Unravelling the confusion (or trying to!)

It feels like it's been a steep learning curve since my 'stroke event' where I felt I'd just been 'shoved out front' to deal with it. There are weeks missing which I guess was when my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool and I struggled to remember whether something had happened or I'd just dreamt it had.

At first I felt I hadn't been out for years and struggled to make the body work, I thought the stroke must have been quite serious if I struggled to remember so much and felt like an alien in my own body! There was a feeling that something was missing but no memory of what it was.

Been on a stroke forum too made me realise I was having some issues others weren't having then I found the note with 'psych forum' scribbled on it and found my way here. Again there was that 'strange familiarity', despite feeling sure I definitely didn't have this and couldn't remember whether I'd been here before or what name I'd used.


Then 'Juno' joined me up front. it seems she had also struggled to find her way to me but must have been on 'our side' of the broken connection when the disconnect happened. I say this as no-one else it seems has managed to get to the front.

The ones I referred to as the Protector/Guardian and the Spirit Guide by my side from the very beginning are still 'on this side' of the virtual broken bridge (whatever it is stopping the others from triggering out or reaching the front? - stroke damage???) I guess they must have been close to the front before the actual blood clot happened?..so still 4 of us are on this side (front) and it's now about 5-6 months since? (my concept of passing time is still a bit dodgy). It doesn't feel that long!

There's very little information out there about the effects of a stroke on a person who already had some form of Dissociative Disorder, especially how it would affect a system of alters and their ability to 'come forward' (and influence passively) or 'switch' so I am effectively 'flying blind'.

I also seem to have lost the ability to 'see' the inner world. I wondered at first if this was because there wasn't an inner world to start with and I was totally on the wrong path, but now I know who 'we used to be' on here and read posts from the past account it seems I did have the ability to see the inside previously and had in fact 'lived inside' for many years whilst others took care of real-life commitment such as having to go to college or work for 'me'. ...so maybe the blood clot damaged something inside? ..either way I'm stuck out front with no way of knowing whether I'll ever regain that ability.

At least I have 'Juno' we seem to have the strongest bond within the system (going on past reports). I can't 'see' her as such but I hear her thoughts, she hears mine we communicate telepathically (except for when we've been deliberately practising speech therapy and tried to have our some of our conversation whispered or spoken out loud to help regain/improve speech). She has shown me what she looks like via drawing my attention to photographs and taking over influence when creating avatars on games, but I need to have that image physically in front of me to be able to imagine her visually as I'm talking to her. I'm unsure whether that's due to Dissociative memory issues or stroke damage or whether it will improve over time.

The only contact with any others has been in dream form (images coming to me via dreams at night) and so far only of a little girl and more recently also a changeling ...changing shape in front of me (in the dream) so I now remember what/who 'the changelings' are! The dream seemed to be telling me they can't come to the front, (or maybe its not safe for them to try and visit/stay on this side just yet?)

I am trying to find a more effective way to communicate with them so I can at least ask if everyone is ok and find out who is missing, if any others were injured/damaged? etc. Given the child's age and the fact we already seem to own Animal Crossing we are looking to use that as way to further communication, although I am unsure whether it will work if they can't physically 'get to the front' to influence 'live communication' but will set it up and try anyway.


I was unsure about writing this post given I'm still not sure whether 'I' am DID to start with, but given the fact we seem to have been on here already, the previous host obviously believed they were! ..so I hope admins can allow the post to stay incase others find their way back to the front on the off chance they remember immediately who they were and log in.

Still struggling with finding passwords but will leave a message to the old account in the hope they'd send one back (just in case there was a memory block preventing me knowing about/remembering the switch) or send a reply on here (that I don't remember typing!)



Yuna


p.s. feel free to comment (anyone) if you have ideas how to help a 'little' get to the front and be able to communicate with us. She appears to be about 6-7 yo. Thanks

also....can an admin tell me whether they could read any personal information sent in a private messages (or if it could get hacked and end up out on the internet) ???


I don't want to use real names (in a PM) to identify us as part of Kit's system if the information could get out onto the wider internet and reveal our real life identity. (I would be more careful what I gave as 'clues')


Thanks

Yuna

Hi Yuna

When we were first learning to posatively trigger our little we would hum the theame tunes of kids programs we could have watched from that time. In the end both super Ted and banana man were good triggers. At first the little just sung along, eventually they made use of the crayons we had set out for them. The little at the time was not really aware they were fronting as they were hyper focused on drawing. This built up their stamina. Eventually one of our bigs took control of the opposite hand to write to the little while they were drawing. The little was majorly pissed that someone had written on their drawing but it showed that communication was possible.

So crayons, teddies, favourite cartoons. Take a photo of how everything was when you set up and then wait and see. If the little fronts to play then things will move. You might not realise time has passed but if the teddies suddenly change order etc then those are clues that someone has been out.

-- Sun Feb 13, 2022 11:03 pm --

Also wanted to say watching your journey gives us major hope. Stroke etc has always been a huge worry for us so to see that it is possible for alters to survive one is heartwarming. Thankyou for documenting your journey here.

