Ethan the Alien's Misadventures! [Journey Thread!]

I'm sure there are other big things to update here, but I'm mostly thinking about something that happened about two sessions ago?
A much more distinct alter had been fronting for a big, and she was there for therapy as well, and it was really distressing for me (her) because I felt like my therapist was a stranger, in a way, and I just overall felt really anxious.
And at some point, eventually, I started to feel this pressure between my eyes. It wasn't painful or anything, just a feeling. And I felt like I was going to pass out. My head felt heavy and I felt like I was going to pass out.
I felt like a much more drastically different alter was going to front, and I didn't say anything, because I was scared that I was being dramatic I guess? And expecting some DID stereotype possession to happen. But I think that is what was going to happen. But I was too afraid, so nothing happened, just that pressure feeling and me feeling scared I was going to pass out or something. I assume it probably was going to be a ""possessive switch"", but I hate using the language of possessive versus non-possessive switching because it feels like people treat "possessive switches" as the only "true" switches or something. Or like "possessive switching" = DID, and if you experience "non-possessive", then it's OSDD.
I got told that constantly, that people would tell me I was describing OSDD, not DID, or something.

Would I lose total consciousness is a "possessive switch" occurred? That's what I'm afraid of. And saying/doing things that I'd feel embarrassed about, I guess.

The thing about DID that stresses me out is the idea of losing consciousness while a different alter "takes control."
Like, how is that possible for ""you"" to lost consciousness, even though you are still somehow conscious, because a different alter is fronting ?
It stresses me out, and it feels like it has implications that I don't like.
Like, are my alters only TRULY fronting if ""I"" lost consciousness? Who is ""I"??? If ""I"" = being conscious, does that imply that being conscious is "the true/real person" and being unconscious are the "true alters"? Because that's what it feels like people and literature are saying. That being conscious is ""the host"" which means ""the actual real/true person"" and being unconscious is when alters are fronting.
I don't know.
Does this make sense?
I hate viewing my DID this way. But I'm always so afraid that that is truly how it works.
I don't know. I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around how it's possible to go unconscious, yet still be conscious. And if it really is like going unconscious and waking up as if you were totally, completely asleep, like.. What are the implications with that? Does that makes sense what I mean by that?

It is a unusual concept to have to try and understand I agree. I (Lily) feel I last truly fronted between the ages of 11-13, but our body is mid 50's...where have I been all that time? I know I wasn't 'out front' as had no memories of life until others actively shared those memories with me.

I also have no memories of an 'inside life' either (for that period of time) so I must have been 'sleeping'.
We have had external hosts who hosted 10 years or more with no knowledge of the inside and only hosted for stuff like being at school/college/work. our insiders used to slip out... EH never knew but looking back there would just have been memory gaps unless an insider sent 'false memories' so eg they could tell someone at work what they'd been doing at the weekend.. our insiders would do that so they could get longer time periods out without it appearing weird that the external hosts never remembered any of the weekends or evenings.

I think that would have been considered co-consciousness so the insiders were sharing the memory of what they'd done with the EH so they felt like thats what they'd been doing too, but back then we didn't know the terms or that DID even existed! We did have a fear of being 'locked up' or 'sent away' due to the old fashioned beliefs about mental illness when we were young if we were at all seen to not be behaving 'normally' so I guess as a result the insiders (that liked to 'sneak out') became highly skilled at 'pretending to be host' so no external people got suspicious.

I guess communication would be the key as now we all know of each other and share day-to-day memories so like even though I haven't been out all weekend I know what 'we' did so no longer 'wake up not knowing what happened'.

Lily

Gosh, where do I even begin. There has been so much to update, but I haven't felt like updating. I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot since last time.

Well the other day during therapy, we went over some stuff in a questionnaire I did last week. And we were going over it and two main things ended up happening:
- The questionnaire basically kinda suggested agoraphobia as a possibility. And I thought about it and went huh. That would make sense. And so I looked a bit more into it after session and really resonated and really felt like it made so much sense for why I'm so terrified of leaving my house and especially being out in public without my partner or someone with me.
- My therapist commented that the like stress scores were the highest she has seen in her private practice, which honestly has just made me sit with myself and try to grapple with just how horribly traumatized I am. Like, obviously it's a questionnaire and you can't ""measure"" stress, but... The HIGHEST she has seen? In her private practice as a therapist? She has been a therapist for years. She's seen many people, I'm sure. So it's just.. Wild to think that I'm 'that' traumatized and 'that' stressed.

