A New Start (the way forwards)

I know that whenever we post something and by the end of it we realize that we would really like responses, either just to know that someone heard us, or to get support or advice, we try to write that so that people reading it know that, and will then maybe make an extra effort to write back.

But there are plenty of times we post and get no response. It isn't personal. Everyone has things going on in their lives and they might either not resonate with something they read, or not know what the right thing would be to say. The thread for littles to post difficult things is for all littles, not just older ones--it was started so that the main thread for littles could stay more playful and fun, and a chance to make friends.

Since the "difficult things" thread is really just for littles to write on, there are usually fewer responses on there, because littles don't necessarily have as much capability to emotionally support other littles verbally with those sorts of complicated issues, and I know our littles steer away from posts there that they find triggering.

This is not at all meant to say that you did anything wrong, since I know my responses have been taken by you that way in the past. This is just to point out a possible explanation.

We've been able to get support for struggling littles in the past by letting them post on our journey thread, and asking for support, and that way older alters from other systems can potentially respond.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:IThe thread for littles to post difficult things is for all littles, not just older ones--it was started so that the main thread for littles could stay more playful and fun, and a chance to make friends.

Thank you for answering.. For some reason I was thinking the littles board (called 'For the Littles') was for very young littles... under 10?... and the other was for 'littles' who saw themselves as bit older/mature (10-13) or who were teens. (13-19) who wanted to talk about 'more grown up stuff'.

I (Suki) don't remember taking anything 'the wrong way' but that sounds like it was Kit fronting! (I don't have full access to all Kit's memories ..no-one does as they're a 'trauma holder') She tends to intercept things first, decide whether they could be harmful to us and erase the bits (from our memories) of anything she considers ' a personal attack' or 'rejection'. .she retains (or used to) the memory of the full text/incident, others present don't. We've all struggled with memory issues since the stroke though.

ViTheta wrote: We don't want to hurt anyone because then we become upset.

Don't worry Violette, you personally (or any of your system) have not done anything to upset any of us. We should perhaps learn NOT TO POST when someone has turned up the 'paranoid dial' on the inside!! ..but it's not just happening with this board but also in relation to neighbours or anything etc

For example last night when took Mr Woof to toilet it was raining so we go out the front as there's a covered porch area..we noticed car wheels behind a bush and then spent about an hour trying to get back to sleep because someone inside was convinced we were being watched...because why would anyone be parked outside our house so late at night???

This morning when returning from Mr Woof's walk we noticed an extra car in the bottom of the neighbours drive...so it would be more reasonable that they had a visitor who had decided to stay overnight and moved the car later..or they had more than one visitor and one parked out front then left while one stayed and parked in the drive. We've asked Kit to go further back (inside) as their hypervigilence gets exhausting!

Sometimes I have moments of intense clarity between all the dissociation. Usually if the Tinnitus is unusually low for a change and just wearing the hearing aid eliminates it (temporarily) completely for a while.

I feel like I know who I am, can see there's one me and 'others' were past versions of me and that my spirit guardians are my own personal belief and stop me from feeling so alone. I still do believe in walk-in spirits though and just know that what I describe as 'Kate' as on here is not an alter.

Still looking at old photo's I look at them and think ...awwh thats LS, oh that's Bobby etc ..rather than 'that was me at x age' (except for specific photo's)

I can feel the fragments from the early years coming together (all who saw the original birth name as their name) but still I don't see 'Thea's era' or Maddie's era (mid 20's to mid 40's) as 'this me' although I know technically 'this body' lived that life during that time. I have some of Kit's memories I don't remember being in the unit at all but I remember the early life our last dog (after we had left and had our own flat)..in fact I remember her whole life which means I must have at least some of Maddie's memories integrated within me? ...but it's like a big holey blanket..I can peer through and see times enjoyed with our dog but then there's the bits you can't see through blacked out cos of the material in front of your eyes...if that makes any sense?

