Bobby's Journal

Where to start??? I'll start with current events for today and may later include memories from my child self later

so it was my birthday yesterday. I don't usually get chance to get out for it as its usually 'taken over' by well meaning people who think we need some kind of party to be 'normal' or happy! so there had been celebrations planned for the weekend and a shopping trip.

However Bro split from g/f the weekend before so everything got cancelled.. and I mean everything..the g/f didn't even send/leave the presents she had told Yuna she was getting us! ..so Yuna is a feeling a bit let down because she was the one who'd kinda bonded most with her as they'd been supporting us since the stroke and Yuna had been stuck out front for so long. (which is partly why Yuna had decided to stay inside longer)


But also it gave me chance to finally have a birthday upfront and enjoy it without ending up totally overwhelmed. Bro got me a new camera and it's great..much newer version of the one I had so has the same great zoom but also things like wifi built in, touchscreen and an app that makes it easier to upload pics to my iPad and edit etc.

Just had a nice quiet takeaway with my brother in the evening after he finished work, helped me with setting up my new camera so could go and get some nature shots with the dog early this morning.

Kit's 'virtual splint's idea (inspired by @arbremonde's virtual glasses) worked to a small degree. They make the legs feel stronger and this showed when standing to take some photo's (propped myself up behind the scooter's large captains seat) cos It's a large heavy scooter it worked.

There are still co-ordination issues when taking steps and walking (people who don't know me either think I'm drunk or have mild CP!) but I managed a few steps for moving behind the scooter ok and back into the seat. Outside is challenging because of slopes, uneven terrain, dips in the ground hidden by the grass (my depth perception is affected where things are the same colour or in poor light ..like if outside steps are same colour stone as the flat surface above and below them etc). I don't think things like that will be correctable with virtual aids..at least I can't see how yet! ...but it at least makes it easier to get around the house and garden cos now I can use 1 crutch for very short distances on familiar (and flat) ground. I still need to sit down quite a bit.

I do have a rollator with a seat but wouldn't make it down the road with it. I don't think I'd manage to walk as far as the dog needed to go daily, he needs like 2 hrs exercise... I'd end up on my ass trying to get down the first kerb! ..but I'm ok with needing the scooter (or using a wheelchair) for longer distances/trips out.

It's surprising how liberating it feels though just been able to get from your bed to the loo by yourself without needing a wheelchair just for that short distance! ..after the others have been 'updated' they should be able to do the same when they next come out to play host. Have also ordered a new pair of physical splints incase they feel they need them too and would make them feel more confident.

Bobby

glad you got that rollator. a friend of mine just got one and he's told me how much easier it is for him to walk now with his CFS/POTS symptoms from long-COVID. it's made his life so much easier. i'm glad it's making yours easier as well

Our system is currently go through a major reshuffle. a lot of 'life changing events' have happened over the last year or so.


It seems we no longer switch just to get through the day thinking only one self can do one thing because 'Yuna' being stuck out front and having to do everything has shown us that one self can do most things if they have no choice and I was for some of that time stuck at the front with her.

I didn't enjoy it at the time. I initially spent most of it 'in the back room' looking out through the glass with Phoenix as my shield to muffle all the sounds as Yuna had the hearing aids in constantly to filter out the Tinnitus....but something else happened...because I couldn't 'get back in' at first I had to find a way past the initial 'fight or flight' mode and past purely sensory responses (stimming, rocking etc)

For one I couldn't carry them out physically due to physical restrictions, pain and Yuna being the one in control of the body and secondly even once I could I found I no longer got the same reassurance or 'sensory reward' from them. (ie feeling calmer or happier simply from doing them)

Surprisingly I prefer this older adult body that feels calmer and less panicked by everything than my previous 10yr old child self. I was previously behaving like 'Kit's inner child' Kit being the adult version of the more typical autistic adult that were present in unit where she had to fit in to survive. Kit's 'old self' is no longer needed in this lifestyle either so she has also evolved. She still prefers the inner world and feels no-one in the real world likes her.

