not fitting in - ever

I am writing for Annett and Danielle and a bit for the Littles too. but mostly the teens...

we keep running into experiences when we just don't fit in.
although our teens feel like teens and think like teens they are not at all like teens today. they are like teens 20 years ago. It means interactions with people of their age group are always a nightmare of not fitting in, absolutely not belonging. even with other DID teens. its like they are worlds apart.
We never know how much of it is cultural differences, how much is that we as a system are more introverted and struggle with too much stimulation, loud noise, busy pictures, loud expressions of emotion... but we often don't feel like we belong within the DID communities because we are not extroverted. we are not loud and flashy. we are not overt.
it adds to the age problem, the sense of living in a different decade and feeling so unfamiliar with this decade.
we get hurt so often when we try to interact, not because there is open rejection but because there is little that seems to connect us with others. we are not like them. it is one of the reasons why we withdrew from this forum a bit. we just get overwhelmed with things that feel like it is nothing like us.
I would sometimes doubt our DID if we weren't such a classic example that the textbooks describe us exactly.

I am aware that there are a LOT of memories of bullying and rejection the teens carry. school was hell. we never belonged anywhere. never fit in. it makes it hard to tell apart if we are having an emotional flashback or if some of it is actually real

I just wonder how to help. because right now the teens are hurting and want to withdraw even more, not even try to connect anymore. like the Littles have done when they felt like they are all wrong and don't fit in.

we as adults have the same problem. being disabled, having DID, no job or family to talk about, being nerdy with nothing else to talk about... we don't do well in society. none of us fits in.

Hi,

We're the same way. Most of us teens would really like to have friends but that's too hard and scary and totally doesn't work. The forum is great but we even have trouble here because there's just this thing that we don't fit in. Our T says some of that's in the past but even she says some of it is just because there's no place for teens who are in old bodies. And we have 'social problems' because we're TEENS (duh!) and teens always have social problems.

We really really care about you guys. I know it's hard to be friends with us because we mostly don't know how to do it but we're your friends.

Iain, Cody, & Colin

Agree with you both! And I think it's... inevitable? That teen alts will be to some extent 'stuck in the past'. It makes a lot of sense- which doesn't take away that it can be frustrating and lonely for them. Our teens are 'old souls', compared to other systems' teens that live in younger bodies.

And heck no, there's no place for teens in old bodies. It just... is what it is, though. They don't have their own body; they must make do.

Hugs to the both of y'all.

Steph

Adult(s): I have a same problem with you, the way you describe your adults. We have DID and there's nothing normal for us to talk about when interacting with other adults. We're lonely, but how to make friends, when there's nothing in common with anyone, nothing you could talk about when you try get to know someone.. it's impossible. People at our bodyage usually have families, other friends, they have hobbies and travel (not now, but in normal world situation) etc. Those are all things we don't have or do and we can just listen, but there's nothing we can share to talk about the same subject, because our life is not like that. When there's more people, we just sit and smile and nod and feel outcast.

Our other adults are either having job that's fully internal, or inside because they're inactive atm, so there's just me.

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Sami: he has his own thing, because he's an ageslider, not fully adult but not just teen either. There's not much to say about him in this context, he's a defender, it's not his job to be likable, but someone who people take seriously immediately when he comes out. He has let his dreams of outside life fade away long time ago and has all he needs in inner world, so I don't think he has anything else to do with us having friends but safety checks. It'll be more work for him.

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Teens: Our teens, ANP-type teens, they're actually pretty social. In theory they should be there in teens thread chatting right now, and they'd fit, they should fit. Fourteens, most of their teen parts do like loud music and flashy colors and have opinions, aren't shy and even tho some of them can be teen-kind-of-loud (mostly Random), they're still kind. They don't bully anyone. Some of them do feel lonely. They live in a body that looks nothing like them, have been living as a host for a year, yet being invisible to the world they live in, invisible to everyone, and there's nobody in this world that knows them, asks how are they doing and they're pretty young to live alone like that and being mentally alone like that. It does make them sad, inside they did hang around with other teens and had normal teen stuff going on, but it all changed when we hit the crisis and they were forced out long term. There's been good things in being out a lot too, it's not just miserable, but it's not a subject in here. And it doesn't take the loneliness away.

Lucas would love to have friends, anyone who knows about our DID and sees him as who he identifies being, and he tried so hard to find someone like that while he was active in here in forum. It's not that easy, not even to the most social kind of person like Lucas, who is open and easy to talk to, interested in anything and into talking about things he doesn't know just to have a conversation or to get to know someone and understand what are they into.

There's a reason why they (Fourteens or Lucas) can't have friends just like that in here in reality, and it's because of their gender. That may be partly traumatic belief, their inner life stories both have trauma about being punished for being a boy, but it's not fully just belief. Among traumatized people there's lot of gender blame and gender shaming for males, some open and some hidden, but it's still there.

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Littles: We have one little who is outgoing and he writes in here sometimes. Other littles hide behind him. Most EP parts don't really talk at all, nor write. One shy little tried to talk in here once and it ended so badly I don't think any of them will do the same mistake after that. Because of Leon we may seem like the kind of system who fits, he's social and playful and does clear overt little's things, but he's just one part. Most of them don't fit into that category, he's the only little that even has a name and we know something about him, although the most important info about him is that he has lots of secrets and info and he is good at keeping it as a secret too. Other littles are pure mysteries, like I said, hiding behind him, or sometimes pretending to be him, to avoid getting noticed.

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I'm sorry you feel outcast too. Especially if there's nobody in the system who feels they fit in. For your teens: if they don't mind his gender, Lucas wants to get to know people, anyone who takes him as he is. He doesn't care if their fashion is from a different decade or they don't know latest music. He cares about people. He is away all winters but it's almost over now, and everything is about to be ready for him to come outside again, inner world is fully changed to match their new situation, now that Leon became Lucas's son inside.

