A New Start (the way forwards)

I suddenly felt I knew a connection between the types of games alters came out to play and our emotions at the time!

eg Bobby suddenly became more obsessed with Link ..(we're not blond or male) since BOTW came out where its not only open world but you can choose Links outfits!.. They often played with no clothes on other than his 'shorts' (though in game people react as if you're wearing nothing unless at least wear a T-shirt with them!) so he can run round bare foot like a feral child...Link is mainly a non-speaking character even in video shots showing back story its mainly Zelda (or other characters) talking to him but he rarely speaks back.

In Skyrim they have a non-human character who spends more time sneaking round in stealth mode avoiding the main quests and contact with people, they never have an in-game partner in games where its a choice...(other than Zelda but in that role they are her protector..I think they see LS as 'Zelda' to their 'Link')... Link isnt' a 'butch male' either, more like a young boy (or 'tomboy') and with long hair and an ear ring from a distance he could be either. They often choose to play like this when we at front feel disconnected and feel 'less than human' like we have no right to be here.

When we have had more positive interactions...a rare visit from someone, someone acknowledging our existence in the outside world in some way or get to spend time with family, the more social ones are on switch playing more socially orientated games where the goal is to get to know the people in the game, find a partner, build a community etc. They tend to research who the 'romanceable characters' are then build their character as 'the other twin' playing like they have landed in a parallel universe and have to reunite with their 'soul family' who are in different bodies under different names in that world.

Some game files its clear to see they are trying to re-unite our family as it used to be, others are more about the 'twin relationship' or them and another alter they feel closest to. (eg Bobby choosing a solo protoganist whose horse or dog is always named after past pets) one game was chosen specifically because it was seen there was a sprite called 'Kit' in it!! (who acts as an helper/advisor).

Sometimes a specific game won't be played for ages then suddenly its being played constantly, but we never connected it to how we were feeling at the time before! This is a revelation for us and may hopefully help if we feel we aren't sure how we feel but can look at what games are being played at the time.

Levi

Feels like it's a bit of hyper-fixation what you're describing. Like, you play something that is relatable and that you enjoy. So when you're reminded of things by a situation, you suddenly find renewed interest in that situation, such as with the video games that are more socially orientated after you just went through a social experience.

It makes sense to me that a situation that usually catches the interest of one alter empowers these feelings and lead to hyper-fixating in that way.

Am I making sense? I honestly don't know. Basically, what you are saying sounds logic to me.
You're learning a lot of things about yourself recently. Seems like you're doing pretty well.

Hope things keep going that way for you!

~ Grey

**Advance warning this maybe major triggering**

We don't blame anyone who doesn't want to read it but why does xmas day have to be soooo stressful???? ...and triggering!!!....

We really try our best to be 'as normal as is possible' (for us to be) as far as the outside world is concerned..especially for the days the NT consider 'important' but even when all of us are actively working together it seems so hard these days!!! ..I don't know if we've just lost 'the ability to mask' in the menopause, or its the body's age or the effects of the stroke on top but even 4-5 hours feels utterly exhausting!!!

But if you factor in.....the fact we've actually been awake 5 hours before being picked up to make sure Mr Woof gets his walk,and the exercise he needs and time he needs for feeding, and play and the littles get time out to open their presents, time for us to get changed and 'switch and blend' to whoever is fronting for the afternoon. We'd usually be desperate for a lie down by the time we are being picked up and expected to be in 'social mask mode' for another 4-5 hours!

Bobby had agreed to blend in background cos they (family) were getting us Star Trek (TNG series) only to find it hadn't arrived ...announced last minute...and apparently not in our country so we don't even know whether it will work in our DVD player!.... (it had been ordered from our a site in our country so we had stupidly assssumed it was already in our country.!! .in the format it needed to be!) .....yet we had to continue with the 'we're ok we can do NT...we can cope with this...NT people would not be stressed by this last minute news'

Now we are home ..the satellite box seems stuck in record mode yet no one can remember what we set it to record! ..to know whether its actually recording something or just stuck in that mode from an early recording! (we're having endless problems with this box lately).

Strangely the best gift was one we were not expecting at all!!... they'd got us a soft toy version of a past dog we grew up with ...my bro has one at his home that we felt compelled to cuddle with whenever we visited and they bought us our own version!! ..probably only because the DVD collection never turned up on time! He (the dog) was around the era of 'Teen S' and 'Sue' fronting (and Bobby occasionally coming out..'when the coast was clear' ie nobody about to have cuddles with him)...this has brought a lot of emotions to the surface! ,....as they were all present in the blend for 'our afternoon out'.

