The diaries of us

We're starting a new diary, or rather a series of diaries inside this one thread, for us to be seen as someone by someone in somewhere in this world, and to write down things before they get lost into amnesia.

This is meant for the use of all of our system members who just are willing to, it's meant for any of us to tell what's happening to them or us from their perspective, or to just share how they feel. It's meant for writing down things we're recalling from our past and only now have really started to understand how big effect they had. And it's meant for us trying to make sense out of the dream logic of the inner world.

And with all that else, we try again to tell the story of why we couldn't work with our ex-T anymore, but decided it's better for us without therapy than it is in her care. We want it out of the system, and to understand it. In the end things we lost because of losing therapy are the reason for a crisis and current eating disorder, because we feel we're banned from telling our story and trying to control it from leaking out.

We really hope this time people would let us tell our story about it ourselves, and wouldn't try to push their perspective about what they believe happened, when they can't have enough facts. I didn't have time to tell them yet the first time I tried. And I don't understand how it would be disrespectful, when we refuse to start concentrating on learning about a theory of someone else's in the middle of things that had nothing to do with it. Even if the theory can be insightful and wise in general and help many people, it just was not why we needed to leave our T and it is not what is most urgent thing to repair in us now. We are allowed to tell that without people getting angry. They weren't part of the relationship, and to us it means they shouldn't act like they'd have more knowledge about it than we do.

The story is what happened during 1,5 years, not about what happened in last sessions. They were just where everything started to become so evident. I should've seen it way before, but I didn't. That is something I do agree I should be blamed of, not about how we don't think boundary issues were a big issue with our T in general, or how I don't think that we should have run out from a session just because I got triggered in there. I got triggered because of something that wasn't a danger to us in reality. Trying to talk about it like an adult was not accepting abuse, it was Sami respecting my right to decide, like we have agreed, while still keeping us safe by evacuating littles in case there really is a threat and we will leave. But there wasn't, and if we had run out, I still wouldn't understand how there were things really harmful in long term between us and the T. It all started to open up, because I was allowed to have a genuine feeling in session for the first time. I still think what Sami did was wise. Surprising, but wise.

However, today is not the day I will tell more about it. I will start from that session 1 again tho, when it's time. There were some things I realized were misunderstood last time. I hope you didn't find this too argumentative. I just needed to get that out of my chest after how things went last time.

I hope you won't be scared to comment, you are of course allowed to disagree with me. Just respect we don't have to agree with you either, and both can respect that.

Today I just came to start the diary.

Flor

We're getting really tired. I've always escaped into stories inside my own mind, our mind, to the point that it's been the most important thing in whole world to me. Stories. But they're not true. There's a reality, and it's different than I've believed all these years.

I know we've severe trauma and that it means a lot of things, but regardless of that side of the real life, there's been two things I've still always believed in. That my parents did wrong things and bad things, but they are not bad people. And that my parents love me. They haven't shown it like they could and should have, but it's been something I've just known. Me and my sister, we've both always known that in a way, many ways twisted and far from perfect, but still deep down some way they do love us. What ever we do, they will.

I stopped being in contact with my mom at April 2019. I did it to grow myself, to do more therapy and be able to do my work in there without anything interfering it. Sami wanted it to be permanent solution, but there are many who have feelings and miss her, who miss mom, and we didn't say it's forever. We left it open, a chance we some day come back and give her a second chance. We cut all interactions with her then because we made clear rules where our boundaries are and she violated them the next day. And she probably thought that it's gonna be enough to not to violate them again when we come back.

Things didn't go like they were supposed to. We lost therapy and are still in crisis over a year after it. And we've been so lonely.

I used to co-host with Sami earlier, but didn't even realize it. Now I'm co-hosting with Fourteen, and things are very different. We're not fully separate, we're blended all the time. Who's there more at certain time changes, but neither of us go fully away. And then last Christmas, celebration we have avoided best we can before, since Sami hates it, this year we were emotional. We took a photo of small Christmas decorations we did, we have a little lighthouse you can put a candle inside and there were some decorations next to it, elves, one peeking behind the lighthouse and other's in front of it, like on their way someway from it. We sent it to everyone in my sister's family and to my mom.

