A New Start (the way forwards)

TL here ... over our 'holiday' inside...the part previously known as 'Jay' fully integrated within 'this me - adult Bobby' to give me more stability.

The part you know as 'Kit' still remains seperate (when we're 'inside') in a protector role but blends with me to come forwards as TL when we need to front.

TS is taking a short break to rest as the pain and Tinnitus levels were getting too much (they both tend to increase when temps hit zero and below) ... we have an higher pain tolerance. We seem to cope with the cold better too.

LS came out briefly yesterday to play on Zelda with us... and she wanted to post on here (seperate posts) ...we did easy side quests and just riding about on her favourite horse with her. TS has been doing Art with her.

We'll do physio first to warm up, its still minus temps outside so frost has frozen to roads/pavements making it really slippy out there. Not sure if we'll really get a lot of snow like some parts of the country but we may get a short blizzard. The temps are more the problem staying under zero if it freezes as it hits the ground so even though there's not much it gets dangerously slippy everywhere.

TS made us Ash (stew but in a tomato soup base instead of gravy) to add (store bought frozen) dumplings to later for dinner. We just need to throw them all in the slow cooker to reheat/cook through.


TL

**TW - mentions death **

We've had news that an extended (external) family member has passed..we weren't close to them or anything haven't seen most of extended family since our fathers funeral back in early 2000's!

But it has got several of us thinking about the future..what would happen if that was our only sibling?.. would all this integration of been for nothing if we're just to fall apart again unable to cope knowing the last member of our external support was gone?

I (Kit) highly doubt any of TS could cope or continue to function which would leave me to deal with everything... 'Bobby' is stronger these days as an adult and with Jay integrated within them so they could possibly be a stronger ally to help us get through it. We are the two that has the most chance of surviving totally alone with only our dog..though we would need the dog to still be here to have the motivation to continue. For us it would also be the fact we had promised our dog a home for life and his life is as (if not more to us) important than most humans who from past experience repeatedly let us down.

TS would, especially due to the re-attachment to sibling since the stroke would be unable to cope with dealing with the loss ...so if they alone were the only one's left if everyone else 'fused' I believe they would end this bodies life too whereas myself and Bobby would still feel we had to honour the promise made to our dog until the end of his life. (or any other dog/cat we had taken in if it was much further in the future).

Anyway hopefully this would not happen for many years but its funny how news like this can get you thinking about it, even if you had no relationship to the person you found out had passed.

I believe there's a 'bare minimum' of us needed to cover 'future emergencies' and losing too many will risk causing everything to come back apart in crisis, whereas if we feel we planned for stuff and decided who needed to stay seperate and remain functioning as a smaller system, we may still be able to get through any future crisis as a smaller system.

TL

We are deciding whether to further split ..as we feel maybe the best host would be a combination of TS and TL however neither wants to integrate incase they aren't the prominant personality that gets executive control of the body...and TS contains 'littles' who aren't ready to just grow up overnight anyway.

so if TS members (minus the littles) split off and integrated with a split of (blended) TL to create a new host that would carry the entire life memories but be another seperate alter for the purpose of dealing with life's demands and being the 'I' behind the legal name? (whilst Teen S, Sue, Bobby, Jay & Kit remain seperate inside)

The new alter would kind of be Host S+L so we as individuals could still come forwards and have control of the body eg if wanted to play on switch for a couple of hours then go back inside. Everyone becomes that name temporarily though when they come to the front

Similar in a way to how we functioned in the past but the difference being we all know about each other now and communication would be much better between us but all us remaining ones what feel seperate anyway and want to remain that way gets to stay seperate with both an inside and outside life.

Essentially we are all splits off the first alters when they reached a point they could not cope with the outside life ie Kit from Bobby. Only Sue (from Teen S) has now re-integrated back to become the main host of Team Sammy with Teen S (who she was a split from)..They may decide to stay as one if they prefer or seperate once we've got a split with their joint memories.

