A New Start (the way forwards)

TheTriForce wrote:Are you only able to speak when home alone too or with close family?

we speak more often than not, the situations where we don't are either loud/overwhelming places (some restaurants, grocery stores) or stressful situations (doctor appt, conflicts). though there are many times when we would very much prefer not to speak but force ourselves. for most of our life we didn't really know there were options for communication - either we talked or we froze up and hated ourselves for it. so it's been a bit of an exploration in terms of how to communicate and also take care of our inner state.

our two nonspeaking parts are almost never front, so I think that helps us speak more. but we still infinitely prefer written/signed communication, as it's more reliable and easier to convey our true meaning. I feel like it's an Autism thing, more than a DID thing.

the Deaf college sounds like an interesting place, I admit I'm jealous of being so immersed in the language. I've struggled to continue my progress because I've reached the end of the classes available to me and I have such a hard time interacting socially at events.. I keep trying though. I wish you had more outlets in your area, do you miss it?

well no as I (Lily) don't remember it. It was mostly Thea. I wasn't around at the time and she had long disappeared when I came back to the front. I've never blended with her so don't have access to any of her memories of socialising with other signers.

Some times sign language is taught at like evening classes or during day in community centres and stuff.... maybe there's something like that near you?

Lily

Well Kit & Kate have returned from their skill swapping session!!...They are now seperate again. We seem to be doing temporary blends between different ones. it seems we have created a way of still passing on skills/memories to each other, as some areas were damaged due to the stroke so a more direct way of having memories all together and available to everyone isn't working.

For some just one day or night blended is long enough to pass on memories, skills ..for others a longer time blended is needed...I'm not sure whether thats related to if the alter was more damaged by the stroke or the amount of information being swapped.

I have to return inside today as Kate wants Yuna to blend with her...Jay and the other fragments will stay integrated within me. Yuna's memories should still stay with me (as Jay had a copy too).

Next move is for Kit to integrate within Bobby for a while to transfer skills and give them more confidence when out. .and them both then to blend with me, then Sunday we go for a meal with bro.

I think this is an attempt to create a 'me' thats a little more 'unmasked' than the 'social alters' who deal with 'professional appointments' but not quite as 'unmasked' as Bobby/Kit alone are.

I'll be back Monday with maybe some more new memories and skills but I'll still be me and seperate from Bobby and Kit (by then..I think!) and still be called Lily!

Lily

Yesterday went well I (as lily) am now a seperate 'partial mask' host! I'm up-to-date with full early life up to the point 'Culturally Deaf' Thea started to take over for most of the time everyday. The only available memories during that time period are for the times others 'slipped out' or things that were done at weekends home or holidays. The same for Maddie's time out. we're not sure where those specific memories are so I'm still very disconnected from that period of life.

Kit says it doesn't matter, we have retrieved enough of 'our life' between us and treasured memories of the ones most important to us, which is more than some people with strokes have been able to retrieve. We should be grateful we've managed to retrieve as many memories and skills as we have and Kit's fairly sure it's only because different parts held different memories and skills in the first place and we've been able to 'work around' the damage between us to compensate.

As far as the future is concerned we have come to the conclusion we need at least two ‘versions of self’ (seperate external hosts) ..even to cope with the most basic life including only local (GP/immediate neighbours) and family contact.

Then there’s the situations like when have to meet benefits people every 5-10 years and other possible people for ‘legal stuff’ - bank. Medical etc. For which we need a more ‘professional mask’

That’s 3 absolute minimum without even including any further developments/trauma in life.

We’re 55 next, our dog is 12.. assuming we outlive him, we have to get through his ‘passing’ and our step mother is in her 70’s now. Our sibling is younger though not necessarily much fitter! There is a possibility we could be left totally alone (as far as all external support/family/help etc are concerned).

Would we have enough motivation to keep going if all external help was gone and all/most of our alters were integrated/fused into just 'one self' (would we feel even more alone)??? Would this trigger another massive breakdown causing everyone to split off again and end up worse off???

Where is the advantage of being ‘one’ in that situation given our autism and difficulty in relating to and making new relationships??? (to get external help from people and be able to 'move on')

Everybody (thats able to) has been asked to think about what they want in regards to how they want us to exist (and work together as a system) in the future.


