Things take so much longer than we thought. Even just getting treatment and being sent from one doc to the next and when we finally did all they wanted from us we don't get the paperwork we need to get the right meds. Lost in transition somewhere. It sucks. (no need to offer problem solving. It will get solved eventually)
Things feel very very weird right now.
Life is moving on. Not in the way we thought it would. Since work or even a work program is not available for us we applied for a consultant job, which we actually got. Its only a few hours a week and manageable. It also shakes up our life considerably. New people, new places, new challenges and problems to solve. All very exciting and good.
After a quite serious rupture with our T we are working on trauma triggers with a greater focus. The situation is an unhappy one. We feel disconnected and there is no way our attachment wounds will heal in this relationship. Bad fit. Not even sure why. But she is an excellent trauma therapist and we trust her to walk us through processing. So that is what we are doing.
So in a way it feels like life is moving on really fast now, with so much change all at once.
At the same time, we feel so stuck with relational issues. I wish we could just feel more supported by a parental figure. Someone who can be here for us regularly. Several of our long-term friendships seem to fall apart right now with nothing to replace them. I am making steps backwards when it comes to isolation and trust. This way of moving into different directions all at once feels like it might tear us apart if we aren't careful.
I am kind of losing hope that we can reach our therapy goals. We work so hard on regulation and release of trauma. In the tests we got done it showed that we are good at relaxation. Our breathing is slower than that of normal people. We do all the right exercises and we do them exceptionally well but that doesn't solve the problem. The trauma is still stuck in our body and personality. Right now it simply seems impossible to reach a level of recovery that I would be satisfied with. This is a big issues. I don't even want to hear people speaking about des-illusionment being a good thing because the goal wasn't realistic. We need reasons to live and to keep going and what we have right now is such a weirdly mixed bag it is plain confusing.
I'd be glad to hear from someone who has done trauma work and wants to share about living with however far you got in recovery. How acceptance settled in and if its ok that way