Jess is a blend of a split off both Kate (human alter) and Inca (changeling) splitting and those splits blending to become 'Jess' - but hers is an inside role as she is part changeling and still carries the ability to take a non-human form if she wishes to.

I guess we're talking about a deliberate split off from blended past human versions of self but without a specific trauma causing that split, just doing it for a practical future reason?


TL

TS here

I (Sue) have re-split from Teen S after Little Susie was having a crisis yesterday so I can be the one thats there for LS. Kate is a little hurt but understands, Teen S was the one with the strongest bond with her because of their time together stuck out front (they have returned to being 15 yo 'Yuna & Juno' and be more 'big sisters' to LS) They will still remain part of 'Team Sammy' and help with running the inner sanctuary farm, but if we do blend to front together it will be a temporary blend. LS understands the Team name and that she is part of 'Team Sammy'


'Team Levi' is still Bobby (with Jay integrated within them) & Kit remaining seperate as a Protector. Bobby is also working as a protector. They both work on maintaining the inner world when they aren't doing a shift out front to give us a break.

LS understands having Jay integrated within Bobby makes them better able to function in the world as an host and to protect our inside world, and its still 'her Bobby' but grown up...LS didn't really have a bond with Jay as they were inside for so long asleep and none of us knew they were even there. ..and can understand how its much better for Bobby to not return to a non-verbal more autistic 10yr old that can't make sense of the world.

Anyway I have to go I'm getting told to hurry up cos LS wants Bobby to help her choose a new cosy game today..Its me (Sue), LS and Bobby out for the rest of the day today (though we all - both teams - went to the nature park and had breakfast together earlier) but we 2 promised LS we'd spend a full day together with her as she was so upset yesterday about us two in particular disappearing/growing up..we didn't stop to think or relaise she saw it as us 2 (who she feels most bonded to) 'leaving her forever'


Sue

I'm not sure about Kit's idea of another split off !!!...creating another new one of a blend of TS and TL???

I think we have enough of us and we ones left as what you would call 'fully developed selves/alters' who all feel like a family now can all just learn to work together better if some that didn't do much did a bit more instead of leaving one doing lots to point of exhaustion we would work alot more seamlessly without needing either to 'create another' or integrate more to give one more strength and/or energy.

Now I've seperated from Teen S (who has now gone back to calling herself 'Yuna' so the initials TS are not confused with us meaning 'Team Sammy') I'm back at the front. I have LS at the front with me learning about how Time passes differently in the outside world compared with deep inside and what we do when we all blend together to front.

Maybe we should have done this with her years ago??? ... but we really thought she was happy in her own little world inside and had no interest in the outside world other than occasionally coming out to play or visit the ducks/swings. But I guess until we came on here she had no idea that other people existed in the outside world, who also had 'littles 'and their littles had different lives to her (maybe were out front more and talked with littles from other systems etc).

So I think we don't need any more new alters joining the system we just need to help LS understand more so she will naturally evolve into a fuller personality and maybe become part of the fronting team as an older adult.

We know she can age slide (not all of us can, though some have aged up since fronting more over the recent years) so we could encourage her to 'try out' coming out at different ages maybe blended with another the same age first to give her confidence. Maybe knowing she can always return to 6 and go back inside if she doesn't like the experience will give her the confidence to try it?

She seems to feel most bonded to myself (Sue) and Bobby so we're working together with her this week so see how things go.

Anyway first lesson of the day...Mr Woof needs walkies!

TS

well surprise visitor this morning...an health visitor turned up on our doorstep.

Anyway I let her in to take our blood sample and blood pressure and explained again our difficulties with getting to the surgery and communication (using a voice phone) and that the in-house pharmacist last year (before xmas) had assured us she had sorted that that our medication would come every 28 days and once again ..one lot got delivered then nothing else and that we'd had to buy it off the internet to get through xmas and the new year.

