How to handle diff levels of stress tolerance/reactivity?

TLDR; Parts who have been pretending to be responsible, capable adults when they front, but are really young (9-10), traumatized kids, want a chance to be themselves and to not have to hide at home when close family members are around--without being told that their presence means something is wrong. (Or are we just destabilized and therefore not bothering to hide them as well, and so something IS wrong??)


I wasn't sure how to title this, but it has to do with hiding a little bit less, and having outside people notice differences as negative.

And also, if someone is fronting more often who really does have a harder time managing the ups and downs of daily life (they're more reactive), when is it just normal because they're younger, for example, or less experienced handling those things, and when is it a sign that the system as a whole is becoming destabilized in a negative way and that we might need medication, for example?

ArbreMonde wrote:

I think that people around us have seen us switch, too.

Some said it was "bad" because we "were different than usual" and we needed to "snap out of it" and be back to our usual, submissive self.

There have been legitimately very stressful outside things happening over the past 6-8 weeks, and therapy in general brings younger ones to the front, so we're always a little more "raw" after a session. We've felt more stressed in general, but have been talking about it in therapy, prioritizing taking care of ourselves, and managing essential responsibilities as carefully as possible to avoid being too overwhelmed.

And we had an experience this week where the outside daughter (adult) came over to visit a few hours after we had therapy. We were doing self-care--relaxing in bed, watching a movie, trying to settle down, and she knocked on the bedroom door (startling us, because we forgot she was coming), and came in to say hi. When she asked how we were doing, we chose to say "not very well, actually" (and became tearful) rather than hide everything, and she was very sweet and gave us a hug. Later she helped do some chores around the house, and we really felt supported and cared for.

But...she came over the next day also, for dinner, and talked to us about how it seemed like we were more "reactive" and not handling things as well as usual, and talking to us about particular medications that have helped her, and how we should consider adding to/changing what we're on to get help with handling things better, and managing stress, etc.

Bobby, in particular, felt crushed, because he had started to feel like it might be ok to show himself a bit more. He fronts often, but usually pretends to be an adult, and it would be great if he felt more accepted for who he is. He felt like the daughter was accepting him the day before, and being nurturing, but then it seemed like she was just doing that because we were stressed, and that he is just wrong for being who he is.

I mean, we're still taking care of our responsibilities--we pull it together for work, and for going out places, and for zoom classes. It seems like we should be "allowed" to be ourselves in our own home, and be able to be more real about how we're feeling. He's 10 years old and has been through a lot. Isn't it understandable to be "reactive" and to have difficulty managing disappointments as well as an adult might?

He talked more to the T on Friday than he has in awhile, and even said who he was, although the T's happy, enthusiastic reaction was a little too much for him.

We've been feeling things more in general lately, and while that makes life harder in general, since it's much easier to be numb to most things, we thought it was a sign of progress.

Yes, our new job is stressful, and the son's medical issue and his way of dealing with it (blaming us for everything) has been very stressful. I worry that we are becoming too reactive and not handling things well--so that's the other side of it.

I was just interested in people's thoughts.

Hi

We have a 10yr old Bobby but they are non-verbal and don't come out into the body fully. Most they will do is come forward in me when I'm playing Zelda to experience the game with me. Then we recreate the game on the inside in our 'Holodeck'.

We..as in 'the body'..live alone and have no dependants, except the dog! We have never told outsiders of 'our others' and use the autism that the body was diagnosed with to hide behind. (for family that know of the autism or 'Maddies physical disabilities for anyone else we have to deal with) So even if anyone did notice us behaving differently in different settings...autism causes people to create 'social masks' to fit in with normal better...or we're tired from the chronic fatigue. The 'menopause' is our new 'go to excuse' for any noticed 'unusual behaviour' for people we are not close to.

No-one gets close enough to see 'all of us'.

Personally we wouldn't admit to it, as your daughter has shown the first thing she thinks about is you need medication to 'get back to normal'. As you also work it will be difficult to find time to give your littles' time if you have family unpredictably turning up. Can you lock your front door so they have to knock or ring a doorbell? (say you were getting in the bath/shower if they turn up demanding to know why the door is locked, though surely you don't leave it unlocked all night?)

What does your daughter think you go to therapy for? Does she already know you have DID or think its for something else like depression or PTSD or something?

Kit

I just want to let you know, S.P. (right?) that I mean to responde, I'm just waiting for an answer to Kit's question of whether or not your daughter knows about the DID.

- Imre

Hmm, tricky. I am not a mother myself, so take this with a grain of salt.

To me it sounds like something that could be helped by communication and boundaries?
For example, you could tell your daughter that sometimes you have a hard time, but it doesn't mean that things are "wrong" now. And you WILL take care of it, it just needs to have space. Sometimes it's okay to just be sad or have a hard time. She doesn't have to worry and she doesn't need to take a care-taking role.
(Or you could specify some small practical ways she could help).

