Rage Thread (Trigger Warning)

Anyone is welcome to reply to this thread.
**Trigger Warning for angry text and mentions of sexual assault**
(Preface: I'm getting angry about events that happened to me many years ago. I am now in my mid-twenties, in a safe situation, and working with a supportive therapist.)




This entire week has been super $#!*ing annoying and I feel just about ready to $#!*ing break something or beat up the air. I $#!*ing GET IT. WE'RE PROCESSING $#!*, but can we PLEASE have some $#!*ing chill for one day?! One day, or even just half of a day where we're not focused solely on our damn issues and traumas! That's all I ask. Is that too much for us to handle?!

These feelings of irritation and anger coming from me are not unwarranted, but at the same time, I'm guessing that this is still me processing something that's unsolved in one way or another. Like, I just wanted to have a chill day! I know it's no one's fault that we're processing all this crap, but I'm p***** off! It feels like I want to beat an imaginary someone up within an inch of their life! Of course, I'm not actually going to do that, but I'm not having this! There's something grimy that's beneath the surface somewhere on the inside. I can feel its filthy presence and have been feeling it for awhile now! It only gets worse and it just makes me so infuriated! I feel like it has something to do with someone hurting us in the past, and that makes my arms tingle with restrained rage.

But it's not even just about that! I'm trying to be $#!*ing USEFUL for once and help everyone out by focusing on anything other than the memory $#!* to distract us! But that's always been the problem, hasn't it? Once I open the Pandora's box, it doesn't close, and then I am left to deal with the aftermath that follows! Granted, we have the option of putting the memories in a mental container, but right now I don't want to. I'm just SO upset! I mean, I'll probably be FINE before we go to bed, but I'm ANNOYED...

But at least because of my anger, I wasn't still feeling sexually triggered like I have been for almost the past WEEK STRAIGHT. Again, it's nobody's fault!! But at the same time I want to punch someone or something!!! I want to punch the people who hurt me! I want to obliterate every single last sick $#!* who was involved in raping me!! I swear to GOSH it was probably more than one person!!! And they treated me like a $#!*ing animal, slave, and property!!! YOU $#!*ing #%^$%&%^%#$%^&%&%^!!! (insert whatever angry words you want there)

I hate EVERYONE who was involved!!! I don't care how close they were or are to me!!! I'm TIRED of my other parts feeling as though they are not human or are $#!*ing chattel for SALE because of these $#!*ing FREAKS!!! Young children shouldn't KNOW about this kind of $#!* and how DARE you take that away from me!!!

I know I'm going to be fine, but I'm tired of this. I'm just so furious and tired. It's been so many years now, let my mind rest in peace...

Hi, I'm still at it with my feelings of utter fury. What a JOY.

To be honest, I like coming on here and screaming about how wrathful I feel on the inside. It's a good outlet for the anger and it helps me to be able to process it and see what it's doing on the inside. If words didn't exist, I think the process of talking to my anger and figuring out its purpose and needs would be that much harder. But it feels like typing it all out isn't enough for me. Having a place to put my anger is great, but I need other outlets too. HEALTHY outlets.

If I could react to my anger with reckless abandon, I'd probably end up doing things such as smoking, physically self-harming, breaking glass, destroying everything in sight, driving on the highway for hours, and just lashing out at anyone close to me that I'm even a hint angry at. I'm just so awfully upset that I was hurt in such terrible ways and that NOBODY $#!*ing protected me. That is 1000% INEXCUSABLE, and it's disgusting how much gross negligence must have gone on for me to be able to be traumatized as much as I was. Throughout my life, the only one who was able to save me was ME. I was my OWN rock and the ONLY person I could depend on. I know normal people usually can't handle my degree of trauma, but for $#!* sake! If your negligence leads to someone being so badly abused, then it only seems fair that you'd take some $#!* responsibility for your actions!

But it wouldn't $#!*ing matter if someone were to own up to their own $#!* or not anyways. In the end, apologizing or trying to fix things wouldn't do $#!*. It would probably just lead to more disappointment, which would make me even more filled with rage. I $#!*ing hate everyone because of this. It feels like everyone is either unable to help me, or is to blame for not paying close enough attention. It's all up to me to help myself... you know, like it's ALWAYS been...

