[vent] it's not enough

I thought my therapist would believe me, but she doesn't. The lack of amnesia is inconclusive.
- I have alters, roughly 3 that I can tell so far
- I can have conversations with them but I don't hear their voices, I just know what they want to say
- I generally interact with the world via blurry soup of all members, and this has been the case for a long time, I'm afraid of others noticing the alters, and the feeling of incoherence scares me
- On bad days when I have arguments with the others I get headaches, generally on one size of the brain. They used to be really bad as a kid but they stopped being as frequent. I now just get very tired and need a 20-30 minute name to reset.
- I have a foggy memory, I can't tell you what I wrote above with great confidence, but if I look at it I'll recall writing it. I can recall things in the past if given some context.
- My friends generally see me as consistent but spacey
- I sometimes feel like alters take control over my movemenets and speech, but I'm generally able to take control back. They normally take control because I'm faced with a stressful situation of some kind
- When I was in highschool I suffered a traumatic experience that made me be afraid of the others. I was a lot more out of it up until that point, but after that I tried really hard to suppress and ignore the inconsistencies
- Basically everything about me is inconsistent day to day. I have different feelings towards my ambitions, different sensations, when I smell things it connects to different memories, etc.

but I don't have times where I wake up in the middle of nowhere. And that appears to be the conclusive factor.

I was open with my therapist about how I feel with these things; it's extremely scary for me to explain these feelings to anyone. I always shake very bad when I do. I thought she'd take me seriously. I have been in therapy for a long time, and I have always felt like the "help" that was offered didn't really apply to me. I mean I took their advice and I've improved, but it required a great deal of effort on my part to change how that advice worked. "meditate / group yourself" but I'd have to do a very particular kind of meditation for it to actually have an impact. Plus I'm entirely unable to ever be "grounded", and then doctors tell me to ground myself but I can't and they think I'm just not trying or lying. Then mentioning how I have alters and how much of a role they play in my life is bad because I'm afraid the doctors will abuse me. I finally opened up to my therapist, and I thought she actually 'saw' me. Well today when I saw her I was reminded that without amnesia it's not conclusive.

I'm feeling defeated, I feel extremely ashamed for having alters. I feel extremely ashamed for how that's "crazy" or for how when I explained it to my friend the other day she got really quiet and so then I just had to pull it back and play it all off. It's heart wrenching because the me they see is extremely painful for me to present. It requires tremendous effort from my end to both remember and deliver consistent dialogue and emtions. To blend together the mess ups when an altair speaks out of turn or moves my arm randomly and I have to pretend like I'm stretching.

I'm really disappointed by the psychological professionals everyone touts as the final say. In my experience they do nothing but miss every detail unless I want them to see it. I'm not feeling good though, I am feelings a bit hopeless. I don't want to live the rest of my life in such utter pain while also not being believed or even being made to feel guitly for it because I doubt I deserve to have such a reaction from my traumas (albeit I was sexually abused as a kid, but it wasn't as bad as others).

you can still have other specified disorders (OSDD) with alters and not have amnesia between alters.

it sounds like perhaps that therapist doesn't understand that there is a spectrum. is she able to diagnose you? if not, it's not really her job to say what it is or is not. it's her job instead to help you navigate it. if she is unwilling or unable to and it is what you are there for, she might not be the right person.

it also doesn't matter if it is OSDD or DID. the way they are treated is the same. it's just a matter of finding someone who will help you with it.

Hopefully you can find a professional who is educated in the diagnosis and treatment of dissociative disorders so you can get the help you need and want. Alters are only found in DID and OSDD1, and the category of OSDD1 exists for those people who basically have "almost-DID" or "partial-DID" or even "not-completely-figured-out-DID" but don't (at that point in time) meet the full criteria for DID.

The cause and treatment of DID and OSDD1 is exactly the same--they are not fundamentally different disorders.

The amnesia criterion for DID was broadened for DSM 5, and having consistent memory gaps for the past is considered "enough" to meet it. If someone has alters but no amnesia at all, they can be given the diagnosis of OSDD1.

Whatever label would be applied to you, you deserve the right kind of help, and it sounds like your current therapist doesn't have the knowledge or experience to provide it. I hope you can find someone who does.

Also, welcome to the forum!

I'm thinking about it and the best thing for me to do is accept and validate how I feel and what I experience with or without validation. What I feel is real. What I experience I DO experience it. And no one here or in therapy needs to tell me otherwise. I'm not faking it. I'm not trying to be weird. I'm not lying to myself or others. I'm not being over dramatic. I feel how I feel and ###$ everyone that has the audacity to belittle that reality.

Thank you, all. Ya the reason I've come to understand that it upsets me is I feel very invalidated and ashamed. I do a lot to hide what I experience from others and to myself and it takes a great deal of energy. I never talk about my alters or anything relating to it because it makes me extremely scared and ashamed. I think the best thing for me to do is simply accept that I feel what I feel and what I feel is real. And to not require others to validate that with a diagnosis. I don't want their stupid diagnosis. I simply want to be comfortable in how I experience reality and to let us be free from the very oppressive control and fear.

Anyway, my therapist is certied enough to diagnose. I don't think she's bad, I'm just super sensitive. It takes lot of effort to mention anything related to these feelings. I've not been clear about the alters. Maybe I will be with this new found acceptance.

I doubt anything or anyone will really help me though. Out of fear I have already done it all myself for the most part. I did it with the help of others and my therapists, but they never knew the truth.

The amount of amnesia that is "enough" to qualify for DID rather than OSDD1 apparently varies depending on who is diagnosing you. Together with the fact that both are complex dissociative disorder and both are treated the same, makes it kinda ridiculous in my opinion to discriminate between the two.

Sending you a lot of support through this frustrating time. I hope that whatever diagnosis you are given, it will open the path for the treatment you need.
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Zamiel@Morwan.

Names don't matter. The only thing that matters is symptoms. I feel these things and so they are true and no one can take that away from me.

Next session I'll make hot chocolate and try to touch on my feelings.

Protector: for what it's worth, the therapist is not bad at her job. Nor is she cruel. It's just that she doesn't see "me" because "me" is not there, but it feels like they are. I wish someone knows to help us soon.

i'm sorry that sounds very frustrating. i for one hate not being believed (a prior issue in my family.) and so i think it becomes even worse cause you are trying to go to a therapist to heal and having to feel unbelieved. I know it may be in part the way that things work right now, but it's still very much upsetting. i am thinking of trying therapy again and part of me doesn't even want to bring this aspect up for this reason.