not fitting in - ever

Jessica6 wrote:Dang. The oldest individual is 25? Whew it's hard enough when there is at least a part that.. sort of acts this body's age.

Charity: Yes. There's a specific reason, as there is with all of our ages. When the body turned 25, I (individual) can recall thinking, "I never want to get older than this." It felt like 25 for some reason meant "real" adulthood--no more hiding behind college or post-college or whatever. I didn't like that thought at all, and I'm sure I wasn't alone in that feeling.

Jessica6 wrote:This person's not far behind you as far as physical age goes. And it do sucketh. There is... no cure for it, but just to decide screw it I ain't growin' up.

Laura: Sucketh. Yes. It sucketh royally. We ain't grownin' up either.

Jessica6 wrote:But yes you're right- about parts being fairly static with age and not 'progressing'. Actually I think it would be stranger, if they did. I'm not what I'd call DID, as is evident in our sig line- but it seems... logical that parts, especially as differentiated as they are with DID, would stay an age, or in the case of age sliders, a range of ages that depends on all sorts of things- but not upon natural biological processes.

Mary and Allegra: Well, insight isn't always dependent on diagnosis, and you're pretty insightful. We appreciate that. We came to the conclusion a while back that our individual ages rarely change; far more common for us is that our perception of our individual age changes as we understand ourselves better.

Jessica6 wrote:And who wants to act their age anyway...

Various: Not we, said the flea.

MDs

Hi MDs,

We're not growing up but we're getting better anyway. Evan isn't ever going to be 8 years old but he's a lot happier 7 year old than he was. I'm not so sad all the time and Colin is really helping not just yelling at people. Things are better even if we're not all adults by now.

Iain

birdsong87 wrote: I get super confused when people tell all the details about their inner life and relationships and I don't even know all these people/parts

We got confused what do you want from us (forum), or what do you want from life. What would help?

You feel lonely and wanna cure that, right? We understand it as wanting to get to know people, and how you describe it, is how getting to know someone pretty much is. You don't know who they are in the beginning.

I don't mean you should do it with any of us, we understood the No -part and didn't expect you'd want to talk to him for real, the boy I said is willing to chat if you want to. I just don't know how to ever fix your problem without stepping out of the comfort zone. But I do understand you wanna do it with a system you like overall.

When I told we have a part who actively searched for friends, and another one who is overall nothing else but lonely day after another and doesn't have what it takes to continue life like that, (because things can't really get better), we didn't expect you would know them. They don't know you either, I don't think you've ever talked, because our systems don't really communicate with each other. We're in different category.

We know your system doesn't read our messages usually and most communication we've had this far has been more or less negative. It's not a surprise that as a system we don't qualify, but I thought I'll tell there are others looking for someone who do feel the same too and those who don't look anything but have hard time being alone. I understood that's the topic. But it doesn't matter.

Or was your message about wanting to be part of a group, more than wanting an actual friend who has confusing things like a name and life? You want a group to belong to, not a person to get to know? We know how it is to look at people who do have friends when we lack them, this forum has enough of it for us, so we avoid places where there are people more openly against boys. It is the worst thing to look friends greeting each others after a break they couldn't communicate, when message you wrote above theirs about acting out because of loneliness has zero attention, like we're just air to them. And why would it get attention, they don't share the feeling, they are busy being friends and for teens someone talking about a thing like that is pretty much loser material anyway. In theory they should belong, our teens, but in reality they were not wanted. We know how it feels like.

So there you are. If you wanna belong, all DID teens are not like the ones you see out there having fun. There are others just like you, who would want to belong, but they didn't and we don't fully understand why. But they don't get answers if they write to other teens and try to start a conversation. They didn't stay there looking stupid, so you don't see them there and it looks like all are happy. It looks like it, because the ones who weren't answered to, or ones who someone wanted away for their own reasons, aren't there anymore. But they still exist in real life. There's your group. DID teens who don't belong, who are lonely and aren't part of any real, visible groups although they'd want to, and have tried to. You're not the only one, there's loads of parts like us in all age categories out there, we are just invisible in places that are for socializing.

You're not alone in that sense, not because you don't belong. There are others, the kind who still do wanna get to know people, and the kind who have given up the hope.

We hope you'll find what or who ever it was you were looking for.

We don't have therapy and writing things is a way for us to deal with them. It may come out confusing for outsiders, and we're sorry for that. We don't have anyone to talk to, so I hope you understand our situation is different than yours. We don't have a T to get advice from or anyone else either. We're just trying to survive, even tho it looks different from your ways.

Flor

we are aware that stepping out is a problem. something we will have to work on because Annett tends to go into protector mode when she is feeling insecure.

it is actually not that we dislike you or feel like there has been negative contact. from what we remember you write good things. They are just waaay too long for our short attention span, so we often skip them when we know we can't handle it, which is often.
Another problem is that we don't have much control over who is fronting and it can sometimes take a very long time to connect and there are long breaks in between. that isn't really helpful for building a friendship. it is why I am writing now instead of Annett because she isn't around but leaving people to wait for a response isn't helping either.