I've never smoked and I don't drink, but the anger I have on the inside definitely tempts me to indulge in these behaviors. And again, I feel the endless urge to beat someone up within an inch of their life. I'm just so angry.

I'm going to look online to see if I can find other ways to release this anger that I'm holding in; ways that don't hurt myself, anyone else, or public property. But in the meantime, I think I might also consider thinking about how I can make peace with having to be there for me in the ways that others were never able to. It sucks, but the truth is that nobody is going to be able to help me or be there for me like I can be there for myself. That's where self-love, self-care, and self-compassion come into play.

I have every right to be as angry as I am, but at the end of the day, this anger affects no one other than myself. Hanging onto it only damages me, so I think the next step might be to let go of the anger rather than clinging to it or aggressively shoving it away. The anger needs to tell its story, so I need to listen to it, and in doing so, I have to do it with open hands. The anger, in turn, would be able to flow freely from my arms and body to a better place. I envision the anger being this black murky liquid or smoke that is pulling itself from my veins and traveling to my hands where it can flow out of my body freely like thin river streams.

And this is why I find typing out my various emotions and experiences so helpful; because I can mentally challenge myself and walk myself through the process while also coming up with creative solutions that I can envision myself doing through visualization and meditation.

I've found breaking things helpful. By which I mean things that had little worth anyway. Or, I've known people who have bought yard sale breakables on the cheap, for the express purpose of some creative venting.

When my mother died- no fault of hers, not on the surface, anyway- but I.... felt compelled to break a few things at her home, while going through stuff. Why? I don't know. Anger and frustration that my mommy died, I suppose. Frustration at some of her life choices, maybe- not that I have a stellar record of those, myself.

Did it help? Yes. It did. A little. Maybe it was juvenile of me, but I did it, and it was... mildly cathartic. No one was hurt. I felt a little childish, but it got it out of my system, at least.

I'm glad to hear you state that anger ultimately only hurts ourselves. I really believe that. In this past year, I've had to deal with a lot of anger- anger from the walls closing in on me from multiple angles, it seems- and... at some point I just have to kick my brain in neutral and forget about it for a while. Otherwise it sucks everything out of life. I found myself being unreasonably short with everything around me, mostly our poor stubborn dog, I was finding myself far too frustrated at minor things and had to stop and take inventory of myself.

DID allows Journey threads generally, so unless Johnny Jack thinks otherwise, you're good with some venting here. For serious venting- something in which it's just pure vent, no replies wanted nor desired, don't forget our Venting forum- those are always locked by the mod team upon being posted- no replies are allowed, not even from moderators.

@Snaga: Thank you for pointing out the more official vent thread option! That's good to have, however I think I like utilizing a thread in which I'd be able to get responses. Otherwise, I feel a bit silly venting my anger anywhere, because it makes me feel like I'm being a spectacle of some sort.

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I realized something important today. I was typing a thread on a different support forum, and on that thread I was about to play the victim and apologize for having so much baggage and $#!*. Then I realized that typing that out would make me look pathetic, possibly manipulative, and weak, so I put my grown up pants on and apologized to myself for almost typing that out. To be fair, that apology towards myself was made somewhat in anger because of how dramatic and "cringe" my self-depreciating thoughts sounded to me. And at the very end of the thread, I made the comment of, "Diana is probably masking some of her own hurt by wanting us to be as steady as a rock. It's real easy to be strong when you're batting away your own weakness and vulnerability with anger and rage, isn't it?" ...If I was not literally inside of the same body as this logical thought process right now, I'd probably want to start wailing on it right about now (not that I would since that's assault apparently).

But $#!*... the damn thought process actually made a really sound point, didn't it? I'm trying to deal with the constant trauma processing as best as I can, and I thought that being aggressively against being a victim would help me power through this faster and maybe get me more answers from the inside... but what if pushing away these lousy feelings with my "strength" isn't helping? What if I'm somehow driving away the healing process at the same time?

