A New Start (the way forwards)

I am beginning to think we possibly have OSDD rather than DID just from descriptions I've read.

Most of our main 'full' alters can age-slide and I believe thats because they are actually made up of more than one part that closely identify with each other as being the same person.

I think we may have got this from here ..I can't remember who originally wrote the page (in our private journal) it was copied and pasted into ..no source was given..though I know none of us originally wrote it because its in quotations and italic...which means its a direct quote from somewhere else.


“We discovered that our agesliders were, in fact, alters made of very small "primary dissociation"-like parts, who shared the same sense of identity, except for the age and trauma related to the age


LS, Bobby, Yuna, & Juno can all age-slide.

Kit tends to stay one age (now though she has aged from the age she very first came out as she doesn't regularly switch between different ages) so does Sioux and Jody

I have memories from age 14 I (Jay) tend to be the same age as the body when I am fronting now.

Kathy was initially a bit younger - given that she was based on our mum who originally died at 47 (our body is 53) but has now 'aged up' to match me and we seem to function as sisters/besties that share the same body for companionship ...though we don't have the same skills as Yuna/Juno when it comes to simultaneous control of the body.

I'm not including the changelings here as being non-human they can technically be anything at any age!..this is just an observation of alters who identify as human. (Jody, Juno & Kathy have all taken the oath to remain in solid human form and are no longer able to transform so no longer seen as changeling/spirits).

From my viewpoint I see Yuna, Sioux and LS as younger versions of 'me'.. Although I know technically Kit & Bobby must also be, they both have very different personalities and behaviours and don't identify with me as 'a version of them'..though Kit see's Bobby as a younger version of them but LS as a child social mask alter for Bobby.

Kit see's all the one's I see as 'younger me's as 'social mask alters'..if Bobby is the original child (as the first born into the body and the most autistic then they must be 'the original adult' (in their mind). However they do recognise they have neither the social ability or desire to be 'in the front' full time and 'having to deal with people' (face-to-face in the outside world). Bobby is much the same they are both preferring working and living internally right now. Bobby will be trained up as an internal protector..LS may become a future 'social mask' host if she chooses to grow up (permanently).

Both Juno and Kathy are 'versions of mum' rather than 'versions of me' Jody seems to have been created in memory of a dear friend who passed away.

I'm still unsure how to explain the changelings that have decided to stay as animals ..whether they were past child EP parts originally or just a product of Bobby's and LS' childhood imagination! ..I guess obviously we're all splits from either Bobby or Susie originally..which is why we can all see them but no-one outside our system can!

Our memory issues don't quite fit one description as they've changed over the years..we originally switched one at a time and there was no awareness of others (as in having a system) for many years..I guess some younger selves may have considered them 'imaginary friends). I suspect Bobby and LS have always been able to see the rest of us but most external hosts never knew of their presence.
There's more awareness and less amnesia between parts now...levels of amnesia seem to define which type it is?

Despite our differences we have all at some point answered to the legal name..seen the body and life as ours when we were first out fronting (unaware of the others) which fits OSDD? but which type we're not sure because the memory issues don't fit? ..the diagnostic criteria doesn't seem to account for evolution of the system over the years going from not aware at all to being able to function co-con?

Jay

Jay,

The differences between DID and OSDD can be hard to spot; however, we've been diagnosed with DID and each of us who have been host have answered to the legal name largely to stay hidden. We still have amnesia issues (something that I've started to actually be far more aware of), and we all have our own identities. Really, you would probably need a therapist to pin down the differences between the two.

Okay, buried in what you said is something that I can glean and give you an example from our own system. Pippa is very much like a younger version of me (Violette). We're pretty similar in personality. Marceline and Leila are kind of similar too. However, Pippa and Marceline are different from each other as are me and Leila. This can actually include sensory issues. Bri finds it difficult to touch raw wood where as I do not. It's possible to have younger versions of one's self in a system without it being OSDD.

Logically, we know that the others in a system are 'versions of a singular self'; however, just because so many of your alters are similar as opposed to radically different just happened. Not all DID systems have wildly different personailities. I suspect that this may be due to the differences between neurotypical people with DID and neurodivergent people with DID. Remember that ND people mask heavily, and this is a form of dissociation to begin with. We already have to dissociate in order to survive and hide our ND-ness. When we mask, we don't forget who the person behind the mask is, so it is logical that those of us who have DID and are ND just get used to answering to the legal name even if it doesn't fit. I've talked to our T a few times about how some of the others in my system started out as masks who just developed their own personalities over time.

I hope this helps.
Vi

Hi Vi

Thanks for answering..yes a lot of us started simply as daily masks to get through school. Probably why Kit refers to us as 'social mask' alters I don't think she means it in a bad way but is simply describing us by our original roles.

Bobby has the most sensory issues of us and Kit the most of the adults. They both identify as autistic but all 'mask' alters suppressed any issues they had in public and never told anyone we had autism.

I'm not sure why some of us went on to develop into alters while others remained as fragments or disappeared. Maybe the 'animal changelings' inside are the missing parts/masks?