Lily.

The system has unaminously decided to 'stay as we are' - whatever this stage is called!

We're not sure if we would be considered 'integrated' or 'Functional multiplicity' by professionals but we have managed to share some memories and skills between us (despite the stroke damage) and with a couple of us either voluntarily blending or co-hosting together we can manage most daily life events between us.

Many smaller fragments have re-integrated and its mainly just alters that have been seperate for most of our years that struggle to manage a complete fusion with another 24/7. ..and Bobby..adult or not...will never give up the 'inner world' in favour of an outside world that doesn't understand us and wouldn't believe us if we tried to explain (this place being a rare exception!)

Kit believes 'little Susie' resides in an area of the brain that was more damaged and as such may now never age beyond 6 or 8...certainly never beyond 10 as she never got beyond that age originally. Even blended with an adult in background or fronting, she doesn't seem to age up much (think she's been 8 briefly) whereas others automatically age-slide.

I adapted quite quickly considering I felt about 12 when I first re-emerged and the body is 54! I'm not sure what being 54 is supposed to 'feel like' but I definitely feel older than 12 now!

Bobby has apparently being 'slipping out' throughout the bodies life as the opportunity arose so even though they never really interacted with anyone other than the dogs we had at the time they were out long enough to experience the body at many different ages.

Kit says its kinda interesting I disappeared at beginning of puberty and returned when the body is nearing final menopause. Kit and Bobby are also starting to feel more comfortable with the body (though they'd still like us to be smaller in the chest but maybe with further reduction of estrogen they will shrink more!) They never felt comfortable being out at that 'T.O.M'.

Yuna is still feeling quite low so has returned inside so it's not impacting me and Kit too much trying to get through the day, it maybe again related to estrogen levels I'm not sure but maybe when things level out she'll be back to do some hosting? The weathers been quite grey and depressing here too lately. Hopefully she can enjoy a few summer trips out when the weather improves she doesn't like being cold and in pain...(who does?) ..The T has spiked again too quite a bit lately with all the stress from the benefits situation and March is a difficult month for us with it being 'Mothers Day' here in our country, plus we have our last dog's birthday and the anniversary of her passing in the same month.

Hopefully LS being excited playing her new game at end of this month will cheer everyone back up again for Spring/Summer!!


Lily

Kit here

I thought I'd write a post for a change while I'm out about the interesting differences in 'Lily' as she was originally from much further back in life and the next host child after Bobby and LS couldn't cope and before the evolution of Thea.

Even though she has 'aged up' after being updated she still has some differences from us later hosts.
Firstly she does not identify with being deaf at all but situational mutism is almost as big a problem for her as it was for Bobby and Little Susie. She's a step further on than Bobby who never spoke to anyone at all in any sitation, (as a child) but not much further advanced than LS in that she will only speak to very specific people in very specific situations.

Although Thea did too the crucial difference is/was Thea saw herself as been deaf in a cultural sense so from her viewpoint she felt she was choosing not to speak and choosing to only sign whereas Lily doesn't feel any connection to deaf-born people (as we weren't born deaf) she like Bobby & LS also remembers some sounds being 'painful' and too loud, there are still sounds she'd prefer not to hear but as the Tinnitus is one of them she tends to keep the hearing aids in when she does front.

we didn't know about the autism when she was first out so she doesn't particularly relate to being autistic in the traditional sense either (like most of us she has no memory of the very early years) she most identifies with the description of Selective (or Situational Mutism) and I've found looking through past tabs that she has been looking this up.

Despite aging up now she still feels this description that she found online is her.

People with SM have instinctual speech 'rules' about who can and cannot be spoken to that can last for years or even decades. The 'rules' sometimes have a tendency to spread, however, and some young adults with SM may eventually become mute in all situations because their system of 'rules' has, progressively, become so entrapping that they cannot face speaking anywhere or to anyone.

Our younger alters had four different types of speech rule

* being compelled to be mute every single time of encountering a specific person. Those who had never heard us speak would never hear us speak, even if we had known them for years.

* With a few exceptions, anyone related or associated with anyone who we could not speak to could not be spoken to either.

