is DID really that bad? are there any posetive spects?

Hello! The DID topic is very interesting to me. I've always been skeptical about this disorder, even somewhat depreciatingly. It seemed to me too dramatic, not enough logically substantiated, "too much", especially due to the fact that acquaintance with it came from a book about Milligan. Until I befriended (accidentally fell in love with) a person with DID. And she doesn't want to get rid of her other selves, they are important to her, even if she understands the negative influence.

In life, this disorder is much more understandable, more truthful. I specifically got close with her when I felt like we were similar (for some reason I'm obsessed with finding people-like-me and making emotional connections with them) and I even had a goal at first, but I gave it up later.

I think I had such attitude to DID because I used to look at the world through the prism of my own experience. Since childhood I also didn’t have «a self», I always felt «fragmented», watched from the side, treated «myself» as another, sometimes with disdain, sometimes with universal love, and tried to teach «her» act the way I needed, the mirror never reflected «me» (but one day I felt like I saw my reflection in left eye, which scared me so it doesn't count). Actually I don't know how to describe it correctly, but I think you all understand. I also have memory problems like i can't remember what happened yasterday or a day before yasterday. At all. Always thought it was connected. But I have become so accustomed to this peculiarity of mine that I cannot imagine myself without it, and in fact I consider it the main pillar of my personality, something that best defines me! I'm not afraid to forget my name or people close to me, I'm afraid to recover from this and lose a piece of clear self-determination. Sounds silly for sure, but I feel more connection between the thoughts written down in the notepad than with my the body. I would say that they are more me than anything else. As if I am aware that somethin separate from the mind and body, «the third» (I used to call myself that way) and transfer it(myself) to paper, pure self, without impurities and ballasts, except with the smell of ink.
As a child I didn’t have an explanation of all this, so I just I thought I was a parasite that took over the body of a poor girl, so childish.

As I grew older it didn’t matter so much, and as a teenager I came across the term «depersonalization», but I didn’t care anymore, I just got used. It even began to seem practical to me (however, only after a s8@83924h9,lk attempt and subsequent manic episode, but still!)

Personality identity is also broken(in some way) from childhood, but I don't think it's important, I feel that many people (at least ones with memory problems) treat their past selves as «separate individuals», but don't talk about it, or don't realize it, or don't want to be aware, it somewhat changes the idea of ​​oneself and forms certain relationships.

I have already written a lot about myself, but that's not what I'm here for! i would like to know is this desorder really that bad and why do many people with DID want to get rid of their alters or want to merge them all in one? Wouldn't that be considered a betrayal, wouldn't you feel lonely? You don't have the feeling that your alter is the closest to you, and the most precious person that you have, that you must protect, because there will never be anyone closer, literally.
As a child, my «imaginary friend», a accidently created tulpa, a familiar that appeared due to the departure of my father and replaced him, left me, and I felt .. empty or something? I liked to have someone who exists only for me, someone that special, like your own «reflection», part of me, but separated, alive. Someone with whom you have a connection that is impossible with anyone else, but with yourself.

Memory lapses and a fractional sense of self are not the most pleasant things, but I think it's worth it when it comes to someone as close as a detached part of yourself.

another question: why do alters call themselves «alters», the division into «host» and «others» doesn't affect relationships?

i dont have any diagnosis!!

Interesting question
as always with differences, there are both different problems and different advantages. it doesnt matter what is different from what, a car that is weaker than another car may instead have a better fueleconomy and so forth. Every difference creates a different set of pros and cons.

From what i have seen then the biggest problem is flashbacks, which isnt related to did in itself, even if the traumas are the reason did was created, but did can exist even without trauma when those are treated.

on the positive side is multitasking, one body can do many things at once with full control. one typical example would be to hold a conversation while watching tv and reading a book, it is impossible for a singleton to do, but a group of alters can do it without a problem. also, they can share the memory of their experience with eachother afterwards , which in a way makes it possible to live a life that is as long as the bodys life multiplied with the number of alters.
-without cooperation, then this multitasking is a big source of problems too ofcourse.

another question: why do alters call themselves «alters», the division into «host» and «others» doesn't affect relationships?

that distinction comes from the outside, from therapists trying to understand and describe what they see, not from the alters themselves.
the best word i have seen is siblings, since every alter in a way is a sibling to eachother and the system is a big family. living together in a single house of a body.

priest wrote:And she doesn't want to get rid of her other selves, they are important to her, even if she understands the negative influence.

