A New Start (the way forwards)

I (Host) found myself at the front ....I feel its my body and my life though I don't feel the same age as the body emotionally. I don't care about that too much as from what we've been reading about menopause and ageing etc ...people who are 'younger' (emotionally) with more active imagination/brains seem to be less likely to get dementia early or at all. Gamers also seem to get stuff like that less because of areas of brain that are often activated in action games. ..particuarly first person style games where fast or strategic thinking is needed.

So I'm kind of hoping that the last years with all the different alters keeping our brain highly active throughout menopause and through the stroke etc will end up being a major advantage for us in that respect.

With now many of the early past alters re-integrating into 'Lily' and/or staying inside I decided I needed more help up front. Jess has been in the background watching Lily and Kate when they've dealt with social stuff and when I was previously coming out at weekend Jess would blend with me to practice motor control through the games.

I am hoping she will be able to get past the mental block the others had ..as being changeling who mainly stayed in animal form she has no preconceptions of what she can and can't do as a human yet, she also feels she has more physical strength and the Tinnitus doesn't bother her as much as she could hear a geater range than a human person anyway, particularly higher pitched sounds. I'm hoping her blended witih me means I can learn to ignore it, if its not going to be something that's going to disappear after we get past peri menopause stage and won't leave us feeling so exhausted before we've even done anything!

We have done it..in time for the end of peri-menopause!

All the ones who identified with the birth name have integrated with me (Lily). It felt weird and overwhelming at first but now they have settled down and fully merged it feels better. It seems they have the closure they needed.

Kit has re-integrated within Host (previously known as 'Bobby') who she was a direct split from. They are now one and go by the one of the names within the legal name in the outside world.

Jess has reached the stage she can help them partially mask in situations they feel comfortable with by blending or co-hosting with them, but they still strongly felt they needed someone else to deal with 'official stuff' and be the 'official self' when one is needed to present in person..eg app in doctors office, having to go to bank, funeral or other social events other than walking the dog or visiting sibling at their old home. (myself and/or Kate may also still go along to family meals).

Kate and I will be doing that (official appointments) We''re also caretakers for the ones remaining in the inner world. which are mostly the damaged fragments that have remained as animals and some other Tulpa's created by Host and Kate.

The system feels much smaller and calmer but it feels happier' The one's that needed to re-integrate have done and some have remained inside to look after the damaged fragments that can't be re-integrated.

It has been a long process the peri-menopause business but we feel like we have learned alot about ourselves from it possibly mostly due to the enforced isolation from the pandemic giving all the different selves time to come out in safety,, work through stuff and re-integrate.

We feel more ready to go out and re-join society, knowing what we are comfortable with and what we want from the next chapter.

Lily

We have had another integration I think it was the last!

Kit & Bobby have integrated within me (Jess) as they wanted to be seperate to the ones integrated with Lily. Kit has fully integrated within Bobby and is no longer 'a seperate self' but 'Bobby' carries all their memories and can still switch out with me or we can co-host....There is no dissociation when we two switch or co-host. we are always co-conscious with each other but not necessarily with Lily or Kate. (eg I've no idea what they're doing on the inside right now though I could guess from knowing the routine)

Lily represents all those (except 'Bobby') that identified with the first half of the life, they all identified with the original birth name. (LS, Yuna, Sue etc)

I remember roughly about 15 years of the second half of life where it was originally mostly me and Bobby or Kit. I have some memories of 'Maddie' but she mostly only actually fronted for appointments that were outside of the house where neither myself, Bobby or Kit went with her.

Lily and/or Kate will be taking over medical appointments and other such external social stuff but otherwise are Acting Caretakers for ones still living inside.

I'm now doing basic daily life and looking after Mr Woof etc. We are hoping this will reduce the amount of dissociation between switches. Hopefully the brain fog and Tinnitus will also improve as hormone levels in the body re-stabilise. It is better than it was..I feel a little more clear-headed and less exhausted before I've even done anything today!

Jess