It feels like such a contradiction... for some parts to be so happy to get a chance to go out but yet once we're out ...some counting down to the hours to been able to get home to 'just us' again!


Levi

Good evening,

Your feelings, that is, all of your feelings, are valid in this one. Christmas simply is... a lot.

On the one hand, it is stressful even for those with the luxury of a neurotypical brain. It involves a lot of planning, cooking, going outs or family gatherings, gathering presents, writing messages, and so on. It is exhausting to do all these things you usually do not do. If you value your alone time, it will be especially draining to have all that time spent with other people. Add then that you are busy masking, hiding the real you, it is frankly a major accomplishment to manage more than an hour!

On the other hand, it is entirely sensible for someone to be excited and energized during this time. After all, it is a time of peace and joy. There are lights, colours, and decorations everywhere brightening a usually rather grim and dark winter atmosphere. A lot of people are on holiday and get to relax from work or school. They may receive presents they have been waiting on for the longest of times. It is, as they say, the most wonderful time of the year. For these people, any possible exhaustion will only hit afterwards.

It seems you embody both these sides between all your parts. Now the tricky bit is to find the balance between all of these thoughts and feelings. That requires some good communicating between you all.

Either way, I do hope you have a jolly good time.

All best,

Kay

Thanks..we appreciate you taking the time to answer.

Feeling drained today and the pain levels in the 'bad leg' are high...Managed to get our dog out ..thankful for mobility aids today as our house is wide enough for us to move round in the wheelchair if we need to and we have the scooter for walking our dog, otherwise we probably wouldn't have made it out of bed today!

The suprising result of yesterday is TS, Sue and Bobby seem to have integrated into one! They've chosen 'Sammy' as their integrated name and after asking to cuddle the toy dog last night in bed as we went to sleep, they have disappeared inside.

I can't feel or see them individually right now but I can feel a renewed enthusiasm for an art project I had vague memories of us mentioning to family yesterday, though my energy levels don't match the levels of enthusiasm to get started right now! ..and the Tinnitus has spiked today probably from pain levels and the sugar/salt levels yesterday.... hopefully they will have both calmed down more by tomorrow!

LS still seems to be seperate...we have 'Beauty and the Beast (original Disney cartoon version) on for her while I rest with my leg up waiting for the painkillers to kick in!

Levi

Sending moral support. The holidays are super stressful. Happy for you that you managed to get something positive out of it!

ArbreMonde wrote:Sending moral support. The holidays are super stressful. Happy for you that you managed to get something positive out of it!

Thank you!.... no idea how long this integration (of 'Sammy') will last, but our system seems determined to find the right combinations however long it takes! For now they are still inside..I'm having a complete rest day as due to really bad weather we won't get Mr Woof today either so ordered a 'complete rest' day (others will stay inside resting too to give both body and mind a complete rest).

I'm not sure what's on the cards for this year but we are hoping to get a new bed!..Bro promised to help us get one..some places won't take old one away or can't get a guaranteed delivery time for family to come and take old one apart and out of way etc..we've been putting it off for several years as its something we consider a 'huge upheaval task' but maybe the neck and back pain is due to the bed/mattress???

Anyway ...whilst Bro has offered we're leaving it to him to arrange and sort delivery and removal! ..we just have to tidy round in there and make sure its a simple job of ..out with old bed and in with the new one..then 'job over'! Fingers crossed this relieves some of the back/neck pain which in turn reduces some of the Tinnitus related to it ...that would be a great start to the new year for us! (hoping to have it sorted and done before end of January!)

Hope your 2024 is a good year too for you!

Levi

so.....yesterday evening was kinda productive in a strange kind of way!...we're convinced we actually have 'AUDITORY NEUROPATHY' (AN) - which is a language processing disorder that can also come with a sensori-neural loss (SNL). The SNL has been officially recognised although they have the thyroid issues down as the cause. ...which could well be the original cause given we were born with it.. but we do believe we had the 'sensory processing issues' (with language due to the Autism) before the actual 'hearing loss' occured (at around 16-17yr old).

