How do you deal with nosey neighbours gossiping?

Does anyone else live alone but have different alters who front who may have different voices to each other or use speech in different ways (maybe one talks more formally sounding as if they were in a business meeting and another more in your local accent/language)?

Do you tell them you have DID? Do they have a legal right to know what is 'going on with their neighbour'?

..so basically my back door is right next door my neighbours with a slatted fence covered with that willow screen panels stuff between us..obviously with doors being open in summer if they sit right outside theirs or just inside they can hear talking from my house or in the garden..though we can't hear/work out what they are saying because of the hearing difficulties and not being able to see their lips properly so they don't talk to us directly. (so we know they've been told we are deaf and don't speak much/well).

They have been talking to the neighbour on the other side whose house is positioned more forwards..her back yard is parallel with our side driveway so she cant see or hear us when we're in the bedroom or back garden but has known us longer as we were both one of the first here (new housing) years back...though from my viewpoint it was 'Maddie' she knew not me as I was technically still child Bobby then and hadn't started coming to the front regularly (We haven't had a permanent host since Maddie left the front just different others pretending to be her as and when needed).

Although neighbour 2 (that knows us..others are newer) never leaves her house these days she seems to also know other people who see us out and about on the scooter...infact she seems to know everyone and everything about everyone! ..(Kit refers to her as 'the nosy old bat next door)

We have awoken to an email from her asking if a carer or someone lives with us now because (x) next door to us has heard different voices when our back door is open...(though she's never seen or heard anyone being dropped off and almost every time someone does come she seems to find a reason to be stood in her yard to see what's going on)

I'm guessing it was Yuna and Juno practising speaking and not realising they were there because we can't hear them coming in and out and don't know they're there unless we were out in the garden and see them.

We know she gossips (n.o.b ....lets call her 'nobby' for the sake of this post) and whatever our reply is will be round the village by the end of the day. Kit says we should use this to our advantage! (so we only have to explain once).

We are in 'social housing' so are supposed to declare if anyone else lives with us (though we're pretty sure they mean in a separate human body!) or our disability changes. We haven't told the neighbours we've had a stroke though other family members may have when they were returning to see to our dog and pick up clothes etc for us when we were in hospital) and obviously the authorities know as it's now on our medical record.

But the 'nosey gossiping neighbours' really annoy us and we don't understand this 'mindset' & why they feel they have a right to know?..they've never told us all their medical history and we don't care who visit's their house neither do we watch to see who comes and goes.

We've no intention of telling them about our 'secret selves' the email was written to Maddie and the way it was written tells us 'nobby' clearly believes she's speaking to 'maddie' by the things she refers to.

What can we say that will come across as polite and appropriate for our body's age, but as brief and vague as possible? ..other than 'I had a stroke, thought family mentioned it, maybe x overheard family member talking to us?' ..cos if she she knows for a fact there was no car here at that time coinciding with x 'overhearing chat'..she will instantly know its a lie.

We'd rather be polite and brief so people leave us alone and move onto the next piece of gossip!

I guess because we struggle to see from outsiders viewpoint we've had no awareness that others may have noticed we are different in some way plus of course we've had minimal face to face contact because of being in CEV group and the pandemic situation and can't lip-read people through masks. The neighbours seemed happy with this reason before, now they seem to be trying to pry more information from us as if someone else is secretly living here (I guess they are in a way! )

so has anyone ever been overheard talking to 'your others' when you weren't aware another RL person was there and how did you explain it away if they didn't know you were DID and you didn't see it as any of their business?

Lee & Kit

so has anyone ever been overheard talking to 'your others' when you weren't aware another RL person was there and how did you explain it away if they didn't know you were DID and you didn't see it as any of their business?

My family has, and the explanation I use is : "when I'm tired, talking to myself helps me organize my thoughts" - which is true, just not the way the ones who don't know I have DID would think. There are a lot of people who talk to themselves for that reason, without having DID.

