Friend won't talk to "parts"

Hi. I haven't posted here in a long time because someone else has been in the front for quite a while, and she doesn't post here much (I'm going to call her 1* not because she's the first of us or something but because she's the one with most "time in service" over the last 4 years). Sorry we come and go like this but I'm guessing it's normal for a forum such as this, to a degree.

I am one of the 3 "people" who are adults in our system. None of us feel like we are the "main person" or "core" or "host." If we have that, we're not sure who it is.

One of our friends is a retired psychiatrist and we try to ignore that, because don't like p-docs as a rule (ha). But anyway, weird thing is they used to have something like DID in the past (long story but trying to keep this anonymous) - so it's not like this is new to them.

1* has been in the front fairly consistently for the last 2 years. However, sometimes we switch for an hour, sometimes for a few days, or a week or so, but 99% of the time without control or warning. About 2 weeks ago, 1* abruptly "left" (got overwhelmed by a lot of things, and triggering of old trauma). I felt like I got suddenly dropped into someone else's life...and I knew how to do everything, and knew the history of the previous time, but it felt like I was left-handed and trying to do everything right-handed...and people who we are close to I felt a bit distanced from at first, which was weird and disorienting. This is exactly what happened at the beginning of 2018 and really why I joined this forum, incidentally. It's usually only this bad when she *really* goes away.

Anyway, maybe too much backstory, but just trying to set the stage for this. We've been friends with this p-doc since 07 or 08. We didn't know we had DID until 2018 (basically, when I showed up confirmed the diagnosis), so most of our casual friendship has been with the thought that we are just one person. Friend has seemed understanding, but we've been very careful to remain somewhat casual friends. Never contacting in a crisis, or trying to unburden ourselves too much, or talk about any trauma....but we do tell them what's going on to a degree, and any current upsetting life stuff usually after the fact...no drama.

When I've been in the front I guess I never bothered telling friend I was M and not 1*. Plus, it's not like we're in contact with them all the time. Us 3 adults are similar enough that it's just not really an issue and since friend is not on our mental health team I never thought it was important. But it was important that they knew, understood and believed in DID, so I didn't have to hide things...not many people I can be that open with and we were glad to have that.

As I'm on disability, I don't have money to pay for extra therapy. This friend recently offered to pay for some adjunct therapy for us that is *super* important and healing. This has been going on about 2 months. We've been careful to talk to them about it, and that they will tell us if they can no longer do it, or whatever. Not happy having to rely on other people, but also grateful for the gift and opportunity.

So things have been going along fine, and then front person just up and leaves and I'm slammed into the front. It was so rough and upsetting, and right then that friend messaged us to ask how things were going. I didn't answer for a day or two, hoping 1* would return. After a couple days I messaged back that I was in the front, but hoped 1* would be back soon but in the meantime, how are they doing? Would love to say hi. I get this message back: "Thanks, but I will talk to 1* when she gets back." I was like, um, huh? This feels like a switch that might be weeks or longer. I wanted to tell friend this, so I said, "I've talked to you in the past and I'd love to zoom for a few minutes to say hi" and offered some times. We have zoomed fairly regularly since the pandemic. Response was the same, "Thanks, but I will wait til 1* gets back." I was super confused...like, what? The next day I saw the adjunct therapist and told her about this (first tried to keep it anon but then I ended up having to say it's this person that we both know, the one who is paying for said therapist). Therapist said "Oh, yeah, they told me right off the bat they won't interact with any of your 'parts' so I guess that's why." I honestly was stunned. Um, what? Therapist I think thought we knew that. But it's nothing we (or 1*) have ever discussed with friend.

And I was upset. It made me feel like friend felt I was a patient that needed to be managed. Or someone they needed to put boundaries around for some reason. But we've never contacted friend in an emergency, no "part" who is not an adult has ever interacted with them, nothing weird has ever happened. We've not been that close, for one thing. Also we're super clear on who our therapists and safe people are, and work really hard to have good boundaries. It made me feel horrible. But I thought, well, friend doesn't know they've been interacting with 3 adults for several years, so I just need to write an email to explain. And I did. On Monday.

I kept it light and informative, like, oh, here's what's been going on, and we weren't trying to be deceptive, just thought it didn't matter since we're all pretty much co-conscious and so alike, and there's no guarantee one of us will be in front at any time. I told them we don't have a "main person" that we're aware of. I reiterated that we all knew friend and had talked to them, and value the friendship and so on. At the end I stated that I would be happy to answer any questions, but ultimately if they still didn't want to talk to me I would honor that.

