A New Start (the way forwards)

This is Kit

We've had a system crash due to exhaustion... the other day we unexpectedly got a text message (few hours after Yuna posted here) from the benefits people giving 12 hours notice that someone was coming here.. again only a phone number to cancel..we get so tired of having to constantly repeat ourselves that we can't use a phone!

Yuna started panicking so I came out to take over.. I summoned Bobby, Jess and Kate and together we decided on a plan and decided what we needed to pre-explain (pre-stored sentences on the communication app). We decided the four of us would do a temporary blend to handle the appointment.

so get up 6am ...get Mr Woof's walk and breakfast out of the way so can run through plan again ..waited hours ...just outside of the time they gave us woman turns up...she had apparently being given a different time slot! we managed to hold it together to get through another couple of hours been questioned.

Honestly the system is ridiculous and not fit for purpose! We thought they'd just want a statement so had printed off last statement from bank account.... they didnt want that! .

oh no! ......with ONE days notice they wanted us to provide 2 YEARS of statements from the time of the pandemic because we went over the savings limit ...at a time when the country was in lockdown and no one could go anywhere anyway cos everywhere was shut! I kid you not!

Obviously we couldn't provide them on the spot...and had no idea who to contact or how ...so had no choice but to sign a thing giving them permission to ask the bank to send the statements to them directly. Now we have to wait weeks or possibly months for them to receive them and decide whether we need to pay it back!

We were exhausted after she left and had to re-split...we don't have much energy today so only I am at the front to get Mr Woof out ..thats probably all I'll manage today before going back to bed. For now most have gone into temporary stasis to preserve energy for a couple of days while we recover.

The system reshuffle is on hold for now until we get this issue out of the way and know what we're facing. Some were getting so anxious about the possibilities (they can prosecute meaning we'd have to cope with going to court or they can send bailiffs with police to collect items that are worth however much you owe etc) that we were being physically sick again after they left and anxiety levels through the roof.

We can't continue with those thoughts 24/7 for the next however many weeks/months it takes them to decide it would trigger another complete mental breakdown ...so the one's most affected by those kinds of anxieties agreed to go into temporary stasis to 'switch off' those thoughts coming through to the front and just leave a couple of us to get through the days and look after Mr Woof.

Kit

Hi its Lily

Kit felt bad about me having to go into stasis as I'd only just re-emerged so I stayed in the background and just watched while they dealt with the situation.

Yesterday afternoon I plucked up the courage to ask Kit directly if I could front as I wasn't stressed about the situation as don't understand it so have no feelings about it. Bobby backed me up and said it would give them opportunity to 'train me up' without distractions of the others and give them something else to focus on instead too. Kit agreed to it.

They showed me the photo timeline so I could see our body growing from little Susie to current day and they shared some life memories with me overnight. I now have memories of all our dogs lives and stuff like camping holidays with our parents while they were alive and some memories with 'my brother' (the external version!)

Kit says Kate will come out to blend with me if we get invitation from bro to go to his house for tea while I am 'in training' at the front.

Bobby has blended with me so I can age-slide (as they can). We did some physio this morning and working on gaining better co-ordination of the body. I'm getting a driving lesson from Kit soon when we take our dog for walk with the mobility scooter.

It's exciting its like waking up in some parallel universe and finding yourself in a different body with a new life and technology that wasn't yet invented in your last life.. (PS5! WOW!)
Initially I was sad I felt I'd missed many years with my parents but Bobby can re-create all those moments for me in the Holodeck so I can still experience them and they can be any age too in there whereas out here...if they were still alive they'd be very old. They told me about this pandemic situation too.

They said I can change the bottom bit and put me as Temporary Host in training ..so I'm gonna do ..might never get another chance to play host again once everyone else comes back out!

Lily

I'm still trying to understand where the others came from that came after me.

Bobby directed me towards Star Trek an episode where a young Ezri Dax finds herself the host of Jadzia Dax and all her previous hosts.

