A New Start (the way forwards)

Jay here... It's going to be 'me' for a while now...Yuna has returned inside with the littles, we didn't get much time for the meditation techniques to have started working on the Tinnitus for her so it was bad at the weekend. We've just about recovered energy levels.

I've been learning all about internet shopping from KIt... wow...whole different experience! ....we're trying to sort out something that should have arrived by now for 'the littles',..and waiting for the ..erm ..shop person? ...to get back to us so I can go take a shower.

it feels strange to enjoy the simple things like the sensation of the water...as previously I'd find myself out front when we were already 'out' somewhere..already dressed for the day, destination already arrived at or pre-determined for the day (college,work etc).

Kit let me chose an outfit to buy (as my xmas gift from the others) although I'm happy to wear what ever's available as I've never known anything else but she insists I should feel comfortable in this house and see things as 'my things' too otherwise anyone who may visit in future may find it odd if I act as if I am 'living in someone else house and using their things' all the time...and the whole point of having 'one stable host' is to remain covert in the outside world!

Moreover, the sytem's life is YOUR life too so you get to enjoy it too!

I hope the shop person got back to you! I know the online shops have trouble mailing/shiping the products in time due to the energy crisis. Fingers crossed your things arrive soon!

ArbreMonde wrote:Moreover, the sytem's life is YOUR life too so you get to enjoy it too!

Yes, things are starting to come together more and parts of life feeling 'more connected' than they previously did. I guess it will take time but have all winter to practise!

ArbreMonde wrote:I hope the shop person got back to you! I know the online shops have trouble mailing/shiping the products in time due to the energy crisis. Fingers crossed your things arrive soon!

Yes, the release date had been put back. It was a switch game for LS ..as she loves the horse riding in the Zelda game but doesn't like the monsters, so we'd pre-ordered an open world horsey game with no monsters for her back in August! (for xmas)

It had been due to be released last week and we'd paid extra for next day delivery via courier (realising it would be coming out in the middle of the postal strikes here!) but it seems the release date has been delayed. They assured us we will still get it via courier as soon as they have it in stock!

Fingers crossed it will arrive soon!

Kit has typed out a summary of hosts and the decades of life they were out (in our private journal) and says I can copy and paste it here to show the evolution of our system to help me with organising the life memories I now have access to. Comments in this colour are my added notes....Black is Kit's original notes ...it's a long one! but we feel very important one and one of the 'final pieces' in place. -J


Birth - 10 years: Child Hosts Bobby and Little Susie, Phoenix and the changelings first appeared to Bobby, but both were able to 'see them'. There was a 'child Spock' who grew up and now presents as 'Adult Spock' (as the legendary Leonard Nimoy portrayed him in the original series) but there was no understanding of either the Autism or what 'alters' were. Most were considered 'imaginery friends' that we simply grew out of.

11-16/17: This was a traumatic period school-wise as we had to move from a small village primary school to a large comprehensive secondary school with 30 kids(on average) per class. We were still 'hearing' and extremely sound sensitive. Bobby & LS were too scared to go, so 'hosts' were created daily (based on other kids) and sent to attend and endure the daily bullying. Consequently we learned very little in those 5 years. Most favourite memories over both decades are from being at home or camping holidays. Only 'Teen S' & 'Sioux' from this period are still within the system.

**I remember sometimes finding myself up front during this period. I particularly remember us getting an electronic organ (the big ones with 2 keyboards and loads of foot pedals) and music lessons. I don't remember 'being out' before the age of 14**


16/17 - 19: Teen S and Sioux were mostly around but we started to develop hearing difficulties after a specialist changed medication dose. A visit to a residential deaf school & learning sign language (as part of a course) triggered an interest in it and a realisation it would solve several issues (regarding sound sensitivity and selective mutism) for us. 'Thea' began to evolve from this.


