A New Start (the way forwards)

We got opportunity to go for dinner at bro's house yesterday evening...so me and Kathy went.

The usual stuff but during a conversation about cooking I asked where he learnt to cook and he said he watched our mum...I felt Kathy inside feeling happy .... I think she always worried he would grow up not remembering her..he doesn't show his feelings, there's no photo's of us all around the house and he was quite a bit younger than me.

But also the couple of years leading up to her second diagnosis I was away at residential college so of course he got more of her attention and he remembers learning from her.

This has made Kathy feel so happy that he remembered the special moments they had together just them two (in her 'last life' ..as she see's him as her son) and a nice hug at the end of night too completed the evening for her. She likes his current girlfriend too...quiet and softly spoken as she was...complete opposite of his last one. (Teens S &LS particularly liked the last one, they weren't triggered to the front to attend last night). I felt like 'this now adult me' all night though I could feel Kathy blended with me no-one else was triggered or switched or came into the background.

We both still remember the entire night this morning.

oh..and Kathy wants to change her name to the one we knew her as not her childhood nickname used before she met our dad and had us...so we'll now call her Kate. ..she now refers to 'Juno' as Kathy (her younger self)..She asked me if I feel <original birth name> yet inside...I do feel a stronger connection to my brother and the memories of the 'past mes' inside....did something happen overnight? ..an integration? I'm not sure

Jay

I realise that I (Jay) and Kit both have had quite severe episodes of Dissociative Amnesia that we couldn't explain.I think Kit had looked it up before but seems to have got confused between Dissociative Fugue and because she got told she couldn't have that cos it meant you went away to another place with no memory she also ruled out DA thinking it meant the same.

I managed to find the bit I'd seen before that had mentioned fugue but directly in relation to DID...I think this maybe the bit that Kit had come across first and got the two terms mixed up

"Sometimes, an alter might experience dissociative fugue and suddenly find themself in a different location with no explanation of how they got there. This could be as simple as "coming to" in another room or as drastic as learning they have somehow traveled to another state while unaware. The individual might suddenly "wake up" in the middle or end of a conversation or activity. There might be periods of their life that they can’t recall. Their entire childhood might be blank, or they might suddenly realize that they cannot remember anything before they left their house at age 18"

Quoted from https://did-research.org/did/identity_a ... /time_loss

If you look up 'Dissociative Fugue' most definitions often mention

Sudden and unplanned travel away from home. This is often the focus and stories in the press usually consist of someone who suddenly 'left their life' and may have been found in another state with a different name or lost/in hospital because they can't remember who they are.

so of course if you 'wake up' in your own home but last time you fronted you had lived somewhere else this is equally confusing but not counted as DF cos you weren't found miles away with no idea who you are! We knew what legal name we answered to it's just the previous time we had been out ..it maybe..wasn't this house, weren't in a wheelchair or on crutches etc... there's someone who calls themself a friend who didn't yet exist (in your life) the last time you were out etc

Also for us..... even if they did 'slip out' they would do so when we were alone and for a short time eg Bobby slipping out to snuggle with the dog while watching Star Trek in bed ...so they weren't fronting in the daytime when the host was busy at college/work anyway so 'it didn't count' as pretending to be someone else cos ..there was no-one else about to witness it!..(except the dog) and was only for a short time..Host would eventually 'wake up' again thinking they'd fallen asleep in front of the TV!

so 'our life' is starting to make more sense as an whole as it gets easier to piece things together. Even though I (as current day host) only took over full time more recently and still have chunks still missing I know who was out during that period and roughly what they were doing (ie at uni) I know we have a degree though I can't remember any of the work or the people in my class or student flat.

I feel I understand 'Maddie' and her condition better too Now we feel their physical issues (Thea too) was Conversion Disorder and probably more severe because we didn't understand there were others but had the pressure of fitting in with society as the ones who were front hosts constantly for many years without a break when the life was busiest. Probably why those two had the complete breakdowns after about 10-15 years each?

Overall the system seems happier now we seem to have things figured out better and have more control over our life and better communication between us.

Jay

Jay

Didn't realise I'd put my name twice..lol!

I feel like our system has achieved its goal! just from the mood of the 'insiders' (they've voted and decided they don't like the term 'alters' any more).

I feel more than just a Host today I feel like I'm looking back on 'my life' and I can just look inside and see my past me's but it's my body and my life to move forwards with.