Our system doesn't have a vivid inner life with lots of inner world interactions. and we wouldn't want to share details of that. It feels like crossing an important boundary with privacy. We feel very uncomfortable when others do it. These are not the conversations that make us feel connected. they are exactly what makes us feel like we don't fit in.

we need time to figure things out. a lot more time than other people because there is so much else going on. it never fits into a week. even if we plan things they often take a LOT longer. I still have a new stove standing in my hallway, from when I bought it in november. still waiting to get installed. that is about how quick we are to respond to plans. I hope people can be patient with us while we try to figure outselves out

birdsong87 wrote:Our system doesn't have a vivid inner life with lots of inner world interactions. and we wouldn't want to share details of that. It feels like crossing an important boundary with privacy. We feel very uncomfortable when others do it. These are not the conversations that make us feel connected. they are exactly what makes us feel like we don't fit in.

That's kind of the point we tried to make in our first response, where I told you about our teen boys, and especially about the social one. First of all, the first point: they are the kind that in theory should fit in and feel they belong to groups of DID teens, but they still don't. So they are different from you, I told about the experiences of people who are the kind you think you should be in order to fit in, for you to see it's not like that really. And that even if some of our parts are the kind that "all should", not our whole system is. Most of it isn't. But the point is that it isn't about being similar in those ways really, it's about something else, but we don't know what that else is.

Second point is about why I talked about out social teen boy. He doesn't care if you're different from him. For him differences are something to understand, and he's willing to figure our how someone else thinks. More importantly, there is a human behind the similarities or differences and that's who you gonna be friends with, not the surface but the person inside. And that's who he want's to get to know, no matter the ways your inner life represents itself in this life or if you aren't fine with talking about yours. We don't talk the inner life of Fourteen's system or our other inner world either, only the build one. Because those other inner worlds are deeply private, so it's not like we wouldn't understand.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not repeating this to push Lucas to you forcefully, we already know the answer, and guessed it beforehand too. I'm just trying to explain my point, that maybe wasn't explained that well first time, I don't think it opened up really. If it did, I'm sorry I'm repeating the same thing.

The real question isn't if you'll be accepted, we already told you, you would be for him anyway. It's about will you accept someone that is different from you, like he is.

Third point: When our social boy was here trying to find people to connect with, the only other systems who were willing to share their inner lives publicly were Zor's and Sarandipity's. Having an identity so closely tied to inner world was an obstacle on Lucas's way. It's not the majority, he clearly belonged into minority in that way (too). Some said they can't be part of the conversation because their inner world isn't like that, some just weren't part of it, for what ever reasons they had. But it certainly isn't something that's gonna make you popular, more of a different kind of part than other's are.

Some said thank you for him, for doing that, for trying to get to know parts as who their inner selves are, so some liked the idea and felt validated just for the sake of someone asking and being willing to fully see them the way they identify themselves. Still, they didn't wanna share, or maybe couldn't because of the differences.

birdsong87 wrote:we need time to figure things out. a lot more time than other people because there is so much else going on. it never fits into a week. even if we plan things they often take a LOT longer. I still have a new stove standing in my hallway, from when I bought it in november. still waiting to get installed. that is about how quick we are to respond to plans. I hope people can be patient with us while we try to figure outselves out

We're like that too, I am, so it isn't a problem for us if other's are too. Especially with social relationships in general, we can feel forced and pushed so easily it's ridiculous, and then we flight.

Flor

hello I'm just chiming in after a long absence. At this point I don't think I can say I have DID/OSDD. I should revisit and rethink the names listed in my signature. But when I came to this forum it was the first time in my life I ever met people who could understand the profound confusion and internal conflict that I felt. The dead wolf has been hanging out in the therian community and there are some overlapping traits but I'm not therian. And my brain is like a badly wired network with poor connections and randomly dropping connections to my own self and the world. I don't fit in any group either. I have this dense fog of anhedonia/apathy and maybe it's defensive so I don't feel too bad about being strange and disconnected.

we already know the answer, and guessed it beforehand too.

Stuff like that is the reason why nobody wants to respond to this post. This is manipulation, it makes us angry and it snuffs any interest we might have had.

We know that we have some issues on our side, otherwise it would be easier and we will work on that.

birdsong87 wrote:Stuff like that is the reason why nobody wants to respond to this post. This is manipulation, it makes us angry and it snuffs any interest we might have had.

Manipulation, or just fatalism?

SystemFlo wrote:There's a reason why they (Fourteens or Lucas) can't have friends just like that in here in reality, and it's because of their gender. That may be partly traumatic belief, their inner life stories both have trauma about being punished for being a boy, but it's not fully just belief. Among traumatized people there's lot of gender blame and gender shaming for males, some open and some hidden, but it's still there.