Her "other selves" are the other parts of her. She as a whole person is the whole of her system, all of her alters. There is no "negative influence" really, just parts of her mind which are disconnected from each-other, have trouble regulating each-others, some containing a lot of hurt, some focusing on specific aspects of her life without being able to see the others.

priest wrote:Since childhood I also didn’t have «a self», I always felt «fragmented», watched from the side, treated «myself» as another, sometimes with disdain, sometimes with universal love, and tried to teach «her» act the way I needed, the mirror never reflected «me»).

What you describe is consistent with dissociative disorders though it's not really possible to specify which one specifically. Only a trained therapist can do the proper differential diagnosis and check if it really is dissociation and where on the dissociative scale you are situated.

priest wrote:i would like to know is this desorder really that bad and why do many people with DID want to get rid of their alters or want to merge them all in one?

The thing with DID is that, even when the IDENTITIES are separate, what constitutes each alter is only a part of a whole. They are not "many persons in the same body" they are "different pieces of a whole person". In order to properly function, one needs to be able to connect all the different pieces of the self. It does not matter how many identities remain in the end, how well the different pieces are fused together, what is important is that the connexion is good enough so that the life becomes more managable.

The issue with DID is not the "I" it's the "D". The problem is not that there are many identities, but that the dissociation keeps the person as a whole from functionning properly.

Regarding tulpae, when people "accidentaly" create a tulpa it's often that they merely discover a more or less dissociated part of their mind. To create a tulpa or imaginary friend requires a LOT of effort and constant focus. When they just "pop" like that, it's most likely a dissociative issue. Dissociated people tend to feel lonely or empty when they loose contact with some of their parts because in the same time they loose access to part of their memories, part of their abilities, part of who they are. While on the contrary, integration (connexion) of the parts brings a feeling of wholeness. If you want to read more about it, I have written about it in my journey thread since circa january '22 I think.

priest wrote:another question: why do alters call themselves «alters», the division into «host» and «others» doesn't affect relationships?

They do not call themselves that. "Alter" means "Alternating identities" and it's a medical term to name all the different identities that can show up in a physical person. "Host" is a function, the part who manages most of the aspects of the daily life. Not every system has a "host". Every system is organized the way that's the best for the whole system as any given point.

DID is nothing magical or mysterious or anything. It's impressive because of the different identities, but it's "just" PTSD level over 9000 with a lot of dissociation going on. The brain labels the different parts with different identities, more or less separate, because it's what needs be done for the survival of the whole physical person. Healing the trauma and dissociation makes the person more able to manage the daily life. The identities / alters evolve and fuse - or not - by themselves depending on what is best for the system. Therapy is not about "getting rid of the alters" but about "making the whole mind work properly without dissociating". The alters manage themselves accordingly. Pushing them into getting organized this or that way is counter therapeutic. They will fuse if they need to. They will stay separate if they need to.

Just let your selves be and focus on betting better as a whole.

DID is not "bad". It's a survival mechanism. It's AWESOME because it allows to survive the unmentionable and unthinkable worse things of life. But like every survival mechanism, keeping it active for longer than needed will have misadapted consequences on everyday life.

Do not hesitate to have a look at the list of ressources found in the ressources thread I linked in my signature. There are books and websites, some explain what is DID, some explain how to treat it and why the latest guidelines decide over this sort of treatment, and so on.

If you wish to pursue a diagnosis, try to focus on people who know about trauma and dissociation. It is important to have the proper diagnosis because recieving the wrong treatment can at best be ineffective, at worse cause more issues.

I've gone through life not knowing DID existed but always had autism.

In my mind I simply saw what I know now to be 'alters' as invisible childhood friends or an ability to pretend to be someone else when I couldn't cope eg going to school.

It may help that I have no memory of the first 7-8 years of my life so can't actually remember one traumatic event that may have led to it or bullying or medical procedures done in those first years. I only know what has been told to me by parents when I was older and had more self awareness.

Maybe due to the autism I always saw it as a 'special skill', in the same way I could reproduce TV themes on a keyboard from a young age even though I couldn't learn to read music until later in my teens (at secondary school).

Either way I was told not to tell anyone about my 'imaginary friends' when I was seen as 'too old' to be having them, so just learned to keep them a secret so I didn't get 'locked up' (I was a child in the 70's when mental illness was very much feared and people put away in 'mental hospitals!').

I'm in my 50's now and tbh they have proven to be an advantage for me over other people with autism particularly with regard to developing coping skills.

Recently (about 6 months ago now) the last 'host' shut down in a medical emergency, if there was no ability to switch or let someone else take over I'd probably still be in hospital in a 'shut down' state, as it was I found 'myself' up front with no memory of the inside or many of the others and was seemingly 'guided' to say all the right things to get us back home again!