Sill I'm told that no-one can remember every moment of their entire life anyway but it does feel a bit like I went 'to sleep' shortly after my mum died ...someone else took over for years... left me a few memories then vanished and suddenly I'm back at the front in a very different life and era! It just feels odd there's a whole like 20 years of MY life I can't relate to AT ALL! It's very disorientating!

Yesterday morning felt strange I know it happened but it feels like it was part of a dream. Someone inside suddenly seemed to be having a full on panic attack, I remember being in the kitchen...tears absolutely streaming down my face, erratic breathing and feelings of intense panic but have no idea why or who it was!

There was no familiarity like when a known parts usually comes forwards and I know who it is/was and can ask them why they were upset. It happened after Suki had posted on here. I remember the beginning of the day ...walking the dog and writing the post (the period Suki was fronting) but the rest of the day was a blur.I think I vaguely remember watching some TV program later at night but we had fallen asleep watching it and woken up by doggy needing to be let out for a wee around midnight.

This morning feels quiet and calm and feels like no-one else is about and I'm not sure 'which me' I am. I feel I know what the birth name was and know what the legal name is now but I don't feel like identify with either. I feel like I'm performing an automatic routine of someone else...like I automatically knew we have a journal here like I automatically know what the dog has for breakfast It's a weird feeling.

Kit here....things are just not going to plan this week! Teen S was struggling holding the front with Kate & SG more tightly integrated within her. I think she found it really difficult not being able to feel Kate as separate to her.

I've temporarily relieved them of duty and they've been allowed to re-split to go inside to recuperate individually. They can only see the negative right now and the panic with the scooter unexpectedly breaking down in public this morning hasn't helped matters!

We now have repair for that to cope with this week as well as the gas service engineer! That's providing the company didn't go out of business during the pandemic don't think we've had them here since the first lockdown when it needed new batteries and motor!

I've just got to email them to describe the electrical fault, hopefully they will get the email first thing tomorrow and the date they can come doesn't class with the boiler service! ..stressful week ahead! I'm not good with dealing with people face to face but Jay has been summoned to come out and help and maybe Sioux just during the appointment times.

I'm not against blending, we work well together in a temporary blend for a couple of hours but I like my own space and the ability to go back inside for a break, it's what we're all used to and how we've always worked even back when we had no idea, we just never realised we'd switched before but have more control over it with better communication between us.

But Teen S kept insisting her and Kate wanted to be 'one' and do a 'proper fusion' I just don't think she considered how much different it maybe some 20 plus years on with a whole multitude of conditions to cope with!

**TW Mention of suicidal thoughts**

We are in a group for Tinnitus too just to see what things people have tried and what might work (before we realised ours maybe arthritis related, to inner ear bones) and most people there are 'singletons' ..the amount of people who come in there saying the Tinnitus is driving them to point of suicidal thoughts happens frequently.

The only times we have felt that close to being at that point has ALWAYS been when one host has been up front all the time for an extended period (past hosts who didn't know of the system and felt alone or depressed) or during a particularly intense period with high levels of physical pain and Tinnitus.

I (Kit) really do believe our system is our strength here. I'm not saying DID is a great thing to have. I am after all one of our systems 'trauma holders'..I KNOW (in more detail than I'd like to remember) why we are this way.... However its because we can switch to relieve each other that it makes our other conditions more manageable to live with... Just as it protected the others from the trauma memories so at least a few of us could function in the past ....now for the same reasons we (individually) only have the pain/ tinnitus for a couple of hours then the rest of the day we were pain free doing whatever we wanted (inner world) then thats much easier to deal with mentally then believing you've spent an entire day/night/week in agony with no break and no sleep and no support. We have the condition we may as well make it work for our current circumstances..which are highly unlikely to ever be 'cured' (even with a couple of guardian spirits on our side!)

I think we need to go back to (adults) taking turns to do shifts....good days people can come out and do their favourite things, on bad days it breaks up the amount of pain/tinnitus any one of us has to cope with in one go.