Like Phoenix she gets hit by paranoia badly when the body is in that phase but the deeper they retreat into the inner world the less they feel affected by the mood swings of hormonal transitions and time does not pass the same - which maybe why some of us have returned to 'the surface' finding months or even years have passed since they were last out.


Kit shared with me her linguistic abilities, Yuna and Jody shared with me more knowledge of face-to face social skills, the changelings have filled me in on the parts of life 'I' was absent for from the stored memories of past social mask alters (who had no understanding there were 'others' in the time they were fronting) Many seem relieved 'the original child' (as they see me) has at last reached the stage they can take control of the body and the life.


'Little Susie' has chosen to stay a little and so she doesn't get lonely inside Phoenix has chosen to return to the inner world with her as her child companion. They both miss the games they could play with the other changeling insiders (who have never fronted). Little Susie still comes to the surface to visit, her triggers seem to be specific video games,visiting the ducks and going on the swings. She has returned to her previous age of 6.

Everybody on the whole seems calmer and the inside does too. For now,... though there is still a fear that something like the bro passing before we do, could undo all progress and we couldn't cope at all feeling we were totally alone in the world. (who would take care of our dog or empty our house etc if our only close relative had passed before we did?) ...with the bro splitting from his g/f and just abandoning Yuna as 'her friend', we realise we have no real life friends of our own to help with such things and no knowledge or experience to know what to do or who to contact for help if that was to happen.

Glad to see that some of my tricks helped you!

You are all doing a fantastic job. Congratulations!

disasterjoy wrote:glad you got that rollator. a friend of mine just got one and he's told me how much easier it is for him to walk now with his CFS/POTS symptoms from long-COVID. it's made his life so much easier. i'm glad it's making yours easier as well

Hi sorry I missed this reply, it wasn't showing when I wrote my second post!

Yes I have found it handy for around the house and garden, sometimes I just sit on the seat and push myself round backwards with my legs then I'll use it to put something on to push it back into another room. It's handy for moving stuff about as hard to carry stuff and walk with crutches at same time!! Mine's not really suitable for heavy outside use though like over fields and other surfaces.
Maybe when my dog gets older and needs less exercise and I've had time to build up the distance I can manage one designed for outdoor terrain maybe possible for shorter walks!

ArbreMonde wrote:Glad to see that some of my tricks helped you!

You are all doing a fantastic job. Congratulations!

Thanks, yes Kit was very impressed and only slightly annoyed it didn't occur to her first years ago when Maddie first had issues! I tell her not to be so hard on herself we didn't even know DID existed or what was wrong with us. We knew we had Autism but we also knew other autistic people (that we had met) were not like us.

Everything we have learned about dissociation we have learned from this board (or books recommended on here).

A reply I gave on someone else's post has suddenly got me thinking and feeling I'm back in a 'I don't know who I am' phase.

I had written (well..typed) ...

"We are having issues with our username too For us it was that it was created by one who didn't know they were others when they joined. Yuna did the same when she temporarily forgot (due to bloodclot/stroke) that we were already here under another name when she was stuck out front and she couldn't see or communicate with the rest of us.

I found a past journal on an old laptop I finally managed to get working and it seems this also happened to us several years ago with social media accounts. The front at the time had a breakdown after our dear old dog died who was very much part of her online identity, we dissociated from that identity completely and that social front persona disappeared. This seems to be a repeating cycle for us and we've changed the legal name in real life too twice. I never thought of that as being part of the DID"



Before finding this board and 'Kit' deciding to use random names to neatly categorise all the different parts...no-one had their own name!. parts fronted as and when needed and responded to the legal name (or a nickname form of it used by family/friends).

There was a sense that they were 'social masks' which we attributed to the autism having had read about 'Masking' before and when we were that person we were trying to 'pass as normal' so people didn't relaise there was anything wrong with us. (as we were badly bullied for it in the past).