**I have memories of standing in for Thea, I would get triggered particularly by the friend called Jodie, who due to mild learning difficulties too needed us to speak and act as interpreter between herself and another native signing friend. I also remember us going on holiday with Jodie to her aunts house in Devon or Cornwall..somewhere down there for 2 weeks. I have very fond memories of her as do many of us**

19-29: was Mostly Thea/Teen S, Mum had experienced cancer by this time - the first time which was a traumatic time and we were by then at this new college as a student. Being Residential ..Thea got stuck out front until we were 'going home' for weekends or holidays. Thea began to take on a culturally 'Deaf' identity like those born deaf who see sign language as 'their native language' and the history of deaf people as 'their history', but only in the presence of other 'Native Signers' at first.

She also took over fully after Teen S was unable to cope after the death of our mum after the cancer came back and spread to Leukaemia (back then treatments were rarely successful but it bought her 3 extra months so host could get through exams before they were told). Thea was then host for 'going to work' and then university.

** I have memories of taking Jodie to London both on a coach trip and a train to visit the other deaf born friend and spend weekends there shopping and visiting tourist attractions. Sadly Jodie passed away after brain surgery during our last year of university. I did not find myself up front again for many years**

Early 30's: Mostly me (Kit) as we by now knew we had Autism and had a basic understanding of it. The pressure of university and social demands of 'future normal life' (ie get married and have kids) triggered a major meltdown and we ended up in a mental health/autism unit. This initially triggered Bobby out but unable to cope they split and I evolved from that part and a past 'social mask host' as an 'adult 'more able' version of Bobby'. After Phoenix was able to get messages to me, the changelings helped me to plan how to get out of there. This was the first time 'intentional communication' took place between those inside and a currently serving host...Unlike Thea, I (Kit) could always 'see' the insiders, because I had come from and previously existed inside.

Mid 30's - Mid 40's: I was able to get us out into our own flat and we had a puppy (our last dog) I stayed out most of time unless 'Thea's friends' demanded to see her. The arrival of any deaf people would still trigger Thea or anyone who knew sign fluently (such as social workers and interpreters).
Teen S was triggered by visits to and by family. After Neurological problems originally misdx as MS, now thought to have been a 'cerebellar stroke' 'Maddie' evolved and eventually took over as host for most of that time period.

We are not sure why but although I could blend with and communicate with Teen S, I was unable to do so with both Thea and Maddie. Thea & Maddie simply disappeared never knowing at the time there were 'others' or an inner world. Although Maddie had started to worry she was developing dementia due to losing time when I started re-emerging regularly again to take over physio. Maddie eventually shut down after the death of our last dog (who she had seen as her assistance dog' and we think the onset of peri beginning triggering confusion, depression and mood swings (that triggered me back to the front originally)

**I originally only remembered the very early days of the flat and our last dog as a puppy. I have never stood in for Maddie during her time, so when I first 'came back' it was at least 15 years since I had last found myself up front (however briefly) at all**

Mid 40's - current age: Though I had been starting to 'sneak out' regularly the other insiders didn't until a medical emergency caused one of our legs to swell to double the size..It was thought to be an allergic reaction at the time.. and 'Maddie was not responding fast enough re getting help..

In order to trigger an adrenaline rush to 'buy us time' and get someone else to the front to get medical help, the system performed its most terrifying but essential manoeuvre yet and thankfully has never repeated it since! it forcefully pushed everyone in the system to the front simultaneously, triggering an adrenaline rush and leaving a rather disorientated me (Kit) in the 'driving seat' who was able to get medication to reverse the reaction. It still took months for the leg to go back down and there was sudden onset of a cough and sciatica. It is now believed that was in fact a blood clot and not an allergic reaction as there was no swelling of the face or anything (only that one leg) and we hadn't eaten anything at the time.
Maddie never reappeared after this episode so 'insiders' had to come out to 'pretend to be her', as and when needed.

