Painful Comments

So the other day, traveling to the new house we're moving into since we've got guardianship of our niece and nephew now (the sister-in-law situation as seriously deteriorated and the kids have been unofficially and full-time with us since last May)... and on the way my wife asks about Monday's appointments (both doc and the over-seeing psychiatrist this month, so I got them back to back to spare two diff trips to the office).
"How long do you have to do this anyway? Seeing the doctor."

I reiterate that this is years, many many years, long therapy. Again telling her the average per several qualified sources (ISSTD, Sidran, etc) is 15+ years is common.

Her reply was painful in that it's not the first, second, or even third time she's expressed this EXACT feeling about this EXACT SAME TOPIC.
"Ugh, I have to put up with this that long?! When will you just be normal?!”

Normal?! She means "singleton" like... which we've NEVER been, and we NEVER will be. IDK how else to explain it to her... it's been nearly three years since we found out (April 23rd, 2018 first confrontation that "friends" were ME/us; May 22nd initial Dx of some sort of dissociative disorder; and Sept DID specifically Dx'd). THREE YEARS!

IDK, those words, that question, that almost exhausted/disgusted response... I don't know what to do anymore.

'Never'

Would have been my response, with a corresponding amount of exhaustion.

Hugs, if wanted. Spouses ain't easy to deal with sometimes.

I'm sorry. My SO has said some insensitive things, not about that but i also try not to talk about it much. but yeah i just wish that partners always said loving understanding things. I think maybe you could tell her it hurts your feelings when she asks and that also there is no quick fix to these problems. I can't say she will understand. My SO also I have to tell them things that should be something they should know too about being sensitive in some ways. I don't know what to say but to tell them it's hurtful to you and that you do the best you can do. Cause I think we are at a huge disadvantage in some ways compared to others in how we should act, for instance I have CPTSD like symptoms when there is even minor stress sometimes, and I know other people don't have to contend with that. So i don't know, it's just we can't help how we are. It sucks, I think we all wish we could behave normally. But given what we've probably all been through, it's also perfectly reasonable too. And she likely hasn't been through what you have. I mean here is one thing I am constantly having to clarify with my SO, is that my mother was abusive (cause she can behave fine), always have to remind him of that and that what he sees is nothing like what she was like. It's hard for him to just believe me on this. He tries though. And it's like for you, her saying that is somewhat denying the terrible things you have had to endure to be having this condition, like there is some misunderstanding going on there maybe? . Anyways, i think she should know how hurtful it is to you.

Hi Zor,

Kind of a #######5 thing for your wife to say. I'd want to say back - Sorry my pain is bothering you so much!

You're a good guy and deserve good therapy. I'm glad you get to go and hope you go as long as you need to.

Iain

I completely dont get why people think DID is "not normal". It's a normal thing the brain normally does in order to survive a harsh environment. Just like autistic stimming is a normal thing any person does when put in the same amount of stress that us autistics go through due to our hypersensitivities.

It's always painful when someone complains that we are not the picture of us they made in their mind. A bit like parents who "mourn" the able, cishet kid they imagined they had and refuse to aknowledge their real, disabled, queer, cute muffin of a child.

It hurts even more when it's chosen family that treat us like we owe them to match their imaginary picture of us.

Sending tons of support.

__
Zami

You need a line. How about "Normal as in you had no clue? Or normal as in someone I never was? In the first case, nothing has really changed, we're just older and wiser. In the second case, your best bet is to get a divorce."

Or just fall back on that classic line in the Incredibles movie: "We get there when we get there."

Maybe she could go to a NAMI family support group? There she would find out how good she has it with you.

Una+ wrote:You need a line. How about "Normal as in you had no clue? Or normal as in someone I never was? In the first case, nothing has really changed, we're just older and wiser. In the second case, your best bet is to get a divorce."

Or just fall back on that classic line in the Incredibles movie: "We get there when we get there."

Maybe she could go to a NAMI family support group? There she would find out how good she has it with you.

That "best bet" thing is sadly looking more and more likely. And that breaks my heart in a lot of ways. I really do love her, even with all her faults... but this is almost abuse feeling at this point.

Zor,

The feeling of abuse and the feeling of love can get confused sometimes and then it's hard to tell them apart. We think we're in love, but what we've really found is a prettier abuser.

Peace,

Raven

So our delay in replying was cuz we had no internet for like 10 days. We just moved, mostly are moved... but some of our stuff hasn't made it over yet.

Among the missing, Zor's wife's swimsuits... and the bag with all our cute colorful "girlie" socks for us girls. BUT some of the stuff I SWORE was in the same bag was found in a different bag. I am HOPING those didn't get tossed out b/c they are not liked... I'll be legit furious about that.

{\Pixie/}

Hi Pixie - I hear you. Hope it works out.

Iain