Feeling constantly frustrated

Hi

Kit here! I'm finding this part of life (the body experiencing the peri-menopause) extremely frustrating cos the mood swings are constantly triggering switches even over-riding who WANTS to be out at that moment,even if they're in the middle of something!

It is new for us to be aware of this as we previously had 2 stable hosts for daily life for about 15 yrs each and of course they had to be available in the younger years cos of expectation to go to work daily or college etc. We have always been a highly covert system who managed to remain consistent as far as daily social demands were concerned.

So this level of disorganisation and been constantly triggered out by hormonal fluctuations is extremely frustrating because it is impossible to maintain a consistent 'sense of self'. We can't go on HRT and are still trying to research other alternatives..frustrating when just as you're making progress you're switched out with someone else who just wants to play Animal Crossing or colour!!

Susan has been researching the epilepsy drugs again (found the tabs on the old laptop - its slower than snail pace so can only think she used that one cos she doesn't want anyone else knowing what's she's planning) I believe she saw the post where I mentioned the others not been able to reach me in the unit when I was on them.

I think she's wanting her and M to be permanently up front thinking she can recreate what she has on the inside in the real world. Of course no-one else will be able to see M and if she were to start insisting that M really lived inside her body to outsiders we're likely to get locked up and heavily medicated!

I'm not sure what will happen there, hopefully the Guardians will take action if they believe she will be a danger to us all. It would be easier if we could stick to our rota with me and Jody during the week focusing on diet and exercise and letting the littles have some time out at the weekend or something like that. At least until we've got the hormones/mind to a more stable point.

so..yeah...just endlessly frustrating right now..

Kit

Do you not have any communication with Susan? It sound like you're making a lot of assumptions about what she wants and what she's doing without asking her and having a discussion about what's best for all of you as a whole.

Also, did everyone agree to the schedule you're talking about? If some people aren't in favor of it and are strong enough to override it, then you're going to be working at odds with each other.

Just because someone wants to be out and is in the middle of something, that doesn't mean that someone else doesn't have other priorities and wants to be out instead.

seems that profound hormonal changes are going to have a system wide effect.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Do you not have any communication with Susan? It sound like you're making a lot of assumptions about what she wants and what she's doing without asking her and having a discussion about what's best for all of you as a whole.

Also, did everyone agree to the schedule you're talking about? If some people aren't in favor of it and are strong enough to override it, then you're going to be working at odds with each other.

Just because someone wants to be out and is in the middle of something, that doesn't mean that someone else doesn't have other priorities and wants to be out instead.

There's no doubt about what she wants and Jody and I were going to all this trouble so she would have more body confidence after the incident of the birthday photo's.

-- Sun Jun 27, 2021 7:46 pm --

littleDaria wrote:seems that profound hormonal changes are going to have a system wide effect.

Yeah I'm wondering whether we should risk hormone replacement for a short time in a very controlled way just enough to reduce the extreme mood swings in the hope switches won't get triggered so often as its physically exhausting for the body and seriously impairing function on a daily basis!

As much as the thought of a hostile, drug-induced take-over sounds terrifying to me, I'd like to hear Susan's (and maybe M's) side of the sorry here.

- Marcella

*** TW mention of hospital, forced...but necessary medical treatments (briefly no details)******


Since I read 'The Haunted Self' (and I'm the only one that's read it the whole way through) I can 'see' how 'the others' are just fragmented parts and I can see why they evolved.

I believe Bobby has fused with me, maybe long before I realised and maybe why they only ever come out through me. Bobby was 'the me' at a much earlier age before awareness of the expectation to conform evolved. They stayed everything I was acutely, because I was forced to hide who I was to be seen 'to be become normal' and fit in and to not be sent away/locked up in those days.

'Little Susie' must have been my first 'social front host', who was always trying to be the 'good little girl' and trying to suppress the sensory compulsion part of her (Bobby) She was the one trying so hard to be good when we had to go to to hospital for weekly blood tests and examinations by (mostly) men ..Dr's - we never knew the names of, but trusted our mum who told us it was necessary. For the self that didn't like being cuddled or restrained in anyway, 'little Susie' must have been an extraordinary feat of strength, to remain totally calm and allow it to happen every week. As our mother would tell us 'we had no choice, our life depended on it'.

Maybe 10 was the age we didn't have to go so often? or maybe it was when the bullying really started as other children started to realise how different we really were. Maybe that's why Bobby froze at 10?