Jay

When we started comparing notes, we noticed that some of us were out a lot more than we realized, so those alters developed more. Thing is, we're all autistic and when we're out, we can hyperfocus and have to adjust ourselves given the different sensory issues. In fact, if one of you have any neurodivergent 'disorder' then you all have it. If one of you has ADHD, you all have ADHD.

It's sometimes hard to tell why one alter develops fully and another doesn't. I don't think even psychologists fully know.

And you are most welcome,
Vi

of course I realise now that we are all on the spectrum to some degree its just the ones who played the role of 'mask' knew anything that made us stand out as different had to be suppressed otherwise we'd be tormented and bullied by other kids all day, even adults could be unkind.

They learned to mimic the kids who were considered 'normal' to fit in..at that age too we didn't actually have any understanding that we were autistic and because we switched so often with no awareness we often had no idea why a kid was making fun of us if it was something the previous alter had done that had drawn attention to us. So we'd just keep switching and creating new masks (unconsciously) until we found one others kids weren't so mean to.

We found the further we were from 'the true self' (ie Bobby's behaviours) the more other kids let us join in, so long before we understood what autism actually was, we had learnt to 'fake normal' ..it also meant the intensive therapy ended cos they thought they'd 'cured us'! ..How little they actually knew..outsmarted by an autistic kid!

Jay

* * POSSIBLE TRIGGERS...DEATH, REBIRTH, SPIRITUAL BELIEFS* *

(message from the inside..typed by Jay)

THE REBIRTH OF PHOENIX

"Phoenix has been showing remorse for her actions and begged not to be separated from the littles, they have never been apart for so long and Phoenix actually appears to dying inside. She wishes to be able to prove her loyalty to them by being reborn as a dog..as she knows the littles have wanted a puppy for ages and had always been disappointed that they had missed out on much of our last dog's life who was in her last years when they first started to front again.

We asked the littles what they wanted from Phoenix and explained the situation. They asked if she could be reborn as our last dog and to live on the (Sanctuary) Farm with them inside, so they can take care of her and they can still be together.

Everyone is required to be witness but obviously we can't leave no-one 'in the front' so we are sending Yuna & Juno to join with Jay & Kathy. We need Juno & Kathy to rejoin so Jay & Yuna can also witness it from the outside. (they are sent the image like watching a 'live screen event' which they can receive during meditation).

Phoenix will be reborn as 'Tinks' (a nickname Bobby and Susie have chosen for her) the puppy. She (will be a female dog as our last one was) will wear a special collar that will prevent her transforming or leaving the inner world, so we don't expect her to be causing any future disruption in the outside world.

It maybe possible for her to reborn in human form as a protector again in the future but not until the body has passed its 'disruptive hormonal phase' (ie the menopause! ) Time passes differently on the inside so she will probably spend the equivalent of one (real) dog's lifetime as 'Tinks' before the human body has passed this phase of life.

The event will take place at sunrise of Easter Sunday (Earth time)"


.. [JAY] ..Phew that ..'automatic typing' thing can get intense! Weirdly I can type faster and properly touch type when that happens! ..but only until the end of their message! ..why is that?

Best get on with tidying up if we're going to be having a long intense meditation session tomorrow!


Jay

well the meditation was amazing..we got to our special secret place for the sun coming up ..me, Kathy, Yuna & Juno at the front..everyone else was in the inner world witnessing the rebirth.

There's never anyone around at the time so it was safe to sit on the bench then just as the sun came up a lovely bright orange ..close our eyes to visualise the event.

After which we walked ..well rode.. the long way home via the lake for Mr Woof to get his daily exercise in! It's been a nice sunny day again though have rain forecast for the entire next week every day!

We watched Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader as it was on, it made us realise how important our inner world is to many of us..it's like our own personal Narnia. Yuna finds the ends very emotional when the characters (in the film) have to leave and don't know when they will be able to return. LS does too, although she wasn't out today she and Bobby stayed inside giving 'Tinks' lots of love and cuddles.

I think Kathy and I have realised the others will always need the Inner world so they're never going to want to fuse into one and be stuck outside in a body that gets alot of physical pain and tires easily.

They have decided however they are happy for us to be the permanent daily hosts and try to create whatever level of life we can manage and they will have their lives 'Inside' The others will still visit and if we really feel we need a break they will arrange for someone to come out for a longer period (weekend or a week) to give us a break from the pain, fatigue and Tinnitus.

We have noticed from posts on other disability forums for the more physical symptoms and where most if not all others are 'singletons' that they struggle alot more with being worn down and depressed and we think the reason we cope better with that is because we can switch ..there's a pain free inner world to go back into for a break..while someone else fronts ..who possibly has a higher pain tolerance! ..and who are happy to just play video games to distract them self from the pain or Tinnitus etc.

I think this is probably the way we will continue to function ..I don't know if this is what 'Functional Multiplicity' is?..we're just calling it 'working in harmony'...it's a new level of communication and understanding each others needs for us!

