Comforting Alters with Trauma Advice

Host (Ashe)

We've been struggling with anger and bitter feelings in the last couple of days. I couldn't really place them before, and it was frustrating me. We weren't getting anything done, and we were annoying the people in our life with our 'attitude', but Phoenix co-conned with me and chose to vent to our life journal rather than write her novel. Watching her write and reading through it, I understand why she struggles so much. I deal with a lot of the same issues, but I didn't have to suffer through the trauma she did to understand why life was so hard. Compared to how she experiences emotions I'm disconnected to my own. I'm having guilt issues since she essentially suffered through things so I didn't have to, but I grew from it. I hate that she has to be the one to come out and write when it stresses her out so much to be in the outer world (when other people are around). I can write, but my words come out like fanfiction compared to her skill, and she knows the worlds of her stories inside and out. Whereas I get the wiki summary version of the plot.

What can I do to help her? I don't know the details of what she suffered only that she went from having friends to them turning on her all within a year. I know now that if I have emotions I don't understand or come out of no where, that they may be another alter (thanks to Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation). As Host I feel limited to what I can do. If we were living alone it might be easier, but we live with our parents. There is no such thing as alone time. Does anyone have advice for how a host can help with a trauma holding alter with a skill set that requires fronting to use? Phoenix was a host previously, but she really doesn't like being social or around other people. Her one and only comfort and happiness comes from writing. She has been co-conning with me to write her novel, since we are trying to self-publish and make a living off of it. It would be a win-win as it brings her joy to write and it would bring us an income that didn't involve social masking.

Any advice or comforting methods would be helpful. I know what makes me feel comforted may not work for her. She doesn't like hugs or cuddles (Reese and Chaos will hug me or make me laugh when I'm struggling). Is there anything you guys have found to help comfort alters who want to or need to at least co-con with the host but struggle with anxiety/social struggles/ and frustration/fatigue while out or get overwhelmed.

Hi

We have a non-human alter called Phoenix! She's currently away on the inside helping to 'find the others' to see if they need repair or help recovering.

I guess Juno would be my 'comforting alter' but I guess as twins we would do the same job for each other just been in each others presence. I think that is why I have more confidence than other alters who often fronted alone when out in the world.

I have had more social anxiety than Juno recently though not a severe as some others. The body is however recovering from a stroke in the middle of a pandemic (so cut off from others, post-stroke therapies delayed such as physio/speech therapy) and is if that weren't enough....we're also going through the menopause!

For me just knowing Juno is here and she speaks in a soft encouraging voice. Maybe doing things you both enjoy together will help her feel more confident that someone is never far from her to offer support if she did feel she needed it?

Our non-verbal child who never expressed emotions directly and only ever came near the front when a specific alter was fronting previously, came out as an adult recently and blended with a 3 different alters to learn from them. We found video games helped them as we could pick one that taught something specific but indirectly and they would just experience it when we played it but end up absorbing that information and been able to learn from it. They have now also returned inside to 'help others' (well more specifically the alter they now see as their 'friend' who they always came out through before).

If Phoenix enjoys writing or reading certain styles of books..can you get out of the house to visit a Library when its quiet? (Probably most people are away at Easter or outside/on holiday..libraries may have hardly anyone in,so she may get the place to herself!!) ..or maybe look online ..if you both enjoy audiobooks you could continue to listen to with headphones/earphones even if you have to do something for parents like cooking dinner or cleaning ..can still be listening to the book?)

Was it you mentioned you had dogs before?...take the dogs out when no-one else is about (maybe like 5-6 am when parents are still in bed asleep and won't need anything) decide on a set time...like . 'ok its just gonna be 30 mins straight to park, round and back and no-one else will be there at that time'

What it seems we previously did with little's (according to past journals) who wanted to go out but were nervous was allow them to stay in the background...go anyway, then once you've got there and look about and no-one else there ...say ...' no-one about...come and look at this...be a great setting for our next story!..what do you think? and enjoy a nice peaceful walk together, take photo's ..if anyone else did come along they'd slip back into the background.

We took photo's of our self moving about so they could watch it back and realise...no-one else (in the real world) could see they were there, and that gave them more confidence to not panic if someone passed us briefly (such as another dog walker, or jogger).