Kit


_______________________________________________________________________________________

Explanation from The Guardians/ Changeling collective

Forcing that self to hide and only ever come out when no-one else was about has actually preserved them and 'Kit' represents the adult version. Does 'Kit' represent the 'true self'? ...or do the many social masks that took over going to school, work, socialising etc? In the bodies younger days 'social life' took up most of the time and there was little time for a different non-sociable self to get chance to come out. Now life has reversed, the social masks (actually going out and interacting with others) haven't been able to go anywhere - other than walking the dog when no-one else was about and visiting with sibling/support bubble, because of the human pandemic and the 'shielding' of the physical body from contact with the virus.

'Kit' is the main personality out because there is no desire to go back to 'putting on masks' to deal with the world. 'Kit/Bobby self' have been hiding so long they don't feel comfortable being 'seen to exist' by others, not outside face-to-face in the real world so 'hiding behind a name that isn't theirs' suits them

The 'adult Susan' was just an ANP who once existed as 'teen social mask' but wants to be the front again so badly with 'her mum' as her only 'other inside' that it's believed (by the system who observe everything and can 'read thoughts') that she will find a way to block everyone else out. M' of course only exists in our inner world and is actually a complex collection of fragments put together to create 'mother' for Susan.

The changeling collective can remove 'M' if necessary and return them to the homeworld to their natural state (as M is made up of more than one changeling, not a single one that evolved as the body grew like Phoenix - who cannot return to her 'natural form')

Everyone except for Bobby/Kit are a 'human alter social front' or a changeling. Not all alters have the same level of awareness of who they are or where they came from. This is sometimes necessary to protect the alter.

The only difference now is where there was once a naive desire to 'be normal/accepted' leading to the creation of the more acceptable 'sociable alters', now there is none. Life has become too exhausting, the body has become old. We think the bodies natural menopause is responsible for this change of mindset and levels of over-whelming fatigue.

The system has decided that 'Kit' represents the true adult reflection of 'self' and whilst energy reserves are so low (chronic fatigue) and pain levels so high, the rest must be held 'in stasis' so they don't completely deplete the body's energy switching and carrying out un-necessary tasks/activities.

No alter will be killed off or fused against their wishes. They will be held seperately in 'stasis pods' temporarily until the bodies energy reserves have recovered. They will just believe they have been asleep or 'on holiday' when they come back out depending how long it takes for energy levels to recover. This procedure is deemed medically necessary right now to prevent total burnout and actual hospitalisation of the physical body.

You are all 'systems' on here, we assume you understand the need to protect and preserve your systems at all costs.

Thank you for your understanding


The guardians/system protectors
(translated via Phoenix - who will remain blended with KIt)

littleDaria wrote:seems that profound hormonal changes are going to have a system wide effect.

yeah it definitely seems to be connected to the menopause but there's not much study on its impact on autistic women.

Found this one

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7376624/

and a few blog posts on more able Aspie women (who have had partners and kids and managed 'normal lives')

Not found anything on effects of it on someone with both autism and DID.

Everyone however did mention severe difficulty with;

maintaining their 'social masks',
feeling too exhausted to do so,
or having a mid life meltdown as a result of the effort of trying to maintain it because they didn't realise that they were in per-menopause stage.

so if it can affect that in non-DID autistic women then its also bound to affect 'alters' in a DID system, possibly to the point of the body not being able to make enough energy for alters to be switching constantly?

I do have under active thyroid and also noticed it mentioning that the drop in hormones affecting thyroid function, so I'm going to contact GP and ask for them to send a nurse to take blood, cos its possible we're on the wrong dose for this stage of life. With the lockdown's its been over a year since our levels were last checked.

Also been taking a B12 supplement but maybe its not an high enough dose and in injection is needed? so that's another thing to look into. Once we have consistently improved energy levels, people can start coming back out again for short periods (at first to test how long it takes the body to recover again) or maybe just coming up front but not fully taking over till we have the health issues sorted out.

It's in everyone's best interest the body is not driven to the point of collapse again especially with cases of covid going back up again. I've seen reports that a third of patients that have been double vaccinated have still ended up in hospital and some died from this newer Indian variant. Having to go to hospital is the last place we need to be right now!

Kit

so if it can affect that in non-DID autistic women then its also bound to affect 'alters' in a DID system, possibly to the point of the body not being able to make enough energy for alters to be switching constantly?

certainly possible, we imagine a wide range of effects. our HRT very much affects things.