Been Awhile... Still Questioning... Possible *TW*

So it's been awhile since I've ventured here. I've since gone through drastic changes including but not limited to planning on coming out to my parents about being Trans (FTM). My symptoms of dissociation are varying from experiencing none to experiencing alot all at once. FYI I dont remember if theres a way to spoiler tag things on here if there is please someone tell me how to do it.

For a long time ive been questioning if I really am a system or if I'm simply making things up. And when I try to speak in my head all I get is a mix of yes and no. I already have a tendency to overthink things and hearing that I might be faking it is really sickening. I know how much people hate people who pretend to have a disorder for attention and I always fear that I'm going to end up like that. I don't want to be the person whos craving attention or being overly obsessive about things.

TW Self doubt

It feels like I doubt myself alot and I think that stems from my previous obsessive behavior around mental health as a whole. I never really thought about the consequences of what having a dissociative disorder would be like and I think I'm scared to admit that I was wrong about everything. I have alot of fears surrounding being or possibly being a system. I dont experience the symptoms of DID but for a long time I've been noticing that I do things that I normally wouldn't even think of doing or that I feel a forceful sensation from the inside as if I'm being pushed out of something. I have been diagnosed with depression and skitsoeffective on paper but when I think about what im experiencing it feels nothing like Skitsoeffective is detailed as.

This led me to believe that I had something similar to OSDD or something like BPD. I have been informing myself on both types of disorders and have been talking alot about it with my therapist. But I just dont think shes qualified for my form of care. Theres just so much I don't know and so much I wish I had known before even remotely jumping to conclusions and honestly I wish I hadnt even informed myself in the first place. Cause by nature I am easily manipulatable and can be coursed into believing even the most ridiculous sounding things. This part of me has always upset me.

I notice too that I complain alot or talk about my experience way too often especially with friends and it causes me to freak out to the point where I question why I even bother trying to search for an answer to my inner turmoil. Theres a part of me that wishes I didn't have to experience what I'm going through. I'm sorry for rambling I just don't know what to do anymore with myself.

I don't really expect anyone to understand and I honestly dont even expect anyone to answer to this vent. But if you do get to the end of this please know that I am extremely sorry and I hope you have a nice day.
Best Regards,
Arthur

I cannot relate to looking into things and thinking I had them. For me, it was opposite, yet I had talked with people with DID (early 2000s). I actually have no idea how I came across people with DID or learned about it since it was so unknown about in those years. Even when there was more information about it in later years, I still didn't really think it fit me because my experience didn't fit 100% in any box. It more was a mix.

My experience was hearing internal voices different from mine, sometimes verbal and sometimes more thought voices. They all had their own characteristics, and I could sense their age, gender, etc. It took years for things to come more together though.

With each who came around, I only really figured they were an alter/part when they stayed consistent; otherwise, I would just think it was a passing thought, feeling, urge, etc. and not focus too much on it.

If they need something addressed, they will not just go away/be quiet. They will keep being known about until I pay attention and figure out a way to help them. It doesn't matter how okay external life is, if they need something, they will be loud about it.

I remember from a very young age they were there but had no idea what they actually were. It was just normal for me. Sometimes they were helpful, sometimes scary. As I got older, the dissociation became worse. I was always aware of things around me, but it was like being in fog or stuck in mud where my memory became fuzzy even in the moment, and it was difficult to fully have control over my body and mind.

It took many years before I would be properly diagnosed. I never knew what was happening. I thought I was psychotic or delusional. As for traumas, I always remembered some of it, but a lot there also were not memories for, but more knowing things happened with bits and pieces of images.

I can only suggest finding a trauma therapist or someone who has knowledge on dissociative disorders.

Self-doubt is a big part of DID/OSDD for at least a couple of reasons.

First, people with early childhood trauma have usually had their needs, feelings, and valid experiences denied by caregivers, so we've learned to second-guess and deny input from our minds and bodies.

Second, the disorder is meant to be hidden in order to protect us from the awareness of it and the awareness of trauma. So when symptoms come up that are hard to deny, derealization will kick in and tell us this isn't real, therefore we must be making it up.

The fact that symptoms and experiences keep coming up is very important. If you didn't keep having experiences and symptoms that suggest DID/OSDD, then you would be able to put it away and forget about it. But that's not what's happening.

I second the suggestion to work with an expert in dissociative disorders who can help you sort all this out.

I second what the Gang said. In the meantime, there is a thread here listing a few ressources about DID (self-help books as well as psychoeducation books). At the very least, you'll learn something about dissociative disorder. The book "coping with trauma related dissociation" gives exercices to help leading a healthier life here and now, that might be useful to most people even non-dissociative people (though keep in mind it was written up for very dissociative people so some of it might not be useful for you).

The thread: dissociative-identity/topic219302.html

Good luck on your journey to find the name/s of what is happening to you.
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Daniel