So it seems we are Dax or the human equivalent! so now I carry memories of past hosts lives (don't have them all just yet) but am supposed to see them all as 'my life' ..is that what this DID is?

Some of ours are seperate though, they tell me they are Tulpa and won't be able to re-integrate with me because they have never been 'a version of me' ...only the ones that were 'a version of me' will eventually re-integrate with 'me'. ..the others will remain seperate.

'The process has begun' I keep hearing ..I have to blend with Yuna and Sue so I have their memories too but I'm not sure exactly when this willl happen. Kit and Kate have disappeared inside ...Jess tells me when they return they will be one, Bobby has already integrated inside me.

Lily

Understanding the structure of the system is very complicated, especially since it keeps moving and re-shuffling and readapting all the time. It's like trying to map a growing forest.

It's difficult to see the experiences of other parts as "me too" when we do not share the same sense of self. What helped me was to see all of the experiences of all the parts/alters as one huge package of informations that will be super usefull to all share together so we can tap in the experiences of others to better manage the present life.

Sometimes it includes sharing the "knowing what they felt from a first person point of view". Being able to walk in the other alters' shoes, metaphorically, helps better understand their experiences and have a wider knowlege of life.

Hope this helps!

We can access their memories from their viewpoint but they are not 'me' they are reincarnated spirits of other people/pets. That is our belief.

The system has decided ..even if by some miracle we do eventually get down to 'one version of me' at anytime in the future they will still remain seperate in honour of the memories of the loved ones they represent. It's Bobby who has the ability to create Tulpa and they created them for us all as comfort, guidance and carers for LS whilst ever she remains 'little'.


Anyway the system had been discussing how we can help LS understand the changing of the system and the need to adapt and no-one was quite sure how to put it in visual, fun or interactive form for her that she wouldn't be afraid to try to understand.

Bobby had been keeping an eye out for the Princess Peach game as Susie had asked for it previously and we watching a review on YT last night and relaised it kind of deals with the subject.
As PP gets the ability to transform herself for every level to have the skills she needs for that level (ie situation) and of course it makes it fun.

It seems many of us have understood things via acting things out in video games then replaying it in the Inner world holodecks. It is hoped that her pretending she's PP transforming in the game doesn't seem so scary and she may then continue to do this 'pretend play' back in the Inner world too which will then lead to her then (really) understanding why hosts change for different situations etc.

We think once everyone throughout the system understands and everyone who wants/needs to blend/integrate is paired with right 'partner' in the right order (this seems to be important here and maybe why past attempts have failed) then things will come together.

I know have Yuna (and Jay and the other smaller fragments who already integrated within her) integrated within me. Bobby is still doing 'temporary blends' to help with transferring knowledge but we believe its Bobby's destiny to reblend with LS and that has to happen first.

Not sure if Kit's blending with Kate is temporary or not yet, it maybe just to transfer some protector skills or for Kate to 'soften' Kit's paranoia.


Lily

This is long one.. (yep ..even for us! ...its Loooong!! )

We have made quite a lot of progress since we first came on here. (we think?)

Firstly the biggest one.. Bobby who had been previously stuck at non-verbal 10 year old...'grew up' after the stroke..although they still remain non-verbal in some situations they are talking in more situations and also instead of just self-injuring when they don't understand emotions they will say 'We're having an emotion what is it?' Others (usually 'social hosts') will explain to them eg 'we're feeling frustrated because of x situation but we're sorting it, it will be over soon'...Bobby will now go back inside until said situation is over ...or for a 'holodeck break' but no self-injury will occur. Sometimes going on their favourite video games will calm them in place of other stims. It seems Bobby is the most autistic, most unmasked version of 'self'

Little Susie (LS) is still mostly 6 but understands a great deal more than your average 6 year old child she has become more confident since she first started to come out but still prefers to be 6 and prefers the inside world to the outside. its safer and we have a version of our 70's home and family (Tulpa's created by Bobby for her) in there as her caretakers plus Sue (trauma split alter created after death of real life mum as we also then became caretaker to younger real life sibling).

