A littleprogress...a little more confusion... advice pls?

Sorry it's a bit long....

ok so I think I know who I am in real world terms as found some old paperwork.

I'm not using my real (current) legal name here but lets just say the birth name was Caroline. 'I' (as in me typing right this minute known as Yuna on here) can see that 'Caroline' was my childhood self.

I seem to be the one who decided I didn't like that birth name so changed it, keeping some of it so family could still call me by their nickname... lets say I changed it Carol-Ann so parents/siblings could still call me 'Carrie' for short however at college 'Ani' became my nickname.

so now we have

Caroline/Carrie (before legal name change)

Carol-Ann (Carrie or Ani) - after n. ch

Ani becomes the dominant nickname and seems to become a different personality from 'me' who first used Ani as my nickname. The 'Different Ani' becomes the dominant personality/front for many years through college and working years.

Over the years family members pass away or we lose contact with the extended family so only one sibling knows 'Caroline' existed but they were so young they can barely remember and for most of their life we have just been 'Ani' to them. ...'Caroline/Carrie' becomes the 'the secret self' lost in the present because no-one knows she existed.

Then the internet comes along, (well..into our daily life!..we were late getting into SM) Again we don't want to use our real name so Ani becomes Anika so we don't have to say what 'Ani' is short for (Carol-Ann now legally - at least in this example!). checking in daily on SM 'Anika' becomes the dominant personality for many years meeting new friends who have only ever known her as Anika.

Then a stroke happens..Anika shuts down....The 'different Ani' has vanished (the personality between me and Anika) I find myself once again at the front for the first time in many years. I know I am 'Carol-Ann' because that is the legal name now (in this example) and the first thing hospitals do if you awake from unconsciousness is check that you know who you are! .('can you tell me your name?' )

There are thoughts I'm not sure are mine telling me what to say so can get home as quickly as possible, but the body can't speak.(at least it couldn't initially..it's slowly coming back now) I eventually learn these thoughts come from a protector and a spirit guide, we all feel familiar to each other but none of us knows our names, other than the 'legal name' which is the only one we must tell people right now.

Now suddenly all the others have vanished I mean Caroline, Carrie,the 'different Ani' (who overall fronted for most of the bodies adult years) and Anika... I (Yuna) represent the 'Carol-Ann known as Ani' for short in this example. I see 'Carrie' as me and 'Ani' but the first 'Ani' ,not the one who went on to become an entirely different persona.

To distinguish me I would prefer to go back to using the nickname 'Carrie' but the only sibling I have left now, only remembers me as 'Ani' and probably doesn't want to have tell everybody their potty sister has decided to change their name again! So at least in the real world I'm stuck with it.

I don't mind it as a name (with no emotion attached to it) but am becoming increasingly more aware that other people have a very different expectation of who 'Ani' is (in their mind' Anika' who they are just calling Ani for short) or the 'different Ani'. (lets call her DA to distinguish her as different from 'me)

I'm getting contacted by people from Social Media (or DA's life) asking what happened to Anika? ..did she get Covid? Am I (the other person looking for her) talking to Anika or are you a family member looking after this account? why has no-one announced what's happened to Anika? etc

I (as Carol-Ann) reading the messages find myself thinking 'I don't know these people!' ..who are you? why do I have to justify to you why I'm not talking under the other account? (which I've found I just don't know what Anika's password was so have never used it). I'm not Anika..I'm not who you are looking for!

so what do I do now? I'm assuming none of these people know about DID and now feeling I guess must have it if I see 'Anika' as someone seperate to myself?

Could the earlier incarnations of 'me' have all blended/fused with me during the stroke? Is that why I can see Caroline, Carrie, Carol-Ann and the first 'Ani' as me? ....but not Ani as in Anika who came to exist long after I was last fronting daily? ..or DA who went on to develop a completely different personality/lifestyle under 'my name' (well I am the one who originally CHOSE the name change!)

If anyone can explain or offer a theory I'd be most grateful as feeling very confused about what are my obligations to these real life people who I don't remember but they 'know me'? ...as I now actually feel scared of life 'going back to normal' (ie after I don't have to shield any more) and having to deal with (some of them) face to face again with no memory or feeling about our relationship and how close I should be acting towards them?

Yuna

There are many many different things that could have happened!

The other ones might be "sleeping" because of the brain damage.

They might be "stunned" and have trouble gathering enough of their wits to front or communicate with you.

