Dating Other Systems?

They wanted to ask you guys if anyone has every successful dated another system. They want another superhuman like us, and most of us want a singleton instead for the stability. Since I'm the one here now, I will post for them. Any feedback or opinions on the subject are more than welcome. Thank you.

Julie

I have successfuly and un-successfuly dated other dissociative people. Here are the why it worked and why it did not.

***********************CONTENT WARNING MENTION OF ABUSE.***********************








Undiagnosed DID person with blackouts.

I was undiagnosed at the time though aware of my trauma, c-PTSD, memory issues, identity fluctuations (I identified as otherkin + "channel" back then). He was in deep denial of trauma (mine and his) with a lot of blackouts.

I trauma-bonded to him to escape the family's clutches. He kept pushing me towards them, then to him, then towards them, then to him... He was a control-freak towards me. His behavior was inconsistent, his blackouts made it worse. He was abusive when some of his abuser parts took over then forgot all about it later on. His child parts forced me to be his "mommy". He kept acting abusive due to his triggers, without respecting mine. His denial of my trauma, needs, boundaries... was the only consistency. He was able to forget all about me when some of his "playing with my friends" parts were activated. Then when his "I want a dating interaction" parts were activated, he was unable to respect any boundary and ended up being abusive. This in turn kept triggering our freeze and fawn trauma responses, and re-traumatizing us over and over again. Most of the time it sounded like he was dating his family and we were only the side-toy as well as the housemaid.

I broke free when he tried to tear me away from the life I had built in a city, in order to move into his brothers' old appartment next to his parents' so that he could see his family all the time (and I was forbidden to see my friends ever again). I told him to do as he pleases because it was over. I had to comfort his child part and deal with his aggressive part after that, in fast switching. Oh joy...

Conclusion: ZERO STARS DO NOT RECOMMEND.

Undiagnosed DID person with spiritual interpretations of his DID.

I was still undiagnosed for DID though starting to try to find rational explanations for my state. He was aware of the traumatic event (CSA) though not of the traumatic consequences upon himself (he kept justifying it and pretending the aftermath of people discovering it was worse than the CSA and that CSA was good for children's development), and giving his DID a spiritual interpretation.

This one turned into an abusive cult leader. He was loosing himself into his spiritual interpretation of the DID. The more time went by, the more he was all about demonic possessions, channeling angels, etc. He used his angel alters to manipulate others (especially former victims of child abuse) into submission and the re-enactment of their traumas under healing pretenses. He was always right, because he channeled angels, was the reincarnation of Jesus and Lucifer, the savior of humanity, God incarnate, a faith healer, and whenever something happened around him that was against his will, it was due to demonic possession and the person opposing him had to be exorcised.

He started getting interested in DID because of some voyeurism about CSA and ritual abuse. From then on, he started seeing CSA and ritual abuse everywhere, and started seeking potential survivors trying to trigger them. Including me and his girlfriend / future wife. He tried to give us false memories of abuses by people who never abused us, just because it would match his pedo fantasies and give him more leverage.

He also manipulated me into dating his girlfriend, some of his guy friends, etc. (this is of course an euphemism *cough*)

Conclusion: ZERO STARS DO NOT RECOMMEND.

Undiagnosed DID person diagnosed bipolar and given schizophrenia meds.

The girlfriend/future wife of the previous one. A manipulative beach. Used her disability to manipulate others into acting like her maids. Guilt-tripping everybody all the time. Anger issues. A lot of trauma-related hallucinations. Things had to go her way, else she would turn into a raging toddler. Lots of memory issues. Very easy to manipulate given the right triggers were pressed - and she seeked to have her triggers pressed. Super unstable, changed opinions and behaviors on a whim and people around had to follow her or else, toddler rage.

Under the manipulations of her boyfriend, started believing herself to be the new Virgin Mary, a Buddha, possessed by demons, able to speak Arab (it was gibberish and did not sound like Arab at all), an oracle/seer, the survivor of ritual CSA by Freemasons and her parents. (She did have a traumatic childhood but due to brain damages early on followed by a long hospitalization with no contact with her family, as well as school bullying due to the visible consequences of the brain damage.)

One day she flipped out and yelled at me that she did not love me anymore and that my feelings/emotions were not legitimate/valid. This allowed me to break free from her and her boyfriend/fiancé.

Conclusion: ZERO STARS DO NOT RECOMMEND.








***********************END WARNING.***********************

DID person aware of having DID.