Sue - apparently was starting to emerge during late teens may have been a split from 'Teen S' (also known as Yuna, though technically 'Yuna' was Teen S + other teen fragments) or a split from Teen S + Jay.

Sue has memories that she had dreams of having kids/normal life etc in the past as she had been a 'social mask' alter and the result of the intensive 'learn to be normal' therapy. She apparently remembers we were told by our mum that we may not be able to have children because 'of our condition'. We had not been told we had autism during the period Sue was originally host.

'Sue' part only had memory that she had been told we had been 'very ill' in the first 7 yrs of life and thats why she had no memory of it. Sue has always believed the memory loss to be from having to take phenobarbitone for epilepsy (infantile convulsions) from 3-7yrs old.

At some point the system believed it was better the 'social host' was disconnected from the rest of us so they could 'be seen as normal' ...and 'Thea' was born with the in-built ability to compensate for selective mutism ie she was deaf so if she didn't speak NT's would assume she was born deaf and thats why we didnt speak (in those situations - ie high pressure public situtions etc having to ask for things in shops, using an interpreter to give presentations in college/university classes to speak our signed words for us). The hearings aids in but switched off (or with no/flat battery in) also gave us a way to control environmental sounds and cope with busier places to fulfil 'life expectations'.

At some point this all got too much..in the last year (of university) completely by accident we discovered 'Autism' and through a work experience placement at a special school discovered hearing autistic children who used sign language due to language processing issues and had selective mutism. 'Bobby' was 'found'... except they knew they couldn't come out it (life) was often way too busy...Kit was 'born'. Kit was a direct split off Bobby, older ..with some of Thea's skills. They would slip up front ... and effectively 'clear the way' ie create alone time for Bobby to come out to read about this. (Thea had to keep a detailed journal as it was part of her final year thesis..this was before the age of google!)

This somehow led to Thea struggling and the system disintegrating .... Kit and Bobby struggled to hold front and we ended up diagnosed with autism and in a specialist unit for 9 months.

Kit was front for a while focusing on getting us out of there but then a year or so after getting out into our own flat and having our own dog by then, another medical incident occured possibly brought on by the death of our father too (also from cancer) and with social media by then starting to exist and the continual demand to be 'socially available' Maddie was 'born'.


**Trigger Warning ..attempted suicide and medical emergency**


She was daily host for most of the time until the death of said dog (who she had seen as her assistance dog for 15 years) then becoming suicidal and tried to end the body's life during what we initially believed to be an 'allergic reaction'.

The only way to produce enough adrenaline to save the body was to push all known alters to the front simulataneously KIt managed to reach front and crawl to mincom (textphone) to call an ambulance and took aload of anti-histamine...buying us 'essential' time. we made a full physical recovery. (at that time..this was years before the stroke).


**TRIGGER OVER**


Because Maddie had split during this process suddenly there were more of us ..suddenly all aware of each other! Unfortunately by this time we were also mid 40's and entering peri-menopause unbeknown to us! I believe this explain the chaos that ensued! Kit started researching online and eventually found this board where she joined (2018 I think) to try and work out 'what was wrong with us'.


Lily

it sounds like you have made a lot of progress and discovery indeed!

I'm curious about your experience with signing vs speaking - I also am autistic and situationally mute. I use sign sometimes, but I'm not nearly fluent enough to operate with an interpreter, I mainly use text apps to communicate in those situations.

I have a few parts who are nonspeaking and it never occurred to me to try signing with them. did you experience switching between signing/speaking parts often, or was it longer periods of time with one dominant mode of communication? or am I assuming incorrectly that you speak at all? forgive my scattered questions, I'm just curious and always glad to talk with someone else who uses alternate communication!

vortexvoid wrote:it sounds like you have made a lot of progress and discovery indeed!

