A New Start (the way forwards)

Oh wow your life is such a rollercoaster! You really are awesome for having been through all of this!

Hi Jay,

That sounds so disorienting. I'm glad that things are stable for you now and that you're able to come out more often. It's been such a chaotic couple of years too, and I know it isn't easy catching up.

Take care,
Vi.

ArbreMonde wrote:Oh wow your life is such a rollercoaster! You really are awesome for having been through all of this!

Thanks! I think alot was forgotten until we have come together and the memories have been shared.

ViTheta wrote:Hi Jay,

That sounds so disorienting. I'm glad that things are stable for you now and that you're able to come out more often. It's been such a chaotic couple of years too, and I know it isn't easy catching up.

Take care,
Vi.

It was at the time and quite scary. We seem to have pieced most of the life together but still see an 'us' and 'ourselves' rather than an 'I" and 'myself' (unless we are talking about individual thoughts or something specifically done by someone in their 'time out').

Will 'we' ever became and 'I'??? We don't see a need to now! ...It's comforting to know the others are there especially as due to our circumstances we have to spend a lot of time alone as there's no way we could manage going to work or college daily. Getting through the day and taking the care of Mr Woof seems to take most of our energy, we hope to get stronger to make switching in and out less tiring for others to come out more often.

Everyone is liking the new system of better communication and more organised and pre-arranged switches so they aren't getting suddenly triggered to the front when they may have been doing something else inside. Some love the fact we live alone and they don't have to worry if they want to slip out near the front to see what's going on and ask if we can do something specific ...some are happy to let others remain in the driving seat but maybe want to know can we visit the nature park this weekend or something like that? This usually uses less energy if no switches are involved which is why we're 'working in shifts' at the minute with who is actually 'piloting the body'.

If you wish to send a message to Yuna or anyone not currently 'up front' as soon as 'I' read it they know about it inside as we're all linked on some kind of telepathic network now..kind of like a SMS sent via our minds to each other. They can send their reply without us switching over if it would be too tiring to do so. I'm not sure if this is how all systems communicate as its quite new to me! -Jay

I'm glad that things are working out. Yeah, we're still working on sharing and sorting things out. We also don't think we'll ever fuse. We find it scary, if we're honest. We were talking to our friend LJ about it and quoted Doctor Who about regeneration. Who we are is gone and someone else walks away. Besides, we're finding it easier being a system. Everyone we've talked to about fusion tends to talk about positive traits, but we're scared negative ones will be part of the fusion too, and that would mean more problems.

We think that, once we're on our own and through the surgeries, it'll be easier for us to switch out and do things for everyone and then be happier together as a system. Right now, only a few of us co-front, and know what's going on, but that's for our safety.

Take care,
Pippa

ViTheta wrote:I'm glad that things are working out. Yeah, we're still working on sharing and sorting things out. We also don't think we'll ever fuse. We find it scary, if we're honest. We were talking to our friend LJ about it and quoted Doctor Who about regeneration. Who we are is gone and someone else walks away. Besides, we're finding it easier being a system. Everyone we've talked to about fusion tends to talk about positive traits, but we're scared negative ones will be part of the fusion too, and that would mean more problems.

We think that, once we're on our own and through the surgeries, it'll be easier for us to switch out and do things for everyone and then be happier together as a system. Right now, only a few of us co-front, and know what's going on, but that's for our safety.

Take care,
Pippa

Thanks...Kit says after many insiders came forwards and were having to 'play host' (still trying to run 'Maddie's life' after Maddie disappeared) they felt stressed and started to resent anyone who expected them to interact 'as Maddie' as although they the insiders knew of each other they had not yet discovered the term 'DID' and did not understand what has happening to the mind. They were happiest at first lockdown when all social expectation was removed cos of the pandemic.

Regarding 'Fusion' ...Yuna and Juno were torn between being fused permanently (just with each other) or still been able to do things separately as they also like their own inner bodies as 15yr old twins.

Our system seems to view it as something that should only happen if the bodies physical life were to come to its end, so we all fuse and leave as 'one spirit' to be reborn together.

Right now due to our circumstances the 'inner world' is much richer (in a creative sense) than than the outer world because we can all do much more physically than the body can do in the 'outside world'. There is no desire to lose that or the changelings or the holodecks...nothing in the outside world can equal them in terms of the happiness everyone gets.