I met the system "Team PSI" while we were still "dating" the crazy couple. It was odd at first because "Team PSI" kept giving spiritual interpretations to their situation. But it was more "down to earth" than the crazy ones, more of a "I have a spiritual world inside of me" and less of a "I have spiritual and magic powers for real in the physical world".

Our first try at dating was a disaster. We were unstable leading to ambivalent attachment. Moreover, "Team PSI" tried to replicate with us what she was taught by her own ex's to do, that is: role-playing the Innerworld as the only way of dating. This made the dissociation worse for both of us. My security system broke it off and the less emotional parts on both sides did their best to keep our systems in touch despite all the bitterness and all the un-anchored delusions.

After a while things became more stable. Apologies started to be made. Decisions were taken to never tangle our Innerworlds again. We started reading more about DID, the do's and dont's, the risks of being unanchored, how to balance the Innerworld subjective aspects with the physical world's objective aspects. We started seeking therapy and healing. We gathered therapy skills and used them to have a healthier relationship. We gave each-other support and helped each-other gain stability and safety.

This made my system's healing process, way easier than all by myself. "Team PSI" 's stability has increased (they still live in a traumatic / triggering environment so healing is not yet possible for them).

Because we were stable enough, we decided to pick the relationship back up where we left it - but with healthy boundaries this time, and new, healthier ways of interacting.

Conclusion : when the two systems are stable enough and offer each-other safety and stability, it can work. Especially if they have the common goal of getting better. FIVE STARS TOTALLY RECOMMEND.

***

I hope this experience that I/we have will help you better decide if you are stable enough to engage with another, stable system, or if you should better seek a singleton to avoid the catastrophe of dating an unstable one.
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Daniel.

we won't date anyone with DID. too much room for unhealthy dynamics that will be hard to even keep track of because a lot of that is dissociated. We currently wouldn't even consider a relationship with a singlet beccause we feel like we don't have our $#%^ together enough to be a decent partner.
I think if someone refuses to have a relationship with a healthy person, you better check what is going on there.

@ArbreMonde **Possible Trigger Warning**

I can understand very well how alters can manipulate and deceive other alters and hosts into believing their nonsense. We just experienced that while going through this whole discovery process. We only just found out a little over a month ago that we in fact have DID and none of those other diagnoses. We sort of fell for that one for a minute there. Still concerned we may have a legit parasite and unintentionally assigned the demonic alter to it. We're getting that checked out, just to be safe.

I can absolutely understand how these sorts of delusions arise. Perfectly understandable with a complex community in your head. Perfectly understandable for others to fall victim to other systems delusions, as well. On the other hand, there is a noted correlation between people with DID and the rare instances of the presence of forms of ESP. We have some, and that is a proven fact. Everyone who has ever been a part of our life knows this about us. It's weird and creepy, but is what it is.

Without confirmation from other sane individuals in our environment, we would also question the legitimacy of those notions, bcuz we recognize how easy it can be for us to deceive ourselves now. We're keeping close watch on our beliefs while dissecting all of this, and keeping an open mind to all rational possibilities. We're very intelligent, well educated, and rational people. Considering that, we debate amongst each other in the hopes to find a better understanding of ourselves separately and as a whole.

Just wanted to add that, bcuz we know a lot about the studies that have been conducted as of more recent decades into the scientific basis behind concepts like ESP, bcuz so little is understood about it. We are a theoretical physics major on hiatus, so we are more inclined toward evidence and repeated experimentation with proper controls. We have a lot of defenses built up to protect us from influence of others and their potential delusions. So, long story short, we're studying us and want to join a study and get some fMRIs done on various alters.

We're a very well fortified and heavily guarded system(s), but we avoid all people who can potentially be damaging or toxic to our life and well-being. We won't even date a singleton who is not good for us and we are very picky women. We've never met a man who met our standards and qualifications and we've known millions in all reality.

Which is why some of us think we could find what we seek in another like us. We are not at that point of stability yet. We're not allowed to date until that time. We have a lot to figure out still and need to focus on us rn.

At the same time, they just want to know if it is possible bcuz what we require in a man seems mythical, and they feel discouraged and want to know where to look when they are allowed to date. We require stability and consistency, yes, and we must also be capable of the same. Until that time, the focus is on understanding our selves and others with DID better, and helping aid in research as much as possible. We have a very significant case, and it is important for us to get into a study and help as much as possible.

