A New Start (the way forwards)

By "balance point" I mean a stability point, a center of gravity. The averaged middle around which the system gravitates at any given point. It's not "an alter" per se (sometimes it can be but it's not an obligation) it's more like in geometry, when you calculate the center of gravity of a shape. It can be a bit abstract and whenever the system shifts, the center can change too.

Apparently the english technical geometry word is "centroid" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centroid

ArbreMonde wrote:By "balance point" I mean a stability point, a center of gravity. The averaged middle around which the system gravitates at any given point. It's not "an alter" per se (sometimes it can be but it's not an obligation) it's more like in geometry, when you calculate the center of gravity of a shape. It can be a bit abstract and whenever the system shifts, the center can change too.

Apparently the english technical geometry word is "centroid" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centroid

I never understood geometry! I guess working out which one of us would be considered the centre maybe easier to understand? The purpose of all 'alters' in our system is to protect who we all saw as 'the original child'. (ie 'Bobby' - the most disabled in terms of ability to cope with demands of the outside world).

However Bobby has 'grown up' and though they still don't have the social desires/skills other alters have, Little Susie is now the youngest and most vulnerable as she has remained at 6 years old. Does this mean our 'balance point' has changed?


Yuna

ok so we are in agreement who 'Lily' is now it seems to be like a codeword to present as the external world is expecting, I think this is in response to the threat of another assessment.

Our last one was done many years ago and it was a social workers perception (who filled in the forms for us) of 'Maddie' who was the host at the time. A whole lot has happened since then!! The social worker that did all that for us has since retired and of course as far as we're concerned ..'Maddie' isn't here anymore. Obviously we can't just say 'sorry Maddie died' as the physical body is still here and no-one knows we're a system! I personally wasn't out at the time so often have no idea what people are talking about when they refer to a time when it was actually 'Maddie' they were talking to!

As we have all kind of bonded a lot the last few years and don't really want a new one in the mix especially considering how little we get out to need another host for social/official stuff .... 'Lily' or HL - Host (of external) life will be basically 'an acting role' we play between us..... an updated version of 'Maddie' to take us into the future where it is needed such as for official paperworks or external people that have always only seen us face-to-face and known us as only by 'legal name'.

It will just be the same as when we go out for a few hours to the brothers and temporarily fully blend ..the resulting blend temporarily creating the external host 'HL' codename 'Lily' as others see us.

The system has voted that myself and Kate are the best to do this due to the speed we can switch and blend to varying degrees, which we practise during meditation.

I have come to realise now why I felt us two were like 'conjoined twins'. I think I just couldn't think of any other way to explain it.. with us two in particular it is not clear where one of us starts and the other ends. Sometimes there seems to be no edge of my body touching the edge of Kates (like 2 seperate people standing side by side) we seem to just merge into one (like conjoined twins with 2 bodies fused).

If we switched with Kit or Bobby for example they would appear to be a definite switch, when we switch with each other it can be instant without any external person realising anything has happened. we can switch control of who is controlling the arms multiple times whilst playing a video game without any announcement of "I'll do this bit" or 'you press this while I push this' etc ... there seems to be a telepathy there that we instantly know the others intentions.

The only difference maybe Kit may join us for an official appointment as she was out the most (secretly) when Maddie was host so knows Maddie's specific mannerisms and Kit's naturally higher hypervigilence will keep us focused to not slip into a more relaxed mode.

We're still not sure if this will be needed this time, as we still haven't received a letter but everyone agree's at some point in the future it's bound to come up again, as they are apparently transferring everyone from older benefits to the newer ones...though it seems by 'transferring' they dont mean a straight swap....they just inform you your benefit will not exist in 3 months and invite you to apply for the new one instead! if you haven't applied and got awarded the newer one within that 3 months your money stops! ...so at some point we will have to go through all this stress again! ..For this month at least the money went in!

We know from some other mental health boards where cost of living and benefits etc are reguarly discussed, these situations often cause non-multiple people much desperation as they can't 'switch off' from the situation they are in.

Although situations like this can cause an 'initial panic' for us. .... its at times like this we are really glad we have this 'ability' to completely disconnect and switch to another alter who maybe doesn't have the same understanding even for a couple of hours (eg letting the littles out to play who are only interested in playing on games or visiting the ducks or colouring) the stressed alter can be taken to the Inner world to disconnect from it all and another can replace them who can calmly formulate a plan to share with us.

Anyway best go get dressed and find something for Mr Woof to do, its teaming down here so we can't do walkies just yet.

Yuna

Actually there is a 'Lily' .. and I'm a little hurt that nobody in the system wants 'a new one!'

I have been watching in the background for a while now but have been unable to break out to 'front'...I did notice sometimes I could get close enough to the front that 'Yuna' was getting headaches but couldn't get past that point!

**Not sure if I need some kind of warning here but just in case ..mentions being sick briefly**

This morning the unexpected happened I found myself at the front in the middle of their exercise session and immediately started feeling sick ....suddenly it was more me than them and I find myself rushing to the bathroom and only just making it to throw up!