Sometimes the fatigue and pain is so intense its exhausting to just have to get up for 5mins to visit the bathroom and even remaining sat up (on the sofa etc colouring, playing with Mr Woof, playing on video game etc) is too exhausting. But the 'inner world' is always there all we have to do is close our eyes and be transported by the changelings to wherever we want to be. We have realised it is important to our mental well-being and keeps us off the anti-depressants!

We have seen what happened to those (of our system) who lived exclusively in the outside world with no contact or knowledge of the inner world, they did not survive due to the stress...only the 'insiders' have who had 'a means of escape'. (the inner world).

I (Jay) am an 'insider' now..I can go inside whenever I want and use whatever Holodeck I wish to relieve stress and be ready for my 'next shift in the pilot seat' I don't have to return to my pod any more alone to then work with someone who has no idea of my existence.

We think we have found everyone now, there is a feeling of 'completeness' and 'strength' throughout the system.

I'm so glad that you feel complete now. It's a wonderful feeling. Our little cabaret is all full now too. Well, except for the rooms for Marcus and Keira, but there's reasons for that. We're still working through the Bad Stuff, but it's good to all be here. We're also still sorting out how this all functions.

But yes! Being outside all the time is exhausting and we don't know how our non-system friends do it. I mean, when Vi gets tired, one of us does try to come forward or when I (Pippa) get upset, I can work it out in the Inner World without having to disrupt everything. Plus, we're in pain a lot too and shunting the pain away takes so much energy.

I do hope that things are going well for you today,
Take care,
Pippa

Hello Yuna here! .... visiting with Little Susie (LS) and Little Jody (LJ) for Halloween!

Things on the inside are changing quite a bit. Bobby & Phoenix (as predicted) got bored with being 'toddlers'. Phoenix wants to be freer as a changeling in their second lifetime and Bobby wants an 'off-world homeworld' for the changelings to live in whatever form they choose. so Kit has gone to help Spock create a 'Stargate-like program' (like the one on TV, Bobby loves that TV program too) cos Bobby wants to be able to 'dial in off-world addresses' like on Stargate not just 'go in the holodeck'.

Jody who is 'changeling introject' (created to look like someone else) has decided she would like to 'experience childhood' with LS so is currently a 6yr old the same and her little 'best friend'.. LS also requested a 'Baby Brother' like her real one when she was little so they can grow up with a better relationship now she understands 'more grown up stuff'(about relationships) that she didn't back then. we'll just refer to him as 'BB' for now as LS wants to call him by siblings real name, he will of course be a changeling as 'the inner parents' are, as no new human alters have been created for several years now.

Jay seems to be doing well at the front, she's gone for a short break while she can get one! We're about to take Mr Woof to see the ducks then comeback to make 'spooky cupcakes' then Pizza later for tea, then go on Animal Crossing..LS will then want to recreate that Halloween Party on the inside when we return so an Holodeck is being set up ready! ..'Normal service' will resume tomorrow!!

I'm glad you had fun!

For Halloween we ate Dinosaur cookies (picked by Pride), watched "Fright Tales" from Lego Star Wars then "Nightmare before Christmas" then a horror game walkthrough on YouTube. We had also a bucket of chocolate bars in case kids would ring at the door and riging they did.

When I was in the shower.

So for Halloween I was dressed up as the "Swamp Shower Monster" wrapped in a dressing gown and leaving puddles of water and soap everywhere. The first kid in the row I think it was their first Halloween because they did not understand they had to pick one candy from my bucket, they just tried to pull the whole pot from my hands like "Wow, all for me?". The parents around where having a good laugh.

For next year I'll try to remember to either take my shower super early or super late because my usual shower time is the local "candy time" apparently.

ArbreMonde wrote:I'm glad you had fun!

For Halloween we ate Dinosaur cookies (picked by Pride), watched "Fright Tales" from Lego Star Wars then "Nightmare before Christmas" then a horror game walkthrough on YouTube. We had also a bucket of chocolate bars in case kids would ring at the door and riging they did.

When I was in the shower.

So for Halloween I was dressed up as the "Swamp Shower Monster" wrapped in a dressing gown and leaving puddles of water and soap everywhere. The first kid in the row I think it was their first Halloween because they did not understand they had to pick one candy from my bucket, they just tried to pull the whole pot from my hands like "Wow, all for me?". The parents around where having a good laugh.

For next year I'll try to remember to either take my shower super early or super late because my usual shower time is the local "candy time" apparently.

That sounds like you had fun!

