alter afraid of therapy

im not really good at phrasing things so sorry if this post doesnt make sense. my system goes to telehealth therapy a couple of times a week with a therapist who specializes in DID. im an alter who has really bad trauma and surfaced kind of recently. ive been around for a long time but i usually just kind of strayed close to the front instead of actually fully fronting. im not very stable and i would usually just freak out around the front. our therapy sessions have been really scaring and aggravating me and it got to the point that i kind of broke through and the others were able to work with me which i think im happy about because i feel calmer now but the problem is im still really scared of going to therapy and i dont want to see our therapist again. i think it will make me freak out again and i dont want to go. we have to go see her though and i dont want to try to hide in the innerworld during the session because i think it would just make everything worse. we planned on having me be co conscious while we talk to her and then ill front at some point during the session if i feel comfortable and talk to her. but i really dont want to go and thinking about it gives me a stomach ache. our therapist is nice so i dont know why im afraid to talk to her. does anyone have any experience with a part of their system reacting this way to therapy and if so do you have any advice? i want this to go well and i know we really need to do our therapy but i am dreading it so much. thank you

-- I feel soooo called out...

-- Yeah, I dont like therapy. At all. For my defense, the "therapist" we have is a psycho-analyst and thinks that DID is "some weird hysteria stuff" or "some roleplaying game".

-- ANYWAY!

-- It's completely okay and normal to have strong emotions when touching trauma material. And it's completely normal to NOT want to feel the emotions. Heck, that's what DID is all about in the first place...

-- Take your time observing from behind the front and getting to know how therapy goes. Do not hesitate to ask through your headmates, for tips and exercises to clam down your emotions, ground yourself, things like that. They always come in handy!

-- Also, it's okay if you don't want to touch trauma at first. Grounding always comes first! Trauma can wait. It's in the past, it wont move from here.

-- Take your time! Baby steps! Grounding! Self-care!

-- And, sending moral support your way coz it's always important to have moral support!

__
Zami

Agree with Zami, and we can relate as well !

Our therapist is really great. We like how she works with us, we like how she makes us feel safe, how she always asks for the opinion of everyone when we take a decision, etc.
She's exactly the kind of T we wanted.

But some of us still fear therapy. We had a couple of bad experiences with therapists that weren't specialized in DID, and it still affects us.

Some fear the moment our T will stop being nice and great.

Others are uncomfortable because she's older than us. She's around the same age as our mom, so our T is seen as an "adult" by them, and they've learned adults can't be trusted. Adults will invalidate our feelings, will minimize and normalize what happened to us. We're still working on that with our T, and slowly, it helps.

Some of us are also afraid of expressing themselves. Saying how they feel, what they think, feels like being vulnerable. Also, our father was used to humiliate us with things we said, so even if we never get actively punished for sharing our thoughts, it still feels like it's dangerous, we shouldn't do that.
Seeing the rest of the system sharing feelings and thoughts without any bad consequences slowly help them too. But yeah, it's slow. And it's normal. You can't erase an entire life of abuses like that.

I tend to be afraid to go in therapy because I fear she'll judge our progress, she'll think we're too slow ; or, when we had a rough week and don't feel like doing EMDR, I'm afraid she'll think we don't really want to get better.
I know those are only intrusive thoughts, coming from the critics my mom loves to make ; they don't depict the reality, but it's still hard to fight them. Our T helps a lot by never showing any sign of frustration when we say we can't do, or don't feel like doing this or that today.

It's been 5 months now, but we're still scared to go to therapy. Often, I wake up in the morning and I don't want to go. It's challenging, she doesn't react like others around us + we still depend on her to treat our traumas. It is scary to depend on someone.

So yep, how you feel is normal : therapy IS scary ! It brings back old feelings, because the therapist isn't like people we were used to interacting with, because of treating traumas, or just talking about triggers, and it's confusing and hard.
You can take your time. Therapy isn't a sprint.

A lot of our alters still just observe how it's going on with the ones who feel comfortable enough to talk to our T. I think only three of us have talked to her, the others aren't ready for that - and most of the time, I'm the only one talking, sharing (with their permission) what the others think and feel, so we could work a bit on it.

So even if they don't talk, even if they are afraid, observing helps them a bit more each time. One of us who was really scared now thinks about trying to talk to our T. It took five months to get there, and I think it will take again a few months before he'll try. But it's okay. Everyone need to go at their own pace.

Right now, you have a plan, and it sounds like a good plan. It's really great ! It allows you to go to your own pace, to get used to therapy.

And if you feel comfortable with the idea, maybe another alter can talk with your T about your fear ? This way, you don't have to expose yourself, but you can still try to find a solution. Knowing that sometimes, the only solution is to be reassured again and again. It can be just by observing how things went, or by talking about your fear, until the brain understand it's not a lie, it's the new reality, and slowly stops being afraid. It's okay to talk again and again about the same thing with your T, or to need to just watch what happen with others without talking. The brain needs those repetitions to understand.

We hope it will become easier soon for you ! We know well how confusing this fear can be.