We can only speak for ourselves, but we don't care if they're boys. Yes there's a lot of picking on boys out in society right now but that can't be helped and it's not like everyone is that way. Fourteens and Lucas shouldn't give up on account of cause everywhere else in the world it seem like boys are picked on we know they are our body is a boy but it is what it is but not everyone that way.

birdsong87 wrote:

we already know the answer, and guessed it beforehand too.

Stuff like that is the reason why nobody wants to respond to this post. This is manipulation, it makes us angry and it snuffs any interest we might have had.

We know that we have some issues on our side, otherwise it would be easier and we will work on that.

I don't fully understand what are you saying. To what post people don't wanna answer? To your thread? Or what? Your system doesn't wanna talk to me?

I didn't see this coming. Don't really know what to say. I don't understand where the anger came from and why, and I don't understand the manipulation accuses. I rather thought you'd be angry because I'm still talking about him.

What you found manipulative, was meant to rather be soothing, and I just don't believe in friends appearing from somewhere like that, to any of us, in general. I believe in people getting angry for us when I've no clue why a lot more. It just meant what was said, that we don't expect anything from you and didn't, and I wanted you to know it, so you don't feel pushed. Because how we understood it, you did make it clear you don't wanna know him.

By "you" I mean you as a system in here, because there's been many of you being part of the conversation. It didn't even cross my mind you (she) could actually think you DO think about doing things differently by giving him a chance. It just didn't.

I hope you understand I'm talking about Lucas behind his back in here. He is away all the winters, and he hasn't yet come out this spring. Otherwise he would have come in here and said Hi himself after what we read is your problem. But your system members told they don't like him to be talked about (or anyone they don't know, because they find it confusing). But I still talked about him, to someone who doesn't like that. I just did it in different way from there, I didn't write an advertisement about how he wants to talk to people, I talked about him as an example in other things I had to say, that I said in order to help you some way, find the problem that prevents you from doing things or maybe find out what you (your teens) really want, if it's unclear. Maybe it wasn't, maybe I just didn't get it. I wanted you to know I'm not forcing him to you, just because I still talked about him, and I wasn't originally either.

Not that his willingness to connect would've changed, I don't wanna push you, and I didn't want to humiliate him in front of someone who doesn't wanna know him, and advertise him to someone who has no interest what so ever. He is social, but not desperate, he just loves people. I'm the one who's desperate, me and Fourteen kind of, about being so lonely, but in real world, not because of not fitting among DID teens. But the thread was about loneliness, that's why it felt close to us.

But what ever, I wrote my first response to your system. You didn't answer to it at all, but told to someone else that you don't like the kind of messages I wrote, the kind that have info about systems you don't know. I cried after finding out how something I meant well was looked down. That was pretty clear and loud No to me.

We don't take No as a maybe, we take it as a No. And I didn't see anything that would've changed my understanding about how you felt about it.

We don't approach people easily when it's unclear do they accept us, and if there's a sign they don't, we usually go away and stay away. I don't know why this time I didn't. Usually I would've wrote just the first message and when it wasn't taken well, I'd gone away and remembered not to do the same mistake again. Maybe I did things differently because it hit that much I cried, and I'm not usually emotional, I just avoid, I don't feel. Maybe I was hiding I felt something and tried to act like nothing happened. I don't know. But I did differently than usually and continued anyway. It's done now, so it doesn't matter why I stayed.

I hope you don't hold what I did and how I am like against him, or other system members that were talked about. I didn't try to violate any of you. I tried very hard not to. I only know what would feel wrong to me and then avoid doing it. I don't read minds and don't know what annoys you, I didn't when I came in with wrong kind of message, and I still don't. I still write too long, but you're free to not read any of it.

We knew we were different kind of system from you and you knew it too. But we don't learn to understand anything if people get angry when the differences show, other than to stay away, or fight if needed. We don't deal well with people aiming their anger to us.

Flor

Jessica6, Lucas will PM you, when he finds his way out to this world again. Can't say when it'll be, I've no way to control it. I don't even know why he stays in at winter times, he doesn't really know it himself either. It's just the way things are.

SystemFlo wrote:Jessica6, Lucas will PM you, when he finds his way out to this world again. Can't say when it'll be, I've no way to control it. I don't even know why he stays in at winter times, he doesn't really know it himself either. It's just the way things are.

That's fine. I ain't been comin' out much either I just ain't want to. Things got kinda shook up with some of us last year and I don't know just wanted to hide a while but that's cool. I been coming out more now and driving us places and stuff. I'm prolly really boring but if nothing else we got some listeners like Sam and I guess Jess too. When um, Steph does his mod stuff a lot of the empathetic stuff is really coming from Sam.

Also we don't like it that he feel like he get grief for being a boy. That ain't right an we're fine with his gender. We can't see no one from here giving him a hard time but sometimes it ain't what really happens or if it does how much, sometimes its how you see it in your head. Like you said. Well, it don't matter with us and he can chill we're cool with it.

Steffie ☥