BEFORE you knew you were DID ...

Hello.

I just wanted to try to explain one reason why it was so hard for me to accept I had DID: We have what I think is called an "amnesia wall." It used to make it where, when in the Front, one could only recall life-narrative memories, excluding events of things that happened deeper in the inner world. I mean, the amnesia was so complete that one didn't know one's own name as an alter, let alone that one was an alter or that there were more alters, but one did know the full legal name and all of the information needed to partake in daily life. The wall eventually became marked by a red line in the inner world. Alters had to stand behind the red line to tell us their names, memories, etc.

Many months ago, the floor of the Front caved in and we now operate from a place we originally called the Pit. The amnesia wall has shrunk so much that it is more like a ring that can move around and fit around a single alter at a time. It looks like the kind of ring you'd see in a video game around a selected unit or character.

When the ring is around a person/part, the alter can still kind of recall things from the inner world and traumatic stuff, but they can only talk about it; the memories themselves are still blocked-out. I think of it like a placenta: the mother's blood never mixes with the baby's blood, yet they can exchange nutrients and chemicals and stuff.

Can you see how that would keep us in the dark, even if we went through a change in hosts? (We're pretty sure we have had several host changes, thanks to certain differences we've noticed from one point in life to another.)

- Jada

We have come to realise that when the alter who identified with the birth name was out in the first years birth-teen, they were aware that they created different alters (as they saw it).

In late teens her mother died and she went inside so she could create her in the inner world, after this the ANP hosts who took over daily life had no knowledge of others. They were like autopilots to start with to just continue getting through life but as they stayed out longer they did develop own personalities, likes/dislikes etc and became full individuals, seperate to 'the original' (as we saw her)

After death of our own first dog the host at the time (Maddie by then) couldn't cope and it coincided with peri-menopause starting and others started re-emerging including who we called 'our original'. (called because she was the only one identified with the original birth name and the name had been changed in the bodies teens- everyone after that identified with the new legal name).

Since then everyone has known about each other but the body was in its mid-late forties, before we reached that stage and discovered it was called DID.

Jody