I appreciate you sharing these experiences, bcuz all we have heard so far, is "don't do it, it's bad." Many selves don't feel they can be comfortable dating a singleton again now. I sort of agree that may not be best for them. We got a good chuckle out of the "zero stars. Do not recommend." LOL

Sorry to hear about the experiences you've had. That sounds horrific and traumatizing, and we're so happy to hear you are doing well now and stable. It is so important to deal with and face this condition in order to heal selves and live a healthy, functional life. That is all we have ever strived for, was to improve ourselves and our life. It has been a long uphill battle, for sure... until now.

Now we have an opportunity to have what we have always wanted, and to be secure in that. We will not allow this opportunity to pass us by bcuz it is difficult and uncomfortable and incredibly painful. Nothing worth anything in life is easy, and we now have a newfound appreciation for our selves and our life with one another. So, we have created a loving and supportive environment within us to work through everything which lies ahead of us, and we're more than happy to rise to the challenge, bcuz this is our life. We were dealt this hand in the game of life, and have played it with a quarter deck until now. Now, we are playing with a full deck. Now we have everything we need, bcuz we have selves. Selves have always protected each other and loved one another, and always will... even though sometimes they don't like each other.

That is changing. Our selves are growing and understanding one another on a level they never have before. We can never fuse, bcuz we have never been 1 person and wouldn't even know how and do not want that for our life, but we can have peace and harmony and be diplomatic. We can compromise and turn this community into a democracy, which we basically already have over the last few weeks.

When you have the population of a town in your head, that is no small feat. We are very proud of all selves. It was refreshing to hear that someone else, other than us, agrees that a stable, nurturing, supportive relationship with another system is possible. Happy to hear that. The negativity about this subject seems irrational. Under the right conditions, it not only seems entirely feasible, but also seems like the best option for us in particular. It will be interesting to see how we evolve through this process and what will come of it all along the way. We're very excited to be embarking on this journey, together finally.

Sid, Foxy, and Julie

-- Tue Dec 28, 2021 10:50 am --

birdsong87 wrote:I think if someone refuses to have a relationship with a healthy person, you better check what is going on there.

Not having DID, does not make a person healthy. They do not want a singleton bcuz they can never truly understand us and we won't have that. I entirely understand both sides of this debate, and what Liz and I say goes, and they know it. We will not allow them to ever have another unhealthy relationship. We've ended 5 engagements on them and numerous relationships. They know better.

In light of ArbreMonde's experiences and advice, we will seek another system when we are stable enough and ready for a relationship. I appreciate you sharing your perspectives and it has been helpful to see the differences of opinions for us to consider. Thank you for sharing.

Sid

Well, some singletons CAN understand DID. But it is also important not to see one's partener as one's therapist. A partner can help and provide support but they must never be the sole and only anchor into the world. A partner is an independant adult and needs to be treated as such. It goes both way: if your date does NOT treat you as an independant adult, escape ASAP. Check that your behavior is stable and respectful towards your partner, and run if your partner's behavior is unstable or disrespectful in order to keep yourself safe.

It is better to be stable enough to form secure attachment, before trying to date seriously. It does not matter if one is multiple of a singleton: secure attachment is needed in order to have a safe and healthy relationship. Including between two singletons.

Moreover, it IS possible to fuse even if you started dissociating from birth. A lot of fusions happened in our system, some started to happen in Team PSI - all spontaneousely - despite both our systems being dissociated since birth / never started to integrate during childhood. Wishing to engage into functional multiplicity rather than final fusion is a legitimate and valid therapy goal. But you never know what spontaneous fusions can happen when you are ready for it and don't know it yet. David (a part of the whole me-Daniel) a few months ago would be all about never wanting to fuse ever and look at me now. Fusion is way less scary that what we think it to be - when we are ready for it. It IS scary and anxiety inducing when we are not ready for it. The best is just to follow the stabilization and trauma-healing therapy and let hypothetic fusion happen spontaneousely when the system is ready, without forcing nor refusing it. Just like a flower "feels" when the conditions are right to bloom and only does it at this moment.

There is wisdom in the system. Trust it. (But there is crazyness too and that one needs to be kept in line. Good luck knowing which is which.)
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Daniel.

I... I can't keep my mouth shut about this. With DID, you're not a "superhuman".
It's nothing particularly special, it's just a trauma response.

As for dating, I would never set out with the intention to date another system. It would get way too complicated, way too quickly.

It's kind of an unspoken rule in our system, to never date someone with DID or any complex dissociative disorder. We were raised and lived around people with complex DD and complex traumas all our life. We know that even the most well-intended person with complex trauma can sometime display abusive, manipulative or violent behaviors because of various reason (trigger, not knowing it's abusive...). We can handle that in a friendship, but we don't want that risk in an intimate relationship anymore.

