A New Start (the way forwards)

At the weekend I watched Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader and was surprised to find the ending really emotional then I realised 'Little Susie' was near the front.

I reassured her it was only a film but she revealed what it seems some of the system really believe.
Its the end part where Lucy (now a teen in this film) asks Aslan whether she and Edmund would be able to return ..and he tells they will be adults so unable to visit Narnia any more.

Suddenly I realise why a lot of us are under 18! ..most under 16...the one's that were adults and lived in the outside world as hosts post-teens ie Thea & Maddie couldn't see the inside...the insiders believed all these years it was because they were over the age of 18 when created as adult hosts ..so they could never visit Narnia (ie the Inner world/holodecks) and know the other alters existed!

Kit had to come back out after Maddie fell apart...Kit had been an insider many years and both her and Bobby hold the ability to see and create the inside with the most amazing vivid detail. Kit is a direct split from Bobby....most of the social hosts seem to have been a spit from 'Little Susie' because she didn't want to grow past a certain age..now I understand why! - She thinks if she 'grows up' to the age of the body she will never be able to visit or live in the inner world again and it seems she isn't the only one who thinks this.

The only 'elders' are changelings, but they are 'ageless' and of course live entirely inside because of they are non-humans, fictives or spirits!... and can re-incarnate themselves at any time! when (human) alters blend with them to front we can 'temporarily age' when needed to deal with outside life (so we act appropriately for the age of the body) but when they unblend from us we are still 'young of mind' to be able to return to the inside.

I'm not sure what this means...as long as at least one changeling is at the front and the 'host' can see them the inside can still be seen? Maybe their anxiety is due to the medication change? But we we were on a high dose throughout childhood and never lost the ability to 'see the inside'. ..of course some alter were designed to not be able to so they wouldn't reveal anything to the outside world when the social pressure changed to hide the others so we appeared 'normal' to outsiders. ..I guess though to keep 'the inside' alive then the ones most able to see it must be kept separate and not overwhelmed with outside world demands?

Busier day today had to be up and out early with Mr Woof had blood test and food shop this morning.

The Doctor has finally agreed to do a full bloods panel as well as T3 to check to see if there's anything else they could be missing. Maybe if it shows if vitamin levels or iron are very low or something too it might give me an idea which ones may further reduce the tinnitus? (if I took a supplement)

Only been on the higher dose a week and half and still have Tinnitus but maybe it would take longer even if it was thyroid-related? Do seem to be slowly recovering energy levels and have been feeling more confidence since reading of other autistic women's experience of menopause.

Everyone mentioned the inability to continue masking after menopause and social stuff being a huge struggle and even completely shutting down. It made me realise what these last 5 years were about and even though we have more than one 'social mask alter' in the system, they were all also finding things difficult. I guess the constant switching was to prevent us reaching the 'complete shutdown' stage again?

Since I had the moment of realisation that Bobby and Kit were basically the 'unmasked versions of me' at different ages.... I found myself wanting to play on Zelda (BOTW) but it didn't feel like 'Bobby coming out to play' as they did in the past and taking control .... I was still Jay-me...playing it . and I seemed to know where to go and what to do..even though in my mind it was still Bobby that played this game in the past not me...it was strange..I wondered if they have integrated with me? (I've had no specific message from Bobby to say they were going to try to or anything?..I don't feel them 'in the background' either).

I don't suppose it's all over yet but there seems to be more of a feeling of peace and understanding from within that there's other autistic people out there going through the same difficulties with this stage of life...hopefully this will help us cope with future emotional swings and other alters will be less reactive to them too and able to tell themselves its just the menopause, its going to pass in a minute'
I'm hoping we're over the worse bit now everyone seems to be getting onto 'the same page' with understanding what's happening and why.

Jay

I think we've come to realise that 'the great meltdown' as we call it (the complete dissolving of the last social mask - Maddie) was a result of a combination of many factors - the fact that we had no knowledge or awareness of things like symptoms of depression or the menopause transition and the impacts it would have on our autism and not to mention we knew absolutely nothing about Dissociation!

It feels like the system is coming back together but there is acceptance we won't be returning to our previous form. Our ability to cope with relationships seem to have been hit by multiple factors and even the most social alters are struggling. We think that's due to affects of menopause on autism after finding so many other autistic women mentioning struggling with continuing to mask at this time of life. .