I still haven't heard back from the friend, 2 days later. I don't know if they chose not to read it since it's from me (they do email and zoom every day so it's not like they wouldn't have gotten the email), or just read it and don't care? It's so confusing. And then of course now we have the added stress of what this might mean for our adjunct therapy which has become super important right now. And lord knows we don't want some weird triangulation situation there. Parts inside are wanting to cancel the therapy so we don't have something that can be taken away, out of our control (understandable, frankly). Resisting that urge for now, but what happens if friend still refuses to talk to me, and I'm in the front for a long period of time? Will they withdraw the therapy payment? Did we lose our friend? Maybe they'll still pay but we won't have friendly contact?

Honestly I'm just so confused. Do most people with DID have a "main" person and just other "parts"? I think I recall there are one or two here who have had the experience we've had of having serial front people over time - like one for 5 or 6 years, then another one for another span of time. But none of us 3 adults feels like the main person or connected to childhood. Those connected to our childhood are still there. Surely friend is not wanting to only interact with that one if we could even figure out who it is, especially if they are a child part? I just am at a loss as to what to do - or what to think - or how to approach this.

Frankly, even if this does get worked out, I feel this is so hurtful and disrespectful that I'm honestly wondering if any of us would even *want* to be friends again. Like I almost can't imagine what that would look like. Definitely much more distance. Trust has totally been broken. But then....the therapy.

Anyone have any advice? Is our system just totally out of the norm? Is this standard practice for a p-doc to maybe refuse to deal with more than one front person? Is this some kind of therapeutic thing? I just can't even figure it out. It's like someone deciding they're not going to be talk to their singleton friend if they're feeling down, or some other thing that might change the way they interact temporarily. Am I making too much of this? But geez...especially from someone who knows some about DID...it's just...ugh.

Thanks for reading this long thing, and any advice anyone may offer. I'm so hurt, and I can't stop the hurt and worry about the future. And just...the confusion. And blaming myself for either not telling friend in the past, or that I did tell friend now, or even....for us being like this with no main person.

First of all, your feelings are completely valid and understandable, and I can't see anything in this whole story that could or should have been handled differently by you. I don't think there's anything to find fault with yourself about.

Much more is understood about DID now than in the past, and I think that friend has not bothered to update his knowledge about it. He seems to be operating under the misguided notion that there is someone in a system who isn't an alter--someone whom all the alters "belong to." Not true--all parts of a system are alters and every single one is just as important as every other one.

Also, he may have the even more non-applicable idea that engaging with these "parts" who aren't the "real" person would somehow encourage their existence and be detrimental to recovery, which he might wrongly conceive of as having the parts "go away," or "return" to being part of the "real" person.

These are all guesses--I have no idea why he won't engage with you. I don't think he meant it as a rejection of you (the plural you). He may honestly think that he's being a good friend and not encouraging worsening of your "pathology" or something. Maybe he thinks that a "part" being in the front instead of the "real" person is something to discourage, and that somehow if he says he'll wait for 1*, it's a helpful thing he's doing for you.

Did your therapist have an opinion about his attitude? Was she rolling her eyes about it or did she somehow convey that this was an acceptable way to behave toward you? And why would he even bother to say that to her? In what context was that appropriate? I hope that she at least understands that you're ALL "parts"--that there's no one who isn't a part, and once that is understood by someone, it becomes a ridiculous statement for someone to say that they "won't interact with any of your parts."

The email you sent to him sounds totally appropriate, and the most optimistic guess is that he is using this time to update his understanding about DID before he responds to you.

If the therapy he's paying for is helpful, then I agree that it's a good idea to keep going as long as he's willing to pay for it. The therapist is keeping your confidentiality, right? She doesn't have to give him updates on your "progress" as part of the deal, does she?

It's correct that you don't have control over whether or not he continues paying, but that was always true. If he views the "parts" as part of your "pathology," then he might feel even more that this therapy is needed.

I think it's also very relevant that he had (has?) DID. The capacity to dissociate never goes away, even if someone achieves "final" fusion, so I think at best someone could be "in remission" from their DID symptoms.

I wonder whether he actually had what is the recommended treatment today, or the previous kind of treatment that discouraged any kind of differentiation of alters and basically sent them all into hiding or dormancy, so that the person could believe again that they are a singleton, and just continue to deny parts of themselves. There are plenty of high-functioning people with DID/OSDD who just live their lives (whoever is fronting), keeping things out of awareness and just not dealing with them.

And I'm mentioning that because it might have an impact on how openminded he may or may not be to the current understanding of DID and the current treatment guidelines. If he was "cured" by being better able to keep other alters from fronting, then he's not going to be ok with the idea of giving equal weight to all of you and acknowledging that you all are equally entitled to this one life that you have--that you all have the right to have friends, to have your needs honored, to have a say in decisions that are made, etc.

Anyway, that's my take on all of this. I think the ball is in his court now, and all you can do is continue to be who you are.

I agree with the Gang. There is nothing else to say from our part.

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David.

I am really surprised that your friend with psychological training AND having DID themselves is not more understanding! Surely they'd know as a covert system other alters would answer for 'main host' if they weren't available at the time?

