Not sure if I have OSDD/DID

Hi! This is my first time in the forum so I apologise if the formatting is a bit off or if my English is a bit weird- not exactly a native speaker.

So, for the past 6 years I've suspected that I've had some form of a dissociative disorder- I've always felt that I wasn't 'fully present'. Fast forward to last year I had two instances of a black out and hearing a voice (an internal voice- not external) that says "It was just me". I'm in my early 20s, if that's important.

Now, I'm not unfamiliar with the (some) of the voices. Some of them have been around since I was a child, and 'lived my days for me' so to say. Or at least, that's what younger me had thought off. I called them my friends, and later 'the people in my head'. That last one sounded a bit.. funny so I called them the voices, and now they're just 'the thoughts'. We're not all peachy with one another, no. But we tolerate with each other. They've got their own names, likes, fears. However, whenever I want to tell someone about them it's almost like my mouth's been sealed off. Only recently did we come to a somewhat 'agreement' on discussing about us.

I still try being logical with myself- since they're all from my brain they'd just be parts of me, no? My sense of self is very fuzzy as well, so it's hard for me to discern which is me and which isn't at times. But they don't feel like me, or feel like current me. It's like another person just being inside my head as well. And I've always had a sense that I wasn't alone in the body.
There's only a few of them that I would say act out of character for me. Or at least, whatever the idea of me I have/people observed. But the rest don't seem to differ too much (or unless they're acting like me-?) but they do have different internal voices, interests, and ways of thinking Sometimes it feels like it's just a trait of mine that's exaggerated. But like I said, fuzzy sense of self lol. I thought it could be BPD, but I don't mimic others, I think. Nor do I feel like I'm the one doing any out of character actions. It's like watching myself

When I was much younger I've had a few instances of 'coming to'- like I was waking up from a dream but in reality I was very much awake. I would suddenly go "I can see! I can hear!" before going back to sleep or end up watching myself speak/do things. That last one I still feel like that now, but I've always thought it was normal, ya know? I guess I never had a baseline for what normal was. I also don’t feel like I was the one who lived before a few years ago. Whoever that child was has long since been dormant. And how I view childhood is the exact opposite of this child.

My sense of time is disoriented. And I've always had a bad memory. But I'm always 'co-con', even when I feel like I'm someone else entirely. Or just very fuzzy. Sometimes there's the momentary confusion about where I am/what I was doing, but I end up going along with whatever I was doing anyways. It's only become a problem recently when it started to happen during driving more often and I get very dissociated. It's caused alarm and panic which isn't great to have lol. It’s odd because logically, I have a license and should be able to drive. But now it’s like they’re arguing over who’s driving and I get this insane push and pull sensation in my head.

Mirrors freak me out as well, sometimes I don't recognise the person or it just feels 'wrong'. And sometimes I'd be looking directly at my body and get a weird sense of "I'm supposed to be taller" "I'm 8 not this age" "why's my hand so different?" This is an issue when using the stairs lol

Sometimes I forget that my family is well, related to me. And the image I have of their faces sometimes gets blurry. Voices, faces- I'm bad with those, too, sometimes. Some of my memories aren't mine, even though logically, it should be because it's this body that was in those memories. I 'go along' with it because.. I've really no idea why. People would tell me I did something or act like this and that when I don't think I did, but I don't know if they're lying to me or if I'm just lying to myself at this point.

I can’t remember much from my childhood but I know it was a lot of neglect, emotional neglect, bullying, moving houses, changing schools several times, not being able to communicate with others, lack of solid friends. All that accompanied me were the thoughts and toys.

These are I guess some of the things I’ve seen/read that is related to OSDD that I have. I've taken a DES test and I scored well above 30 marks. So, I suppose I have something. Trying to figure out what's normal and what isn't is difficult because again, I don’t know what’s ‘normal’. So I don't know how I'd go explaining about my symptoms. Currently I have persistent depression disorder and a doctor suspected I have a panic disorder.

I'm guessing this is as far as I'm 'allowed' to talk about them here. I'm going to ask for an assessment from a psychiatrist I've just started seeing, but I was wondering if anyone else has had this experience, too. Or if I'm just weird I guess. Not sure if I should just straight up tell the psychiatrist I want an assessment (second time seeing him. I only talked about my depression the first time, and minimally talked about the thoughts. He said he wasn't sure why I had those thoughts)

Yeah, I suppose that's all. Thanks for reading my long train of thoughts lol

It does sound a lot like dissociative disorders. Your current medical team can for a start, help you with the most urgent things: dealing with the depression, with the panic, and learning anchoring exercises to deal with the depersonalization/derealization. This would be a good start.

Then when your daily life is more stable, you can start seeking diagnosis and support for the rest of the issues (dissociative spectrum issues). Try to have a differential diagnosis if you can because there are similar things that can give similar symptoms, but they have subtle differences and the treatment can be a bit different too.

In the meantime, if this forum can be of any help for you, do not hesitate to read around, ask questions, comment, and so on. Welcome! There is among other things this thread dissociative-identity/topic219302.html containing general ressources about dissociation.
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Daniel.