I suggested I'd considered looking into 'on-line doctors' that would just send our medication through the post, hopefully she will take this message back to them and they will get their act together at their end, before the medication that Kit got us from abroad runs out!

Anyway she's calling back Monday cos we've got to give a wee sample and we'd just been in the bathroom when the doorbell rang. so hopefully she will have some news that she mentioned it to them or they will message us directly or just send us our tablets we're supposed to be able to receive free for life! (our body has never been able to make its own thyroxine so cos we were born with thyroid not working, we're supposed to get thyroxine automatically free for life and T4 (levothyroxine) is a prescription-only medication here)....so it's just an endlessly frustrating issue that keeps cropping up as we can't live without it.

TS

I got a little more sleep last night. I'm having a relaxing day to myself, though Jess is about in the background so I don't feel lonely, but she brings feelings of calm. we meditated together and blended. Had a nice peaceful walk out with Mr Woof and did scrambled eggs for breakfast ...Mr Woof likes a bit of scrambled egg for his sunday morning breakfast too!

Kit agreed to go back deep inside to allow me to de-stress today otherwise if they come back and do BP again tomorrow and we've been stressed the entire weekend with her out front it's going to end up even higher.

We're just planning an easy day... we'll play with Mr Woof again later outside, but have chucked some washing in and hoping to do a bit more of a watercolour painting later.

I looked through old photo's again yesterday, sometimes we do this if we aren't sure who we are to see if we can identify who we feel we are at that moment. I feel I am the S an old school friend used to call 'Sue' before 'Thea' took over.

I like to use our old name or 'original/birth name' as it was legally changed (by the one we refer to as 'Thea' on here so is technically no longer 'our legal name' and hasn't been for many decades now)

It feels a safe name as no-one in our current life calls us by this name or knows it was our birth name originally (other than our sibling but still he has called us by the other (new legal) name other 30yrs now so has probably forgotten and partly because it was quite a common/popular name for women of our age and we often find within groups there are many a similar age with the same name so I could be anyone!

At school/college there would often be 3-5 of us with the same name in a class (before we changed our name) ..whereas the other name is ..was .. often more remembered as 'unusual for a girl' Bobby chose it originally (its not 'Bobby' btw).

I actually looked this up and though we did get a legal document and get everything in the 'new name' from college onwards (qualifications, bank accounts etc) we still have our original birth certificate and its the only thing left carrying the original birth name.

It seems you don't actually have to do all that to decide to change your name and can call yourself anything...obviously if you want it recognised on paper legally you need some kind of legally recognised document such as a deed poll, letter from a solicitor to say from that point on you intend to be known as [new name] .. in the name of your choice...but there seems nothing to say you can't return to using your original birth name if you changed your mind again when you were older????

so I could in fact add our original name back in as either an extra name/to replace another name with same initial so initals still the same! ...or hypenate it to the currently used name, so if anyone asks I could say eg 'some people just call us x for short, others calls us y for short but its all one name'

I've been thinking about it alot since the news of death of a family member and feeling I would want our original birth name or the nickname our parents called us by on our death certificate if something should happen to us.

Kit however doesn't like neighbours etc knowing 'our business' so prefers that they know us by one name and have different identity online..which these days is where most of our interactions take place! and that we have a right to 'a private identity' to discuss medical and other issues that we would not want nosy neighbours spreading gossip about in the community. No-one in our real life knows us by any of the names we have used on here for different 'alters'. I guess this could be the reason that 'identity confusion' is often a big issue for us???


Sue

**TW for people with 'Medical Trauma' Issues**

We're still struggling with medical issues and it seems our back pain may not just be Sciatica but Kidney problems.

I didn't know kidney problems could make your lower limbs swell, push blood pressure up, trigger strokes or cause sensori neural hearing loss and Tinnitus (not enough fluid in inner ear or something if body is really dehydrated and Kidney function struggling). tbh I didn't even know where our kidneys were, what they did or how that relates to our thyroid....

