Kayla's healing journey

Kayalune wrote:
When I walk or talk.. sometimes I forget how to do that? It feels like driving this body without a license, trying to figure it out as we go. It is very uncomfortable and disruptive of functioning. The constant tug of war going on in this body while walking, thinking, talking... you can't go left and right at the same time... if you do you'll end up stuck. I end up stuck a lot.

People can seem strangers and friends at the same time. One 'me' knows who this person is and has a relationship with them, another 'me' knows who this person is but doesn't have a relationship with them -> they know the other person doesn't know them. It's uncomfortable and stressful. When this happens it feels like I am about to be called out on not being the me they think they're talking to.

I can feel like I am multiple ages at the same time that clash with each other. I'd forget how old I am and have to calculate when someone asks. it makes me feel stupid for forgetting how old I am.

Conclusion: I feel like an impostor in my own life.

We have had the motor/sensory issue severely for years in the past because the 'social mask' that dealt with any other real world person being present was disconnected from the 'inner world'.

Twice I (Kit) have come forwards to find we had once being previously known as deaf and a member of the deaf community and then some years later ..known as a wheelchair user. I never had memory of what outside host was doing when they were present and they never had knowledge of us. I did know of other 'insiders' though and have access to the 'inner world' both 'deaf host' and 'wheelchair user host' never did.

We ...well the body (I'm not the same age) was in its 40's before I came across the term DID. I was worried we were mentally ill, the host unaware of me at the time thought she developing dementia!...(cos of time loss when I was finding myself switched out with her).

Some of us are 'versions of me' but not all. I learned loads on here!..stuff you won't learn talking to someone who read a book or went on a course but doesn't actually have it themself!

We also lost friends because when I first came out after been inside many years I didn't see hosts friend as my friend and was becoming increasingly aware I could only safely 'come out' when no-one else was about and we didn't have to go anywhere, so went through a phase of deliberately sabotaging any social events host had planned before I'd come out if decided I wanted to stay out longer. I didn't know we were DID at this point though!

Everyone knows about each other now and we all have our own names (we didn't originally everyone just responded to 'legal name' when they were out). It can take a while to get communication with all and work out what's best for your system to work.

Kit

EDIT: sorry I forgot to say Welcome to the Board! ...oh and none of us are the same age as our body and we have 'littles' (child alters) too.

Accepting that 'I' have DID also means accepting that I have not been present for so much of my own life. I don't know if I can.

It has been eight months since I accepted that I have DID, and yes, it is difficult to come to grips with being 'away' much of your life. I am the third host for our system across more than four decades. I have been away from the front most of that time only fronting from time to time and mostly to handle the creative work.

It is a struggle to know that 'we' are, well, 'we' and that we've shared that time with others. I am pretty sure that we've all been through this.

You aren't alone in these feelings, and I hope it helps to know that.

Vi.