Jay

Things seem to have settled down again now.

Kit briefly visited the other night well early hours of morning..like 3am ish I think..as I awoke with severe neck pain and was struggling to lift my head off the pillow to get up and get painkillers I felt Kit slide in and tell me she'd deal with it..the next thing I remember it was nearly 9am and Mr Woof was waking me up cos he needed a wee.. The intense neck pain had gone by then and there was the long hot water bottle (in cover) under my neck so I guess Kit had brought that back to bed with her.

It just felt a bit tender along top of shoulders and at the back below right ear but that has also gone off now after using CBD balm on it the last couple of days.

I feel I've been reading alot about the differences between DID and OSDD lately and it seems to be a demand to know coming from the inside. I found myself copy and pasting the advantages and disadvantages of each into our private journal (on laptop not this one) and reading the same parts over and over.

This morning I feel I've been told I can stop researching now and get on with daily life..they know what they need to do!

I can feel Kathy now if she puts her presence into one of my hands it feels like we're holding hands and if we clasp tightly we can feel a heartbeat in the hands so feels like 2 heartbeats beating in sync. We haven't mastered both controlling one side of the body each (whilst separate but co-con..like Yuna & Juno can do) when moving such as walking round yet, but we can blend together completely so we feel like one but I still have control over the body...we usually do this when having to deal with outside people for any length of time (eg family visits). Strangely she can control the voice box while I control the rest of the body but operating one side of the body each seems to be unique to Yuna & Juno.

I don't know if its because Yuna was the one in the body during and immediately after the stroke when one side was feeling a bit more numb and weaker than the other? ..They have returned inside now too. Currently just me & Kathy...just tidying up today while we wait to see if the gales/rain calm down so we can get Mr Woof out

Jay

Kit and Jay,

I feel like what might be getting in the way with regards to DID and OSDD is logic. We're both autistic, and that means that everyone in the system is autistic. It's easy to logically see that everyone in a system is a reflection of a single person. We're all in the same head and this means we're all one person somewhere under everything. But the consciousness is not logical.

Our system understands that we're all, somehow, fragments of a single consciousness, but at the same time, we're all different people with different traumas and different trauma presentations. The seems to hold true for you all.

This is what we can figure out given our understanding of OSDD. If you're all separate and not really the same person, then you're DID.

Take care
Vi

ViTheta wrote:Kit and Jay,

I feel like what might be getting in the way with regards to DID and OSDD is logic. We're both autistic, and that means that everyone in the system is autistic. It's easy to logically see that everyone in a system is a reflection of a single person. We're all in the same head and this means we're all one person somewhere under everything. But the consciousness is not logical.

Our system understands that we're all, somehow, fragments of a single consciousness, but at the same time, we're all different people with different traumas and different trauma presentations. The seems to hold true for you all.

This is what we can figure out given our understanding of OSDD. If you're all separate and not really the same person, then you're DID.

Take care
Vi

Hi

Yes we are very logical..Kit particularly who did most of the research, but I think the thought was we wouldn't get diagnosed with it because we were 'not distressed by it'...I mean we didn't even know it existed until our 40's!

However Maddie was beginning to get distressed but because she thought she was developing dementia, and had no idea she was having peri symptoms too and didn't know DID existed or Kit! Her physical symptoms could have been 'somatoform' symptoms too, as a cause was never found at the time. Which may explain why Kit had more physical ability when she came out if the Somatoform symptoms only affected Maddie? If we had met a DID specialist at the point Maddie was struggling her last couple of years out we may possibly have got diagnosed with it. (if Kit or others had shown themselves too).

Kit did get symptoms of dissociative fugue when she first came out .People said it couldn't be that because fugue by definition means when the person disappears unaware of who they are and start a new life...but we recently saw 'fugue-like state' mentioned on a site about DID where an alter may come forward who does not remember the house they are in, any partners, kids etc This has happened to a couple of us, if they have not been out for a while and when they do come out life has been very different..eg 'waking up' to find ourselves in an autism unit ...years later we look back and have no idea how we ended up in there. Again it happened more often in our earlier years when we had hosts who were not connected to the inside and we didn't all know of each other.

As we are now we fit the OSDD symptoms as we now have better communication between alters on a daily basis, no longer in a highly triggering environment and have agreed switches. The one's who front all seem to be 'past versions of me' (with exception of Juno/Kathy ...who could be a Tulpa rather than alter we're not sure...created due to Teen S' intense desire to keep her promise to her mum - to never forget her).

The other fictives (Spock, changelings etc) I'm not sure whether they are a result of Bobby and Kit's intense imaginative skills (ie Maladaptive Daydreaming) or they are actual alters created by their brains...from their time as hosts to cope? ..and others can only see them too because as you say ...we're all in the same brain! I must admit I didn't know of these other worlds etc when I was originally out and disconnected from other insiders..only since I found myself awoken again and after blending with Bobby and/or Kit its allowed me to see/visit these places.

Jay