I had a' visitation' from the guardians last night..I call it that because it is stronger than a regular dream and unlike a regular dream when I can only often remember a few bits from the end on waking, I remember the entire thing in detail!

I had been reading that document again about Autism and DID ...sometimes it takes several readings of something before the link between knowing what the words are (visual recognition) and knowing what it means and is actually saying, activates.

This was stuck in our head whirling round with no meaning attached:

QUOTE “Whenever I am in sensory overload it feels like my bodily functions like
walking, reacting to people in a crowd, watching out for objects in the way while
walking are sep[a]rated from my personality so that I don't have to make
conscious decisions about it because my working memory cannot process these
AND the sensory overload UNQUOTE

The Guardians 'explain' by sending the corresponding memories as video clips and visually piecing them together in front of our eyes (as they know the meaning of spoken words maybe missed) Suddenly there is that Eureka moment as another piece of the Never Ending jigsaw falls into place!

We know why 'Maddie' got stuck in a specific moment and couldn't move past it whilst ever any other person was present around us, and we can see how 'Yuna' is in danger of falling into the same trap!

The system does not wish to repeat it as it has learned that 'Hosts completely disconnected from the front' do not work forever. We only have 'one spare' with no trauma memory and the potential to become an outside host in a future 'busier life' if we wished to rejoin society...that is 'Jay' ..she was sent to learn to become a 'future host'..this time 'trained by the insiders'.

As she has been out over many decades 'standing in' for different hosts she has acted out many different roles and has much more experience (albeit in small doses of that setting) of the 'outer world'..for some reason this 'bypasses' the insiders inability to exist in front of real life others.

eg Take 'Bobby' for example ...our most severely autistic 'self' from the earliest back in time...they cannot function AT ALL if another real life person is in our house!.. everything they (the other person) does is unpredictable, they cannot process the 'sensory overload' from this other person being in 'their personal space and possibly touching things, what they are saying, what they mean ..and focus on stringing together an intelligent reply and move from room to make the guest a cup of tea for example as any 'normal adult' our age would do for a guest....without other alters they would be paralysed with fear constantly in the presence of others..without alters they would have probably lived out their life as a 'low functioning' or 'severely autistic person in need of a everything being done for them'. ..alone they probably would have never even made it to mainstream school let alone university!

The purpose of the system originally evolving was so Bobby could 'learn and experience life through others'...this explains why Bobby is seen by our system as 'the original child' - even though the NT description of DID says there is NO original...of course the early simplicity of the system despite the best of intentions ...greatly under estimated how complex life would become over the years..and more and more 'alters' were needed to get through the outside worlds demands to be normal, fit in, go to school, go to work, manage relationships etc.... it all eventually got too much!

This was I believe the trigger point for 'Thea's shutdown' Things did not work as efficiently since..although I fronted and could still walk then I (Kit) still 'appeared autistic' to those around us as I struggled to choose between processing vestibular information (remaining mobile) and sensory (environment etc). In the unit life was pretty static and predictable ..back outside in the real world (once we got our flat) ...social demands started to overload us...FB was just starting up back then and our social worker felt it would be good for our mental health to reconnect with (Thea's) past friends from university, it quickly became too much for me and 'Maddie' began to evolve as our 'SM face'

Because FB demanded you were constantly available to respond she started to takeover and when the 'neuro incident' required hospitalisation and 'intense physical contact' it was too much for me..Maddie got stuck out front dealing with it all as we couldn't 'switch out' due to carers being constantly present in the early days. It would be several years before I would begin to re-emerge regularly again in daily life.

Because 'Yuna' had been an insider (as Teen S) we knew there had to be some memory of us all somewhere, but still it took a while to reach the front and communicate with her after the stroke event. The name 'Yuna' was implanted by the system as a clue of the relationship between the changelings and the humans (the 'summoners'...'Yuna was a character in the game Final Fantasy 10 who was a 'summoner' of non-human beings such as Valefor..the 'Phoenix-like bird') as they tried to guide her back here to 'remember us'


It's taken a whole lot of work but we got back in the end I guess luckily the stroke was not as serious as it potentially could have been. I think 'Jay' is the 'future solution' in the hope it would work again and maybe quicker next time. ...but who knows??? ..there is no guidance anywhere for 'how to re-find your system after a stroke or other brain injury'

..my guess is families and doctors would choose to let the person affected simply 'forget they were DID' in the hope they would have 'a more normal life' if physical issues could be overcome.