I was denied health care coverage. Really broke down horribly over it. Got to talk with my therapist about it, and she was able to help me re-apply for healthcare (in the U.S. we have medicare/medicaid as healthcare options for low/no-income households, and since I have no job, I would be able to get healthcare coverage this way). It was accepted, so I at least have health insurance still. Even though it's. Still my #######5 health insurance.

I actually got to really have an amazing session with my partner and her mom a few weeks ago, and it went so, so well.. I actually got to talk about some feelings I had and how I was hurt about my partner's mom saying she doesn't like that I ask my partner to do essentially everything for me, and we were able to talk it out and she fully was just like yeah I don't feel that way at all, not since after you told me. And it was just really nice. And I got to talk more about DID and she ended up saying "oh! That makes sense now!" and it was just so validating.

There's definitely more I've forgotten, but those are the big things for now

Oh wow, I didn't realize I had updated about that last stuff (regarding agoraphobia and that one session with my therapist). I really thought that my last update was much longer ago... Uhh that doesn't sound like a correct sentence


I FINALLY had an upper endoscopy yesterday!
They said everything looked normal and they were going to do a biopsy. I at least can rest that there's isn't some kind of cancerous tumor or severe ulcer or hole in my stomach or something.

So as I'm sure many people know, yesterday was a huge like.. Thing that happened with Microsoft.
I was so scared they were going to have to cancel my appointment, and thankfully they didn't have to. I was so terrified.


On the other hand, I've been really alone.
The one closest friend I had hasn't been talking with me really at all for months now, and we have talked it out at least three times now, but it's kinda just whatever I guess. I don't know. It's not any fault on my part or her part, things have just been happening in her life, I don't know I don't feel like getting into it, but it has left me feeling so alone because I have nobody else I feel close to to talk to about certain things, like the possibility that I experienced organized abuse as a child..
I made one other close friend, but she also hasn't been active for awhile now, she's just been inactive due to trauma recovery and whatnot.
But I just feel so alone. I don't feel close to anybody else the way I felt close with them, and I tried to open up about stuff regarding the possibility of OA in a server I've owned for like a year+ now, but one of my friends said something that really invalidated me and I no longer feel okay or safe.
I have friends, I'm just not close with any of them the way I'm close with these other two people.. And with my girlfriend, it's not that I can't talk to her about these things, it's that she just never really has anything to say in response. Which is totally fine, I'm really the same way with many things (we are both autistic), it's just not exactly fulfilling? I don't know how to explain, but yeah.


I still feel clueless about my alters, my DID, any trauma. I still feel just as clueless as I was when I was first researching DID. I'm not any closer to figure out my alters than I was before.
The way DID is spoken about online and the way other people with DID talk about their experiences are still so unrelatable to me, I wish that I could see my feelings and experienced represented - spoken about online, represented in media, etc..
I think that my types of experiences with DID aren't spoken about online in large part due to the fact that there. Really isn't anything to talk about?
I feel like I am so dissociated from things that it makes it seem like I don't struggle, or that I don't struggle as bad, and I think I am so dissociated from things that I really just do not have anything TO talk about about my DID specifically.
I still feel as if I don't experience amnesia, so I can't talk about that. And I also can't relate to others, either, when they talk about their amnesia.
I don't feel like I dissociate, so I can't talk about that. So I can't relate to people who talk about their dissociation either.
I don't feel like these.. Moodstates..? Modes? Self-states? Are what alters truly are, because people never really talk about their alters as "when I was doing/feeling/thinking/saying/etc. (xyz), I-" they're always like "Yeah lol Jackson cut our hair and then Amy switched in and had no idea we cut our hair" and stuff like that.
I don't experienced flashbacks or nightmares really, so I can't talk about that.
I don't relate to people talking about their trauma either, in fact I only feel so unrelatable to them that it brings me denial.
So it's like - there isn't anything really I can talk about with my DID, because I'm so dissociated and so unaware of my experiences that I CAN'T talk about them.
Every time I want to try drawing something or writing something to explain my experiences, I just can't.
I'm just so unaware of anything that I can't talk about them, BECAUSE I'm so dissociated and unaware.
You can't exactly talk about DID if you. Still aren't really aware of what your DID experiences are.

It's so difficult to accept these things. I know I've definitely been getting better, and I am better at accepting that these experiences truly are what alters are and that I really do have DID and these really are alters, it's just hard still, and I am not any closer to figuring out alters.
I don't know. I'm sure I vent about this a lot, and I am aware that these things are completely normal for DID. It's just hard to believe that when so many things online, in media, and people talking about their personal experiences seem to give evidence to the contrary.
(And before anyone says, I'm aware media isn't accurate and online isn't accurate, but it's a little hard to believe you have DID when even the research and literature about it also isn't relatable and also still talks about DID as like "Jackson took control of the body-", "Emily fronted and didn't know Ash cut the body's hair-" etc.).

