I like to hide

[This post is going to be in Shh's words.]

I don't like to talk, see, or listen to anything. That is why my favorite place to be is hiding in a super dark room with complete silence in my ears and on my lips. It's comforting being somewhere that no one can find you. But you have to be very quiet and make yourself very small so you don't get caught. In such places, I feel very safe and secure. Feelings of peace wash over my entire being and I absorb the feelings of safety, hoping to keep them with me forever.

I don't like hearing, seeing, or speaking at all. Hearing sounds, even minor ones like my keyboard (without earbuds or headphones on), make my ears hurt. It's all so loud. Even dimmed lights or the sounds of a TV being on (without anything on) feels far too loud and bright to me. And talking... I don't talk because it's too loud for me too. Not only that, but I just don't want to say anything... I feel like I have something I want to say though. I don't know what it is, but I really REALLY want to say something important and deep about the people who hurt us.

There are things that I don't want to see and try not to see. That's why it feels like my eyes are being covered by some kind of see-through shield on the inside. The eye covering blocks me from processing whatever information I'm supposed to be seeing, The only issue is that it also shields me from being able to understand things in front of the physical body too. We have to concentrate super hard in order for us to do things like read or watch a movie when I'm around.



I want to hide away forever. Hiding makes me feel safe... I am sad that I can't hide forever. I am even more sad that I don't have anyone I can invite to hide with me. I can try inviting people on the inside, but I mean that I want someone on the outside to hide with me; maybe in my closet in a place where you can't even see our feet. I'm not trying to ask someone on here to do that, but I just wish I had someone hiding with me. I wish someone could be there to hug and hold me. If someone else were there, we'd be so quiet that you couldn't even hear us breathing. Maybe we'd even hide under a pile of clothes or something. But I'd want that person to comfort me and let me know that I'm safe and no one will find me while they're there to protect me.

Hugs, if wanted.

Charlie likes to hide, too. Under blankets. That way no one can see him.

@Jessica6: Thank you very much for the hugs. They are appreciated.

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Today while I was at work, something during a zoom meeting triggered a memory for me of an office building. Nothing crazy happened in the memory, but suddenly I felt the urge to want to hide myself somewhere, but not in the way that you might think.

If it makes any sense whatsoever, I wanted to hide in the details and textures of the rug beneath my feet. I also felt a want to transfer myself from where I was sitting into the paint on the wall, where I make up stories about the uneven blotches that appear when you paint a wall. Other places I find myself desiring to escape into are the internet (where I can imagine myself into comfortable situations through writing), into raindrops when I feel extremely depressed or lonely, and other obscure places like that. It bothers me that I can't physically become part of the wall, rug, rain, or internet. Imagining as hard as I can gets me pretty close to feeling like I am there, though. It doesn't even feel like it takes too much brain power on my part, I just assume it takes a lot of imagining to feel the sense of peace I get when I'm "hiding" in the rug, paint, etc. It's the same feeling I get when I'm hiding away in a dark room or in a closet.

I think "hiding" in the details of these locations was my way of possibly protecting myself. I'm chalking it up to dissociation. But that's why I like typing so much online. I can process things well here, but also I have another safe hiding place to go. I wish I could stay and hide here forever. At least when I hide online, it feels like I can talk to other people while I'm hiding. It reminds me of when I was little and I would talk to myself all of the time. I talked to myself so much and got so much love and support from those parts of me that I would talk to. It felt like I could hide within myself too somehow since they were always there with me to be with.

Most of our system is young and are used to been covert for most of the bodies life.

They like winter when the curtains and blinds are always drawn and its dark outside for most of the time with no people about. They like to snuggle under the electric blanket with the RL dog and play video games while no one else in the real world knows they exist or are coming out to play!

The bedroom is still our safe place even though we live alone and have the whole house to ourselves but still some will only come out if the curtains are drawn or the blinds closed and the doors closed and locked!