Eliseahorse wrote:Hi Yuna

When we were first learning to posatively trigger our little we would hum the theame tunes of kids programs we could have watched from that time. In the end both super Ted and banana man were good triggers. At first the little just sung along, eventually they made use of the crayons we had set out for them. The little at the time was not really aware they were fronting as they were hyper focused on drawing. This built up their stamina. Eventually one of our bigs took control of the opposite hand to write to the little while they were drawing. The little was majorly pissed that someone had written on their drawing but it showed that communication was possible.

So crayons, teddies, favourite cartoons. Take a photo of how everything was when you set up and then wait and see. If the little fronts to play then things will move. You might not realise time has passed but if the teddies suddenly change order etc then those are clues that someone has been out.

-- Sun Feb 13, 2022 11:03 pm --

Also wanted to say watching your journey gives us major hope. Stroke etc has always been a huge worry for us so to see that it is possible for alters to survive one is heartwarming. Thankyou for documenting your journey here.

Thank you for your message.

I just hope I am right in that it is some form of dissociative disorder and the things that are slowly starting to work would work for others on here, (although I sincerely hope no-one else ever has to experience this especially in a pandemic when waiting lists for help can be over 2 years long in some area's!).

It seems I was fortunate this body already had some level of physical disability because it meant the aids needed were already in the house! I wasn't left stuck months awaiting assessment, although I didn't realise at the time and have spent months believing all these aids were a temporary loan my family had somehow managed to arrange! (because I remembered being able to run and walk without realising that was 'inside') Reading past posts I've realised I'm back to roughly the same ability physically that people seem to think the body was at, under the last host.


I'm a little more shaky on my feet especially outside (have had a couple of minor falls that scared me) but hoping as summer progresses and walking in the garden is easier (no mud, ice or snow!) I will find my confidence again.

Yuna

It is nice to see you making sense of things and connecting the dots of the time pre-stroke. I am happy for you!
__
Morwan.

ArbreMonde wrote:It is nice to see you making sense of things and connecting the dots of the time pre-stroke. I am happy for you!
__
Morwan.

Thank you. Everything seems to take so much energy to do! It's not been easy trying to find any 'spare' to think about any other than getting through the day for the most part! But energy levels are slowly improving, I seem to do better on sunny days...not that we've had too many lately!

How are you doing after your surgery?

Yuna

YunaTheSummoner wrote:also....can an admin tell me whether they could read any personal information sent in a private messages (or if it could get hacked and end up out on the internet) ???


I don't want to use real names (in a PM) to identify us as part of Kit's system if the information could get out onto the wider internet and reveal our real life identity. (I would be more careful what I gave as 'clues')

Hi Yuna ,
No Mod or Admin can see the content of a private message . It is only readable by you and the person you've sent it to .

New

NewSunRising wrote:

Hi Yuna ,
No Mod or Admin can see the content of a private message . It is only readable by you and the person you've sent it to .

New

ok Thank you. We're trying to agree on what to say!

YunaTheSummoner wrote:How are you doing after your surgery?

Yuna

Thank you for asking!

Things went very well, the gain of well-being helped integrate things faster, which was a surprise. The first few weeks were difficult especially with the anemia, but I recovered quickly. I have only a few massage therapy sessions to make sure the scar evolves well and then I'll be good to keep doing it all by myself.
__
Morwan.

ArbreMonde wrote:

YunaTheSummoner wrote:How are you doing after your surgery?

Yuna

Thank you for asking!

Things went very well, the gain of well-being helped integrate things faster, which was a surprise. The first few weeks were difficult especially with the anemia, but I recovered quickly. I have only a few massage therapy sessions to make sure the scar evolves well and then I'll be good to keep doing it all by myself.
__
Morwan.

Sorry I forgot to come back to check this post! I'm glad your surgery went well and things are improving.


I don't know if you've seen my other newer post but it seems we do not have contact with a little on the inside after all. To say I am very disappointed with Phoenix is an understatement as I really believed we had hope there. (It appears the little girl in the dream were Phoenix's thoughts and desire to go back to a time she was happiest and was NOT the little girl trying to communicate with us from the inside)

I feel like she has led me astray and others as she also admitted to the period (described by Kit) as 'Maddie' being up front and Phoenix blocking her knowing Kit was sneaking out. I am hugely disappoointed as that is everything my mother wasn't (Phoenix was the host of 'Juno's spirit') and feel very let down and 'stripped of hope' after everything we have been through together especially these last 6 months.


I feel I can't function without being able to feel Juno close so the Spirit Guide has offered her changeling body to be Juno's host and stay out front with me. The Protector (also a changeling) has taken Phoenix back to the inside to face the changeling council as her actions have directly impacted things in the real world on more than one occasion which is a violation of their laws apparently.

I still cannot see this 'inner world' or 'others' that Kit has described in past posts, though have been reading posts written by S & M and can remember some of the 'real life outings' they described eg the birthday BBQ and other meals we have gone for with family but no 'inner world memories'. I don't know if this is what you call a 'dissociative wall' or not? There seems much overlap between the different conditions making it hard to work out what is causing what.


Anyway we must get on with our day now the storms have died down, our dog needs a good run, time to check out the outside world and see where we can get to that isn't still flooded!

Yuna & Juno