Maybe you should have just answered and pretended you were 1* ?

Not ideal I know but we have found from experience of people treating us differently (for other conditions) that even so called 'normal' people don't understand everything.

We kind of had the opposite problem once when a new alter came upfront with less social skills and from a time before 'a RL friend' had appeared in the bodies life. Our alter just refused to see the person as 'their friend' even though it was explained to them we couldn't keep avoiding them because they didn't know we had 'others' and our system seemed to feel they couldn't completely trust for it not to end up all over FB or something!

As an absolute outsider on this topic (though to view things from outside may bring new aspects?), I'd assume, to wait until 1 is back an to let him/her explain the (I think) misunderstandings between you and the friend. It seems to me, that he, for whatever reasons, don't want to communicate with anyone else then 1.

If 1, when back explains to the friend, that he interacted already with the other adult aspects of you and that you, that is to say 1, is fine with that, you maybe find a new agreement with the friend, that the 3 adult aspects are alright, for example. It seems to me, that the friend "fears" something, he associated with your other self's. (On the other hand, he paid for your therapy, knowing about your conditions, so I think that there is no reason to fear, he will stop it right now.)

Best accept his decision only to speak with 1, at least, until 1 has the chance to make new arrangements with the friend, I'd say. (And if I better shut my mouth here, feel free to say so. There is no harm that can be done to me by that. )

I just wanted to add that I have a feeling that friend won't contact you until he is contacted by 1* to say that she's back. After all, to him, getting an email from you, M, is the same as getting a text from you, and he's just being consistent about not contacting you until 1* is back.

He'll either just wait, or if it goes on long enough, maybe he'll reach out to check with you to see if she's back. You're not obligated to do anything. If 1* comes back and wants to talk to him, that's up to her. If he changes his mind about interacting with M after reading the email, that would be ideal, but I doubt he will.

There's really no way to know exactly what he's thinking or feeling if he won't even interact with you.

If you would feel better, I suppose you could send him an email every so often--every couple of months, maybe, just renewing your thanks that he's paying for the therapy, but I wouldn't address the "parts" issue with him at all. When 1* is back, she could try educating him about how you're all parts, but I wouldn't be hopeful about changing his mind.

Just try to remember that you haven't done anything wrong. This is all down to his lack of knowledge and/or denial about himself.

I cannot adequately convey how helpful all your responses have been. Gang, I read my therapist your first response and she was wowed and thought you were spot-on and it was a great perspective. She was also so happy that it had calmed me down so much. Thinking of it as them trying to help made all the difference. I still think no answer is horrible (not even "got this, but I'm still waiting for 1*") but I can see it through a lens of "I want to help" and let it go, which is all I really care about at the end of the day. And, Gang, the statement about us already not knowing if this would continue, you're so right, and thinking of it that way helps. And the adjunct therapist told us today that if that happens she still wants to keep working with us and she'll find a way if need be. That was so heartening and also just realizing it always was potentially transient in nature...and then the added thought of maybe they will have even more desire to pay for the therapy....that was helpful/hopeful. So thank you everyone. I feel really validated, comforted and helped.

Menagerie wrote:I cannot adequately convey how helpful all your responses have been. Gang, I read my therapist your first response and she was wowed and thought you were spot-on and it was a great perspective. She was also so happy that it had calmed me down so much. Thinking of it as them trying to help made all the difference. I still think no answer is horrible (not even "got this, but I'm still waiting for 1*") but I can see it through a lens of "I want to help" and let it go, which is all I really care about at the end of the day. And, Gang, the statement about us already not knowing if this would continue, you're so right, and thinking of it that way helps. And the adjunct therapist told us today that if that happens she still wants to keep working with us and she'll find a way if need be. That was so heartening and also just realizing it always was potentially transient in nature...and then the added thought of maybe they will have even more desire to pay for the therapy....that was helpful/hopeful. So thank you everyone. I feel really validated, comforted and helped.

If this therapist has contact with the friend (you said they already seemed to know some stuff) maybe they can talk to the friend and suggest they are doing more harm than good ignoring your 'others'?

A therapist who is not open to learning is not a good therapist and quite shocking if he has DID himself.

I'd be tempted to contact him as 1* just to see what he says and if he will explain why he won't talk to anyone else then decide whether his attitude is going to be more harmful than helpful to you.

I wouldn't mention this to the adjunct therapist though incase she passed that info on before you had chance to get enough info to make a decision. If they then tell you the friend told them that 1* contacted them and how they felt about it you can make a decision then whether to say anything depending on whether the 'friend' got back to 1* personally or if they said something completely different to the adjunct therapist to what they said when they answered 1*

Personally I wouldn't be able to trust the other therapist until I knew how much info was getting passed between them as surely they have to sign a confidentiality thing and can't just discuss 'cases' with other people that know their patients??