When we come out of our T office, the one who front tend to talk out loud while walking on the way home, because therapy means more activity than usual in the system, and it makes less noise "inside" if one of us talk out loud. So we have the habit of putting on my phone's headphone, to pretend to be on the phone.

I don't know if you have a smartphone, but you could use the "video chat with your family" and "oops, I didn't realize the sound of my phone what that loud" as an excuse. It also works with Skype or Zoom calls.

Ultimately, I would say it's none of your neighbour's business, and you don't owe her an answer to that question, but I get that as you are in a social housing, she could become annoying...

I hope you'll find an idea!

Dwelt wrote:My family has, and the explanation I use is : "when I'm tired, talking to myself helps me organize my thoughts" - which is true, just not the way the ones who don't know I have DID would think. There are a lot of people who talk to themselves for that reason, without having DID.

When we come out of our T office, the one who front tend to talk out loud while walking on the way home, because therapy means more activity than usual in the system, and it makes less noise "inside" if one of us talk out loud. So we have the habit of putting on my phone's headphone, to pretend to be on the phone.

I don't know if you have a smartphone, but you could use the "video chat with your family" and "oops, I didn't realize the sound of my phone what that loud" as an excuse. It also works with Skype or Zoom calls.

Ultimately, I would say it's none of your neighbour's business, and you don't owe her an answer to that question, but I get that as you are in a social housing, she could become annoying...

I hope you'll find an idea!

We have an iPad. Yuna has just told us it was them and they may have made things worse because at the time they were coming through the house to outside speaking each others replies to check on dog in garden, realised x was there panicked a bit and kinda shouted back inside..so what do you want for dinner? as if talking to a real person...lol! ..then 'where are you? as if they'd gone off into another room and we couldn't hear them from the back door! ... then disappearing back inside!

Yuna said she didn't think it was 'newsworthy' and realised that from x side they can't see if a car is parked further down our drive but it never occurred to her that neighbour would gossip with the other as they are quite new. From nobby's side she can see everyone who pulls up in front of comes down our driveway! ..and spends most of her .time sat next to her front window on computer (we see when we pass with the dog if we're out later than usual).

I suspect though family told her initially we couldn't speak at all (we couldn't and used text to speech app on it cos of difficulty getting words out from Apraxia) but speech therapist had told us to practice speaking out loud everyday as we lived alone and wouldn't get as much practice as someone living with family. Since bro split with his partner they haven't been coming to pick us up and take us out so she hasn't seen or heard us in the driveway.

Juno says maybe she's annoyed she wasn't the first to know we'd regained some speech! ..maybe that's why she emailed and is expecting us to update her because we hadn't spoken to her just waved if she's stood in the yard 'being nosy' when people came!

We only tended to speak in front of certain people in certain situations anyway before the stroke. We're often too overwhelmed to speak in large public gathering situations we've been like that since childhood..possibly what used to be known as 'selective mutism'...so why would we want to update anyone about that, cos they will then instantly expect us to speak everytime!

I (Lee) struggle with this issue (SM) much more than the others in the system.

Well, I think you have a solution there. Your speech therapist told you to practice and it's easier to roll play different voices to have a 'conversation'. Or as was suggested, you're video chatting with others.

But yeah, the whole gossip thing is just, yuck.

I certainly understand the different voices. That's how our friend picked up on the different alters. Pippa talks in a slightly different manner than I do. Angel has a slight British accent, as does Lili. Beth and I are about the only two who have similar voices and even then, hers is more formalized. Everyone has practiced that voice for when we're around those who don't know.

But yes, you have a couple solutions other than telling her to mind her own business. Tell her that you have a speech therapist who told you to practice having conversations.

Vi

ViTheta wrote:Well, I think you have a solution there. Your speech therapist told you to practice and it's easier to roll play different voices to have a 'conversation'. Or as was suggested, you're video chatting with others.

But yeah, the whole gossip thing is just, yuck.