After this most insiders knew of each other (if they hadn't previously) we didn't all live together or in the same area originally. We don't know how we missed Jay or why she wasn't triggered out with adrenaline rush. It's possible... if that was in fact a mini stroke... that the clot was somehow blocking Jay been forcefully shoved out to the front at that moment. Maybe the system elders/Guardians were worried it maybe too dangerous to risk? I guess we'll never really know for sure?

** It is possible I was re-awakened by the inner world being relocated into a safer spot..where my pod was, not realising I was still there. I think these events plus the knowledge of early life (pre-7) that only the littles seem able to remember some of, explains why medical incidents are very triggering and traumatic for most of the system and because medical/care staff wrongly assumed we'd be incapable of understanding so never properly explained what was happening to us. Kit has done all the research and pieced everything together**

NOTES TO ADD TO ABOVE

We've got some of the dates and years mixed up but it won't let me go back to edit it now.

We were 27 when the autism was re-confirmed not 29 and Kit remembers our 30th birthday meal was with people from the unit as well as separate one with family. It's only a couple of years out..there's confusion around the last year of uni where a lot of dissociation began to take place and the early 30's (before Maddie began to evolve and take over daily life).

This may have been because Thea was beginning to shut down more or front less and random 'insiders' were sent to play host that day as Kit was not yet fronting. It coincides with 'the real Jodie's death' and the emergence of an alter based on her..sometimes coming out to front in social situations. Although there was no understanding at the time this was happening or that DID existed..anyone who came out responded to the legal name and none communicated with each other...as one came out another went back in. Everyone only got out via 'triggers' so switches were not a conscious or controlled thing back then.

Jay

It's not very often a NT person inspires us to the point we could see ourselves in the future doing the same but this amazing grandma on YT really has!

"Gamer for 39 years and counting, Hamako says playing games rejuvenates her spirit.

"After living for this long, I feel more than ever that playing games for this long was the right choice. I am truly enjoying my life - it's rosy."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A5XlyF7UY8

Definitely worth taking a look, she has amazing co-ordination still at that age and is shown playing Call of duty and Grand Theft Auto 5 on PS4 (also available on other consoles & PC)

Not available on Switch unfortunately. Kit and Bobby do like the look of PS5 but they are really hard to get hold of here and given the current energy crisis and potential powercuts here this winter they have decided to wait as the money would be better saved to cover energy bills for charging our scooter (needed for Mr Woof's daily exercise) and some heating when temps drop to freezing so pipes don't freeze and burst again (housing haven't finished ceiling repairs from last time yet!).

The Switch at least can be fully charged before the powercuts and we have USB/solar power banks it can run off. We may treat ourselves to a mini projector we've seen on ebay cheap, also portable can be run off USB powerbank and connect Switch to it. Would make it easier to see and bring more light into the room (projecting screen onto bedroom wall) when we have the powercuts.

The littles would totally love seeing Sonic race across the bedroom walls!

TheTriForce wrote:The littles would totally love seeing Sonic race across the bedroom walls!

That would be super awesome! Having stuff running off of batteries is super convenient in case of power cut, too.

I hope you can have your pipes surrounded by isolation materials so that in case of power cut, it takes longer before they freeze.

ArbreMonde wrote:

TheTriForce wrote:The littles would totally love seeing Sonic race across the bedroom walls!

That would be super awesome! Having stuff running off of batteries is super convenient in case of power cut, too.

I hope you can have your pipes surrounded by isolation materials so that in case of power cut, it takes longer before they freeze.

I believe there is insulation in the attic but we have never been up there as we can't climb a ladder, don't even own one that long, the workmen from the Housing usually bring their own if they need to go up into the loft/attic to check or fix something.

Very wet here today (teaming down) ... the damp increases pain levels which are quite high today so we're not going to manage much beyond moving between kitchen and bathroom to refill hot water bottles. can't sit up in the chair long today as the lower back pain is quite severe so it's gonna be a bed day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better! - Jay

The Evolution of self/selves through video games

Looking back we have come a long way as a system since Kit first come on here looking for information about Maladaptive Daydreaming, I think to see if it was more intense in the autistic population.

