The beginning of our journey

- You are doing your best and trying to communicate. So, yes, I would say, you are doing it right. Trying a lot of different things in order to connect.

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Solomon

I agree with ArbreMonde I don't think there's a right or wrong, you're attempting to communicate, and that's what will work itself out as you keep doing different things.

Thanks guys again for the support and advice. <3

There has been a couple better, stable days. I went to the store and suddenly everything was really triggering and I didn't know why and I rushed back to my home haha. Played some Minecraft, chilled and talked on a phone with a friend.

I don't remember has anyone told here already but my bf and I are having a break. Not to think about are we a good couple or anything, but he had these unexplained rage outburtsts (because of his own traumas) towards me so he decided to organize his thoughts for a while. And it's all good, I totally understand. But since I've also been in a bad place for a while and quitted talking to my mom and have almost no one rn at my side, I was kind of worried how it would turn out to be. But actually I'm quite proud of myself. Still, I miss him and I wished I could speak to him, but at the same time I want to respect his decision and give him space. Missing someone - I just don't like that feeling.

Oh and yes, to emphasize all the doubts with people around possible DID/DDNOS I want to tell this:
I took that MID questionnaire online for myself (yeah that doesn't mean anything since I'm not a professional and so on but I was bored) and I was thinking "oh well, I did answer many of them 0-3, maybe this finally shows me I'm just imagining all of it". Well, I read the results and it said validity scores are in acceptable limits (whatever that means), no BPD but I may have PTSD and also DID/DDNOS. Then I was like "oh I must have understood something wrong or exaggarated something, let me reduce some answers" - and the overall result didn't change at all. So stupid. Now I'm just going to put this thought somehow aside and focus on the small problems, trying to work on those. Makes me ######6 crazy but now that I've started to realize what might be causing most of my problems, I notice them even better and it's hard.

I'm only seeing my mental health person once every two weeks and now I'm starting to notice how damn long that time is. Therapy would be once every week but I'm not really in a place to start it yet. How do you even evaluate that kind of stuff, when you are in a good place or the time is right. Duh.

- L

It's really hard when I take tests, I try really hard to not um... influence the results in what I think I ought to be, or even want to be, if that makes sense. I understand what you feel about that.

Snaga wrote:It's really hard when I take tests, I try really hard to not um... influence the results in what I think I ought to be, or even want to be, if that makes sense. I understand what you feel about that.

Same here, I went it trough with my friend who I've also had a relationship with and changed some of the answers with him. MID mean score was still 34. I'll ask a professional to take the test with me someday.

We did our first system mapping! It's still a bit unsure and there might be more parts since it's still hard to distinct some parts from another. But we're making progress and that's good.

I've been stuck in the front for a while now because I've been home all alone so there isn't much triggers. Now I understand why everyone says how exhausting it is. I have been also forced to realize through system mapping and trying to understand our system that I'm not very functional compared to some other parts, and my ego can't handle it since I'm the host. I should do better, right? I can't get myself to clean, to do exercise, staying in the right path, anything good. I'm the one who is lazy, unsure and completely lost.

I drank for the whole weekend (I quitted it a long time ago even I don't have an actual drinking problem but I don't do well when drinking) and I feel bad for it, I think some parts are angry at me now. Even it's peaceful now, I just can't seem to handle how my mind works. There is so much happening but I can't get a grip of it since no one wants to talk with me and I don't know why. I want to get some control and understanding, this can't keep going on like this..

renegadex wrote:I'm not very functional compared to some other parts, and my ego can't handle it since I'm the host. I should do better, right? I can't get myself to clean, to do exercise, staying in the right path, anything good. I'm the one who is lazy, unsure and completely lost.

You and me both, Sister. Are you sure you're not me? I empathise so much.

Okay so we've made some progress probably. It's hard to speak about it now, maybe because it wasn't exactly my enlightment (but V's, I guess)? And because of my denial it sounds so awkward, but I thought maybe this is some kind of an co-operation if I'd share and try to be on the same page, I don't know.

She noticed some pattern in our latest switches. She came to conclusion that our struggles and confusing/self-sabotaging behaviour on the last weekend was probably some of our EPs. Our friend told that we seemed really stuck, depressed and tired that day, and because we have only some vague memory of it and it doesn't fully relate to us in a way, it makes sense. And then I suffered the feelings after it.

Thank god V came to our rescue and handled today, cleaned the house and did some adult stuff. I was already so desperate about handling things on my own since I struggle so much with my denial, our whole life situation and everything that I'm pretty useless right now. V showing up suddenly also showed how self confident she is with this system stuff. At least one of us is.

Start of TW - Some mentions about childhood but nothing specific

I think this EP is stuck in that time we were so alone. I don't have any memory about extreme childhood abuse, only emotional and betrayal types and even those are blurry and unsure.

End of TW

But analyzing her behaviour and stuff seems like she might be seeking for some approval and company and can't handle well being alone. I think V and I have to figure out how to help her and create some space to find those in a healthy way without doing anything outside our values. I can't say what kind of co-consciousness or co-operation we share with V but it just feels we are close and pretty consciouss what we both think, feel and do. And now when I started to write about this even it felt awkward and strange first, it now seems more natural so I think she has become closer to the surface. I don't know haha.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my mental health professional but I have to think how to express some of the stuff we've noticed and figured out without mentioning parts/alters since we haven't talked about it yet and we're so not ready for it.

renegadex wrote:Start of TW - Some mentions about childhood but nothing specific

I think this EP is stuck in that time we were so alone. I don't have any memory about extreme childhood abuse, only emotional and betrayal types and even those are blurry and unsure.

End of TW

-- Childhood neglect is enough to cause trauma and dissociation...

-- Good luck with the T. I hope you'll find ways to talk about the emotional traumas and also, ways to care for your wounded EP.

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Zami

I'm back!

One of us doesn't seem to support the thought of being a system, so this exploration went into a break and the whole thing was forgotten for some time. This kind of thing happens all the time with other things and with ppl also. Also our intimate relationship got into a crisis, so we drank. For three whole weeks. I think one of us has a real problem with alcohol, and she handles certain things by drinking. For example anger, confusion, betrayal, fear of losing ppl etc. I assume this because normally we don't feel like drinking at all, even if it's hard.

Our internal communication at least verbally isn't gotten any better. But I feel there is some nonverbal understanding that has gotten better.

We have two therapists appointment coming up to see if one of them could be good for us. We could start the therapy this summer prob, but we have to get evaluated first. I'm anxious about this since I have to meet a psychiatrist and meeting new health care ppl makes me think something bad is going to happen, some betrayal or whatnot, even tho it ends up being usually completely pointless and stupid afterwards and everything goes fine. I bet you know what I mean still. It's hard to trust. Anyway I'm super excited about this, I want to know how to feel and become better.

I started a new job and it makes me really tired and increases my dissociation a bit. But ppl are super good and I love my job, so I hope it's going to be okay.

I hope everyone here is doing good, I love this forum even tho I'm at the point where I can't really give advices to others and being away from time to time.

Welcome back!