Need advice on SO's alter memory

Happy new year everyone!!!
I wish you all are enjoying the festivals!

Hope it wouldn't be too much of a bother but I would be so grateful if someone can give me some advice here.

My SO has DID but the host doesn't remember any traumatic experience.
Two days ago one of the younger alters shared with me some of the memories he kept by himself.
Now I'm not sure what I should do.
I shouldn't tell the host right? Otherwise, he might be re-traumatized.
And if I tell his therapist I'm worried it might break the trust with the younger alter.

Also, his therapist is someone he has known for a long time that he trusts very much, but is not specifically trained for DID.
For that reason, I'm not 100% sure if he could handle the new information well.
And as much as I know the younger alter, he's definitely not gonna say anything in the therapy sessions any time soon. In this case, the therapy might get stuck...

Any idea what I should do now?

Thank you so much and big warm hugs!!!

Inkieta XOXO

My personaladvice would be to tell the host that there is something the Little needs to discuss with the therapist AND the host during therapy session. That it is important to do it with the help of the therapist because it is not your role to do it, but still it is important that someone helps everybody inside to communicate.

And that you thank the Little for their trust in you.
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Daniel.

ArbreMonde wrote:My personaladvice would be to tell the host that there is something the Little needs to discuss with the therapist AND the host during therapy session. That it is important to do it with the help of the therapist because it is not your role to do it, but still it is important that someone helps everybody inside to communicate.

And that you thank the Little for their trust in you.
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Daniel.

Thank you very much for the reply Daniel!

Yes I thanked the little (well not too little, I guess he's around 22 or 23. The abuse continued from 7 years old to around 22... my SO is 40 now) for the trust and for protecting everyone. Since he's already adult age and he's so convinced the host 'is a pussy', he refuses to share memories with the host quite firmly.

Once he told me he would be present at the therapy session because he thought people tend to ignore them while they are actually there, it should be for everyone. However, eventually he still didn't participate. (on a side note: he used to ask the host for permission to come front but recently they figured out a way to put the host to sleep directly so now the host cannot influence their presence anymore) Many years ago they had therapies too. The Young did present but only gave unimportant information to mislead the therapy...

But anyway, I will consider your advice and mention to the host and his therapist at least they need to try to communicate with the Young.

Million thanks! Happy new year to everyone!

It's kind of a tricky situation. Each person has their preferences about it. Even each alter can have their own preferences.

I know some system and hosts who would want to be told that kind of information.

In my system, if an alter says something to an outside person the rest of the system don't know about it, we would prefer not to be told without the permission of this alter. It's about feeling comfortable enough with the rest of the system. If one of us doesn't trust us enough to share something, even with the support of an outside person, then we would prefer to work on that trust before asking them to share anything traumatic. Because sharing traumatic memories can be really hard, and it's better done in a trusted and safe environment.

So I would add to ArbreMonde's suggestion to ask the young alter if it's okay to talk about it to the host before doing anything. Maybe it's something he doesn't feel comfortable enough to share with the host and/or the T because he doesn't trust them enough yet, and they all need to work on that before digging into traumatic memories.

And also to ask the host about what he wants you to do in this situation.

i agree with the prior responses. it also might be too difficult for the host to hear about those things, so if they aren't in a place where they are able to hear about it, it could cause more issues. usually, alters will share information with the host when the time is right for them. it could be through images, emotions, etc. as a way of communicating it.

@Dwelt @Purplesky Many thanks for your advice!

I think what you said relates very much to our situation. I did ask the Young, and he replied, nobody needs to know. He asked me to keep it a secret from anyone. But I know the host would really like to know, that's why he sees the T. He wants to figure out what exactly happened to him, why they are in his head messing with his life (he's been fighting with them, mainly the Young, recently, because of some disturbing behaviors. But now I understand it might be caused by the Young trying to numb himself from all the memories. He couldn't help crying so much when those memories pass his mind. The host also told me sometimes he just suddenly starts crying and feels so dark and just wants to disappear, but he has no idea why. I guess it's like an emotional overflow from the Young).

At the same time, I feel so sad for the Young. He has such a heavy burden on him and endured so much for the host but all the host knows is how Young's messing with his life. He doesn't show any gratitude, which is understandable because he doesn't know, and he's blaming the Young all the time, which only makes things worse. I really want him to know that Young has done an incredible job protecting him and saving his life. And then maybe he can convince the Young that he's not a kid anymore, that he's strong and wise enough to slowly receive memories now. It would be so beneficial for building trust between them. But maybe this is gonna be the next, next step?

For now, Young is still heavily traumatized, so I guess it's safer to stabilize his situation first and then let him share memories with the host when he feels confident and comfortable enough to do so.

In summary, I will ask and discuss with the host in case Young shares memories with me what we should do. I will meet his T recently anyway, maybe I can mention that it'll be helpful talking with the young, suggest him to guide the session in that direction. And if I get another chance to talk with Young, I will share with him how I see the host now as a wise grownup man. I hope that sounds reasonable and safe enough?

Again, million thanks!!! I'm really happy and grateful to have found this community
Inkieta

At the same time, I feel so sad for the Young. He has such a heavy burden on him and endured so much for the host but all the host knows is how Young's messing with his life. He doesn't show any gratitude, which is understandable because he doesn't know, and he's blaming the Young all the time, which only makes things worse.

Well, this explain well why the Young doesn't want the host to be told. If the host already treat him like his a bad element without knowing his past, he might feel like once he'll know, he will hate him even more.

Some people have been told the abuse they lived is their own fault. Some alters don't need to heard that to think they deserved it, to already think they are a bad person.

It seems they need to work on cooperation before anything else.

For now, Young is still heavily traumatized, so I guess it's safer to stabilize his situation first and then let him share memories with the host when he feels confident and comfortable enough to do so.

Yup, you're right.

In summary, I will ask and discuss with the host in case Young shares memories with me what we should do. I will meet his T recently anyway, maybe I can mention that it'll be helpful talking with the young, suggest him to guide the session in that direction. And if I get another chance to talk with Young, I will share with him how I see the host now as a wise grownup man. I hope that sounds reasonable and safe enough?

Seems reasonable to me. But for the last part, the Young isn't going to believe you if the host doesn't act like a wise grownup man with him.

I don't know if it will be helpful for your SO, but something that helped me to understand how to build cooperation in my system was those videos : Five Steps to Cooperation

Thank you so much Dwelt.

That's true. I didn't realize Young might think the host might hate him more... He does see himself as a pure bad person and I've been telling him whatever happened before wasn't his fault and that he's definitely adorable. But seems it'll take a really long time to change his mind.

Thanks for the videos! The host also told me he needs to find a way to communicate with them and hope they can cooperate. I've sent the link to him. Hope it helps

Have a great day!

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Inkieta