moving on

Things take so much longer than we thought. Even just getting treatment and being sent from one doc to the next and when we finally did all they wanted from us we don't get the paperwork we need to get the right meds. Lost in transition somewhere. It sucks. (no need to offer problem solving. It will get solved eventually)
Things feel very very weird right now.
Life is moving on. Not in the way we thought it would. Since work or even a work program is not available for us we applied for a consultant job, which we actually got. Its only a few hours a week and manageable. It also shakes up our life considerably. New people, new places, new challenges and problems to solve. All very exciting and good.
After a quite serious rupture with our T we are working on trauma triggers with a greater focus. The situation is an unhappy one. We feel disconnected and there is no way our attachment wounds will heal in this relationship. Bad fit. Not even sure why. But she is an excellent trauma therapist and we trust her to walk us through processing. So that is what we are doing.
So in a way it feels like life is moving on really fast now, with so much change all at once.
At the same time, we feel so stuck with relational issues. I wish we could just feel more supported by a parental figure. Someone who can be here for us regularly. Several of our long-term friendships seem to fall apart right now with nothing to replace them. I am making steps backwards when it comes to isolation and trust. This way of moving into different directions all at once feels like it might tear us apart if we aren't careful.
I am kind of losing hope that we can reach our therapy goals. We work so hard on regulation and release of trauma. In the tests we got done it showed that we are good at relaxation. Our breathing is slower than that of normal people. We do all the right exercises and we do them exceptionally well but that doesn't solve the problem. The trauma is still stuck in our body and personality. Right now it simply seems impossible to reach a level of recovery that I would be satisfied with. This is a big issues. I don't even want to hear people speaking about des-illusionment being a good thing because the goal wasn't realistic. We need reasons to live and to keep going and what we have right now is such a weirdly mixed bag it is plain confusing.
I'd be glad to hear from someone who has done trauma work and wants to share about living with however far you got in recovery. How acceptance settled in and if its ok that way

I am really sorry that you are going through all the relationship turmoils. It sounds very unfair.

[quote=birdsong87]I'd be glad to hear from someone who has done trauma work and wants to share about living with however far you got in recovery. How acceptance settled in and if its ok that way[/quote]

I have done the biggest parts of trauma work so far, for what I can tell. The triggers have subsided a lot and what remains is bearable and I'll keep working on them step by step. I don't know how I could be of help to you but if there is anything I can do/say to help, I will.

birdsong87 wrote:. I wish we could just feel more supported by a parental figure. Someone who can be here for us regularly. Several of our long-term friendships seem to fall apart right now with nothing to replace them.

We are in that situation too. Maybe through your new job you will meet new people and one or more will turn out to be new long term friendships?

our body work T says that there is still plenty of room to improve. Maybe A. is a bit too worried about getting stuck with what we have right now.

life has become so busy. Right now we have a couple of days to breathe. But we got ourselves into a situation with lots of meetings, traveling and a bit of an income. I am not sure what to make of it. It is certainly in no way like we planned it. I am doing a bit better when I don't have to invent things to do every day. And when I see people more regularly. The new people seem mostly nice and smart and working on a shared goal really helps.
but then there are free days and I tend to fall into a hole. Over-working just because its regulating isn't a good idea. Its just that I seem to be so very depressed. the only way to keep the depression down is to stay co-conscious and not front. leaving new tasks to A. alone is not a good idea. Not exactly very good people skills when she gets into fight mode. But other than that, it actually looks kind of ok. Starting to edit part 9 of the book project soon. its meant to have 10 1/2. So there will come a time this year when we have to figure out how to write an exposé for publishers...

birdsong87 wrote:Over-working just because its regulating isn't a good idea.

This is how we have spent most of our life--being so busy that there wasn't time to think or feel, and then falling into a hole and crying/being depressed whenever there was downtime. So you're right that letting the external environment do the regulating isn't helpful in a long-term way. But it IS useful for being productive and getting things done.