It feels like there is another re-organisation taking place on the inside. Bobby and Kit understand the advantages of having all the social skills and 'normal behaviour' they felt forced into learning throughout life but still have little desire to 'be like everyone else' full time.

It seems no amount of re-training,masking or even having multiple alters to get you through life can banish the true autistic self. In the end all we learned was how to hide the parts society didn't find acceptable and use what we felt forced to learn to buy us freedom to be ourselves again in the end ie by achieving being able to live independently and getting enough 'alone time' for the others to be free again.

It's like we individually started at extreme opposite ends of a map and are all finally reaching the middle place of 'happy medium' but coming from our own directions. The system is trying to work out who would be the best at front if everyone blends into one because someone still has to be the official identity, 'the face that the outside world sees' ..who will see us only as one.

Jay

Autistic Burnout!

Last night I came across an excellent site, never seen it before..called 'Stimpunks' about autistic masking and stuff. one page focuses on autistic burnout.

https://stimpunks.org/burnout/

So much of this resonated with me, this journal entry would be the size of a book if I copied and pasted everything on it I felt I could relate to!

Suffice to say it explains A LOT! not of just what has been happening since peri symptoms began but incidents in life before that....menopause has just exaggerated symptoms to a severe degree again heightening all sensory issues triggering the most autistic self to the front. Then the brain is battling with all the information from what we were taught growing up, that the social masks should be at the front always so we always appeared 'normal'.

The brain fog and memory issues caused panic that we would forget very important memories such as the teen self's promise to our mum that we would never forget her, so our system turned her into an alter.

Yet it seems despite dissociation being more common in autism, there is something missing from the other people's accounts ....none of them mention 'alters'.... it is still them pretending to be neurotypical to get through a NT day!

There are very distinctly different versions of 'me' that are full personalities and not just 'social masks'...some have never even appeared in front of other real life people so how can they be 'just a social mask'.. if being alone is the trigger for them? ..and there are ones that are not 'a version of me' at all...this is not typically part of the autistic experience. Neither does anyone describe vast 'Inner worlds' that 'others' exist in. (not the same as being lost in your own world stimming).

Our conclusion is that this is DID and was triggered by the severity of the autism when very young and the intense hospitalisation and therapy to 'become normal'.

Younger alters of course not understanding this was DID and was neither an Autistic or NT trait, saw this ability to have their own world and create others as a gift/skill (like having their own personal Narnia) that helped them get through school.

But as many have said on that page the more 'normal' we appeared, the more we were expected to 'be more normal' ..the bar of expectation was constantly readjusted higher, so more alters were needed...it may explain why we have more teen alters than for any other age and more fragments from that era too...until 'Thea' somehow got created and then remained as a stable front for many years.

I'm guessing the experience last year of uni was autistic burnout and been unable to cope with the expectations I guess we knew were coming our way ...(marriage, kids, career etc). We now think 'Maddie' was subconsciously created because Kit was struggling with social expectations increasing again (once we had got out of the unit and into our own flat) and we didn't want the expectation to return to the previous level of ability. Our father had passed by then too so there was no longer any parental pressure!

It worked for a while until several life events combining caused another Burnout causing 'Maddie's demise', causing the others to re-surface and the chaos that ensued leading to our awareness of each other and leading us here!

so there we are..finally worked out why we are like we are! Now we are finding the social masks/alters too exhausting to maintain constantly which probably explains the crippling chronic fatigue. so now the system has a decision to make......

I think one of us did come in to try and talk about autistic burn out at one point, but with things being the way they are lately, that wasn't possible. We couldn't form the words properly.

I know one autistic person who may or may not have DID but switches the name she uses depending on what social mask is prominent. I've sometimes wondered if having PTSD is just a baked in part of being autistic.

We've talked with our T a few times about masking and how masks can be separate parts of an autistic person and how some of our alters just started out as masks. However, like you, some of us have never fronted or rarely fronted and are their own people.

I'm glad that you are finding the information that you need, Jay, and it is wonderful that you're all making progress.

Take care,
Vi

Thanks... we have just realised that when 'Thea' took over changing the name (late teens) represents when the system had managed to integrate itself and become that 'new identity'. (though not all of us knew about 'the others'...some did!)

Somehow everything changed when some recognised 'us' after a work experience in a deaf school with a unit for children for language disorders of which one kid was autistic. 'Bobby' saw themselves in this kid and began (I think) to reject Thea's 'deaf identity'. Kit started to emerge soon after. After which we seemingly started to became 'more autistic'. I think this was the beginning of the first burnout.