* Those who did not know we were mute in other situations could never be allowed to find out we didn't speak in some situations

* Those who only knew us as mute could not discover we could speak in other situations.

In the early years it was simple we (except Bobby) spoke at home but didn't speak at school, we lived in a small village, life was simple.. we spoke to a few select friends and mainly saw only family. Apparently when family took us camping holidays away from home we had no problems speaking to other kids as we knew we'd probably never see them again (no social media back then..no kids had their own phones!) ...so effectively anyone who wanted to host or speak in a different voice could front...Also fortunately it seems our school was good about not pushing us to speak in front of the class as they were probably told there were bullying issue due to kids mocking us trying to speak or being unable to speak or do anything in front of them (this maybe also where the fear of walking in front of others came from for some older alters or doing anything that would divert all attention to us).

I think Thea developed entirely accidentally after a chance visit to a deaf school (part of a college course) and here were kids who our class didnt make fun of even though they couldn't speak or needed to wear hearing aids, they thought signing was cool! (We'd been diagnosed as having an hearing loss on one side and had been given an hearing aid by this time but hated wearing it as it amplified everything). We had been learning sign as part of the course (level 1) and due to the littles fascination at the time with it (sneaking out to practice at night when alone in bedroom) we were the best at it in our class particuarly finger spelling and reading back other people's signs. (we used to practice in a mirror) ...I'll add Lily was no longer fronting during this period so never originally learnt sign language or experienced the hearing loss as it happened.

I also came along later in life so it's being interesting to relaise what was missing during the memory gap where 'Lily' had orginally been and how that possibly led to 'Thea's Deaf Identity' created I believe to cope with increasing social expectation...college/work experiences..looking for work ... we were going to no longer be a child who could get away with speaking in some situations but not in others as SM was not recognised back then. We were just seen as very shy due to our 'speech difficulties' (stammer ....difficulty physically getting words out) from most of our alters perspective at that time we had a complete phobia of speaking particuarly when people were waiting for us to speak (asking for things in a shop, giving destination on a bus/train to get tickets from conductor, presentations in class random strangers asking directions or asking your name etc) but were ok speaking at home with family... all alters left from the time 'before Thea' are still like that when they come out now.

As all these pieces come together 'Bobby' is more and more able to understand why we are the way we are and who they are ..who 'we are' .. as an adult. The world is finally starting to 'make more sense'.


Kit

Hi again

I had a weekend inside to spend some time with others I hadn't met yet. I see Kit has been busy!

Anyway after a brief 'changeover meeting' Kit's gone back inside, she told me to do more research on SM and try and find other single people's experience of it too. She said it might help to find people who'd had it as a child but who can speak now in most situations.

Kit says she has relaised now why Maddie was like she was and her ability/disability at such a different level to the insiders.

The stroke, pandemic and peri menopause all hitting us together has given us 'a viable reason' for coming out of it a completely different person! (from the perspective of outsiders seeing us as 'one person') so we must use this to our advantage and really take time to work out who we want to be 'seen as' moving forwards.

How much do we want people to expect from us? (eg How much 'social pressure' can we safely take without it triggering another breakdown)
Who wants to be up front most and what kind of life do they want?
Will others be able to cope with that kind of life if they found themself up front suddenly? ..or are they going to pre-agree to only come out at specific times if whoever remain permanent host promises to always make time for them to safely visit us (but remain a secret to the outside world).

Many would rather remain inside than integrate with the front on a permenant basis as they feel they have their own lives on the inside as the inner world is so developed. We believe Bobby actually has Hyperphantasia ...so everyone who is a direct split from Bobby has the ability to see the inner world too. and of course all changelings/Tulpa's can automatically see/live in it as they were 'created' there by Bobby!


Myself, LS, Bobby and Kit have it (internal visions) the strongest... Jay & Yuna could imagine it once taken there but seemed to need to be blended with one of us to 'visit it'. (Once inside they need an 'escort' to bring them back out to the front too.... we are not sure why??) Jay is integrated within me now anyway (they chose that) sto give me access to some of 'later life memories' so it's no longer an issue for them. Yuna has chosen to remain inside and live on the inner farm' with everyone.