The others seem to feel more settled and happy that someone is up front who can identify with the body at its current age (as all the others are much younger and want to stay that age on the inside forever) and will create a life for us that will also give the insiders that want to 'occasionally visit' time to do that and not fill the life with so many (external) demands that it gets overwhelming again.

Overall they see now the menopause as a good thing because it allows us to move on from being seen as 'Maddie' combined with the much needed break from social expectations that we got from the pandemic and the stroke...it gives us chance to 'start a new life' without having to move anywhere to do it!

Of course in the outside world I answer to the legal name (& shortened nickname) we are known by, which I don't mind as I can see who I want to be as that persona moving forwards now.

Kate (previously known as Kathy on here) has been helping me with that... we blend to form a 'professional self' when needed and that takes the pressure off any one 'insider' to only come out to maintain a fake social mask for official appointments.

No-one has to 'pretend to be Maddie' anymore and everyone inside seems happy and relieved that we've managed to figure out a solution between us! It has made us feel closer and more like a 'team' and 'family' than 'a bunch of alters forced to share the same body' - which I think is how some felt when they first started to re-emerge and discover it wasn't just them + host!

So in the outside world its just me and Kate (though obviously no-one else see's her as seperate) she doesn't care but is happy our bro seems to be able to see 'his mum' in 'his sister' as we are getting older, so she feels he can kind of see her and I let her be in the front more when we're with him so she can say the things she wants and feel close to him.

Our external image moving forwards will be a blend of how she would like to be if she had still been here at my age and how I would with 'our favourite things' becoming 'my hobbies and interests' (for the purpose of the outside world seeing only 'me'). We're planning to do more arty and crafty things and leave the video games for when the littles want to visit (apart from the yoga/exercise games we will still do weekly as 'our physio').

The blending meditation sessions we did with Yuna & Juno seem to have really helped us connect and work together as one.

Anyway things are finally 'feeling good' after 5 years of absolute chaos! There's a contentment that wasn't there before! ...coming from the inside!

Jay

Congratulations on the progress! Keep up the good work!

ArbreMonde wrote:Congratulations on the progress! Keep up the good work!

Thanks! We have jointly decided not to pursue an official diagnosis, the insiders wish to remain covert and inside now everyone understands what happened and a new 'legal face host' has been appointed! (ie ..me!) I am happy to be the 'new 'legal face host' for this age/decade/era out front with Kate for company.

As I only remember returning to my pod after switching in the past I don't have as strong a connection or need for the 'Inner world' and getting lost in fantasy as the others do...Yes its fun in there! ...but I feel I can get the same 'escapism' from watching some programs or playing some (video) games and from the feeling that Kate is out here with me experiencing everything at the same time. We're currently enjoying doing a photo project together.

Inside Kit has created an inner version of this house, the swings and the local nature parks for the little's to take 'Tinks' to visit, although they may still come out front to visit (Tinks will remain inside) for some things such as the new Zelda game..They can't recreate it on the inside until they have actually been out and played on it seen the map etc....Kate & I will switch with Kit & Bobby then to take a brief 'virtual vacation' while they get the information they want from the game to recreate it inside, then we'll be back.

The littles seem happier now and Phoenix had communicated (just before her rebirth) that she was relieved to not be facing so much responsibility for a while.. not sure what the future holds there?...she may choose to remain in that form if that's how she felt if she thinks taking human form again in future means 'increased responsibility' again.

Bobby is showing an interest in ageing up but only to work on the maintenance of the inner world to keep it alive for the others and other than visiting us to play TOTK (when it comes out next month) so they can recreate it inside, they no longer seem interested in 'living out here' or being 'the external host'.

Little Susie seems undecided.... she will age-slide briefly so she could ride a bike or run faster to keep up with Bobby and Tinks when they visit exploration programs in the Holodeck but still prefers to be 6 or 8 years old. She says she thinks she'd like her job to be looking after the baby animals on the (internal ..'sanctuary') farm, but sometimes changes her mind and creates another job! Y & J still prefer age 15, and still identify as 'The Twins', they've asked to be able to visit and work with me and Kate sometimes.

Jay

** TW mentions Death, Grieving **

Replying to another post today made me realise... my mum never gave up on 'me'..she promised she wouldn't and she never did. I realise now why her memory is so important to us all and why the younger ones are so obsessed with preserving her memory and why our system has created an alter in her image. She was the only one who truly knew 'the real us' and when she died we lost that, because by then we were of an age where we were expected to understand, to grow up, to fit in, to mask like our life depended on it!