Nobody identified us as DID but maybe with the effects of stroke on top of the autism (which is on my medical records) and neuro issues they were expecting they didn't see anything as 'strange' or 'unusual' and I was allowed home to recover after a fairly short time!

In that situation I feel it was definitely an advantage for me and has been throughout my life, although I understand (now) why other people may not see it the same way.

Yuna

ArbreMonde wrote:
Regarding tulpae, when people "accidentaly" create a tulpa it's often that they merely discover a more or less dissociated part of their mind. To create a tulpa or imaginary friend requires a LOT of effort and constant focus. When they just "pop" like that, it's most likely a dissociative issue. Dissociated people tend to feel lonely or empty when they loose contact with some of their parts because in the same time they loose access to part of their memories, part of their abilities, part of who they are.

This leads me believe further that dissociation is definitely an issue for me and has been my entire life and that what I was told were 'imaginary friends' were in reality much more.

Because I think of the ease with which I was originally able to recreate my mother in the 'inner world' (after the death of her physical body in the real world'), to believe I could talk to her spirit, for 'her' to believe she is a Tulpa who can age slide (and convince me I can too - at least mentally - ie always having a 'young mind').

At the same time being able to believe another host had taken over in the real world to get us through the days.

At the same time now the one's not needed in this part of life (ie post-stroke) have been unable to be reached since the stroke, maybe if they are all just parts of me they are already blended with 'me'? ...as the only one's I 'see' now as separate are the ones based on family members and pets who have passed and now live as Tulpa/spirits/changelings within 'the system' to keep their memories alive.

My sibling who was much younger than me when our mum died no longer remembers her clearly, his bond was stronger with our dad who passed much later on in our lives when we were both adults and the age gap seemed much less significant. He is not able to imagine him as a Tulpa in his mind though as he isn't DID....so more and more I am thinking I MUST be, or I would not be capable of doing or thinking as I do...being autistic too complicates things as there is so much overlap!

I am able to live with my 'mum' as my 'secret twin' and have kept her memory alive for well over 30 years by living with her 'on the inside'. She has evolved by herself she is no longer just a copy of my mum from the age she died, she is my age, my twin - on the inside' but my mothers re-incarnated spirit and a 'separate self' to 'me'.


I know religion and physical illness/medical trauma featured strongly in my first years and a high incidence of deaths of family members which maybe explains my beliefs, the existence of 'Phoenix' and 'Juno' and the bodies neurological issues...I know Somatoform disorders were looked at in the past by a Neurologist but they never reached the point of discovering DID.

Yuna

priest wrote:i would like to know is this desorder really that bad and why do many people with DID want to get rid of their alters or want to merge them all in one? Wouldn't that be considered a betrayal, wouldn't you feel lonely? You don't have the feeling that your alter is the closest to you, and the most precious person that you have, that you must protect, because there will never be anyone closer, literally.

Is it "that bad?" The answer is yes, it can be.
There are various reasons people want to "get rid of their alters." For some, they don't want to be fragmented anymore because of the challenges it presents. In some cases, the "alters" want to be the only one in the body and feel frustrated and angry, so they want to get rid of everyone else and be the only person. That was my case a long time ago. I was bitter, angry, and frustrated that the "host" got to do what she wanted...go to school for what SHE wanted, get the jobs SHE wanted, etc... and I wanted to live my own life. But obviously that couldn't happen. Also, I was (and still am) in a relationship with the body's husband and was (and sometimes still am) jealous of the relationships some of the others had with him. I've worked through most of that...but those were MY reasons.

Considered a betrayal? Maybe. Was I attempting to betray my system-mates? IN my head, no. In my head them being there, and me being "stuck" was the betrayal of my mind, and I wanted to rectify that. I would NOT be lonely. It would be blissfully quiet. Imagine having a sibling follow you EVERYWHERE YOU GO ALL THE TIME and you could NEVER do anything by yourself. And they talked incessently. That's what it felt like to me.

priest wrote:
another question: why do alters call themselves «alters», the division into «host» and «others» doesn't affect relationships?

They psychology world coined the phrase "alters." My system doesn't use that word. Mainly because of me. I feel like being called an "alter" implies that I have less of a right to be here than the one who is considered the host. Think of the world of sports, on a sports team you have the first string people who are considered the best... then you have the ALTERNATES... people who were just barely not quite good enough to make the team, but are better than almost everyone else other than their first-string teammates. So, we usually use "parts," but have also sometimes used: "Insiders," "headmates," and "others."