We initially thought they simply hid behind physical issues to deflect and hide the autistic traits and mask other issues we felt at the time were some kind of 'mental illness' but was afraid to tell anyone about incase we got locked up or forced to take medication that changed our sensory perception.

However through research and explanations from members on here we realise it was because not all alters were connected to/had access to, the same parts of the brain. I guess this also made them feel 'more separate'. I think going through the peri-menopause has also intensified all emotions, thoughts and feelings of seperatedness (is that a word??)

However now information and skills have been shared and every 'human' version of self knows and can do the same things (except for Little's and 'The Changeling' - who are spirit entities) I awake feeling 'who am I now?'

I'm not 'Kit'... I'm not 'Bobby' as they were originally described... am I closer to' Yuna' should we just use that account and close this one?

We cannot use the legal nickname here which I completely understand why and won't give it (don't panic admins! ) ...but still there feels a need to find a name/nickname (for here) that more accurately describes 'this me' or 'this system' as we are now.


I feel there has been a 'humans merge' except for those that have been deliberately kept separate because either they chose it or are needed in their current form for a very specific reason.

I'm not sure if this means we've achieved functional multiplicity or fusion??? There is still an inside world and everyone can still live there or just visit in any form they wish (most humans can age-slide and Changeling can transform into literally anything inside).

so anyway that's it basically...not sure who 'this me' is today, but the real world demands I get dressed and take the dog out whoever I am! ....so hopefully I will know by the end of the day!

We may need to bring 'Yuna' back out from her break as she's had a stronger sense of who she was as an outside person from being disconnected from the inside for months.

We (Lee) will blog on this post as it was originally set up as Bobby's.

There is still struggle at the front...Yuna wants to take over and thinks her and Juno should remain in control of the body but she gives up easily and needs constant reassurance from outside others which we are just not getting anymore.

The sibling did come and repair the toilet seat and fit the units so we did manage to complete the 'tidying up tasks' by the end of that week as a team, but after him saying he was gonna be busy for summer with work and it was gonna be a while before we got to spend any social time with him again (no g/f now wanting a 'drinking buddy' every weekend!) that is the end of our social life! ...its back to seeing them only for birthdays (which we've all had), christmas and emergencies. ..and besides the covid cases are rising rapidly again here with a another newer variant.

Hospitals are appearing on the news showing how over run/understaffed they are and reaching crisis point, same as ambulance services and asking people not to dial the emergency number just for sunburn and minor injuries!

The country is going to be the hottest its ever been from about Sun-Tues even reaching over 30C for us 'Northerners'! Our dog being in the 'elderly' age bracket and heavy/long coated I think will be our main worry and the cost of keeping a fan running constantly for him (we just got our projected gas/electric bill...its basically doubled already despite using no way near the amount we usually use in winter!).

The system has decided I (Kit) am needed to front this period. Bobby wants to be present but struggles with seeing themselves 'out there' - seen by others, they prefer to be blended with another so the world see's 'the other' and not 'Bobby' if that makes any sense. (Even on a video game 'Bobby-self' will use my nickname rather than theirs)

I am happy to blend with 'Bobby' we are very similar (in adult form) and I don't see why we two (as 'Lee') can't work as seamlessly as Yuna believes she works with Juno. Though Yuna is one human blended with spirit, we are two 'human-me' parts...working blended. We see the benefit of the way they work so seamlessly, but believe we two can also achieve this level of fusion.

We do try to work with the other 'social mask alters' but it only lasts for a short time for a specific task, then we have such different interests in 'downtime' it doesn't work.

Bobby and I have lived in isolation (separate from each other originally..totally alone in different parts of the system) that we have more experience in survival in extreme isolation in comparison to the social parts that are used to seeing people daily through work/college constantly needing/getting reassurance that they are still 'looking or behaving in a 'normal manner'.

We are not expecting to see anyone and we believe neighbours have found out about the autism as the one usually friendly who emailed us with the local gossip when she believed we were 'Maddie' has stopped. With a bad winter forecast in terms of keeping safe from covid & hospital (basically another lockdown for us even if the rest of the country doesn't do it, the body is still CEV) the 'social alters' can not survive with so little interaction/feedback with the world.