It wasn't her fault she got cancer twice (she didn't even smoke or drink) she even put herself through more grueling chemo to give herself the extra months so I could finish college unaware and her dying wouldn't affect my exam results. I wasn't told until after Id finished the course. She was proud of 'me' when she passed. 'We' felt loved ..all the insiders.

I don't feel my dad was.. proud..that is..anymore ..he may once have been... Our stepmother told us how proud he was that we had got to university when doctors had not originally known if we would ever even speak or 'be normal'.

They (doctors) basically had us written off at 2 yr old! ..as an incurable possibly brain damaged child who could go from 'passive vegetable' to 'screaming banshee' within seconds! Apparently there was no evidence I understood anything in their 'professional opinion'!

Thank goodness my parents fought for another opinion! (rare to go against a qualified doctor back then) and someone thought to test my thyroid! My mother believed in me she had 'seen it in my eyes' Not sure what 'it' was ..a 'spark'? a look? an alter?..a brief moment of recognition of something? ...who knows! Doctors thought she was just a deluded mother!

The last and most hurtful memory we have of our dad before he died (of cancer)..a year after we had left the autism unit was still the fact that he had told us we had 'no rights' (because we had ended up in that unit openly showing our autism after all the work they had put into us!). When Kit found us a flat to move into and told him to meet us there he made her stand in the corner and shut up while he 'sorted out our mess' ie the situation..talked to housing woman and basically took the credit for 'finishing the deal' and getting us back out of there! (the unit). He never understood why we' wanted to go in there'..we have no memory of how we ended up in there!

When we visited him in hospital the last time he couldn't even look at me..laid facing the other way where our stepmother was sat. 'I' didn't get anything when he died (inheritance as the eldest)..my bro got the house and my stepmother got any savings he had.

After others mentioned it didn't see fair...she gave my uncle (dads youngest brother) some money to take me to a PC fair and buy me a new laptop! ..We didn't feel anything, we didn't grieve ...our brother was devastated (by his death but they were closer) like I was when our mother died. Kit was out at the time..Kit felt nothing....Maddie later felt or said whatever was 'normal to feel in those circumstances'...when his name was mentioned by relatives after she had taken over fronting.

The younger ones who functioned when our mum was still alive remember happier times with him...fond camping memories and stuff but life changed forever ..He changed ....we all changed after she died.

Kit inherited his temper which she hates and does try very hard to keep under wraps...I think that's why she has chosen to return to the inside now we have someone who can cope with being host full time again. The raging hormones that are peri-menopause has made it increasingly harder for her to keep it under control.

She was only ever meant to be out a short time to cover until Maddie felt better and returned but she never did! (Maddie never recovered from our last dogs death and the knowledge that the person she had seen as her best friend didn't feel the same and had excluded her from the most important days of her life).

Anyway best get on we're running late!...washing needs hanging out, Doggy walking etc

Jay

We have another little on the inside it seems to be a new playmate for LS because Bobby wanted to grow up to work on Inner world maintenance with Kit.

Apparently LS expressed a wish that our brother had been the same age so there wasn't as big of an age gap.. she wants them to be 6 together so one of the changelings have taken the physical form of our brother at 6 and his name to be her playmate.He'll be restricted to the Inner world like Tinks as our real brother is still alive in the outside world.

Another 3 dogs have been added to the farm too! I'm not sure whether they are changelings or trauma fragments. Everyone still seems happy in there anyway...Sioux and Jody are still their carers. Bobby has apparently left the farm and is working with Kit (as an adult). They wish to focus on the new version of Hyrule so will be coming out in a couple of weeks to when we get the game to see the new layout. Kit's booked a shift swap for the entire weekend from date of release.

I like this new 'us' where people are scheduling and agreeing to swaps and not just coming out when they feel like it, regardless of whether its inconvenient to whoever is trying to take care of life 'outside'. The system feels more stable and Kate and I get a little holiday to look forward to on the inside. (as 'real world' holidays are just not possible these days). Kit's made us an Inca Trail/Machu Picchu (Holodeck) program after we saw it on a TV about Peru and decided we'd like to visit (virtually!).

Jay

We made it out to the nature reserve this morning..its a bank holiday here so we got up early and headed out...bit grey and wet (from overnight rain) so no colourful sunrises this morning.

