Painful Comments

IainEtc wrote:Hi Pixie - I hear you. Hope it works out.

Iain

WE FOUND THEM!!!! YAY!

Hey Zor. You ok? You kind of stopped talking right at a painful point. Hope you're getting it sorted.

Colin

IainEtc wrote:Hey Zor. You ok? You kind of stopped talking right at a painful point. Hope you're getting it sorted.

Colin

Yeah, I am ok. With the stress here lately, Pixie noted she almost feels like she's been "co-hosting" for a few weeks now.

The weekend my mother sent that "disowned" email was days before a T appointment, which was canceled b/c of "Snowmaggedon" (the winter weather that buried half the US southern region). It pushed house renovation work back 10 days, it caused the kids to be home ALL DAY, we were packing, waiting to move, then when it cleared up it's been "go, go, go, go, go" ever since... packing, moving, living in chaos unpacked and incomplete renovation work, and just a few days ago getting internet and the computer back together (after 10-12 days without either).

It's just been so damn hard lately.

As for the hurtful stuff on topic to the OP and when I "checked out"... IDK. I just don't know. Part of me is almost to the point of just telling her if we can't get on the same page with this, meaning she MUST accept ALL OF US in system for who/what we are, then end it. Give us $20k we got from military settlement when they put us out medically... she keeps the house, the car, most of the money, and just be done with it.

I HATE thinking that and it hurts, a TON. So I've been contemplative and quiet trying to sort out if she's willing to do that or not. Two days ago was our 19th anniversary. Literally about half my life.

Thanks Zor. Sounds rough. That storm was no joke. Sorry to hear you're struggling with your wife. Got to hurt a lot.

Colin

19 years. That's a long time. How did she deal with it, before the Dx? What has changed so radically?

& Setting boundaries with a loved one, or breaking up if needs be to have said boundaries be respected, is a very very rough thing to do. Very difficult.

& Hang in there. It is painful but, sometimes, we need to walk through pits of fire in order to reach valleys of plenty. Still hurts nonetheless, even when we think about the nice and happy that awaits us once the painful is through.

& I know it's easier said than done but, try to think long-term and compare what futures await you depending on what you decide right now. Sometimes, knowing what path leads to the brighter future, helps taking the rough decisions.

& No matter what decisions you make, the forums will be here to support you.

__
Urielle

Many significant others fall in the same traps we survivors do: denial, rug sweeping, flights into health.

When facing the prospect of a painful change of status I find it very helpful to take steps to mitigate the pain. So build life skills: ability to drive; personal accounting and taxes; bill paying; housekeeping; kitchen management; cooking. Get insurance products lined up. Balance ownership interests in property: home, auto, etc. Look for employment with better total compensation. Live affordably. Save up. All the abilities you want to develop in your children, you need for yourself. Enhance your personal safety, security, and resilience.

Sometimes that means putting therapy on the back burner, and using containment skills to keep life on an even keel. This can feel like rug sweeping, but it isn't. It is triaging the situation to get the best outcome. It is like phased trauma therapy: many of us spend most of our therapy time on phase 1 safety and stabilization work. Phase 1 is where you need to be now, while your life is in an uproar.

Be well. Stay safe.

Una+ wrote:Many significant others fall in the same traps we survivors do: denial, rug sweeping, flights into health.

When facing the prospect of a painful change of status I find it very helpful to take steps to mitigate the pain. So build life skills: ability to drive; personal accounting and taxes; bill paying; housekeeping; kitchen management; cooking. Get insurance products lined up. Balance ownership interests in property: home, auto, etc. Look for employment with better total compensation. Live affordably. Save up. All the abilities you want to develop in your children, you need for yourself. Enhance your personal safety, security, and resilience.

Sometimes that means putting therapy on the back burner, and using containment skills to keep life on an even keel. This can feel like rug sweeping, but it isn't. It is triaging the situation to get the best outcome. It is like phased trauma therapy: many of us spend most of our therapy time on phase 1 safety and stabilization work. Phase 1 is where you need to be now, while your life is in an uproar.

Be well. Stay safe.

All of that has been in the back of my mind. I know at first things would be hard, but I have a framework of a plan... if it seemed pressing I could formulate a more detailed one.
At this time I'm not separating money and stuff, but if it DOES appear inevitable, I will absolutely begin that. It will be necessary to make an easier more seamless transition.
As for employment... I can't. I'm fully disabled and I draw what I draw. I can survive on it, and if I live in a modest place, with a decent cost of living, I CAN survive and even be comfortable enough to set back money. It won't be a lavish life, but it'd be decent and allow for indulgences, events, hobbies, etc.

Again, I DON'T want this to happen... but I'm really concerned, scared even, that it could.