struggling

We’ve been away from the forum a long time. Last year was hard. We were in the hospital from August until the end of December because we got really depressed, lost hope, Seven did a lot of SH and we made several attempts to end our life. There was just no light at the end of the tunnel. For the first whole week 2T fronted so we were curled tightly in the fetal position. We lost all muscle tone and couldn’t even bear weight on our legs for weeks. In the hospital, though, we worked with a trauma-informed therapist and a really nice music therapist and that helped some, eventually. Since getting discharged we’ve been working with a trauma specialist who does EMDR with us and our regular therapist still sees us and is trying to educate herself, as well. She is working through the book, “Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation” with us. She’s been calling us daily for a check-in and that helps some, but we’re struggling. Whenever I start sharing what’s going on inside, I get in trouble. Christian says it’s not safe and Seven get’s angry and hurts the body. I feel stuck. I’m not sure what good therapy can do if I can’t talk about what’s going on inside. We have an appointment today at 3pm and I’m really worried about what’s going to happen there. I’m also afraid we’re going to get in trouble for the SH that Seven did. We just can’t go back in the hospital again! We will lose all hope and give up. I’m having a hard time finding hope even now.
KK

If the SH isn't current, then surely you won't get in too bad trouble. But if you need to, then hospital is better than hurting yourself real bad.

Does Seven come out here in the forums, at all? Seven, there is a Self-Harm forum under General Topics, if you need to talk about it. It's much better to try not to harm no matter how angry you get. Your system only has the one body you know.

SH is recent, but not bad enough to need a hospital right now.

I don't think Seven has ever come out on the forums. He usually only fronts when we're alone or in therapy or hospital, like when someone is telling me that I need to ignore him and be in control, he'll get really angry and start yelling and maybe hurt the body or something. I guess he knows he's in the body, but he doesn't own it and says he hates it. I don't think he wants to be nice or cares much about consequences. Christian intercedes sometimes to keep us from worse harm, but I don't think Seven cares at all. He's just angry and hates us. That's how I perceive him anyway... and maybe I'll get in trouble from him for saying that. He's not as mad about me talking here as he is about me talking to my T though.

I went today, but couldn't say much more than that I feel stuck and tied up and want to be free but don't know how to get there. I could just tell her that it wasn't safe to talk about inside, even though it seems like that is what I need to do to get unstuck. She is a good listener and decided we should move backwards in the book a little right now and is going to help me with some homework when she calls for the check-in tomorrow. I'm nervous about that. It's hard to be unable to talk when your only way to communicate is on the phone. I want to work and move forward. I'm just so tired and scared of watching us do bad things I don't want to do when Seven gets angry.

I'm sorry if I said anything wrong here or if this doesn't make sense.

KK

GKOKD wrote:He usually only fronts when we're alone or in therapy or hospital, like when someone is telling me that I need to ignore him and be in control, he'll get really angry and start yelling and maybe hurt the body or something.

KK

Well, of course he gets angry. Who would ever be telling you to ignore him?? I hope you don't mean that any of the professionals treating you are telling you that. That's not how DID treatment works. You and he are both alters, and it sounds like he has important needs that aren't being met.

Do you share things with the T that Seven doesn't want you to? It would be best to get his agreement for sharing things. Maybe if he felt like he had more say in what gets talked about, he might feel less angry.

Does he talk to either of the therapists? Do you know why he hates the body? it sounds he's holding a lot of pain and trauma from the past.

I hope things improve for you.

Yes, in the hospital there were a couple therapists that worked with us that were sensitive to DID, but most doctors and nurses were not and just wanted us to do what they wanted. It wasn't til November that we were transferred to a treatment facility that was really helpful. And my therapist is learning and is pretty helpful right now, but she didn't know what to do with us last year or the year before. We've just been so unstable and in and out of so many hospitalizations that she is working hard to educate herself now to help us.

I told my T what Seven said to me when was criticizing me and he didn't want to me to. Christian says it's not safe to share what's inside. I get scared to break Christian's rules and when I do it makes Seven mad and Christian get's more strict.

I don't really have good communication inside. I don't get much in the way of explanations... just rules, demands, and reactions. I guess that's one of the goals of therapy. That's why I feel so stuck. When I talk about what's inside I get in trouble inside. I don't know how to get to the point of communication and maybe negotiation. I've been aware of my parts for years, but mostly just live in fear of them and shame. Seven doesn't talk to the T. I don't think he's interested in getting un-stuck, but I don't know for sure. I don't understand him at all. I'm just scared of him.

KK

I need to find a way to negotiate empathically with Christian regarding the rules, but when I ask why we have to follow all the rules that make us keep losing weight when we are already too thin and unhealthy and we don’t want to go back in the hospital, all I get is that he is the adult and I am the child and he knows best. He says the rules are to make us less unacceptable and more safe. And I know they help keep us safe from Seven’s rage because when we gain weight he get’s angry and cuts or harms the body, but, at the same time, the rules are slowly killing us. How do I negotiate with someone who won’t give me credit for knowing what I’m talking about and gets angry when I disagree? Add to the mix that there is another part who keeps taking over and compulsively binging, which makes Christian more and more rigid about our need to purge and angry over our behavior… and brings out Seven’s rage and harmful acts. I feel like I’m caught in the middle, tossed about by waves going in all directions, yet I’m the one talking to my therapist everyday trying to keep us out of the hospital and trying to figure out how to get everyone on the same page when no one seems to value my opinion.

it is very sad that Seven is keeping you all in an unhealthy eating habit. even though I understand the desire to "keep you safe", there are other ways to keep you safe. ways that allow to go back to a healthier, less dangerous weight.

growing assertive boundary-setting habits is one way. taking self-defense courses is another way. there are many others, that I cannot think about right now. and they work. they are not easy to learn at an adult age, they can feel uncomfortable at first because they are not turned into habits yet, but they work.

you can do it. gain new skills. reach new emotional places.

it is never too late.

__
Ulysses.