Although I was originally created by Bobby, LS & Phoenix blending (as 10yr olds) I still see us as 4 seperate individuals. I have some of their traits ,yes I can see that but I also hope to develop my own hosting style and personality too. Bobby feels happier they feel 'more represented' in the outside world without them actually having to deal with it all 24/7!

Now I have aged up to deal with life Bobby has returned to their previous 'inner world body' of a 10yr old gender netural child with pointy ears! ..however they take with them all the knowledge they acquired out here so aren't exactly the same child they were and now they speak and interact with all the other alters choosing to live inside!


Kit will still remain seperate as a protector/gatekeeper/helper ...etc They have a fragment of Kate's experience and memories as a caretaker/parent, so have a 'softer edge to them' but still see themself as 'Kit' rather than Kitty! She told me to remove her name (from signature) and says I'm in charge of 'digital communication' and 'social stuff' now

They not abandoned me out here though!.... we can all communicate telepathically to discuss stuff that crops up day to day and they'll still be 'visiting'.

ok update over..have to tidy up now and sort out what needs doing this week, we've promised LS some quality time out on the switch when her Princess Peach game comes at end of the week!


Lily

Bobby seems much happier..I feel like thats the part of my brain that doesn't want to lose the ability to visualise the inner world and create new 'holodecks' to get lost in. It keeps the brain active!

They'd bought themselves the PS5 with Avatar previously (which Kit wasn't happy about given the 'benefits situation at the time!) but feel disappointed by the gameplay and the fact its taking days to download any game even with using mobile data ...which it uses up in one go is off putting (which strangely doesn't happen when downloading switch games!)

We thought of re-selling it but Kit says ..well it can be used to watch films too (it can play DVD's and blu-ray movie discs too) if we move it to bedroom (no DVD player in there) ..one really good game that we could spend hours in and have multiple saves etc would make it worth keeping. So we'd been watching Youtube clips and discovered that Baldurs Gate 3 has a special 2 disc physical edition coming out where you can play from the disc..even if have to download a couple of patches by then it would still considerably cut the DL time. (compared to purchasing it as digital copy) so we can just get extra mobile data for that month without having to pay more every month for a more expensive home BB when we never get anywhere near the quoted speeds out here!

Once we saw you could create a Link/Zelda type character with pointy ears thats a kind of changeling (can turn into different animals in battle) and talk to the animals in the game we were hooked! so have pre-ordered the physical edition...I think we've missed the first batch for March release but should get our copy in 2nd batch release which should come before or in time for our birthday. Gives LS penty of time to enjoy Princess Peach first!

We have worked out where everyone came from and why and think we have found everyone who has been a main host (and all the fragments are accounted for)

I think also because we realise now the social hosts we felt most disconnected from (Thea & Maddie who most insiders felt were 'nothing like them') were the ones created for social situations we don't have to deal with anymore.. we're not so young and mask so well people expect us to work, have family etc anymore and be like everyone else. Everyone has realised the 'pressure to perform and convince everyone we're NT like them' is no longer there.

Stimming and self-injury which used to be common before has been replaced with using video games or visualisation/meditation to calm instead ..water colour painting is really relaxing too when we can find the energy to get started on a project! ..and the supplements we've been taking for mood swings are helping now we've been taking them for a longer time. Our thyroid levels were back within normal range at our most recent blood test.

I think knowing we're nearing the end of this part of life where there will be no more menstrual cycle to deal with (hopefully if it doesnt come back before may!) is making some of us feel happier and more comfortable in the body and should also help with the monthly mood swings , anxiety and the amount of switches that take place.


Lily

It's awesome that you find ways to better balance your life!

I enjoy watercolours too, but any painting or drawing thing takes me forever to start too. It's a bit frustrating. All the more enjoyable when I manage to start one!

ArbreMonde wrote:It's awesome that you find ways to better balance your life!

I enjoy watercolours too, but any painting or drawing thing takes me forever to start too. It's a bit frustrating. All the more enjoyable when I manage to start one!

I know! .. we still haven't started our lake painting project but hopefully once its gets warmer and we're out in the garden more we will take the sketchbook out with us (as can't see switch screen outside!) and practice more.

I think we have a general idea between us what we want in it, its just getting it down on paper!