...No, I don't think that's the case. I think the process is moving exactly as it needs to go... but maybe I don't have to be strong all of the time. Maybe it's okay for me to be able to let myself be sad and vulnerable sometimes, even when it's the sharpest stab to my pride. When I talk to myself trying to stop the guilt-tripping thoughts, I come across as really aggressive sometimes, like a drill-sergeant or your football coach dad who yells at you to, "Win the game, darn you! If you don't buck up and pull yourself up by the bootstraps, I'll give you something to cry about!" And that threat would be a threat to berate myself and physically hurt the body... Why does it always come to this? No matter what I try to do, I always end up blaming or hurting myself in one way or another, don't I?


I feel like I can never win...


Personal homework assignment: Find the balance between being "strong" and showing myself compassion and letting myself cry or otherwise express my feelings in a healthy way.

Just adding this to document
I notice that thinking about intimacy with someone is causing me a lot of anger too. It's just... when I think of someone else being affectionate towards me, my immediate response is to get annoyed about it and treat the lovey-dovey thoughts as hostile as I can. I first give the thoughts a warning like, "Oh shut up" or "No thanks." But the thoughts can't just stop like that, which makes me get even angrier. Then I imagine myself taking the imaginary person who's trying to woo me and I start hitting him or beating him up, shouting at him, "I said I don't want it!! Get out!!!"

Even if I'm reading about a fictional couple, I seem to get mad too, no matter the context. It could be a sweet love story or something a bit more mature, but in either case, I just feel myself getting really annoyed at the characters involved. I act like them being in love is stupid in some way and I seem to want one character to leave the other for one reason or another. Maybe the partner is actually trash, but sometimes it's not even that bad and I'm still annoyed. I think I'm reacting to a sort of protective wall around myself. I can't let myself feel for the characters. I can't let myself feel that want for affection, even projected onto a fictional couple. It just makes everything too real, like the fact that it hurts that I'm too afraid to let anyone love me too much.


I'm telling you, my trauma processing these days is no joke. You have no idea exactly how much information I've been collecting about my thought processes over the past few weeks. By the time this influx of information slows to non-existent, I anticipate that I may have something long enough to be a novel if I were to compile each and every thread I've created on different platforms together.

[And not that I have to explain anything to anyone, but I am doing other things during my day, not just sitting at my computer all day long. It's just that these thoughts constantly run in the background of my head, kind of like a computer program. That's how come I have over three realizations every day]

Mmm. I just got through posting to JFF in the music thread, and have songs on my mind- one that I've thought of posting- I'm sure you've thought of this one, too...
https://youtu.be/JKlSVNxLB-A

I think it has to be a healthy mix. We need to be strong, but you can go too far the other way- which is always how I took that song. Impervious comes with a price.

I don't know about the tenor of that other forum; but while sure we can play up being the victim for sympathy points- if you can't have baggage in PF, then what good is the forum? We're here, because we're broke in some fashion. I don't make a habit of it; but I don't begrudge myself the occasional bitchy whinge, either. Even when they sound petty and insignificant from the outside. If I can't whine in PF, then where? Better here, than.... where? Social media? I don't care for that. In person to my few friends and acquaintances- most of whom I wouldn't have, save that I'm partnered with someone who's much more a Normie than I? They don't need that. Or my partner? It's hard enough, limiting my cray-cray to someone I am around daily, and it's hard enough for them, with what I can't help inflicting on them. So where do I have, if not here?

So yes, it's good to 'buck up' and everything- and not be always the victim- we'd never grow with that attitude because then it's never upon us to do anything about it. But a support forum is for, well, support. And we can't always be a rock.

Hi Butterfly folks,

Nice to meet you. We hope you find the support here that you're looking for.

We sure understand about anger, especially anger that may seem limitless. While we're not up to reading this whole thread (personal reasons, nothing to do with you or your story), we wanted to welcome you and let you know that we empathize.

Although you're sharing about your system specifically, it may end up being a very helpful thread for people to post about their own experiences with rage.

Additionally, for general venting, we also have the thread Salute of the Day (Snarky Vent Thread), which our system created a few years back.

In support,

Mary, Allegra, and others