Falling in Love with Myself

[ @Mods: Feel free to move this thread if necessary. ]

As you could probably tell, things have been really active in my head these past few days. As someone recovering from trauma stuff, I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, but I'm not complaining. These past few weeks have been filled to the brim with so much insight, wisdom, and healing. It's been such a wonderful experience, all things considered. But in this thread, I wanted to express something with regards to my relationship with myself.

In this upheaval of a bunch of trauma information, I realized that I need to learn what real, true, and healthy love would look like for me. So on the inside, different parts of mine have been practicing their love languages with each other. That's all well and good, but I suppose today it was my turn to learn what love means for me as a whole. As the sun was setting, I had the inspiration to write myself a love letter and post it on another support forum. It was enough to touch my heart and soul, and I realized just how lucky I am to have a treasure like myself for life.

In the love letter, I basically expressed to myself all of the physical and internal attributes that I love and appreciate about myself. It was such a heartfelt and wise sort of letter; so much so that reading it over gave me butterflies. I don't know if that's "normal" but I also don't really care either. So for the remainder of the day, I spent some time enjoying my own company. I soaked in some bath salts, ate a delicious meal, and everything. It was so nice. But I wish I could do more than that at the same time.

When places open up again for dining in, I would love to take myself on a date of sorts. I want to visit a coffee shop and get myself something sweet to enjoy while listening to some relaxing jazz music. Even a cup of tea would do. Afterwards, I might want to take myself out dancing someplace. I wouldn't know where to go or how to execute this, but I would want to take myself someplace where I could slow-dance with myself and just enjoy my own company. Once I was done doing that, then I would take myself back home where I would sit in the backyard and gaze up at the night sky, feeling the night air brush against my skin and fill me with a most welcome sense of peace, safety, and security. Even if it lasted just for one night, I would want to enjoy that time with myself as much as possible. Again, I feel so fortunate to have a person like myself loving me as much as I do.

Today was yet another learning experience for me. I realized today that no one will be able to love me like I can love me, that there are many ways that I can show myself love, and that I am the one who has to be in charge of what happens to me in my own life. I can't depend on everyone else to make those decisions for me, because in the end, only I can know what is best for me.

There were so many wise tidbits that fluttered through my head while I was soaking in my bathtub. Most of them pertained to loving myself as I age and into the future, but also loving the me that exists right now. There were also thoughts about how I would like to live the rest of my life if I knew that I would never be in a romantic relationship and never get married. When you can answer that, your eyes really do open widely to your personal ambitions and such.

What a pity that I haven't anyone intimate to share such vibrant and in-depth thoughts with! Yet, when I think of the person I aspire to be, I see a woman who has those intimate people to share her wisdom with. She finds them in friendships, familial relations, and perhaps one day a romantic partner. It is difficult to find local friendships at this point in time due to the state of affairs around the world, but I know that I will get there in due time as long as I do not give up and continue to seek out others who have interests in common with me. It may be difficult, but certainly not impossible.

I look forward to having those intimate friendships. When such a time may come, I would like to go out with them for brunch or tea, watch movies with them, handwrite them letters on stationary paper, exercise with them, or do other enjoyable activities. Having intimate friends with which I can share my life is definitely the dream.

My partner is fond of saying something to the effect of that if you can't be content with yourself, no person in the world is going to be able to provide that for you. You sound as if you're really onto something promising. Hugs, if wanted.

@Snaga: Thank you so very much for the support and hugs. I at first thought it a bit strange that I found so much comfort within myself to be able to say that I love myself at such a deep level, but then I reflected on the fact that loving myself is not hurting anyone and seems to only be benefitting me in the long run. So if anyone were to look at me strangely for loving myself, I think I would be just fine.

In declaring to myself that I will stay by my own side, more things have opened up within my own brain. I am beginning to feel the sunlight shining through me, and I am beginning to actually believe in the fact that I do not need others to confirm the truth for me. Sometimes, I will be one of the only people that holds the truth to certain questions, and I have to make peace with it. I say this because I have been seeking answers and approval from others for my entire life, but especially during my healing journey. I have the insecurity that my own perceptions are not enough or may be fatally flawed in some way, thanks to a lifetime of gaslighting. I have the options of either continuing to be a victim in my own head, or starting to step out of the need for external approval. I choose the latter, and while I know it isn't as easy as making a resolve one time to change, I know that if I continue to be there for myself, I will be just fine.

I think it's also true that to some extent, it's hard to love others, when you can't love yourself. So, when you take Pride out of the equation, it almost is a requirement that you have to be able to love yourself, and be capable of existing (when needed) without the approval of anyone but yourself, in order to be able to be with another person in a healthy fashion.

I wouldn't say I loved myself in the way you have written but I am comfortable with my own company as my other alters will often only come out when I'm alone.