Not sure what they'd eaten and who exercises right after they've eaten!!!

**Warning over**

So anyway Hi I'm Lily. ...I don't agree with a lot of the diagnosis the others think they have! ...but I've been watching long enough to know we come on here regularly!

I used to go by the name Sophie cos when we went to secondary school a new girl called Sophie took us under her wing and was kind to us and I wanted to be like her.. I was the one who was left to 'endure the bullying of high school daily for the first 3 years'. I still feel like a teen who doesn't really trust other people unless I know they're 'kinder than most'. I like Kit's style of dressing in black but I'm not quite so paranoid!

so when I was last out we had none of these diagnosis that we seem to have now! I admit I felt a little 'sound-sensitive' and shy but I don't think we were autistic in the traditional sense..at least I have no memory of being 'stereotypically autistic' in early childhood...but then I seem to have been born at age 11!


No idea if I'll make it back again or how long I'll be here but I just wanted some record of my existence!

Anyway I gotta get back to the bathroom..I'm still feeling a little queasy..I don't know if its cos the others are trying to get back out to the front or just something they ate before I found myself here!




Lily

Hello Lily,

We are sorry that your system has no desire to have more alters. It is not like that is a choice that they can make. I know that our system sometimes jokes about 'oh no, not another one' when a new alter joins the system. Right now, there are 41 of us. However, the number alters a system has is the number they often need. (In our case, we need a lot of caregivers/protectors to take care of our various selfs.)

We do hope that now that you have a record of yourself here, that the others will accept that you exist and will proceed to allow you to front a little more often.

Best wishes,
Octavia

ViTheta wrote:Hello Lily,

We are sorry that your system has no desire to have more alters. It is not like that is a choice that they can make. I know that our system sometimes jokes about 'oh no, not another one' when a new alter joins the system. Right now, there are 41 of us. However, the number alters a system has is the number they often need. (In our case, we need a lot of caregivers/protectors to take care of our various selfs.)

We do hope that now that you have a record of yourself here, that the others will accept that you exist and will proceed to allow you to front a little more often.

Best wishes,
Octavia

Hi Octavia

I'm still out here but have Bobby and Little Susie here too ..come to say hello, They remember me!! (as 'Sophie').. I can't get over Bobo I used to think they were an invisible friend that talked to me in pictures and thoughts! ..but I'm so happy they're real! They said the older one's may not remember me but Bobby has sent a message to the others.

I can stay out front for the weekend if I want with them so they can show me round, Bobby blended with me to stop me disappearing cos they can control staying out till they want better and we've been for a ride on the scooter.

Little Susie wants to say something

I'm really really happy we found Sophie again!! ..but now she wants to be called Lily so I have to remember to call her Lily and not Sophie! I told her not to worry cos we will help her and now Bobby is grown up so they can make sure Lily can come out with us. We're going to take her to the swings and the ducks!

Susie


Bobby is laughing at how excited Susie is to find me but I'm glad someone is happy to see me! Bobby has updated me about the health problems and why some older ones might not remember from the time I was about at all.

Lily

Yuna here...when I said those things I had no idea there was actually another in the background that had been trying to reach the front!! I didn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings!!

Anyway things went well with them all having fun on the games consoles and making plans to visit the park ...until bedtime! ...when Lily suddenly realised she wouldn't be returning to 'her bedroom' as it was back then and not only that but she hadn't got chance to say goodbye to her mum and dad or brother as she had known them back then before she 'gone to sleep for years'. The realisation of everything then suddenly seemed to 'hit her' all at once!

So Bobby took her back inside to the 70's replica house within a holodeck...'Kenny & Kate' were waiting for her and Phoenix (who had been playing 4yo lil' bro to LS on the farm) was allowed to age up to the age lil bro would have been when Lily was originally the host (between 11-14yo .. so seems she is 'our missing host' for the years 11-13 ..just before Jay)

LS returned to the farm where she lives with Jody and Sue...(LS already understands about Phoenix and was happy to let Lily 'borrow' lil bro to help her adjust and understand).

Jess is helping me at the front as Kate will remain with Lily to help her re-adjust and she (lily) doesn't want Bobby to leave her side either!

For now Lily doesn't want to meet us 'older ones' ie the hosts that came after her. I think because she relaises we are going to hold memories of our mother getting cancer and her funeral etc...so she must have originally gone dormant before the first time our mum got dx with breast cancer.

..of course although Bobby did age up, she still see's Bobby as 'her friend Bobo' who she'd spend hours talking to her in her bedroom, she seems to feel safer with them close by... and to make her feel safer Bobby has returned to a 10 yo inside body (temporarily...as they explain things to her and introduce her to the others Bobby will gradually age up again with Lily hopefully doing the same)

Both Bobby and Susie are acting as if they have a real responsibility towards Lily (or Sophie as they knew her) which has really surprised us! ..as neither has ever done this with anyone else! (except each other)

I'm not sure they'll make it back to the front this weekend though, she may not want to leave 'her old life' on the inside for a while now. There's a lot for her to process and catch up on...everything in her world as she knew it ..has changed. ..and I do still remember how that feels!