I think the system did try again (with 'Maddie') and it worked for a a while but again things began to unravel. Maybe now we all understand and know about each other a re-integration will work? ..or only work until the next major crisis? ..I'm not sure!

I've realised the reason neither a 'Thea' or a 'Maddie' could ever been found in the system is because it was just like a codename for a subgroup for the one's selected to front to deal with life.

I understand what 'Indigo' is now! It isn't an individual alter but a project codename..the system is deciding who will blend with who for the future integration, who will remain inside or separate (if they wish to) and who will be the dominant personality(s) after all the integrating is done..even down to which memories will be shared to the front, so 'the host' will move forwards for the next era with 'selected memories'.

I think when I've had feelings of not being sure who I was it was because another fragment has been integrated into 'the social mask team' Aka 'the front' with me to give me their knowledge.

Kit & Bobby will not integrate with anyone other than each other (& Phoenix) and have chosen to take 'inner world' roles, though have asked that they can have (body) control to come out and play BOTW2 when it comes out later this year...for now I still take care of social aspects of daily life and official appointments.

I'm not sure yet what 'Little Susie' has chosen..I don't think she's sure what she wants right now either. Yuna is undecided too and keeps flitting between different ages, so does Bobby.

Still struggling with 'executive skills' a bit, like getting organised and getting started on tasks but the brain fog is slowly reducing. Pain levels haven't been too bad lately but weather has gone milder, colder weather is forecast again for end of this month/beginning of next here and possibly snow so may get a temporary increase before spring kicks in!..but overall physical mobility has improved (on 'good days').

Tinnitus is up and down sometimes I get a good day with low volumes or for part of day then it suddenly spikes. Haven't worked out the trigger for the spikes yet and tried multiple vitamins and masking techniques.

Jay

Juno has been working her magic over the weekend and seems to have 'rounded up' more of the smaller fragments to join 'the front' They are now 'integrated' into 'current adult me'

My life still seems to have 2 definite halves ...first part as fully-hearing and while my mum was still alive and the second half ..after her passing when an whole new identity had formed and the legal name changed which I think unfortunately caused more confusion for the ones that re-surfaced many years later...and which has caused much of the resentment and issues.

Everyone seems to reached the point they understand we are not in that situation now and life is very different, slower paced and not so constantly overwhelming. The brain fog is clearing and slowly recovering more energy to have available each day.

It's a 'test trial..partial merge' ..to see if it makes things easier. we'll see how it goes!

Jay

Fingers crossed it helps a bit!

I think we're sorted for now! The fragment merge seems to have been successful..there were a lot of them as it seems this is how we functioned for the first 20 or so years until 'Thea' first formed.

So some of the fragment memory parts were parts that had originally formed to create Thea & Maddie it seems. I have some of them but there were so many that we've had to share them between myself, Kathy (previously SG), Yuna, Juno & Kit.

We felt it unfair to burden the littles with extra adult part memories and they are currently inside enjoying being able to experience their childhoods again on the holodecks without the pressures of school and bullying etc that were originally there in the real world the first time around!

The changelings are still inside with them..some taking the form of parents and friends, others as pets, favourite animals or wild animals running free in vast landscapes. The littles can still come out to visit the front to play on the switch if they want but they have a virtual Animal Crossing and Hyrule on the inside now too to play in.

Kit is overseeing all that and making sure they are safe inside but also acting as Gatekeeper to the front so she's living between the front and back so she can keep on eye on both easily. (so technically there's still 3 of us working the front area..Kit as Gatekeeper in background and myself and Kathy as co-hosts)

Yuna and Juno have chosen to stay at 15 and remain inside to create a life together, before they travelled deeper inside Juno shared her past memories of her life with us as our mother with SG then with select fragmented parts added (she carries memories of the love between myself and mum and my RL best friend Jodie from college also so there's an instant bond when we blend)..'Kathy' was created to be my co-host.

I think the system has learned from past mistakes of leaving one host isolated from the rest of the system outside or just switching without any relationship/knowledge between different alters. Hopefully the remaining life will run more smoothly on that front!

So Kathy and I are now officially the full time body hosts representing the 'I' that is [legal name} We can now change positions at the front to give one another a break or blend to become 'I' to act as [legal name] in the outside world. so we'll stick with this for now and hopefully it gets us through the rest of the menopause without any more drama's!

I'll update our signature too.

Jay