It was stupid decision, we did in out of loneliness, out of missing something that never was the way we wanna remember it. Not because we had grown to be strong enough to be in contact with someone as troubled as she is.

She was happy, she would've wanted to call but I said no. I don't like talking on a phone, writing is my emotional language, and I wanted to talk with her and do it in our way, by writing. I wanted to explain DID to her that she wouldn't say things that hurt too much just because she doesn't understand, just because she doesn't know. It was not about boundaries, it was about bigger things.

We're not gonna get therapy we need. We are never gonna get trauma work done. We'll never integrate, this is how we are, there's plenty of us. And we wanted her to understand that and love us as who we really are.

We e-mailed for two months or so, not every day, not that many messages you'd think. It's weeks from last message now and I'm starting to be ready to talk aloud about it now. It doesn't matter what we wrote. The answer is she wants the daughter she has imagined she had and has, she doesn't love us the way we are. She doesn't love me the way I am, she doesn't care about the parts who missed her, the ones who gave her her second chance. The thing I'd always felt and believed in, that has been a wall against all bad things, that our parents still loved us and always will no matter what, was not true anyway. It's not true.

We messaged her because of loneliness and because we wanted validation, and in return we're more alone than we've ever been. The wall that's been there to support when things are going badly, isn't there anymore.

There's nothing left in our life that we care of. I'm gonna e-mail to my sister and talk about the same things and see if we have her. We don't think we have. For years I've been talking to her, like I talked to my mom about DID and they never listened to learn. They listened, because they thought it's something I wanna talk about. I didn't talk because it's important to me to get to talk, but make them understand but they showed no interest. I just didn't wanna face what it means.

We're getting really tired and for the first time in our life I'm starting to be ready to just let go. There's nothing for us to fight for. We've been hospitalized so many times and self harmed so many times but it has in the end always been to just make someone see how we feel. People don't listen to my words, because even if I'd explain we have a social mask that's gonna look and act all normal and happy, it isn't true, so please listen to what we say. But people can't understand that someone who appears so normal can be feeling bad. We've always had to proof it to be seen. But I've never wished to die, not for real. Fourteen has, but I haven't.

I know we're blended and it affects on everything, but I'm getting really tired.

Flor

Hugs, if wanted.

We're sorry you're feeling so lonely- if nothing else, you have peers here, who understand.

SystemFlo wrote:We're not gonna get therapy we need. We are never gonna get trauma work done.

Never say never, sweetie- while there's life, there's hope... says a person who themselves is frequently hopelessly hopeless in our own outlook- but just because I feel the way I do, doesn't make that saying untrue.

And as far as integration, does that have to be a goal?

Hang in there, and hugs, if wanted.

Winter seems to be over, it's so much light now I feel way better than I've felt after coming back from my "break" after the crisis started. I start to think the crisis starts to be over, at least mostly and at least for me. When thinking about winter, it brings Game of Thrones and the scary sound of "The winter is coming" to my mind. And I kind of feel like I'd be back from Game of Thrones or some parallel reality, now again in the realities and .. and kind of embarrassed because I realize all other people have lived in here while I was in here too, but felt like .. just not in realities.

I had a depression, that's for sure. And when I have it, the first and biggest symptom of it is that I start to feel all other people hate me. Like if there's a system in here that I haven't really communicated with, it has to be because they have done their best to avoid me. Even tho I equally haven't reacted to their writings specifically either, and it's not because I hate them. And since there's a lot of them, and some of them are friends, it has to be against me. When they ask from their friend are they OK I'm just so sad and angry and bitter nobody asked from me, although we were in the same situation.

I don't recall feeling paranoia in the level I did now. Maybe it's the solitude, and social contacts being online. There's a lot of room for imagination, because you can understand a thing so many different ways, way more than you can when there is more context and tones and facial expressions etc. Because I have felt everyone hates me before too. And it's been my family and people from work then. And for many years I haven't been severely depressed, and I could swipe it away with "This is a symptom of depression. Do not fall for it, there will be time you realize what you experience now wasn't true." But knowing that didn't help this time, I more of questioned how stupid I am sometimes for not seeing all of this.

