do each day.

Vi

So...Ianthe decided to make her presence known. She's linked to a specific time frame in our life, namely 8th and 9th grades (ages 12 to 14). She's very much a protector and actually hit people to protect us from bullies.

She makes 26 alters now. Looking back, it feels so strange to assume that we only had a handful. This probably means that there are a couple more alters left to fill in the gaps between ages 14 and 18.

Vi

Right now, I'm exhausted and dissociating a lot. There's been way too much stimuli lately and it's just shutting me down. Part of it was also having our twenty-seventh alter come forward and make it clear that she's there. Sathya is another in the category of 'not very nice' alters, but I'll explain that in a bit.

This past week was a lot of appointments. Endocrinologist, the new internet provider, the dentist, and physical therapy. This week upcoming is the phlebotomist, the opthemologist and physical therapy. Through all of this our dad has been doing the usual routine of not noticing problems and not thinking three steps ahead. Or even one step ahead. I've explained to him that the heat and humidity can really upset the body and he ignores it.

Through all of this, add in the usual rounds of switches to deal with things and just to enjoy being out.

So, this is all exhausting. One thing that I've noticed is that, when we do have an alter who finally makes their presence known, if they've been 'leaking through' already, them disclosing that they are there takes away that leaking through and makes me feel kind of hollow and alone for a while. I wasn't sure if that was something that happens to others.

And then there's the fact that, when someone comes to the front and I have to sit and keep an eye on them and the world, when they return to the Inner World, I have access to some of their memories for a little while afterwards. Usually that goes away after an hour.

Now, Sathya...

Trigger Warning: Sex and Abuse

I'm not sure how to explain this, but Sathya is a full on sadist. She's absolutely a maladaptive protector, but she's the kind of person who wants to just hurt people in ways that will stop them from hurting us ever again. So much of what she would want to do is sexual in nature too, but so much of it is out of anger and hatred. I don't want to describe what she wanted to do to those who hurt others.

Right now, Sathya is back inside the Inner World. Unlike Marcus, she never wanted to turn her eye to hurting the other alters, so she's never been a huge problem in that respect. It just feels like her desire is to hurt those who hurt us so they can never hurt us again.

Trigger warning ends

Take care,
Vi

So...our uncle will be out of the house on the 1st of August or there abouts and isn't staying here very much. This is good, but it has meant that Catherine is out a lot more and been discussing things with regards to what happened with him a long time ago.

As we have gotten a better understanding of what abuse is, it has caused us to reevaluate a lot of relationships and actions of the past. Right now, our friend groups have shown themselves to be far more accepting and have not had any abusive hallmarks.

The thing is, our friend groups shifted over the last few months too. All of our current friends are neurodivergent (Autistic, ADHD, AuDHD) and this has included three systems as well. They all understand so much about how being autistic and having ADHD can affect someone, and they haven't been at all abusive towards us. It's been wonderful and weird.

Vi

I know the feeling! It's super weird to discover that we do belong someplace and also, that most people will be so misunderstanding of us that they will have abusive behaviors.

It feels like being another species sometimes. Just because our brain is wired a little bit different.

Thank you, and it's been surprisingly nice to have people who understand. Both friend groups have been understanding of the trauma issues as well as the autism. They're glad that we listen when playing video games instead of being upset when I do something wrong and hurting us more. They've also not asked us about alters who don't want to come out and being social. We had that problem with one of the friends we no longer have contact with.

It's been wonderful

Vi

We've hit the point of autistic burn out due to the last two months and especially last two weeks worth of everything. We think this has also impacted our physical health and put up blocks that make it harder for the others to come out and front. We're just all very tired and don't have the energy to cope with the physical pain let alone handle switching. It's lead to very few switches the last two weeks coupled with occasional conversations between us.

The good news is, we now know that our dad has ADHD, and he was diagnosed a few years ago but either I wasn't told or he never told anyone. This means we can make adjustments and help him better. It makes how some of how he has behaved less abusive and more a product of his uncontrolled ADHD. It doesn't make it right, but having an understanding of what is going on makes it easier for our system to cope with it. We keep encouraging him to do things to help him with his memory and to stop him from being distracted.

Beyond that, been emotional and tired. The good news is that tomorrow will be the last non-regular appointment for some time and we can start recovering.

Vi