They will be in the background sometimes as if experiencing something through my eyes. one can co-pilot the body with me so we can function as like conjoined twins each controlling half the body, but they only do this when a younger teen version of 'me' comes out.

The younger ones like to come out and interact with each other when no-one is about. It was previously rare for them to be able to do that safely but with lockdown and shielding so no-one can drop in on us they've felt safe enough to come out much more frequently.

The usual ANP who was the one to attend appointments etc has barely been around cos we haven't been able to go anywhere! (that they were normally needed).

I've found I feel stronger and happier inside to know I have this 'secret system'. I know in theory it's meant to be a bad thing but no-one is sharing bad memories, everyone seems to be able to see we're at a safe point where they can come out and enjoy simple pleasures but all know if other people find out about them the body maybe forced to be sectioned then we lose the freedom they are all starting to enjoy.

so I can kind of see what you mean when you say you've fallen in love with yourself, it's kind of like embracing your system and everything that makes you 'you'.

Well, in a most surprising turn of events, it looks like maybe I was mistaken about being in love "with myself". Long story short, I discovered yet another part that was hidden somewhere in my system. It almost makes me want to laugh when I think about it, because I don't think this part is new at all. If anything... it feels as though he's been looking out for me almost my entire life and helping me to do things like love myself and choose life even when I didn't want to live anymore. He just didn't have a name or appearance that I could attach anything to, I guess.

But in any case, I'm feeling rather giggly just thinking about this situation. I think it's funny and a little bit strange that one of my parts actually ended up loving me. I mean, why me of all people? Of all the parts that exist in the system, I am the most boring. I exist as the consciousness that holds everyone together. Without me, I believe that dissociative barriers among my parts as a whole would be the norm. But with me, everyone gets to share information freely with each other, and there is no "lost time". For the longest time, though, I felt as though I was just a mask. I had no discernable personality of my own, and I only existed as a vessel for my other parts to communicate to the world through. But these days, it looks like I do have some kind of a personality that is my own. Maybe it always has, but I wouldn't know because of how much and how long I needed to adapt to the world around me.

Anyways, I have a personality now, it appears, and I think that's what this part fell in love with. Sure, he also believes that I am physically beautiful, but he's more in love with my soul, if that makes any sense. There's just something about me as a whole that he loves, and if he could, he'd want to bond his soul with my own so that we could be as close as possible. What a strange concept! But I think I understand what that would mean...

**Trigger Warning: Discussion of trauma and religion**



...But since I discovered this part's identity, I am kind of nervous about him. I don't think he would hurt anyone else, but I wonder if he might try to hurt me somehow. I say this because, if I look in my mind's eye to see how he looks, he takes the form of a human-looking demon. It makes me nervous because something about that reminds me of my childhood traumas. It's going to sound awful, but ever since I was really little, I found myself wanting to bind my soul with a demon or the devil. I know that sounds crazy, but it's what I felt. And there were certain mind-game things that I associate with this feeling as well. I'm just scared that this demon part is going to hurt me in some way, just because he takes the form of a demon in my head...

But I know he is not an actual demon possessing me or something. It's just the trauma that's messing up my perceptions of him right now... I'm just scared of the information I know he must carry on him about my traumas. I can tell that he existed in one of the deeper layers of my system because of how I wasn't able to identify him until just now. That's happening with a lot of the deeper trauma holders in my system these days. They're starting to come forward with information and memories.

I guess this is what happens when you move out on your own and are able to be fully yourself for the first time in your life. Your brain starts to expose all the #######4 and you are left standing stronger than before... so while I am a little nervous, I think maybe I'll see where this demon part leads me. I hope it's to a place where I have better self confidence, self esteem, and self love, among other things.

/Trigger Warning over

- When we are raised in religious environment, some parts can take the shape of demons, angels, and so on.

- A demonic part is not inherently "demonic". They might simply contain trauma. Some can start as persecutors and end up as protectors.

- Similarly, fictive introjects from "villains" can end up becoming very tame alters, protectors, inner self-helpers, and so on.

- Regarding "alters being in love with each-others" our system's opinion is that, it is a way of loving oneself. Of learning to love oneself at last. And it helps increasing self-esteem, seeing the positive in oneself.

- This also reminds me of a short fiction I read once. About a person living with the avatars of the seven sins - except that instead of the seven sins making the person suffer, they act like therapists. Lust helps the person get dates. Sloth reminds the person to rest when tired. Pride helps the person have a better self-esteem. Gluttony teaches how to cook nice healthy meals. And so on.

- Demons are fallen angels after all (according to some; for others, they are pagan gods). Which symbollicaly means that they have the potential to help. Therefore, I agree with your decision to see what will happen. Demons are not inherently "bad". Just like angels are not inherently "good". They have potential for both. Just like humans.

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Scar.