I certainly understand the different voices. That's how our friend picked up on the different alters. Pippa talks in a slightly different manner than I do. Angel has a slight British accent, as does Lili. Beth and I are about the only two who have similar voices and even then, hers is more formalized. Everyone has practiced that voice for when we're around those who don't know.

But yes, you have a couple solutions other than telling her to mind her own business. Tell her that you have a speech therapist who told you to practice having conversations.

Vi

Thanks, though personally I don't want the expectation to speak to everyone to increase as it will increase my anxiety and mean I can't stay out if anyone looks like they might approach us with that expectation, it will trigger Yuna out constantly.


I think the stroke changing everyone's expectations of the host and me getting stuck up front with Yuna originally (though in background) gave me chance to watch how she used iPad to communicate and answer people...most longer phrases are saved as a one hit button. Somehow as Yuna re-learned to speak I learned with her after being mute within the system for over 50 years.

Anyway I think it was probably the fact that Yuna acted as if someone else was in the house is what prompted the query! We will remind others to check all windows and doors are closed before they speak out loud when fronting. I know it's weird, we want to be able to speak cos the dog needs to hear our voice but we don't want the social expectation to speak on demand by others.

I hope things work out well. I just feel like it's none of that woman's business and she's trying to stir up trouble to get you into trouble or the like.

I am sorry you have to go through this.

yeah..roll on winter when everyone's got their windows and curtains closed cos it's freezing cold!

Me and Kit prefer it when its dark first thing to get to our favourite places for sunrise and be there first. It's so relaxing and calming watching the sun come up with the orange and purple skies etc. Like to take photo's of them also. Sometimes I wish we lived in Iceland or something so we'd get to see the Northern Lights!

Though trying to get a rollator or scooter through several feet of snow maybe somewhat challenging!!

We prefer winter as well since we hate the heat.

But yeah, don't let the gossipy neighbors get to you. It usually means they don't have enough to do and way too much time to waste.

I don't think you need to close your doors or windows in the summer once you've said that you're doing speech therapy exercises, talking out loud to yourself, and/or talking to your dog.

It's completely none of anyone's business to begin with, and the only response you actually need to give is, "no, there's no carer or anyone else living with us."

It's nice of you, and beyond what's necessary, for you to give an explanation in order to satisfy her curiosity.

Also, saying what you're doing while you're home alone does not obligate you to behave differently when you're out in the community. Again, this is none of anyone's business, and you don't have to change your behavior in order to meet someone else's expectations. Is it a problem if people think you're a little eccentric? That's kind of a nice umbrella word under which to hide all kinds of differences. "I guess I'm a bit eccentric."

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I don't think you need to close your doors or windows in the summer once you've said that you're doing speech therapy exercises, talking out loud to yourself, and/or talking to your dog.

It's completely none of anyone's business to begin with, and the only response you actually need to give is, "no, there's no carer or anyone else living with us."

It's nice of you, and beyond what's necessary, for you to give an explanation in order to satisfy her curiosity.

Also, saying what you're doing while you're home alone does not obligate you to behave differently when you're out in the community. Again, this is none of anyone's business, and you don't have to change your behavior in order to meet someone else's expectations. Is it a problem if people think you're a little eccentric? That's kind of a nice umbrella word under which to hide all kinds of differences. "I guess I'm a bit eccentric."

Being eccentric makes you a target for bullies I find. we already fear most people (in face to face situations) and what they could potentially do to us if they were so inclined, especially as mobility etc has declined.

I guess its the systems defence mechanism to do whatever will result in people leaving us alone as it's a better outcome than having to endure abuse and bullying when we could no longer physically defend ourselves or get away,

We were at our most confident I guess in our twenties when we knew we could outrun most people and had a black belt in Karate, then we did not care so much but then Thea was like ANP host who had no knowledge the rest of us existed!

But you are right, we shouldn't have to. Our defence mechanisms are strong,overpowering someimes we still live as if the potential threat of bullying etc is still there daily.