Because of that, and some other things that have happened, I've started to really think if I do actually have BPD. It wasn't clear before, because I didn't want to interact with people. Therefor there was no real conflict, even tho there was feelings of being hated etc. But I didn't want friends or be close with anyone, but be left alone. Well, it was because I shared the Throne with Sami and he doesn't need people outside the system. He tried to live a life in outside world but it's impossible and a lot why he is the way he is nowadays, is because of giving up and changing plans. He used to be social and fun. He still can be, but Lucas has a lot how he used to behave before. Their reasons are still different tho. But that still kind of means, it never was my feelings and thoughts anyway to be that introverted, because I'm not now hat I'm not closest with Sami.

Now I'm sharing the Throne with Fourteen, and he's kind of the one who has been dx'd with having BPD. But it has not been him feeling those emotions, it has been me. But I felt like that when I was mixed with Sami too, that that is who I am. And now I have no clue, who am I. Is there anything that is me, or am I just switching, and for some weird reason not feeling I'm the one that I am, Sami then and Fourteen now, but feel them like thy were outside of me.

Well that's obviously true to some extent, because in the end we are only one person. It just seems like they have "borders" and I don't. So, is that it's them feeling something and I just can't tell it's not me when it happens? But why don't they act the way they should if it would be their feelings. Or do I change based on who am I closest with being different myself, to mach with them??

This is not what I was thinking of writing. Instead I got totally lost and confused. I'm not sure if I exist at all.

That would be a kick ass plot twist. Fourteen lived years inside, and forgot the outside, even tho he visited here he just didn't see it. He found out he has DID and it ended up with him realizing he is not a person like he thought he is, but an alter in someone else's body. He knew he has DID, but in his body. And now we'd found out it was a mistake and in fact he was right, and we're a 14 year old boy.

I'd love that.

It's not true, is it? It's never gonna be true, but it's all I've ever wished for.

Hi it's me Leon!

I wanned write to place for sad littles but I not see it at all. I looked carefull but I dint see it. I writen in here it say all can write here if little then too its all can write here. There no other little reading I wanted write in littles place but I didnt find the sad place and im sad. Do other little see this? Or bigs?

Im sad becouse I wented to play in my own inner place that I made myself long time ago I liken it a lot. I made it all myself. It was nothing and I make my own world there like I wanted it. Noone see it but me. I dont know how to make it like other can see.

Inside it was before black and empty but I can look carefull and then I see. I can see trouh wals. They almost invisible but then I started seen them and then I can not no see them again. Its rooms that have boys inside. Not littles boys like me or big boys but boys bigger than me. Like elias and Oliver and other like Oliver they many. They all alone in rooms and scared or sad or being empty inside heart and tummy and it sad. And I sad and then I bilded my own place there and made trees grow and I have lots of forest trees and an apple tree that has apples fallen out. I dont eat them I dont eat in inside place its to go adventure and I llok at ground and have my wellies and raincoat they yellow. Its autumn in there I like it becouse it smels good and like apples smels. And theres mushroms, lot of big red mush roms with white dots. Some of apples are all brown they went no-no eat food, but i like stepping them with my wellies. They go splurts! Its not raining but its bit of raining little rains that stay in air not fall down. Its my own little forest I go around and find things and I can splish splash in wheres wet and jump and wated goes splash!

And I went there today to have an adventure but ten i listened and looked around in air too carefull and I could see the rooms and boys in them again and I m sad.

I never look around in air i look the ground and find there things because it's my secret own forest for adventure. But then i looked up an I see them again like almost invisible an I dont wanna see them.

I wanna make it a Peter Pan land for all lost boys, but they dont see me they see their room and they never come outside and if they come they cant see my forest because I cant make a forest for others to see. It just mine but it not feeling happy anymore. My trees grow in their rooms.

LEON

Hi Leon,

I found it for you:

post2277411.html?hilit=littles%20talk%20difficult#p2277411

I found it by putting "littles talk difficult" in the search box at the top.

Because I think not many littles would see what you wrote here.

I didn't read every word, but I'm sorry you're sad.

--from someone sort of little I think

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Hi Leon,

I found it for you:

post2277411.html?hilit=littles%20talk%20difficult#p2277411

I found it by putting "littles talk difficult" in the search box at the top.

Because I think not many littles would see what you wrote here.

I didn't read every word, but I'm sorry you're sad.

--from someone sort of little I think

Thank you youre nice sort of little.

LEON