I'm curious about your experience with signing vs speaking - I also am autistic and situationally mute. I use sign sometimes, but I'm not nearly fluent enough to operate with an interpreter, I mainly use text apps to communicate in those situations.

Hi ...when we were 16 a change of medication resulted in us losing some hearing which made it even harder for us to manage in class. We got sent to a college for the deaf where sign was used so we learned to sign there as it was residential so we were surrounded by people signing. Teachers signed and spoke also, we got lip-reading lessons. We were only there a couple of years but it really improved our language and social skills in that time. As some were born deaf and didn't speak at all and weren't expected to, we think thats where Thea's 'Deaf identity' developed from.

vortexvoid wrote:I have a few parts who are nonspeaking and it never occurred to me to try signing with them. did you experience switching between signing/speaking parts often, or was it longer periods of time with one dominant mode of communication? or am I assuming incorrectly that you speak at all? forgive my scattered questions, I'm just curious and always glad to talk with someone else who uses alternate communication!

our alter Thea was triggered out by other native signers so when with deaf born people who didn't speak Thea would be triggered out who automatically did the same...she was also triggered in situations where the expectation to speak in front of others would occur eg uni classes and other public places. Jay could also sign but also spoke and usually came out when there was a mix of deaf/hearing. Sue could speak to specific people but only tended to come out when we were home with family. Teen S/Yuna was the same.

Bobby never spoke or even fronted when anyone else was present for years. They spoke only to the dog when its was them and dog alone. They prefer writing and use iPad with an AAC app but iPad's didnt exist until 2010. Before that we had a Lightwriter communication aid. Maddie had mixed ability depending who she was with (speech impaired hearing people, hearing non-signers (usually health professionals/members of public etc) or non-speaking/native signers)

Because we now live in an rural area with no other signers and no access to deaf community for years with the covid situation too, we have been using iPad to communicate with health professionals since the stroke....I say 'we'. I only emerged very recently ... I (lily) didn't use sign language the last time I was out. I don't have a 'deaf identity' but recognise we have hearing difficulties and Tinnitus.. we do apparently have a diagnosis of Sensori neural hearing loss as well as autism. I still see myself as hearing though I have hearing aids in to watch TV (though mostly cos they drown out the Tinnitus) and subtitles to follow it!

Are you only able to speak when home alone too or with close family?


Lily

Lots of autistic people need subtitles to follow properly on movies and shows. Something something sensory processing disorder, something dysphasia...

It's too bad you can't meet with other people who sign. Non-vocal communication is so soothing at times! When I spend some time at my lover's this year we would sometimes text each-other while sitting next to each-other just so we could rest our brains from vocally talking / listening to each other. So I totally understand the need to have non-vocal means of communication!

ArbreMonde wrote:Lots of autistic people need subtitles to follow properly on movies and shows. Something something sensory processing disorder, something dysphasia...

It's too bad you can't meet with other people who sign. Non-vocal communication is so soothing at times! When I spend some time at my lover's this year we would sometimes text each-other while sitting next to each-other just so we could rest our brains from vocally talking / listening to each other. So I totally understand the need to have non-vocal means of communication!

Auditory Neuropathy is a sensory processing condition where person also has Sensori neural hearing loss. There is one just called Sensory Processing Disorder that is usually applied to non-autistic hearing children who have SP issues without being autistic or deaf.

I- Lily , feel no connection to 'deaf people' as I don't see myself as a 'Deaf' person in the sense of being 'culturally deaf' or identify with sign language as being my language like Thea did. I guess its probably because when I was last out we were hearing and didn't know any sign language or deaf people and there's none in our life when I returned to the front again now?

I don't particuarly 'feel autistic' unless Bobby is blended with me then I find myself more aware of 'unpredictable sounds' in the environment and going out of my way to avoid setting off walking our dog if there's anyone about on the street outside etc.

Lily