By the past, I dated people with DP/DR and deep attachment issues. It never ended well because of the traumas, unhealthy attachment and behaviors of everyone. I had friendships with people with DID which ended because of the same things. With all the things I know now, I would be able to handle those relationships differently, but it would be so much work... I don't want that.

The best relationship I ever had was with a singleton with DP/DR and few attachment issues. We were best friends, unexpectedly developed feelings for each other and dated. It was really nice and balanced. The few issues we had were easily resolved by talking. We finally broke up because of the distance and his attachment issues being worsened by family drama, but we dealt with it in a mature and adult way, and even if it wasn't a positive experience, it was balanced enough to lead to some healing and integration in my system. He and I are still best friends, and he's still the person I/we trust the most on this planet.

But aside of that, I know two friends with DID in a relationship with another person with DID. They are happy, and even if their relationships imply a lot of work, they seem to function well.

I think it's all about finding the right person for you. It might be someone with DID, it might not. Both are okay.

@ArbreMonde lol good luck indeed! Omg it can be such a nightmare sometimes! Attempting to distinguish that alone feels like it will drive us crazy sometimes. *Rolls Eyes*

We're not going to set an unrealistic goal for ourselves. As far as we have read, they don't consider it a fusion unless it takes for a certain time. We have lots of alters that are barely distinguishable from each other, and we were just talking with selves tonight about hoping they spontaneously fuse to cut down our number. That would be ideal. Most are virtually useless selves and I am sure we will find many more. They seem like "placeholder" personalities that stepped in while everyone else was just stuck in shock of traumas. They seem very basic like NPCs.

A final fusion with all of us, is just very unrealistic. We're not fighting anything, but just don't want to seek it as a goal. We are multiple now, so striving for healthy functional multiplicity is more than attainable.

No, we have very low tolerance for people in general. And no man will ever treat us like that. We would literally laugh at them for trying and have lol. Yeah, that's not how that works. And we are not looking for a man to be a therapist... just to understand us firsthand, not secondhand. That is not really understanding. It is an outsider speculating on how they can imagine it must be like to live with this condition. "Secure attachments" aren't much of a thing, bcuz they F up with us and we run for the hills. Sid & Liz are asexual and Liz has attachment disorder & avoidant personality disorder. There is no getting beyond that, sadly. We don't believe Liz will ever get over those trust issues and she can't be touched by people. It's complicated. It will immediately cause a switch.

I don't know, I don't know what we will do. Not a clue. All I know is we are far from ready. Despite the fact we make very rapid progress, we have a lot to sort out first. It's all about the priorities, and self-care and personal well-being should always remain a person/systems primary focus, even in a relationship.

Not sure who I am and the beginning was coauthored, but we all equally share that sentiment. First name that came to mind was Caroline. So I suppose that's my name now.

-- Wed Dec 29, 2021 5:01 am --

@Fireheart Your opinion is duly noted. We disagree bcuz we have a self for everything and a gagillion things we specialize in. We're not saying ALL people with DID are that impressive, but we are and we want one like us. Be he a singleton or plural. We can set out to date whomever we like. That is well within our right, just as it is yours. Food for thought. Chew on it.

Danny

@Dwelt Couldn't agree more. It really is about what's right for us. We're not playing mommy to some Littles, but we can offer comfort in times of need. We're not playing therapist, but we can be a listening ear and give healthy advice. Can we be abusive? Yeah, sometimes... They're gonna go to therapy about that. We've got them to the point to at least swap us out in the situations. They almost ranted on a post here and swapped out Doc & Foxy instead. So, they even selected the right alters for the job. Wise choice. Then they went and ranted in our vlog to get it off their chest.

We let selves express themselves now, but not at the expense of others or our interpersonal relationships anymore. They mostly go apeshit about abusive people and behaviors & stupidity & ignorance. They do also recognize they are a bit irrational with it AND their responses. All adults have agreed to therapy for our common goal. Even Skye, our 11 yr old ball of rage is reluctantly going to engage in therapy now and anger management. Victoria will deal with her insecurities and narcissism even though she has no desire to. All selves understand the importance here. This, just as our condition, is crucial to our continued survival and success in life. All acknowledge this. It will be a horrible process, but we will be there. And it will all be worth the work and effort.

All relationships require effort, hard work, and continued maintenance to be successful and healthy. We are more than willing to work for happiness. We always have and now we have a real opportunity for it and are not allowing it to pass us by.

Julie