Bobby (as an adult) blended with Kit for driving the scooter as Kit is better 'off-road driver' and taking the photo' with the 'big camera' - the one that quite technical with telephoto lens etc. We take the phone too so some can use the phone camera as its easier and quicker for close shots. (got a great one of Mr Woof too!)

Little Susie blended with Yuna before coming forwards and blending with me and Juno blended with Kate...so 3 co-con with others blended with them. Been a while since we've attempted this especially with Bobby now in adult form. Everyone behaved!

It was a really nice morning out, we got some great photo's of the wildlife and baby geese...got a fantastic long distance shot of a coot on a nest with her partner bringing her food for her baby under her wing and the geese swimming along on the lake with their babies.

Anyway the sun is finally coming out and Mr Woof's wanting to play out now he's had breakfast...need to uncover his outdoor ball pool tent and let it dry out in the sun.

Jay

Well our photo project went well. It was for our brothers birthday ..so all the insiders that felt a connection to our brother have been working together on selecting old photo's getting them edited to put in a framed montage so he has photo's of him with our parents and us.

Everyone feels happy and i felt like I could feel them all inside last night when we went for a meal to give it to him, but it didn't feel like lots of seperate teen identities inside it just felt like me remembering childhood memories. The parts and alters specific to that particular time frame all seem to want to integrate. Maybe that's why those are my strongest memories and I feel more connected to them.

I realise I don't feel connected to Bobby because they represent a time none of us can remember and Kit came later too it seems. ...late 20's onwards...(they acquired their 'teen memories' from Bobby who never came out when anyone else was about when we were older) The system seems to want to keep them separate, it seems them remaining separate from 'us' (the social fronts) is vital to the systems operation!

LS has also chosen to remain inside with Sioux and Jody, they don't want to integrate with the main 'fronting team'. I still don't feel any connection to the life Thea and Maddie had when they were the social masks, other than having the memories of our dogs from those periods and some of family time.

Everybody seems to be where they want to be right now.

I forgot to say...as it's only me now doing the online journals..I'm not going to keep putting my name on the bottom ..I've just added it to the signature part that automatically gets added.

It seems like even when I think the others are deep inside they can know what I've typed or felt, but 'I' don't feel their presence at the time?

Since I wrote I didn't feel connected to the part we call 'Bobby' on here that part has been coming through stronger. I don"t know if its because the Zelda game is due in a couple of days and we got the email yesterday to say our order was being processed but there was a definite surge of excitement from inside and Bobby's presence has been stronger since (and after reading some other people had received their physical copies already).

Now I'm feeling pressure to get the prescription issue sorted before the game arrives so they can come out and have no external demands (other than caring for doggy) to get stuck into their new game.

PLUS We have worked out some more stuff from the headcount

* Little Susie was definitely Bobby's child host from 6-8yrs old

* We haven't found one single external host for 8-12 but many of the 'Inner world animals' seem to be single memories or emotions from that time period so its possible a different host was created daily to cope with school and the expected development rate to remain in mainstream education?

* Phoenix may have also been an active host or Inner helper to assist Bobby in that period given that in human form they did appear at 12yo for most of the bodies life which was probably the last age we could have mistaken for either a boy or a girl before puberty arrived, (given that Phoenix has always preferred a gender neutral image and has always considered them self a 'changeling')

* Myself (Jay), Sioux and Teen S (with the fragments that joined with her to create 'Yuna') were all hosts during the 13-19yrs old period.

* Jody appears to have been created later after the death of our real life best friend 'Jodie' - ..so our 'Jody' could possibly be a Tulpa accidentally created many years before we knew what Tulpa's were.

* I'm not completely sure whether Kate/Juno are Tulpa....Teen S believes she's our mum's reincarnated spirit that entered our body to help us...Kate/Juno believes that also. (Kate believing Juno is 'her younger self')

*Every external host has had a 'changeling' and has a different belief about who/what they are depending on the age of the body/host at the time they've ranged from invisible friends, characters from favourite TV/films to guardian spirits and reincarnations. My guess would be that 'Kate' started as a changeling (possibly a split from Teen S when our mum died) or a Tulpa created in her image.


Given the success we have had with video games as a 'therapy tool' for our insiders that wouldn't come out in front of 'real-life others' ...Kit & Bobby have come up with the perfect game for them to identify with to help them 'visualise the process of being set free'. (which surprisingly is NOT a Zelda game!)