Can you communicate telepathically so you're not seen 'talking out loud to yourself'? ...maybe you can enjoy discussing book ideas and how you can work together to turn it into a career?


Been blended as a pair..what we call 'Twinning' in our system has helped with confidence, but Juno and I have the strongest bond as we have stayed living as Twins for the longest (we choose to function as 'conjoined twins') where others in the system only tend to do it for a short time for a specific reason (eg playing a video game in real world together or being present for an outside event) but more often lived as individuals.

Maybe something like that would help?

Yuna

Thank you Yuna Ashe (Host with a little bit of Chaos co-con)

It's hard for us to get out of the house but we have a large back yard. We did find a bracelet to help ground us, but while we appreciate our family, it is hard to get a second to breathe.

Phoenix is a name this alter is trying out. She also kind of likes the idea of being called Fawkes (from Dumbledore's Phoenix) The alter actually took the name of the body originally but is deciding now she doesn't like to be called by that. Maybe when can help her realize the alone time outside with the dogs may be good. She just gets so obsessed with the writing. Thank you for listening to our concerns. We aren't used to it, and we don't like stressing other people out.

I know we have Raven and Yuka who act as caretakers in our system, and Raven used to be solely assigned to Phoenix. Raven's been helping me a lot and it's possible the lack of comfort inside was bothering her. We will have to try reading or something when the writing is getting interrupted too much or maybe see there is a youtuber or channel she likes to watch.

To Yuna (Host Ashe) [Chaos]

As far as talking telepathically, (thank you for pointing that out because I hadn't been thinking about it). I actually can't hear her voice. I get impressions and feelings from her, but we have a really hard time actually talking. I think this is partially because a lot of the time we have another alter co-con or at least watching us, as Phoenix has to be watched when in front. With her being a trauma holder and me not so much, I think there is a degree of separation Yuka is insistent on keeping.

With Chaos, Yuka, Reese, and Raven I can hear their voices clearly. I can tell who they are from sound and energy most of the time, but I'm not always aware of Phoenix's presence and I get more emotions from her. She types our story gets frustrated when she's interrupted and retreats back into the innerworld most of the time. [Chaos: She's stressed cause she feels like she should have this book done, and she doesn't handle deadlines and stress well]. I learn more about Phoenix from Raven and the other alters. [We were having issues with an alter in the inner world yesterday] I am feeling a little bit better today, but I do feel a little tired. We will just have to work on it. Chaos is currently demanded coffee, so I might try to get some caffeine in me.

My dogs have been my best therapy, maybe you can include them in the story? (your dogs in your story I mean!)

Maybe leave a paragraph or page for Phoenix to read next time they come out..with a note ''what do you think to this for part of our story? ..and write how a character finds the confidence to walk the dogs just down the street and back when no-one is about ..and gets a bit further each time?

Maybe just sitting out in your yard to write for a bit..if you can tell parents you need a break for an hour, while they're watching something on TV or something??? (to let Phoenix write in peace for a bit)...or getup earlier than them for a bit of peace and a short stroll if its safe where you live to do that.

who does grocery shopping? can you use that time to get a bit more time out by yourselves? ..you'd have to look at your situation and see what you can do.

We use a mobility scooter now and can't drive anymore but fortunately living in a village I've found if I get to certain places for specific time no-one else is about for a while..so early mornings are our favourite time especially sundays and bank holidays when most of the rest of the world are enjoying a lie in! ..we use those times to visit bigger parks earlier that would usually be quite busy for most of the day...especially during the peak of pandemic where I've had to avoid contact with others ... obviously if you live in a city where it may not be safe to walk out alone or have walking difficulties but no access to a car or scooter its going to be more challenging

Anyway Mr Woof wants his last game of ball before it starts getting dark here so I'll be back later!


Yuna

Hey Yuna!

Ashe [Yuka]

It's been a rough day today. Just realizing how disconnected from reality we really are. It's easier to dissociate, but we aren't going to get anywhere doing that. We miss things and it gets us in trouble. I will have to try to leave her notes. I started a life journal thread, but we will have to see. I'm learning that as much as I love my parents they aren't particularly flexible in their view of the world. We will have to figure something out, but for now, I'm just happy to know there are other people in my head when stupid things everyone can do are just too hard to do at that moment. At least they understand.