The littles will always be protected from the worst as much as we are able to...well mainly LS these days..Bobby is getting increasingly older and shares my ability to disconnect from the pain and tinnitus to a greater degree than the others.

We have a great advantage here that we can still individually completely switch out as well as temporarily blend to help each other....fusion removes that as an option if one person no longer feels the rest of us for support and has to stay present 24 hours a day to deal with everything. ..and how do we guarantee the one mentally the strongest is the one that ends up at the front with the others integrated within them??? ...to cope with this (life) for however long the body lives!

We have to at least keep going while our dog is still alive so he doesn't get left homeless in his old age having never known any other home. He may live another 5 years like our old girl did! ..or to 17 like our past family dogs did??

That was much longer than intended! Anyway best go do some scooter research incase can't get parts for this older model now and have to choose a new one!

Kit

Hope everything gets better and is ok. We can understand those times when it feels like the Universe is conspiring against you.

We understand the idea that the whole gives us more strength than being a single personality as we feel much the same. Without the others, we don't think we could be functional as we would have to mask anyway and it is kind of nice to be able to 'hand off' when one of us is tired of handling everything. Plus, with all the trauma, we kind of want to not fully remember.

Hope things are better with your scooter soon,
Be well,
Lilith

Morning Lillith...

Jay here (with Sioux too) we're helping Kit tidy round in case the repair guy turns up today as we'll need to invite him in when we have to pay ...(Kit doesn't want him reading our card numbers outside in the driveway for people to hear)

So quick tidy up of front room, and hoping they can come out today to fix that.

I've had a good time inside I have my own inner body and home in there now and feel like my personality is more developed, not just coming out to be a copy of a past host. I've been learning stuff from Sioux and Jody.

TS (Teen S) and Kate have gone inside for a break, SG is still about somewhere. Sioux will return inside either ...after the appointment if the repair guy turns up today or when they text us (if its not until tomorrow) as LS needs her on the inside.

I have to redo our signature but haven't decided what to write yet, anyway have to carry on with the tidying until we get the text to know whether the guy is coming today or another day, may get chance to come back later and do it, if they can't get here until tomorrow or later!

Jay

Just a quick note today before I forget what I wanted to say..... Teen S has admitted she has found since always been at the front she is getting more trauma memories of the school bullying between ages 11-16 and other kinds of 'unwelcome attention from boys' as she was 'developing'.
She realises now a boy she thought at the time was 'helping her' to be seen as more normal was in fact 'taking advantage' of her naivety at the time. I won't go into more detail ...you all get what I mean on here!

I've told her she can come and front the BBQ if she wants to get an afternoon out with Kate. She feels they may do that, she knows how important contact with our sibling is to Kate but then doesn't know if she wants to continue fronting all the time from next week again. We (Kit and I) have told her she can still take a break from that but come out just for the BBQ if she wants, as we have no idea how long it would be before they would get chance again.

Jay

We've decided to re-learn how to draw!

We could in the past but lost some fine motor skills after the stroke but they have been improving with the video game therapy we've been doing since. Our reactions have been getting better on the 'harder games' that have some combat so decided to try re-learning how to draw as several have expressed an interest in anime characters online and looking for one online that that they felt looked like their 'inside body', often they can't find one that's exact enough and then say 'I wish we could draw like that' so I thought why don't we try and learn!

Bobby was the sketcher previously and though they never showed any interest in drawing people in the past only animals I asked if they could maybe blend with me temporarily for a couple of sessions to see if we could have a go at doing a drawing for Kate as we only have black and white photo's for the ages she identifies with. SG also has a newer image in her mind of her inside body to what it was in her previous life but nothing online (stock photo's etc) matches it!

It can be our 'winter project' for the long dark cold nights here!...it won't be too much longer before its not light until 9am and dark again by 4pm here!

Anyway Mr Woof is demanding attention as the washing machine has finished!..(he knows its his job to help us empty it)

Jay