Kitty lover’s healing journey

Trigger warning : discussion of religion

I’ve spent all day pretending my dad doesn’t exist but hannukah is coming and it’s a bittersweet reminder -if he doesn’t exist then I don’t have my Jew card (you know the one we use to activate the Jewish space lasers :p or at least half of one ) anymore .  When I was in kindergarten and first grade my parents sent me to a Christian school because they had very small classes and thought that would be better for me . They started talking to me about different religions , probably to counter what they were teaching me and the minute I found out I was half Jewish I clung to that . I clung to it even when I kept it a secret in middle school when kids were making fun of the other Jewish kids. My parents never had the heart to tell me that at least to Orthodox Jews you can only get a Jew card from your mother until my sister was going on a birthright trip to Israel  .  But the same blood that makes me half Jewish makes me half child rapist ….. so I don’t know how to feel anymore

I understand where you stand. It is difficult to accept that the same parent who taught you nice and useful things, or gave you an important heirlom, is also a criminal towards you.

It took us a lot of time to accept that we keep "nice" things (ideas, skills, knowledges...) from people who were awful towards us. The good things do not redeem the bad ones. The bad things do not erase the good ones. Keeping the good ones while refusing the bad ones takes a lot of self-compassion, acceptance, and integration/trauma work.

Take your time. It is normal to have trouble sorting things out. The situation is complicated. I hope you can find a religious Jewish person (or even a Rabbi) (I hope I get the name right) to help you sort things out.
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The Mirror & David.

Between the fact that my sister has been having my dad come to my house like every day without asking me , and my gaming system breaking right when I was supposed to be getting a bunch of presents relating for it , it’s been a rough Christmas …..

Trigger warnings- disscussion of religion , ritual abuse
New memory - first I remembered someone , I feel like it was our “master” laughing at us for saying we were Jewish 

then I got a body memory of being shocked , and my inner kiddos said we were being schocked because we believed in god when we were supposed to believe in satan . I was probably like 5

just like that I finally have confirmation it was SRA . And all of my mixed feelings and religious confusion makes so much more sense . But I’m not letting them win . I know my plan to zoom into a synagogue service triggered these memories but I’m still doing it . I don’t think I’m ready to commit to Judaism /convert if that turns out to be nessacarry (no one seems sure about that , I think I need to talk to an actual rabbi about it) because I know I could easily swing back the other way , it’s one of those things about having a dissociative disorder , never knowing what your own mind will do next

What’s really healing to us about judaism (especially reform) to us is that their’s no one saying “if you do xyz your going to hell!” , it’s funny because although Jesus specifically said not to judge people many Christians could learn a lesson from Jews about not being judgmental . Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are some Jews who are , but the ones I’ve met online are like “you don’t eat kosher -that’s your choice “ .

-- Sat Jan 29, 2022 8:03 pm --

What’s really healing to us about judaism (especially reform) to us is that their’s no one saying “if you do xyz your going to hell!” , it’s funny because although Jesus specifically said not to judge people many Christians could learn a lesson from Jews about not being judgmental . Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are some Jews who are , but the ones I’ve met online are like “you don’t eat kosher -that’s your choice “ .

I am happy for you that you found a nice religious community where you can feel comfortable and welcome!
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Morwan.

Trigger warning -disscussion of medical stuff involving private parts
So I’ve been having some spotting between periods , and probably will see a doctor about it soon mostly to rule out a thyroid issue (I haven’t had sexual contact with anyone ,consensual or otherwise for quite some time (hopefully … with dissociation you can never really be 100% sure) so that rules out pregnancy or an std ) . So they are probably going to want to look down there at least if not do a full on speculum exam …..

CONTENT WARNING mention of private parts.



Another possibility, if you take oestrogen for reasons, is that the inner lining of the uterus has started to grow on the cervix. It can also lead to spotting. It is easily seen during a speculum exam. There is a wikipedia entry about it CONTENT WARNING EXPLICIT PICTURES OF IT IN THE WIKI ARTICLE https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cervical_ectropion CONTENT WARNING HERE TOO THE PICTURES ARE EXPLICIT




END OF THE WARNINGS




Hormonal changes can also cause this, time for the body to adjust to the new levels of hormones. I hope your medics will easily find what it is all about and that it is nothing serious!
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Morwan.

We had a trauma nightmare a couple nights ago and we’ve been feeling very on edge and easily triggered since…

Trigger warning : disscussion of child abuse
Things from my childhood that I just realized were trauma symptoms :

I was just thinking about a game I used to play where I would give my family beanie babies as “pets” and they had to follow certain rules with them , and at some points I would hit them with a pool noodle if they didn’t follow them . My mom didn’t like that. But yeah why would a child hit others to punish them if it hadn’t been done to them? My mom is definetly not a fan of psyichal punishment so I’m pretty sure that was going on behind her back , so how she didn’t see this as a sign of something I don’t know. From what I know about programming it also explains why I would sometimes tell my mom she should punish me more. Punishment is a big thing in programming .

In happier news my niece was born a week ago and I met and held her on Saturday! Gives me a good reason to stick around . She’s so cute and tiny , again I don’t understand how someone like my dad could view a baby like her as a sexual object…. Her parents are good people though as far as I can tell , so hopefully she’ll never have to go through the pain I’ve been through