Given that AN and APD (Auditory Processing Disorder - difference is people tend to have no hearing loss if its dx as that specifically tends to get assigned to hearing children with Autism or Sensory Processing Disorder only) tends to relate specifically to processing sounds and speech in situations were there is alot of background noise ...ie classroooms, social situations (pubs, shopping centres etc) ..

...for us all the places 'Thea' would have been the host, who appeared more profoundly deaf ...it now makes sense to ALL OF US and the others can now understand that she wasn't 'pretending to be more deaf' than we were, she just genuinely was always the one that was fronting in the situations most difficult for us to process sound and speech in, whereas the others only came out when home alone (usually specifically in the bedroom only ..it was 'our safe place') when it was quiet and if there was any sound they were controlling it (ie music on walkman) or if we would get out on walks with the dog alone where it was nice and quiet. (and the only noise maybe birds singing). ...of course we heard our 'internal voices' clearly to each other ..explaining perhaps why the insiders still saw themselves as 'hearing' and not understanding why 'Thea' was 'pretending to be so deaf'!!

So anyway ..incase Thea's fragment was conscious enough to understand ...we wrote her a letter (in private journal) and read it out to herself incase that part was still able to read or hear...stating that we now understood and we hoped she understood that at the time we had no understanding at all that we were possibly DID and all alters or why she had no knowledge of the insiders back then.

This morning we feel that fragment has disappeared or been re-integrated into the system...so tonight we 're going to do the same for 'Maddie'.. acknowledging that we didn't understand why she got stuck in the moment of an incorrect diagnosis and that it wasn't her fault...we are hoping that will have the same result and her fragment can also then be 'at peace' and feel accepted.

The other important thing is that they can somehow understand that..they were who we needed to be at that time but that is NOT who we are now...the diagnosis has changed, the body has changed, our world has changed etc. ..but they are NOT full alters (as they were a collection of parts that have long since been seperate) only fragments so we are not sure of their ability to understand or communicate back...we can only hope the action of writing to them and showing forgiveness gives them some kind of ...erm...closure???

Levi

Shorter note but I feel compelled to write them because I feel we are marking a major transistion in the system!

Have had a splitting headache all morning with all the internal processing going on but we have a new human alter..well. ..kinda... she is changeling and in past took animal form as an inside protector (Inca) but feels she can help us more in human form so has taken 'The Oath of Commitment' ... (a system rule.... changeling/spirit alters are not allowed to front in animal form..they have to agree to be 'temporarily locked in' to human form..if she changes her mind she will be allowed to return to her preferred form but remain inside).

Her (individual) chosen human name is Jess .. we won't be changing the host name (or legal name) and I will still be the one that does all the posts on here. She will be our first digital art project though, so she can show us how she see's her 'inner human body'.

Her role will be mainly background support for me in daily living/organisation etc to replace Kate who has returned inside to become LS's caretaker and Sue who also integrated within the 'Sammy mix' and returned inside.

Anyway have to get Mr Woof his daily exercise now the headache is easing off! ..before it goes dark and rainy again!!

Levi

Well its the first day of a new year!..we went out early with our dog hoping to start it with a lovely sunrise but it had been raining heavy so just went from dark to grey and cloudy and of course the bench we like to sit on was wet through!

The system has reshuffled and I don't really feel like the name Levi fits me as I don't feel I'm the one that chose that name, although I can identify with the current legal name which is different but which of course I can't use on here!

I do feel like I'm one that has been away for years but I do see the body as mine and can look back over the entire life. There are still gaps that I don't feel I relate to at all as the 'social mask host' of that time was so far removed from who I feel I am. More of the insiders life and desires feel closer to who I feel I am and the first part of life. That maybe because most of parts integrated with me are from that period too?

After the new integrations..there are now only 6 insiders and 3 of us at front. There's 'room' now for LS to blend with the 'Sammy integration' if she so wishes and be able to experiment with age sliding over a larger age gap...either to come out temporarily then return to 6 inside, or she may eventually choose to integrate with them on a permenant basis and come to the front as a future host. Anyway it feels like we've managed to 'clear some space' for LS to begin to grow beyond. Though we appreciate that may seem a really scary prospect for her ...which is why we're trying this 'Sammy blend' idea to encourage her to 'try it and see' for limited periods first.

I'm not sure what to do about my name issue...I feel I don't like signing it as 'it isn't really me' but other than 'legal name' I don't know what other name feels more like me!

Anyway speaking of 'clearing space' we have a bedroom to sort out today and get on with finding a more comfortable replacement!