Trying to figure myself out

I'm trying to figure out if I have DID or not after talking to my friend. I wrote a whole thing out and hit submit earlier but I'm not sure if it worked or not so this is also somewhat of a test.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

If you had a long post that didn't submit, be advised that sometimes it helps to be sure to tick off the checkbox to keep yourself logged in, when you log in. That seems to help against posts being lost, when they take a lot of time to compose.

Thanks, buddy. I'll do that from now on!

It seems like the old post is lost to time so I should probably go into more detail here.

Basically my friend mentioned something about her DID and it reminded me pretty quickly of some of my own experiences that I've never been able to really explain. Like, unnamed imaginary friends from childhood who spoke with their own voices and who are still with me even now that I'm 21. Having a history of being abused as a kiddy and discovering DID in the early 20s is also apparently common. I've been trying to find out for years if they're something normal or not but eventually I just gave up and left them be. They don't completely match up with other experiences I've read and I've always been told I have an active imagination. I don't wanna be That Guy who makes up some mental thing to get attention, you know?

-- Well, if you use DID tools to understand better how you work (even if you are not DID per se but another dissociation type - or even if you are siglet!) it's not "making things up". You just use the tools that help you function everyday and understand how you work as a person and deal with your trauma.

-- In our country it's near impossible to get an official DID diagnosis and same goes for DID therapy. Most Ts in my area still think DID is a made-up disorder. *le sigh* So, we just, went for DID research papers and websites, blogs of DID therapists, the DID Guidelines, and let's go.

-- DID tools are about dealing with difficult emotions, listening to yourself, accepting the difficult feelings, dealing with the trauma, finding ways to organize your life so that you can work around the amnesia, building boundaries and safety behaviors to keep yourself safe. Anyone can benefit from that.

-- It's not like taking a med that will have bad effects if you do not need it or if you take the wrong dose or get interactions with other meds. It's basically, learning to love yourself/ves, to love being yourself/ves, heal the trauma, get better, live a healthy life, grounding to the here and now. DID or not, everybody can benefit from doing these things, IMO.

-- So, I guess, as long as it helps you figure things out, does not hurt to read documentation on how to get better using DID-oriented tools and try some stuff.

-- What does the rest of the forum thinks?

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Zami

I don't feel as if my opinion counts in here, but I agree with you wholeheartedly, Zami. And sorry that it's so difficult in your area to find someone with at least an open mind.

Steph

Your opinion definitely counts, Steph, and it is very much appreciated. So's yours, Zami. <3

So, it's like regardless of if I have it or don't I'm valid and not making stuff up for attention and I'm welcome to use rescources here to help me with stuff. Is that the sentiment of it? I think that's a really good sentiment, I really appreciate being told that to be honest. It's so hard with all of this psychological stuff to, like... Not doubt yourself constantly.

Thank you both for the replies! <3

I completely agree with you, Zami.

And Steph, of course your opinion counts in here--why wouldn't it?? (Or maybe that's just denial creeping in )

I can't see that DID treatment, or proceeding as if one has DID and applying the tools and techniques that are helpful for it, could be damaging or counterproductive.

If there are clear signs and symptoms of another disorder, then I suppose ignoring them could delay treatment of that other thing, but otherwise if the best explanation seems to be DID/OSDD, or another trauma-based disorder, I don't think you can go wrong with more self-exploration and self-compassion.

Isn't it a rule written down, that if you don't have self-doubt with DID/OSDD/etc, that you're doing it wrong?

Not literally maybe, but isn't it pretty much the rule, rather than the exception?

JemDragons wrote:So, it's like regardless of if I have it or don't I'm valid and not making stuff up for attention

Well ask yourself this- do you particularly relish exposing it to everyone you know? I mean, I get the same thoughts that I might be doing this for.. some ulterior motive- that is, if not actively malicious, then at the very least, disingenuous and selfish. But I certainly do not want to go tell folks who know me, that I have all these people peeking out from behind the curtain! I hide it, as much as I can, in the 3D. And here in the forums, it took a lot to get me to let the 'others' express themselves- only when they couldn't be bottled up any longer. For me, this turning out to be an affectation would be personally mortifying beyond words.

Heck no, I don't do it for the attention, and honestly, I don't see anyone here, including you, doing it for the attention. I think that holds true for most people. I'm also a self-harmer and I've had people tell me to my face SIers do it for the attention- and I couldn't refute it because the easiest way to do that would have been to show my injuries which would have... drawn attention...

And I think the same way, Gang. Don't see how it hurts to work on it as a dissociative disorder.

The way I approach this, Jem, is that for me, OSDD1b is... the most reasonable explanation for my behaviour, at this time. If a better one comes along- if I actually get the nerve to tell a professional, for example, and they tell me it's.. maladaptive daydreaming (as a child that was about all I did). Or BPD (which I think I have mild traits of). Or delusion (wouldn't put it past me). Or just me being a wally. I'll accept that other explanation. Because it will be a better one. Until then, I go on the explanation I have here, now, with what I know.

Point is- you can operate on the assumption you have something dissociative going on- if the shoe fits, with no harm! If a better fitting shoe comes along... then you can drop this as a possibility, and work on the other thing.

Steph

Y'all are all good beans. Thank you so much for this <3 T_T

'Well ask yourself this- do you particularly relish exposing it to everyone you know? I mean, I get the same thoughts that I might be doing this for.. some ulterior motive- that is, if not actively malicious, then at the very least, disingenuous and selfish. But I certainly do not want to go tell folks who know me, that I have all these people peeking out from behind the curtain! I hide it, as much as I can, in the 3D. And here in the forums, it took a lot to get me to let the 'others' express themselves- only when they couldn't be bottled up any longer. For me, this turning out to be an affectation would be personally mortifying beyond words."

The first thing I did was immediately tell my friend. I trust them hugely and we have multiple friends with DID so I knew they wouldn't judge me for it. Which they didn't, thankfully enough. They even said they'd be happy to meet anyone else, which I appreciated. I have an almost-partner as well - the kind where neither of us are sure if we're together or not but we hang out a lot and both confessed to liking each other, who I'd like to tell at some point when all of this is more than a giant question mark. Doesn't feel right to leave him in the dark about it if it could affect him.

The first thought I had after vague stress and curiosity was relief, honestly. I've wondered who and/or what these two are for over half my life and I've never had an answer from them or anyone else. Finally getting to put a name to it and have...not 'solutions' but, you know, something...was freeing. I told my friend with DID about it and she thought it sounded right but I wasn't sure so she got her other friends with DID to talk to me about it too and they agreed. But then I came on here and lots of people seem really... I dunno. Upset? Folks seem really really upset often and scared as well. I've never switched (within my knowledge) and I feel more positive about the whole thing than... I dunno, most people. Makes me wonder if I'm just being dramatic and overly imaginative and lying to people.