Acceptance of system proving very difficult; advice needed

(TW for a passing mention of past suicidal ideation; no details and no plan to take action.)

Hello again, everyone. Without belaboring things, I'd like to ask for help in coming to terms with a DID system.

It's not actually hard to accept that we have DID; we've actually known about the system on some level, however small, for 6+ years. It makes far too much sense to ignore. However, starting about two years ago, we were put into a constantly stressful and extremely triggering situation that lasted probably a month or so without end. It was almost unbearable, and it woke up an alter we had no idea existed (our system is very large/polyfragmented). This alter is constantly suicidal and plans his suicide in great detail whenever he assumes control of the body for too long, but beyond that, we lost our ability to acknowledge or take notes on our system after he "woke up".

After struggling a great deal, we managed to make a little bit of progress on writing some things down tonight (again, almost two years after this problem started), but we came out of it feeling very anxious and generally not great. It wasn't even in reference to anything particularly graphic, but it's like the act itself triggers us when it really didn't before. I don't have the energy to draw a bunch of conclusions about why that might be, because it doesn't make me feel good, but even looking at what we wrote down tonight, we're plagued by very angry/disgusted feelings. It triggers these thoughts of, "Wow, I hate my system so much," and things like that. There's very little detail for most of what we wrote, so the sentiment is vague, but very distinctly self-loathing and disturbed.

I've been trying to read other people's "stories" of their DID to try and connect with it more/bypass the "triggered" response we always have to this, and I just feel crushed. I don't understand how anyone can publicly discuss the details of their system, especially the trauma that manifested that system, particularly if the abuse was very sadistic or repetitive in nature (this is especially a trigger for us). I have an immense amount of respect for the sharing, don't get me wrong there, but I don't understand how it's possible.

Our system is generally very bad at the whole "radical acceptance" aspect of mental health recovery, save for maybe one alter; I know that's probably one good skill to work on for this, but I just feel lost. I don't know where to start, and in therapy we usually just get responses like, "Well, you have to talk to your other parts and your inner children and be nice to them," and it annoys us because that's not something we're capable of doing if we're in a state of indiscriminate hatred/doubt/aversion to the system as a whole. Rationally, I know it's not healthy or even acceptable to be so angry at other alters who are battered/children/both, but I/we can't help it. It wasn't like this until the suicidal alter was pulled back to the surface, but engaging with him is really counterproductive and has the potential to put us in real danger because he is very determined when it comes to ending his life.

If we can't resolve it with communication, what's the solution? Brute force? Doing it anyway and just dealing with the emotional fallout? Something I haven't been able to think of? It's something we have to do, but it feels so horrible, and it always feels like this whenever we try, no matter how extreme or how innocuous the subject is. Maybe it's linked to something deeper, or maybe we just can't stand ourselves.

Any and all input is valued. Thanks.

I don't understand how anyone can publicly discuss the details of their system, especially the trauma that manifested that system, particularly if the abuse was very sadistic or repetitive in nature (this is especially a trigger for us). I have an immense amount of respect for the sharing, don't get me wrong there, but I don't understand how it's possible.

It wasn't possible for us at first. We didn't even remember the worst part of it, and when the alter holding those memories started to share it with the rest of the adults, it was hard. We didn't say anything to anyone for a long time. We weren't able to share those memories, it was too painful, too scary. And we were also a bit ashamed. There was also the whole "if we say nothing, we can pretend it never happened" thing.

We're able to talk about it now first because the alter who lived it is rarely the one who talks about it ; second because we're working very hard to accept every memory we have. And it's a long process. We're lucky we have a few amazing friends, a great boyfriend, and a nice therapist who listen to us without judging or overreacting. It helps a lot to accept what happened to us.

Our system is generally very bad at the whole "radical acceptance" aspect of mental health recovery, save for maybe one alter

Ours was/is too. Even me, I wasn't that great at "radical acceptance" at first. I had to learn a lot, to overcome most of my fears, and then be an example for the rest of the system. Now, they started to be more accepting of everything, but it took us years to reach that point. And sometimes, we are still not great at accepting some parts of the system, or some memories.

If we can't resolve it with communication, what's the solution? Brute force? Doing it anyway and just dealing with the emotional fallout? Something I haven't been able to think of? It's something we have to do, but it feels so horrible, and it always feels like this whenever we try, no matter how extreme or how innocuous the subject is. Maybe it's linked to something deeper, or maybe we just can't stand ourselves.

You don't have to engage with an alter if you don't feel ready for it. If it has a negative impact and feels way too impossible, it means you have other things to work on before working with this alter in particular.

I waited a whole year after discovering we had a persecutor part before trying to get in contact with him. It wasn't easy to live with him during that time, knowing what was happening and doing nothing because we didn't know what to do and didn't feel ready to deal with him. But during this year, I also learned more about persecutors and teens with violent behaviors, and finally, when I was ready, a friend of mine came with her experience with her own persecutor, and it gave me a clear picture about what to do. When I started with him, it wasn't too scary or too difficult anymore. It wasn't easy, but I had no doubt about how to handle things.

In those past months, we tried to find a way to work with one of our Littles with our T, but every time we try a bit too much, he ends up triggered. Not much, but enough to not be able to work. So we waited, worked on safety, and on another alter's memories. Turns out, working on those two helped our Little. After few months, he started to be able to stay more and more co-conscious during our sessions with our T. Last week, he finally got involved into the EMDR work we were doing. But again, it took us months.

So it's totally okay to take your time. Everyone on this forum had to take some time at some point too. It's important to accept every alter, but you don't have to accept every alter right now. The most important is to be sure you're safe.

If working with this part isn't safe, if there's nothing you can do to make the situation safer, then you don't have to work with them now. And maybe working on safety will help this alter too. Some alters can be helped only when the rest of the system feels okay, it helps them to stay balanced.

We hope things will be better for you.