Grem & Co Journey Thread

ArbreMonde wrote:I'm not sure I would call the event of the screaming alter, "horror and heartbreak" since you sent them comfort and compassion, and they were so relieved by it that they cried.

Quite the opposite: I would call it a very positive moment, since you eased up their suffering and showed them that safety and comfort are possible.

Good luck with the numb toes thing. I hope it's nothing serious.
__
Daniel.

that one is a very positive moment, but i know that they were screaming about trauma that i’m unaware of, which is mostly where the ‘horror and heartbreak’ comes from. it’s honestly really sad and even upsetting to try and think about the trauma that some of my alters are holding that i’m unaware of. i try not to think about it but i know i’m going to have to deal with it some day, most likely.

-grem

Each step in its own time. First, finding stability and safety in the here and now, and sending comfort to the traumatized ones.

Treating the trauma directly will come later, once you will all be strong enough for it.
__
Daniel.

ArbreMonde wrote:Each step in its own time. First, finding stability and safety in the here and now, and sending comfort to the traumatized ones.

Treating the trauma directly will come later, once you will all be strong enough for it.
__
Daniel.

yeah, hopefully once we have therapy ^^

in other news, we finally got this 12 foot skeleton put together and now its sitting on our front porch as a halloween decoration. we’ve had it since july, and its been sitting disassembled in our living room, but we finally got it set up. mom was worried it’d get stolen, but i think that’s kind of a dumb worry to have in our neighborhood. either way, i’m glad it’s out of the house and somewhere else. it looks very cool too. a neat decoration.

-grem

oh man, haven’t been on here in a while. not a lot has happened though. we’ve just been replacing stuff in our house, and just this morning confirmed with our mother that we likely need to see a rheumatologist because apparently our extra bendy joints, joint pain and extra stretchy skin are not… normal things and are signs of EDS. whoops. there’s an explanation for our joint pain though.

we also broke up with grem’s partner. unfortunately it was that partner that was actually treating me like an adult, but… over time i’ve come to really dislike them for their involvement in unhealthy and anti-recovery mental health “support” communities that just push to make all your symptoms worse. it was bad for us, and they didn’t want to leave the communities and refused to listen to how those communities damage people, so we dumped them.

then we had a flare up of our eating disorder and didn’t really eat very much for a couple weeks, and that’s when the symptoms of what’s likely orthostatic hypertension showed up. we’ve been eating more salt in some easy snacks that don’t freak out our ED, and that seems to help though.

i also didn’t front for a few days straight and grem completely forgot about my dragonvale, and barely did duolingo while i was gone and it makes me want to bite him or something. those are important! to me at least. most of it, i was just not fronting, but i was also doing inner world things. i think because grem felt some level of !@#@.

but i came back fully today after briefly fronting once. grem had some kind of freak out last night thinking he didn’t have DID and wanted to leave every DID space he ever entered, and eventually when he went to bed, i woke up in our body, and i’ve been out all day.

i always found it so weird that grem is so hardcore into denial about our DID, but when i front, i’m so sure of it. i never really get doubt unless he’s around. we could very well be wrong about some of our experiences, (for example, we may not be polyfragmented or we may have OSDD-1b instead, whatever), but i’m pretty damn sure we have DID in the sense that our identity is pretty #### fragmented, and that DID therapy is going to help us either way.

grem is usually the one that’s reading papers and scientific literature on DID, but maybe i have to pick up the slack to tell him that what the people in these papers and literature are describing are directly things that we are experiencing, because we for #### sure are experiencing them.

pardon my french, what i usually don’t express here is my rather foul language, but i just get so frustrated with him sometimes when he goes on these denial spirals and freaks himself out. there’s not much i can do about that though.

another interesting thing is that a while back, i started to feel the results of integration—as in, breaking down dissociative barriers and starting to feel present in the world around me, lacking dissociation. i only experienced it once, but it was a genuinely euphoric experience. nothing has ever felt as real as it did then, and it hasn’t since, mostly because i haven’t been fronting as much, but it doesn’t really feel like that right now. i just wish i could experience that all the time, but at the same time it’s a little terrifying for things to feel that real. but i’m glad i got to feel it. i hope to feel it more in the future.

-kat

I see you have been making some progress since last time! Congratulations!

The denial spirals are never fun. Sometimes what helps us through them is "okay it's not dissociation, it's lack of integration - so we need integration therapy anyway, does not matter if it is labelled DID therapy of something, if it helps, it helps". Which is just... DID logic as its finest when you say "not dissociated" in the same sentence as "we" and "lack of integration". Same soup just reheated.


**************CONTENT WARNING : existentialism**************************






We had some existentialist crisis in the past, now we are at peace with "consciousness is a by-product of the brain's function, so of course when the circuits are not properly connected they create different consciousnesses, we just need to plug everything back together and voilà, only one whole consciousness will be hallucinated by our brain".






*****************************END WARNING***********************************






Which, granted, is an over-simplification of the situation. But, whatever helps, helps. Sometimes the words "DID" are difficult to look at, but the whole description of all of DID's (Or OSDD's or wherever on the dissociation scale you score) shenanigans is still acceptable to look at. It's better than to completely deny them head-on.

So, full steam ahead and, let's get back to plugging the wires back together!
__
Daniel.