Kit has all the medical knowledge as anything medical that could result in hospitalisation and sudden/complete change of routine due to a medical emergency is considered a 'trauma memory' by our system.

As it seems its possible that different alters can have different blood pressure readings I'm going to see if Yuna can front for a bit and take some readings to see if she gets lower numbers than Kit or I get (at specific times)

Her and Juno are still the only ones that not only seem to have more connection to the body when they're fronting (despite believing they have much younger 'inner bodies') but can also share control to a much finer/precise degree between them than any of us.

They also know how to do Transcendental Meditation properly.. I tried the other day but my BP numbers didn't change!

For now anyone who is likely to keep it high or make it spike is staying deep inside or gone into voluntary stasis until we can get it stable again. Everyone is terrified of anything that means hospital or being more closely monitored in case someone notices us switch and decides we need to be 'locked up' for mental health issues.

Once we've re-stabilised the body and 'the threat is over', they will return. I may disappear too temporarily if Yuna gets better BP readings or can control it by meditation before readings. I'm not sure what she's waiting for but we haven't switched yet...hopefully soon though so we can get working on this asap!

Sue

Stress can cause BP spikes and different alters can have different stress baselines so yeah, different alters can have different BP. But you can also have medical, not-stress-related BP issues so it's always a good idea to check that. Also, transcendantal meditation is not the only relaxation tool that helps lower BP: breathing exercises, pilates, yoga, grounding... are many tools that can help reduce stress and lower BP do not hesitate to check many of them and see what works for what alter

Switching will NOT make you be forcibly hospitalized. Only if you are dangerous for yourself or others, can this eventually happen. And you really sound a thousand miles away from being dangerous so you are safe in this regard. (hope the metaphor was not lost in translation)

Kidney issues are no joke. The earlier you take care of it, the less hospital you will see. Good luck and I hope that whatever it is it'll be easy to treat!

ArbreMonde wrote:And you really sound a thousand miles away from being dangerous so you are safe in this regard. (hope the metaphor was not lost in translation)

lol Thanks.... I don't really believe we are dangerous though 'we' have been seen as 'unpredictable' in the past. Mostly when Bobby was still in child form and something triggered them to fly out in a rage or Kit was struggling with being triggered by the mood swings when peri first started in our forties...we seem to have better control over that issue now.

Yuna did come out and do a session I went inside to keep an eye on LS as I'm a bit squeamish (knowing B's attention to detail level as far as visualisualising things go!).

They do an hyper-visualisation technique with Bobby whereby Bobby first watched a video clip of how the kidneys work etc (you know the kind where send a tiny camera through the veins etc when they're showing internal surgery on TV)... Bobby can then 'replay' that in their mind whilst blended with Yuna giving Yuna the ability to see that level of detail too.

Bobby then visualises the changelings changing from human form as Yuna summons them to the front in their natural form (like specks of pure light) and directs them though the body to check there's no blockages and heal the kidneys with light.

It's an intense and trippy experience (for us anyway when those two are doing it!...no idea what its meant to be like for NT folk!) but I think its about the power of their combined belief in what they are doing too.

Anyway ...I wake up this morning to find a post it note stuck on the BP monitor from Yuna saying 'Will need a few more sessions 153 ----> 132' I checked with the device and got 130/86 so still in pre-high blood pressure zone but its lower than it was... ideally it needs to be under or at least closer to .. 120/80... I think ideal is between 90/60 and 120/80 according to most charts I've seen online.

I'll do some yoga today. For now Jess is seperate but in the background offering support incase blending triggers spikes. we thought it best for one consistent (calm) person to stay fronting during the day when BP is naturally higher. ..it seems there is a cycle to it naturally rising and lowering throughout the day.

We'll continue to monitor it at different times and let them try a couple more TM sessions and hopefully the average readings for times its highest or lowest will have dropped by the next time a nurse tests.

Thanks

Sue