At that time we had the original switch and BOTW and they mainly played just Zelda,not realising it was 'Bobby's need' for stimulation they were fulfilling when they played that. Through this 'Little Susie' started to emerge (Kit originally called her 'Daisy' on here). We bought Animal Crossing for LS when it came out and she immediately chose the original birth name for the characters name, rather than the nickname our mum called her by which surprised Kit especially as LS had also requested a second character set up as 'mummy' in the game.

LS later revealed there was another inside, older than her that identified with the birth name...a teenager who felt her name and life had been stolen from her (Teen S ...because Thea had emerged late teens and changed the name legally..though obviously not to 'Thea'!) and saying that was why she had given her character the full birth name not her nickname. Teen S, touched by LS's gesture started to get confidence to come out more often and closer to the front and play on the game with her.

By the time we had the Switch OLED, Teen S had become 'Yuna' (on here..still known by original name internally) who believed our mothers reincarnated spirit (who she had been in her last life before rejoining us) had joined our body after the stroke, she was nicknamed 'Juno' as she was by this time a 15 year old girl not in the adult form we remembered as 'our mother' and she herself also wanted to honour her original sister.

Yuna started a new island on the OLED leaving (Little) Susie's original one for her to go back to if she wanted and they named themselves what they wanted to be called as 15yr old twins (which is how they present on the inside). This became their world to start their new life together, however in the outside world they found it was not so easy, the body was much older and more disabled and with little external support they could not do with the real life what they would dream of in the inner world. Also changing the legal name back again was going to be a nightmare! When it was originally changed the internet did not exist, we had only one child savings account in that name had not yet worked etc and no qualifications from secondary school.

'Thea' simply went to a solicitor to draw up a paper and started everything from new at the new college in the new name...all qualifications, work history and adult bank accounts (we were over 18 by then) have been in 'new legal name' since. ...and one more important factor...due to our sibling being significantly younger than us we have been 'NLN' for most of his life.

Going back to Yuna ....They tried to function as' conjoined twins' sharing one body when Yuna was fronting ..this showed through their character creation on StarDew Valley, where they created a character that represented them combined but using our mums original real life school nickname, indicating Yuna had still not accepted our 'new' legal name (NLN) as 'her' or 'them'


Yuna hated looking in the mirror and realising the face was much older and they could not be separate twins in the real world it is just and always will be... physically impossible! They considered fusing to stay out front together forever but eventually decided they would miss the inner world that Yuna by then (after the stroke) had re-remembered.

Eventually also driven by the desire to escape the constant tinnitus we've had for the last year They made their decision to return to the inner world after I ('Jay' on here) re-appeaared as a potential new external host. Like the other insiders they can still come out to visit any time they choose but Yuna no longer wants to be full time 'face/identity of the body' to outsiders.

Around this time when Kit started new exercise games they would instead of naming their character 'Kit', use the body's real nickname so I could share that file with her. I seem to have evolved with the desire to take 'NLN' as 'my name' (in the real world), though am happy to be 'Jay' on here.

I'm now fully caught up with the bodies life history and see 'this current body' as 'my body' and 'my age' and I think thats what the system has needed because nobody has for years and its created a huge disconnect between the inner system and the outside body because everyone believed themselves to be so different from the host body they resented having to 'pretend to be the host' so totally isolated us so they had to pretend as little as possible and could each come out to be themselves for as much as possible without the outside world knowing 'they' existed.

It's been interesting to see this also played out via the video game characters created as the system has evolved as we can then date when that game was first played and who originally created the character (unless its a game with a pre-determined character suck as Zelda/Sonic games).

I think video games have allowed each part to come out, given them their own 'outside life' to develop and leaving a reminder of their existence as part of 'us' to whoever would eventually be the external host.

Jay