For now myself and Sue are not allowed to blend or share those memories with her until she is ready. She'll be told about us but we have to wait until she 'asks' to meet us, so if she does come out with Bobby for a few hours I will return inside for a couple of hours. Jess doesn't carry those trauma memories relating to our mum so she could stay near the front to watch over them if they want a couple of hours out to play or visit the ducks.

That's all for now... best catch up on some housework and Mr Woof needs a good long run after several days of rain!

Yuna

We are glad, Yuna, that you are getting used to Lilly's presence. Hopefully things will work out for the best.

Take care,
Octavia.

Hi This is Lily again

Bobby wanted to come out cos its their routine apparently to come out at weekend and go visit a specific place with the dog to watch the sun come up and today had the better conditions for a colourful sunrise so I came out with them.

It was fun like an adventure and it reminded me of the ones I used to write when I was at the front when our body was a kid too.

I remember having a proper little typewriter in a case so I could write about my feelings easier cos I had a bad stammer and other kids used to make fun of me. But sometimes I'd make up stories or I thought 'I' was making them up but now I know it was Bobby's way of communicating with me.

I'd type out what I thought were my ideas about a little girl (me) who didn't like having to wear girly things they wanted 'boys clothes,, a boys bike and a boys name! ...and they had a magical pet Phoenix that could transform itself into anything they needed. Sometimes Phoenix would turn into a child and be the child's secret friend 'Bobo'!!

Bobby was basically getting me to act and dress like they wanted to be able to!

I would whisper to them cos when I whispered I didn't stammer I don't know why. Bobby taught me how to talk to them in thoughts so we could talk to each other when other people were there.

I'm not cross with them or anything we were all young and it was the only way we knew how to communicate with each other without understanding what we had. ..and these are my thoughts I'm typing now and not just Bobby's!

I still feel about 12 when we go inside to play I'm 12 ..but when we look in a mirror the face looking back at us isn't 'me'.

I can work the arms cos I knew how to type and Bobby tells me how to use the laptop ... like how to log in etc. It feels harder to walk in this body though..Bobby takes over when we have to stand up and move. We're going to try a fun exercise game or something so I can practise.

Last time Yuna had left us logged in after writing a post then going to rest and I'd been in the background watching her. She didn't know I was there..I was trying to say 'I'm Lily ...can you hear me.?.can you type my name'. and do what Bobby used to do with me when I was on the Typewriter but she thought it was Kate wanting to change their name to Lily! I don't feel connected to the older hosts who came 'after me'.

oh I met 'Kate and Kenny' - I understand about 'inside mummy and daddy' and Phoenix playing lil bro for Susie. I haven't met our RL brother as he is now cos he's still alive in the real world..he's away this weekend with his gf. I want to see 'our house' now but we can't get up the stairs to see our old bedroom and it's not the same now cos he re-decorated and it's just a spare room/store room now. Bobby says that's why we have one on the inside exactly as we remember it to visit or live in.

I think I prefer the inside world at the minute but they wanted me to write about how I felt in this journal.

Bobby says its long enough now and wants me to try the exercise game to learn to work the body better!

Bye for now

Lily

This may well be my last post as 'Yuna' as we are undergoing another reshuffle ...

Kit says the system is complete (of one's that existed in the past anyway..I guess new ones could still get formed from future traumatic events? )...we now have the hosts for every time period that made it to the state as a seperate individual alter that had been able to host and stayed around for longer than a handful of events.

Smaller fragments still live inside in the inner world as animals/pets, this maybe representive of the fact they may have been parts that only carried one or two single memories or only did one function in the past but didn't have/never developed the same level of counsciousness or language. Some are Tulpa's created by our brain..particuarly the 'past family members and pets' created by our littles (we now believe).

It seems Little Susie, Bobby and Lily were the creaters of most of what the rest of us see as 'our inner world' Apparently Jay and I were originally disconnected from the Inner World due to the expectation that it was no longer approriate for our age (to be seen 'talking to yourself' or 'pretend' others) and to protect the others from the outside world...as were other social hosts after us..(Sue, Thea, Maddie)

We are now only a couple of months off reaching the official menopause status it seems important that the 'final host' ...though not necessarily a 'final (complete) fusion' is ready.

We haven't decided on the new host name yet but Yuna no longer fits as Kathy will be blending with Kit so we have a guardian/protector who remains seperate .... They will either use the name Kit or Kitty I think, it depends who ends up as the dominant personality I guess ..after the final integration is complete?

I don't know if 'this me' will be the one still at front with control of the body with others integrated within me (like Jay did) or whether I will be integrated (with someone else in control) or returned inside for a 'caretaker role'??? At this point I have no idea!

But just in case its the last time 'I' ever get to the front I'd like to say Thank you to everyone who has helped or advised us particuarly right after the stroke.

Yuna