But 'Lee' can with the RL dog and occasional texts to check the brother is still alive! ..plus we have the video game project to keep us busy which we will have no problem with!

I don't know if Yuna will come out to complete the 'homework' for this project she set us up with! She says Juno is very depressed at the thought of no hugs from her son for months and wants us to make them a holodeck program where they can live as a family again and get hugs and interaction everyday!

We wonder if the stroke affected her she was not so 'needy' before! but our reality unfortunately is that for the foreseeable future at least we will not be getting that level of support and interaction from the outside world and the systems prime direction is survival, the hosts have to match the environment if we are to survive in it! - for now the 'prepper' and the 'recluse' wins!

p.s Jody may post from time to time, we've recruited her to help with 'emergency social stuff' when neither of us have the mental energy to deal with it that day! She still can't be triggered out for some reason..one of us has to go back in to blend with her and bring her to the front..we have no idea why, this is only since the stroke!

L

Sending moral support your way. The heat is terrible. It'll reach 40°C in my area tomorrow (104 F), it's a historical event too. I hope your dog will manage.

Electricity bills are getting higher and higher in many countries, the cost of energy is rising, no wonder your bill is getting higher than in winter despite the lowest amount of energy you use. Sending moral support!

You know, it's okay to be "needy" of social interactions. It is a human need. Different persons or parts within a same system can need different "base levels" of interactions, but in all case if this "base level" is not fulfilled, we miss it.

So it's okay to miss social interactions when your base needs are not fulfilled. It's the same as feeling hungry when you did not eat enough food for your needs.

ArbreMonde wrote:Sending moral support your way. The heat is terrible. It'll reach 40°C in my area tomorrow (104 F), it's a historical event too. I hope your dog will manage.

Electricity bills are getting higher and higher in many countries, the cost of energy is rising, no wonder your bill is getting higher than in winter despite the lowest amount of energy you use. Sending moral support!

You know, it's okay to be "needy" of social interactions. It is a human need. Different persons or parts within a same system can need different "base levels" of interactions, but in all case if this "base level" is not fulfilled, we miss it.

So it's okay to miss social interactions when your base needs are not fulfilled. It's the same as feeling hungry when you did not eat enough food for your needs.

Thanks, we appreciate your support! Think our highest temps maybe about 35c as we're out of town, but as soon as it reaches 20 the overwhelming physical fatigue hits this body,. We're more used to the colder extremes up here! Hope you and your cat will be ok in your flat in that heat.


With energy levels been so low and the upcoming heat we've decided Jody should stay out near the front to help us, instead of us wasting energy going back and forth to fetch her to help. She has offered to help with things like making sure we're drinking enough and get enough to eat while I focus on the needs of Mr Woof. Bobby's taking care of the gaming practise but no physical games, only ones we can do laying down just holding controllers!

Others have been put into 'stasis' mode to persevere energy whilst Phoenix and the changelings work quietly in the background to produce a 'social setting' program for the more social ones in the holodeck. It would be useful for them to maintain their level of social skills for when we need them to deal with the outside world. We don't want to end up in that unit again if all of us lose all social skills due to lack of any social interaction for months on end.

We just have to keep reminding ourselves there's people in worse situations and we should be thankful we at least have more than 'one of us' to help us get through.

Anyway .... we need to find some energy to get the dogs pool out, we just didn't have the energy to get out of bed this morning when alarm went off at 5am so doggy didn't get his early morning walk while it was cool enough. (though he didn't get off his bed to give us a nudge as he usually does when alarm goes off, so maybe he wasn't that bothered either today!)

Will try again tomorrow as there will be a brief cooler spell very early morning before temps start to climb for 2 days here, cos then we won't get another opportunity until Wed after the thunderstorms have cleared the air. (providing all the country lanes aren't flooded or blocked with felled trees after the storms!)