Not sure why I can't get over this.

Eliseahorse wrote:Y'all are also ignoring the fact that this girl doesn't want to share if she doesn't want to share she ain't ready for cocon. All that will do is taint all the memories of times (and probably the time itself) with the feeling of jeloucy (emotional bleedthrough people) if she wants to work towards cocon that will take time. Accepting the relationship as pollyam would help her in the short term getting her to the place where cocon could be done without the taint of jeloucy.

Ex-persecutor

Thank you.
I can (and usually do) co-con with most of the others. But there are memories that are only mine, that I don't share with the others. There are times with my husband that are mine, that I don't want to share with the others. Aside from husband things, I don't mind doing co-con with everyone else.

I really just need to get over being angry of V and jealous of her. I just don't know how. I don't think I'll ever want to co-con with her. I'm not even sure I'll ever like her (and yes, I know this is a problem).

Eliseahorse wrote:It was my well trained therapist who told us living seperatly as individuals was a valid way of being healthy and multiple if you want to argue with us about that then you know where my journey thread is.

Everyone of you have ignored the practical suggestion I gave to attack my personal ethic and in doing so derailed this thread.

I appreciate your viewpoint, it is really helpful. Our T did not see a problem with us remaining separate as long as we could work as a team. She said often times in sports teams you have team mates who don't like each other presonally, but on the field they can function as a unit to achieve a common goal. She said that doesn't mean they have to like each other off the field, but they have to respect each other enough to work together. That really stuck with me. So that's what I've tried to do. It did help a lot.

Eliseahorse wrote:Britplus6 I want you to know that you don't have to wait for greater integration/cocon/fusion to solve this you can get past this point using traditional (singleton orientated) solutions weather that be pollyam, open relationship or relationship therapy (Google jelous of boyfriends best friend for the sort of conflict jelousy resolution techniques that could be applicable)

It doesn't matter that you are in the same body and same brain you are still struggling with feelings that are unique to you. Learning to deal with these on an individual level will help now.

Cocon isn't a magic bullet it can be poisoned by bad feelings as much as it can be healed by good feelings. When a body is sick sometimes a general medicine acting on the whole body will heal it (paracetamol) sometimes a more specific treatment is also needed (plaster cast on broken bone) only you and your therapist will know what is needed both in the short and long term.

Thank you.

Dwelt wrote:For the ones who suggested co-con and developing a better communication, I think we were all addressing the "I feel like my time with my partner/friends is being stolen" issue, which came back multiple time. But if it made BritPlus6 feel like we were ignoring the fact she and her system doesn't want to share, then I'm sorry for that too.

I did not feel like my feelings were being ignored or the thread was derailed. I saw many pieces of advice that were helpful to other systems. I read them all, and responded to them all. My responses aren't getting automatically posted. I have to wait for a mod to approve them.

As far as my system not wanting to share.... it's pretty much only me that's having this issue. I'm the selfish one, I'm the insecure one, and I know this.

Dwelt wrote:To me, there's no better option, only the one that will work for BritPlus6 ; and it is totally possible to mix them both.

Thank you.

It's okay if you need more time than the others. I hope you will find the root of the issue and heal the old wound.

Remember that integration =/= fusion. Integration means healing the traumas and being able to share ressources, memories, feelings and thoughts. The fusion of identities is no longer seen as being a part of the integration process, but it is understood as something separate and optional.

For you, integrating would mean healing the wounds you carry and being able to be co-con with V too, without any painful feelings and without fusion.

There are other advices on how to solve inner conflicts in the books "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" and "Coping with trauma related dissociation".

ArbreMonde wrote:It's okay if you need more time than the others. I hope you will find the root of the issue and heal the old wound.

Thank you.

ArbreMonde wrote:Remember that integration =/= fusion. Integration means healing the traumas and being able to share ressources, memories, feelings and thoughts. The fusion of identities is no longer seen as being a part of the integration process, but it is understood as something separate and optional.

For you, integrating would mean healing the wounds you carry and being able to be co-con with V too, without any painful feelings and without fusion.

We have been using the word "integration" with the definition you give as "Fusion."
We do a fair amount of integration (by your definition). I seem to be the only one who has a problem with V.

Fusion is not an option. Period. So it's nice to see that other systems don't want to do fusion.

ArbreMonde wrote:There are other advices on how to solve inner conflicts in the books "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" and "Coping with trauma related dissociation".

K downloaded "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" on Amazon's Audible this morning. We were still in the introduction when the narrator read some things that made us go, "Wow, that's really accurate." I have a feeling this book may feel a bit uncomfortable at times. K hopes it will help our system as a whole.

Therapy books are always a bit uncomfortable when they talk about things we do not want / are unable to address yet. When this happens, I use a bookmark or take notes because it means I need to work on this later on. Even if only to try and understand why I am uncomfortable about this.

Regarding integration and fusion, the latest official therapies make the difference between the two and agree that fusion is an option, not a universal therapy goal. It is always nice to know this. If a therapist focuses on final fusion, they are not up-to-date.

I want to thank everyone who responded to this post and helped Britney work through her latest crisis. The young lady is very passionate and feels things deeply, when she gets upset it is like a tornado wreaking havoc on everything it touches. We love her, and wouldn't change that about her, it simply makes things chaotic in the system when she is feeling scared, angry, or hurt... and she had been feeling all three.

Having advice from other systems who could relate made a positive impact on Britney's thought process and helped her immensely. Input from unbiased systems and people who are separate from the situation helped her to hear what our husband and I were telling her. Though the situation will not fully resolve immediately, Britney has taken steps in the right direction. She seems to have accepted Val's apology and while Britney still does not like V, I can feel that the negative emotions have eased quite a bit.

Britney is resting now, as she does for a few days following her emotional episodes. The system is recovering from the onslaught of the emotions that Britney bleeds onto everyone.

Again, and sincerely, thank you all. Each of you contributed to the restoration of balance and peace to our system.

D

-- Thu Apr 07, 2022 10:26 am --

ArbreMonde wrote:Therapy books are always a bit uncomfortable when they talk about things we do not want / are unable to address yet. When this happens, I use a bookmark or take notes because it means I need to work on this later on. Even if only to try and understand why I am uncomfortable about this.

Regarding integration and fusion, the latest official therapies make the difference between the two and agree that fusion is an option, not a universal therapy goal. It is always nice to know this. If a therapist focuses on final fusion, they are not up-to-date.

Thank you for the book suggestion. It's quite intriguing, informative, and definitely applicable. I am enjoying it.

D