am i crazy?

hello people, I was just hoping you could perhaps give me some insights as to whether I'm insane or what.

for as long as I can remember I've thought in this weird conversational way, like two parts of my personality arguing. For example, in stressful situatons(which for me is prettymuch any kind of social interaction or independent decision-making) one part of my brain will either start having a panic attack and babbling about wanting to go home and how everyone is looking at me, or start fantasizing about murdering the people around me in extremely violent and distubing ways, while responding to other people with polite answers on the surface while going "screw you, go away you ugly jerk" (with more swearing) in my head. Then a more rational part of my brain goes, "okay, calm down, schitzo. everything is going to be fine. no need for killing people. just do this and this and this, and then the day will be over and you can go home, and it'll all be okay. Jeesh, do I have to help you with everything?

Adversely, in situations where I'm happy or excited, the emotional part will be all, "ladeedah, everything is wonderful, today is great, life is awesome," while the previously rational part starts ranting about how I'm only happy because I'm insane, and my mood will come crashing down in a few hours or even minutes, depending on if someone, assuming I'm actually normal, tries to talk to me or even look at me. then it'll start saying that everyone knows I'm a crazy friendless schitzo and I should just kill myself. Of course, usually the emotional side just goes, "well somebody woke up on the wrong side of the brain today, you grumpy gus!" and goes about its business.

Just to be clear, these aren't like exterior personalities in my head, like on TV when people have multiple personalities; both sides are definitely my own concious thoughts, although it's difficult to explain how I can actually have two sets of often conflicting thoughts. They aren't always as apparent as in the paragraphs above, but I think that's because the rational side takes over for most everyday activities--I couldn't function at all if I was thinking just in "whiny bipolar emotional wreck" mode.

So if anyone has any insights as to whether this is a dissociative personality distorder, or just my own unique brand of insanity, I'd love to hear it. Thanx

Well on TV that's just the artistic way of displaying things like DID and schizophrenia, not to be mistaken for each other, as they are two totally different things.

Being multiple doesn't make you crazy. That's just a creative way of coping with trauma. Crazy is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Do you do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time?

join the club! who knows, maybe everyone is crazy to some degree. i'm not a professional, so i can't dx anyone, but you do have some d.i.d. traits. all of us seem to have certain things in common. like; severe, long turn abuse, starting at a very young age. that we may or not allways remember. we fight in our head over how to dress, what to do, just about everything. if you ask me how my day went, i'd have to get with with the "others" to find out what we all did separately. the parts all have differing likes and dislikes, points of view, it gets real confusing, but as long as i have these guys to talk to, i seem to be able to hold on to my sanity. if this discribes what you are going through, you should probrably get it checked out.

nice to meet you, good luck in your search!
benny

It's recognisable enough, but since you're so confident of it being your own conscious thoughts, it could just be half/half dissociative.. a little down the spectrum, and a little farther than with most, but not absolutely split.. just two sides that have drifted away from each other. I couldn't tell you what it is for sure though, whether it's nothing in this direction at all, in between DID and regular, or actually DID which just manages to hide itself from you and manages a level of denial (these are both my thoughts, I'm in charge although I have those sides, I'm 'talking to myself') and amnesia for the amnesia.. but, the way you're describing it right now, it sounds like it's 'a little down the spectrum'. Don't trust anyone but a professional and your own gut instinct though! We can't tell you what it is for sure. Good luck on your journey!

my inner dialogue is endless conversation too.
conversations with myself.
I can and do do it aloud as well....and it freaks people out.

I can hold entire conversations complete with dialogue answers with myself.

Just onto this DID thing........learning at a geometric rate.

This changes it ALL.....i may not be crazy.