Same with others at home who may see you. The boundary is in communicating that you showing yourself like that doesn't mean that they HAVE to do something, you are still an adult who will take care of the younger parts (I'd probably call it "taking care of the feelings inside"). If you communicate that it is important and helpful to show whatever is going on inside a bit more, then they are likely to understand without freaking out. As long as it's clear what is expected from them and that it is not a sign of crisis.

Differing reactivity is a thing we definitely deal with within the system. We usually have older parts help the younger ones to try and manage whatever is going on. Lots of grounding and reality-checking.
As far as gauging whether the progress/feeling more is still OK, maybe you'd find this article helpful?
https://www.dis-sos.com/balancing-in-therapy/

Thanks, Imre and Kit. The example about my daughter wasn't really the main point--it was more just to illustrate what I was talking about. We're not interested in continuing to hide ourselves as much as we have before, but we're also not interested in telling people (beyond our husband and therapist) about the DID. At least not at this point in time.

Imre--we haven't used "S.P." as a name in a long time. You can just call us "Gang."

fireheart wrote:To me it sounds like something that could be helped by communication and boundaries?...Sometimes it's okay to just be sad or have a hard time. She doesn't have to worry and she doesn't need to take a care-taking role.
(Or you could specify some small practical ways she could help).

Thanks, fireheart. Yes, we basically did that when she started going on about the benefits of medication. We mentioned having decisions that we need to make, and dealing with things from the past. She asked if it was PTSD, and we said it was a little more complicated than that, and then agreed when she asked if it was complex PTSD.

It was kind of ironic because in the past when she's seen me try to help her brother with anxiety, she's been adamant about how it isn't always the right thing to try to "do something" anxiety--that it's ok to feel one's feelings and acknowledge them, without hurrying to try to "fix" them.

I'll check out that link. I'm sure I've read that article before, but not when I really needed to know the info in it!

Well, I said I'd responde, so here it goes:

It is hard as a multiple to "be yourself/-selves" and keep up appearances. I've heard of another person with DID trying to learn how to speak and act just like the host so he could be out. It didn't really work with their husband (who knew they were dissociative anyway), but I never understood why he put on a front for him. I can see where it would come in handy for their daughter, though.

It is unfair of her to defend your son but suggest medication to you. Maybe she just understands anxiety better and doesn't see a connection to that with your CPTSD? Your daughter may want you functioning at peak efficiency because, even as an adult, she still needs her mother for support, moreso than her brother, I guess. (I know you said she wasn't the whole issue, but I just thought about that.)

We do have a little experience in this area. You see, we live with our mother. She used to hate the way we spoke to her. She blamed it on our alters, even the "nice" ones. We've gone to great lengths to please her since then and it's worked. She likes our new "social mask". It doesn't wear us out, but sometimes I can see the mask slipping when we get tired. Sometimes, you just have no choice but to live up to other's expectations or there can be no peace.

Our mother is going back to working on-site again soon and we have mixed feelings about it. We will be left all alone most of the time, but that is time without the mask, time to be us. Time to dance around the house. Time so sing our favorite songs. Time to just be free. Well, we know how it feels to need time and space to let alters out and experience life where they might not be accepted otherwise. It can be hard to find that time and space. We know.

I hope my response helps you in some way, Gang. Oh, and I only said "S.P." because I read your first post for more perspective on your situation. "Gang" will do nicely!

- Imre

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Thanks, Imre and Kit. The example about my daughter wasn't really the main point--it was more just to illustrate what I was talking about. !

Sorry Kit got the 'wrong end of the stick' , she is trying to join in more but struggles to work out what is important (from the posters perspective) so tends to zoom in on the bits she thinks she understands!

I hope things get easier for you all.

Jody

Hi Gang,

Just wanted to let you know that we're reading, that we care, and we identify with a lot of what you're talking about here. The variation in our individual levels of tolerance is all over the map.

We don't have any advice, but we are reading with interest.

MDs

Thanks, MDs.

We've been trying to be better about reassuring whoever is feeling reactive and stressed that it's ok to feel that way, and then making an effort to do something caring for them. We made a point of stopping to go on the swings on the way back each time we took a long walk to get coffee, and that was a calming activity for Bobby and the younger littles.

They appreciate when we do something for them even if it might look odd from the outside. We're starting to learn that it's much more important to put them and their needs first rather than caring what some random strangers might think of us. It's obviously a trickier balance when the outside people are family members, but since they supposedly care about our feelings, and our behavior is an attempt to take care of those feelings, we don't really need to justify it beyond that.

that's really cool, taking time for your littles. we had lego time today which made several insiders happy.