I don't know, augh, I'm getting better at accepting this. I accept that I have DID, I just. I just feel alone is all, and I just wish I could find things that I really relate to. I dunno.
Even when people say they have similar experiences, they still end up saying things that kinda make me feel in denial. I know nobody is going to relate 100%, obviously, and everybody is different.


I am not looking for validation or anything!!! I'm just rambling and venting.
I hope one day to be able to be the representation of DID for other people that I wish I had.

Ah, I think I poorly worded what I said about my girlfriend, I moreso was just trying to explain that it's difficult to hold a conversation about complex mental health problems with people who don't relate/don't understand. My girlfriend and I have been together since we were 15/16 and she's the best thing to ever happen to me and I love her deeply, I just don't want to give the impression that I like ??? Don't feel close to her or something

But anyways - my DID experience is very much like uhh.
I switch frequently throughout the day, but I'll have periods of time (usually a week or two weeks or so) where I'll generally be ""one"" ""main"" "identity" (alter) (in terms of just like. Noticing things like "this name has been floating around in my head", "I've become attached to this identity" type of things if that makes sense) and eventually I'll come to accept that it's an alter and sometimes eventually find a name for said alter and whatnot. Once that alter establishes themselves as, well. An Alter and comes up with a name/title/whatever, that usually transitions into them "disappearing" and not really coming back.
I always had so much frustration over this and it put me in denial because "isn't the point of DID that there are alters that keep coming back to front? Is it really DID if I'm just seemingly a different, "new" alter every week and they generally speaking don't really front again?" and I always felt that it was pointless to try and give names to these 'identities' (that I now understand to be alters) because "it won't come back anyways, what's the point?"
And I realized in therapy that I'm pretty sure what has been happening is that each alter is trying to establish themselves as alters, figure out a name, identity, etc., and once they come to accept these things and establish some semblance of "I am an alter and these are the things I've noticed about my behaviors/etc." and whatnot, they stop fronting and a different alter begins to front again for THEM to start having the same process.

I don't know if any of that made any sense, so essentially:
Each of us has to accept ourselves as, like. Actual 'alters' and genuinely find ourselves and establish an identity in a way and once we're able to do so, a different alter takes the wheels so that they, too, can do the same.
By the way, when I say establishing an identity, I don't mean like.. Alter viewing themself as some separate person or whatever. That's not what I mean (we don't even see ourselves as separate people anyway, I am just somebody with DID and that DID causes my behaviors, opinions, likes, dislikes, emotions, etc. to change, and those changes are alters).

I have always felt that I'm polyfragmented, and I talked as well with my therapist about how if I were to truly write down every tiny detail of things I notice about switches and differences of alters etc. etc., it would be in the thousands, and how I have a lot of denial over that and worry about adding "too many" alters to our list of alters and my therapist was really validating in saying that she does believe we're a pretty large system and that it's okay if I have listed out like a thousand alters. It's just nice to have that validation and I feel a lot better about going all out and really just writing out Everything even if it does end up being in like. The thousands.

Hello everyone.

Our denial has gotten so, so much.
We've been so happy and proud of ourselves.

Recently, over the past week, we have been writing out.. A ton of stuff in our phone notes app to share with our therapist.
It details things regarding programming and sexual abuse -- my dad grooming me and sexually abusing me, organized sexual abuse, being used for exploitation material, etc.
Obviously with lots of denial and "these things aren't real, I'm just writing them out as if they are, but they aren't real memories or feelings or anything." And I've been so scared that they're too unbelievable and that my therapist wouldn't believe any of it or believe.. Me, but of course she did, as she always does, ha..
I have yet to truly be Not dissociated from any feelings of distress, I just feel really happy, really relieved..
I've felt like I've been drowning and choking under water and I'm finally gasping for air.
I keep feeling like "wait, so you believe me? You really believe these things happened? I can say these things happened? I can say that I've survived these things?"
And also feeling so scared that she actually Doesn't believe me and I feel like she's just supporting me and making me feel happy as a "prank" and a "joke." I keep reasoning with myself and telling myself that that's definitely not the case, it doesn't make sense, etc... I can only compare it to the way people say the phrase "pinch me, I must be dreaming." Like I just need to be told and reassured that this is ? real ?
I know I shouldn't want these things to be real, but I'm too dissociated from the distress to really feel that way or anything.
All week, while writing everything, I kept feeling like I wanted to scream and like I wanted someone to tell me that I'm telling the truth and I wanted someone to believe me.