We're kind of grappling with the opposite right now--having very little structure, and trying to focus on needs and self-care. We still have a lot of resistance and avoidance, but at least we're more aware of the underlying needs, even if we're not doing as much as we could to meet them.

Anyway, congrats on everything you're doing--it sounds like a nice change, and it can be really helpful to get more external validation.

We wrote our first speech that someone else held in a bigger political setting. It got lots of praise from very experienced political actors. There are so many triggers around public speaking and public praise... We need time to recover and we weren't even presenting. but who knows, maybe we have a job as speech writer ahead of us ^^ my sense of being unhappy all the time is going down. Now I mostly feel busy and excited and there is purpose.

Things with our T are smoothing out. We have a lot of meta communication. Figuring out the misunderstandings in the way she perceives us vs the real meaning of it on our side. First time we see a T who isn't good at meaning making when it comes to us. But she is lightening fast in picking things up once we talked about it. Last session went incredibly well and we felt a lot more supported and guided in a tricky process with a tricky part.

Congratulations on the speech. It does sound like you're talented at speechwriting. And it's great to feel busy and excited rather than unhappy!

Things with your T sound good. I'm envious, and there's a longing to be back in an intense T relationship again, but I don't think that would be good for us right now.

If you feel comfortable sharing an example, I'd love to hear what you mean by misunderstandings in the way your T perceives you vs. the real meaning. Do you mean she misunderstands what you're saying, and then you have to clarify it? Or something else?

But anyway, it all sounds good! And it's nice to hear from you.

it's about her interpretation of our nonverbal or paraverbal cues. Like the fact that I don't share about intense emotions. She thought it was because I am guarded and don't want to let her in. When really it is a mix of our neglect history where it was like a deadly sin to be loud or expressive, especially needing support with emotions, and textbooks sounding permanently annoyed with impulsive patients so we make extra sure not to bother anyone. she is consistently missing our really really deep and bad neglect patterns that basically tell us that we can't approach. She used to give us plenty of space so we don't have to be so guarded. But what we end up with is someone who is confirming that distance is what is necessary. I have to ask her what she did differently last time. It was like an instant gamechanger. but super subtle.
she also decided that she will change her rule and write back occationally. she didn't tell us, so we were unprepared and a bit shocked... but yeah, she is working on changing stuff that feeds our neglect patterns. What she is changing is working in a way that seems very different from your Ts attempts. he seemed to not really get it or forget it and it didn't lead to better connection. maybe that is something to remind yourself of.

We are leaving most american dominated platforms. I think we will stay here some more because it still feels like a safe space. We are just tired of being attacked over bad phrasing or people trying to claim that we meant something different. I see techniques that are meant to dominate arguments everywhere. from red herrings to strawman arguments. We want a safe space without argueing about definitions. its like people online lost touch with basic rules of communication, like generosity or tact. not enjoying that. I hope we can stay here.

Thanks. That's helpful.

I really hope you can stay.

We were attacked on Reddit yesterday for saying that trauma wasn't part of the diagnostic criteria for DID/OSDD--by someone who thought we were saying that trauma wasn't necessary to develop it. Among other incorrect and egregious statements. We went back and forth with them for a bit, and then dropped it. Someone sent me a DM offering support and saying they had reported that person, which was nice. Anyway--all that to say that I understand where you're coming from!

I'm sorry to inform you, Birdsong, that other parts of the web do not seem to fare better. The only spaces where I feel safe are dominated by trans autistic ADHD-ers who also are trauma recover-ers (people focused on recovering from trauma). Everywhere else seems to be bleh. (Or maybe that's just me.)

Maybe I'm super sensitive to some stuff which limits my ability to feel safe outside of very specific social settings. But really, DID groups in french-dominated communities are all about "it is impossible to recover from trauma" and therapy phobia. And I'm not even talking about other communities I have stopped interacting with outside of following specific intersectional social media accounts.

It feels like the world is burning out and loosing the ability to think, have patience, manage emotions and accept other people can have other opinions. Or simply, that the real world does not function in the simple, monochromatic way they want/fear.