They might have been "re-shuffled" (imagine a lot of Potato Head toys who start with their eyes mouths etc. properly in place, and get shaken to the point that all the pieces are separate: you can either try to put the original Potato Heads back together, or just go with the flow and re-make new ones with the scattered pieces).

Or tons of other things I just cannot imagine right now.

Since it's "normal" to experience behavior changes following a stroke, I think it is safe to say you are the same person the ones from SM want to talk to but, you react differently because of the stroke and memory issues. But that is only if you feel safe enough to share this personnal health information of course.

Tons of moral support!
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Zamiel.

Just as a possible for why you don't feel connected to da and Anika maybe they split from someone else? We have 2 littles which both have their own splits.

Little f and little m both date back to the origanal trauma, little m had the protector and persecutor split from him little f had most recent host, fragment and caretaker split from her. The alters from little m are able to communicate much better with each other, they can just know how the other is feeling by thinking about them. Like a gut instinct. But and alter from little f can't know how an alter from little m is feeling unles they find them and physically talk to them.

ArbreMonde wrote:There are many many different things that could have happened!

The other ones might be "sleeping" because of the brain damage.

They might be "stunned" and have trouble gathering enough of their wits to front or communicate with you.

They might have been "re-shuffled" (imagine a lot of Potato Head toys who start with their eyes mouths etc. properly in place, and get shaken to the point that all the pieces are separate: you can either try to put the original Potato Heads back together, or just go with the flow and re-make new ones with the scattered pieces).

Or tons of other things I just cannot imagine right now.

Since it's "normal" to experience behavior changes following a stroke, I think it is safe to say you are the same person the ones from SM want to talk to but, you react differently because of the stroke and memory issues. But that is only if you feel safe enough to share this personnal health information of course.

Tons of moral support!
__
Zamiel.

Good Morning! Thanks for answering. I have been trying to do a bit of research (my focus and concentration levels are not what they used to be!) but have found that although in general memory loss due to things like stroke or other brain injury (such as from a car accident) are considered different to Dissociative Amnesia, a 'medical event' could trigger dissociative amnesia if 'medical trauma' was experienced in childhood.

I now think the not knowing everyone's name is maybe a protection thing? if we couldn't remember them initially then we couldn't accidentally say anything 'strange' that may lead to outsiders discovering them before I was aware of the need of secrecy? ..so they could be 'sleeping' so they couldn't come forward at a wrong moment,, but why wouldn't they have been 'woken up' once we were safely home and back in a position where we aren't seeing people and they could safely come out?

I hadn't considered the 're-shuffing' though! ..so does that mean they aren't there to come forward because parts of them are missing???


Regarding the RL people of past host's relationships.... I realise they only see one physical body and if I were to say 'Anika had died after a stroke' they would immediately think this physical body had died..I get that...but I still have the feeling that 'Anika isn't me and neither was DA' and seem to struggle to get past this to find any desire to communicate with with them...From my viewpoint if I were to ..I'd feel like I was pretending to be 'Anika' in her absence.

I have ignored these communications up to now thinking Anika will be back soon to deal with her friends but she doesn't seem to be doing and they are getting more insistent and demanding.

Yuna

Eliseahorse wrote:Just as a possible for why you don't feel connected to da and Anika maybe they split from someone else? We have 2 littles which both have their own splits.

Little f and little m both date back to the origanal trauma, little m had the protector and persecutor split from him little f had most recent host, fragment and caretaker split from her. The alters from little m are able to communicate much better with each other, they can just know how the other is feeling by thinking about them. Like a gut instinct. But and alter from little f can't know how an alter from little m is feeling unles they find them and physically talk to them.

Hello! Thanks for answering!

There maybe something in this? I hadn't thought of this. Maybe that's why 'I' feel no connection to DA or Anika's 'friends', because they came from a different split? I guess I never came 'up front' when they were out specifically to communicate with 'their friends' ...so I'd have no memory of who they were and why they felt connected to them?


Maybe then Juno, the protector and spirit guide who I have been able to communicate with from the beginning are somehow connected to me and my past life as 'Carol-Ann''? Could we be some kind of 'sub-system'? ..maybe we always operated in this manner (not fully switching between us but blending and passive influence?) it would make sense considering the last time I was fully out fronting daily I was busy working and university and had no idea that DID even existed.

I don't remember 'talking to others' (inside) or switching back then but I do remember having the belief that I could 'sense' my mothers spirit and would talk to her and let her 'come in' so I could feel her presence (my mother died in my late teens). And now I mention it, it feels similar to when Juno and I do 'dual-control'


Yuna