Our Journey (Journal Thread)

Hello, I saw multiple users made one of these before, so I decided to make one for us. We have an extremely large system, although even I'm not aware of how many of us there truly is yet.

Feeling very lonely. Someone, or multiple of us are EXTREMELY sad. None of us know who are experiencing the extreme sadness, BUT the loneliness is experienced by A LOT of us, including myself.

I go by the name, "K". We have a very nice, caring therapist. However, due to our past trauma, a lot of us are leery to speak to our therapist. Well, really to anyone for that fact. We hope maybe here will be able to help, even if just slightly.

The therapist issue is something I have, too. It is talked about in some of the reference books from the "ressources" thread I linked in my signature, especially "The haunted self" "Coping with trauma related dissociation" and "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors".

It is eased up by building a safe attachment towards the therapist. This might be something to start with.

Good luck!

Thank you!

Just want to log a few things: I hope this will be helpful to us to keep track of- however- I'm not too convinced right this second.

-First several flashbacks keep happening at random times (not every day- like it was for awhile- THANKFULLY)

-Dreams are sometimes very scary

-Ones who were "hibernating" have been waking up for some reason (just verified today)

-Same loneliness/sadness feelings (but we are going to try some "techniques" we were told on here to hopefully help solve the mystery of that)

I feel I must log this because it is causing great discomfort for us. For some reason we are having a severe internal "struggle" (for better lack of word). It is really hard to explain, but for example: some of us want to talk. When we do, maybe we feel good about it, BUT as soon as the others (who weren't out) figure out what happened all "internal chaos" breaks loose.

They start going on a tirade about how what we did, by speaking was a bad idea. Then we end up becoming depressed due to their mean words. I understand it is a way they have of protecting us from the outer world, BUT still it is terrible to have to be torn amongst ourselves in this way. I wish we could all get along, or at least speak sensibly to each other. I'll admit both sides became mad with each other, BUT I tried my best to be the nice one (I didn't insult the others although they insulted me).

I feel so bad as I type this. Mainly because I'm severely torn between both sides. I see why it was good to talk, BUT I also see why it would've possibly been better not to (although talking was positive and felt good- until the other insiders gave us a hard time about it). I don't know.


It is like we can never agree on anything anymore. I mean, it was rare to have a 100% agreement at all in the first place, But over the years we managed to improve that to about a 75% rate. All of a sudden, a few months ago, it is like ABSOLUTELY ALL progress on that obliterated overnight. I don't understand it.

I found a note and realized apparently one of our insiders made this account. Not sure why for certain, but I guess maybe they think it might help. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm the main host. Something is going on inside lately. I have a terrible feeling like I'm being pulled in all directions at once. I do know A LOT of the insiders haven't been getting along with each other, so that could be fueling that. I don't know. I just needed to log that for our record.

Some things to log:

-Very sad. Noticed the sadness tends to begin EVERY night at a specific time. Why that exact time, however, is still currently unknown.

-Feeling very lonely. It is like a crushing loneliness. Playing videogames online seems to help at times, BUT other times NOT at all.

-Just overall terrible feelings (that are hard to describe) keep coming and going. One day something crazy happened with our eye. I don't know if it was a physical symptom, or if it had to do with one of the insiders, BUT our eye didn't feel right. It suddenly hurt, but the hurt was very strange (in a way, it kind of felt like how we feel inner world pain, in the body). Our vision didn't get messed up really, but it felt like either something was in our eye, or something happened to it. Our eye did water a lot, but it was like something I've never physically felt before, which makes me think maybe it is somehow connected to an insider and NOT something wrong with our physical eyes (especially since we have regular eye exams in the outer world, and that doctor told us our eyes looked "great"). However, if it comes back, I'll definitely have to have it checked, just to be on the safe side.

Regarding the "struggle" you depicted: I think the official expression for it is "inner conflict". When different parts (the word "part" means "somebody who is part of the system" and it covers known alters, unknown alters, known fragments, unknown fragments, and everybody and everything in between) want to do different things at the same time, things get chaotic. There are specific aspects of DID therapy who aim at helping everybody take decisions calmly so that everybody inside is happy with the outcome.

Specifically what you describe is what I understand as a struggle between some parts seeking help and communication, and other parts who wants to keep the system safe by not telling anything. It is legitimate to want to keep the system safe. Now the question is: are you trying to keep the system safe from a present danger, or from the memory of a past danger that you fear might happen again in the present?

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Time-related triggers can be tied to past events that used to happen at the same time or date. As an example, I still have time triggers at certain dates or at certain times of the day. I do my best to walk around them when possible, and to go through them with the minimum possible distress when needed. There are specific aspect of DID therapy dedicated to managing triggers.

Regarding the pain in your eye, it can be something somatic (a pain from your emotions / Innerworld that is felt in the body) but you are right about getting it checked in case it is physical. Better safe than sorry. Other possibilities include, some orthoptist thingy with the mucles of the eye being strained due to stress or because different alters cause subtle difference in how the muscles are used which can be painful on the long run. If a physician do not find anything, checking with a regular eye doctor and also an eye doctor specialized in eyes muscle could be a good idea. That's what I'm talking about with the muscles: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthoptics

An explicit example that I experienced: a very tense and stressed alter (I think it was Zami or at least one part of their sub-system) who would clench the jaws all the time, leading to pains in the jaw joints which can be felt like pain in the ears. The solution to that was: on the one hand wearing kickboxing teeth protection to avoid physical damage on the teeth and jaw, on the other hand working to ease up the stress and undo the triggers of the alter who clenched the jaws.

Thank you! That was very informative and greatly appreciated.

ArbreMonde wrote:An explicit example that I experienced: a very tense and stressed alter (I think it was Zami or at least one part of their sub-system) who would clench the jaws all the time, leading to pains in the jaw joints which can be felt like pain in the ears. The solution to that was: on the one hand wearing kickboxing teeth protection to avoid physical damage on the teeth and jaw, on the other hand working to ease up the stress and undo the triggers of the alter who clenched the jaws.

Sorry to hear,that sounds like that was very painful. We hope your jaw/stress is better now.

It is, thank you!

I still have a lot of stress at times but I "just" get psoriasis on the cheeks and on the scalp. Annoying and itchy but way less painful than the jaw issue, and I have an efficient cream to put on it. I keep a kickboxing teeth protection in my first aid kit just in case I might need it again.