It's more about if your teens take him as he is, he's mostly living in inner world, so that's what he talks about when he talk about his life. His job in here isn't that interesting to him, everything meaningful for him is inside. That makes him different from most parts, they talk about this world, while to him the inner one is way more real.

You can PM us, or your teens can, or if you don't like PMs they can ask about him where ever you see any of us, or you can start a new thread for making friends or for parts who feel outcast, we don't care, he doesn't care where and how you want him, just to know if you do and he'll be there. And it's not a charity he does, he really wanted to find people in his life who'd care about him like he cares about people close to him, but I guess there weren't many teens out there that would've been without a friend and liked him. And it doesn't even have to be a teen for him, he's pretty mature to be a teen, lives on is own as a single dad.

But we don't wanna push you, we know it may be you don't like him or that you have another reason to say no, you're not into getting to know him and that's fine. We just rather don't know the reason then, because it stings anyway to be rejected. We're just informing that if you approach him, he'll be happy about it. It can't be teens thread tho, he has promised not to enter there again. That's a memory from the incident when the gender card was played against him really unfairly, but he made a promise to not enter there again, and won't break it.

He doesn't write too long messages like I do.

Flor

hi we thik we could have a more complicated issue but yes been not social lately, except in a couple places and in a very limited way. don't know what the issue is exactly but um, i do know when i in elementary school i went quite a few years where there was no one that was a friend, though as a teen that changed, but that felt really formative and defining. So just accepting that i am a bit 'too different,' and just accept the things that go with that.. cause like in a group i won't know what to say and i will say it in the wrong way. i was an only child growing up too, so idk. i guess being alone a lot at least i feel safer that way, cause it can feel really scary to be with people and trust people, also when i trust people easier i kept having bad people come and think i was a good target. so i think okay at least alone is safe. no bad people, cant get rejected too bad. but it also sucks a lot. no one to share things with. i am sorry you go through that too.

Um, hey Flor! If um, Lucas sees this tell him hey, I'm not um... I'm not real talkative right now but hey I'll talk to you Lucas you can PM us anytime and um, I'll talk. Sabbie's the talky one but Jessica says she's kinda too young or something, says if anyone from our system talks to you it oughta be me. Sure not Albert even if he would, that's funny. He wouldn't and all he does is stay pissed the hell off at everything. Sorry I guess it means you get me. I ain't Miss Manners though, so just saying. Not used to talking much but I can always listen. We um, read about you and that sucks about being picked on about gender. Dude you shouldn't hide from a forum because of that man. You as good as anyone else.

Anyway um, PM us if you come out an wanna talk it's cool.

And um yeah we didn't have loads of friends either spinningtops. It kinda sucks but we always had inside our mind I guess? We had a few friends but when you always the weird kid, well you know.

Stefanie

first of all, I really enjoy writing with you Colin. It feels like I get you, but it is probably a protector thing and less of a teen thing. I thought that maybe writing in the protector thread is better for me? I get super confused when people tell all the details about their inner life and relationships and I don't even know all these people/parts and I am not front often enough to keep up a conversation...

The T said I should keep trying to connect, otherwise I won't have any new experiences and the feeling of not fitting in anywhere doesn't even have a chance to go away. she also said to pick a community that is closer to home. for me that means culturally closer to home. can't even begin to tell where to look, its not like DID communities come with an overview and I'll be damned if we join a stupid facebook group. so, not sure how to actually do that.

the feelings are still big. loneliness, shame about being too different and not knowing important stuff. About not liking the stuff a teen is supposed to like. not having topics to talk about. all that.
when the loneliness gets big the SH urges get bigger. we don't do that $#%^ anymore, but it only comes up with loneliness now. also, I am pretty hopeless. why bother trying. it really hasn't been like this until I tried to connect on discord and it all went down rapidly. like, there are whole communities full of DID teens and I am not like any of that, not even close. and I can watch them have the time of their life and I just don't belong. it is the hardest, to watch others belong and not be a part of it.

Annette - I like reading your stuff too. Loneliness isn't just a Teen thing. It's being a Protector. I have to stay sharp. Always on alert. Ready to push back. Take control of the situation. That means I can never let down. I can't trust other people. (Even the good ones are going around so F-ing sloppy.) I'm always ready for the next abuser. It's F'd up but that's what I do. Not a lot of social skills.

Stay strong. Take care. Write when you can.

Colin

Just wanted to say that we identify with this topic and with elements of what each person/system has said. And we wanted to share that we empathize with everyone going through this.

To add another wrinkle: People in our system don't age. The body was born in 1962, and when you do the math, that's old. And getting older all the time. The oldest individual in our system is 25, so as time goes by, the gap between individual age and the body's age widens.

The only thing that we can do is remember that no one, not even singletons, acts their age all the time. It doesn't change the fact that our experience as multiples is in many ways different from that of singletons. But at least we can take some comfort that acting different some of the time is simply part of the human condition.

MDs

Dang. The oldest individual is 25? Whew it's hard enough when there is at least a part that.. sort of acts this body's age. Hugs, if wanted. This person's not far behind you as far as physical age goes. And it do sucketh. There is... no cure for it, but just to decide screw it I ain't growin' up. But yes you're right- about parts being fairly static with age and not 'progressing'. Actually I think it would be stranger, if they did. I'm not what I'd call DID, as is evident in our sig line- but it seems... logical that parts, especially as differentiated as they are with DID, would stay an age, or in the case of age sliders, a range of ages that depends on all sorts of things- but not upon natural biological processes.

And who wants to act their age anyway...