The beginning of our journey

So to avoid the spam, I decided to start our own thread since I feel it's good for us to write down our experiences and also the possibility to reflect it to others. Here we go.

The whole thing actually came to my mind since this is actually maybe the first time I noticed I am not the host, the original one, or whatever. I don't know. We haven't figured out what is the best word for us, not yet anyway. Tho I am out a lot, and we have atm maybe 3-4 of us who are out the most. The host, me, a teenager and our "caretaker". There is also this one part who is more negative one. We also heard an older guy speaking once in our headspace but he's been so quiet I wonder what is that. Our body is female and 30yo and what I know most of us are female also so if he really is around things are going to get even more interesting I bet. But yeah, one of the best ways I've learned to different each other in the moment is our bf, how we feel about him personally and all that.

It's actually really confusing when you realize you're not "the original one" in the system, that's why I want to write about it. I was getting anxious when I started to wonder what is my purpose in all this. I'm not so able than our possible(?) "caretaker" (we call her V) when it comes to socializing and getting things done, but I thought I might be at least the one who can take our focus to light/distracting stuff when it's overwhelming (like playing Minecraft haha). I'm also a bit autistic one I think, since our ability to socialize is not very natural and good when I'm around. I don't have my own name yet, is it normal an alter not to have a name? Not to know they're alter before the truth comes up? Really confusing all this I'd say.

We're still mostly happy about all this because it gives us hope. Things have names and reasons so there's a possibility we can heal and become better. And sorry if our English is sometimes bad in this thread, I've noticed some of us are not so good at it.

It's me again. We are apparently mostly co-conscious, but it burdens me how we get amnesia about amnesia so we kind of have to trust other people. Trust isn't something that comes naturally for us and makes some of us a bit paranoid. Also this knowledge about being possibly a system makes us doubt things, even it is kind of clear now that this isn't a normal way to experience things. Still sometimes it makes us doubt our sanity and it truly sucks.

Yesterday I was able to speak about this a bit with our bf. We have been discussing about dissociation before, and he took our experience very well. Very naturally. It was not surprising since all the stuff we have been talking about and what has happened between us finally points straight to that when you think about it.

I've noticed today when I talked on a phone for a couple of times, afterwards I get an icky headache, start to yawn and get really thirsty. It has happened before. I wonder is it because there's a switch? Maybe there sometimes has to be because of the communication or something. I don't know. After I talked with my friend I decided to make us some goals for this year.

This year's goal for us is to:
- find better communication and understanding about the system
- start therapy
- find and set boundaries to us and other people
- not be in contact with mom, she makes us sick

This is me, at least mostly, the host, I'll use the first letter of my name, L.

Trigger Warning - Nightmares, death, violence, etc

I've been having these chronic nightmares every night for the last week or two. Where my son dies, sea full of bodies, different types of violence, illegal imprisonment, and so on... I have been having a really stressful year, tho the last couple of months it's been better. The last few weeks I've been spending time at my bf's place, and he says I sometimes cry in middle of the sleep. Sometimes I wake because of it.

End of Trigger Warning

And even longer time I've been feeling someone is in real pain inside of me, like my mind is in alert, and also the blabber in my head for the past weeks has been more aggressive and loud. Most of the time I can't make sense of it, like you're hearing conversations through a wall or something. The blabber happens mostly before going to sleep and when I wake up.

I, myself, can't feel almost any stress, anxiety or pain. My body is obviously reacting to the situation or at least to something, I have stress-based rash and getting these random bruises and pain all over my body... But we even measured my blood pressure and it's totally fine. I wonder is someone trying to communicate with me through these dreams? These dreams have been really wide variety of different things, but I'm worried since if someone in pain is trying to tell me something then I don't understand it and I don't know how to help.

I wouldn't hurry this but these sleep problems and all affects to the whole well-being. I wish someone could tell me what is happening...

- L

♥ We have noticed in here that, before, during and right after sleeping, are the moments when we can more easily communicate with each-other. This might be the case for you too.

♥ Without rushing things, when you feel a part of you is in pain, you can try to talk to them. "I know that you are in pain. Thank you for telling me. I hope I can help you feel better. I am here for you if you need me." Things like that.

♥ You can also try leaving a notebook beside your bed, always at the same place, with a pen. Before going to bed, you can repeat to yourself and your parts that whoever wants to write in the notebook, can do so. Just, remember to date and sign what you write, and leave notebook and pen where you found them.

♥ It might not work. But it might also encourage your different parts to try to communicate more with you (host part, I presume).

♥ Good luck on your journey of self-discovery!

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Lust

ArbreMonde wrote:♥ We have noticed in here that, before, during and right after sleeping, are the moments when we can more easily communicate with each-other. This might be the case for you too.

I hope it will be, at the moment the communication is really hard.

Thank you so much for the advices, they're really welcomed at this point. <3

Hi, this is V.

We're going to see our son who is in the foster care. I'm, or most of us are, glad that is me who woke up this morning. The last few times our shy autistic part, has been mostly fronting and it makes communication and being present for our son hard..

We have learned that we have this alter, called Ami, who is a teenager version of the "original part". Tho I don't think there has ever been one original part. She is the one who gives us a lot of troubles, because she is even paranoid when it comes to avoiding getting hurt. She has seen so much abuse and manipulation. She is so angry and hurt. I hope we can reach out to her so she can move on. I bet she is also behind these nightmares (also our evil part who says really intrusive and bad things to us), but yeah she obviously suffers.

I have taken this caregiver title, but I don't think I've been here that long and feel like I should learn more about all this so I could do the best job as a caregiver. But yes, this is very interesting.

Anyway, we miss our boy so much and I'm happy to be able to hug him soon.

We're probably getting to therapy at some point, yaay. We met our nurse today and she was so nice and a therapist also. I was really anxious before going but now totally relieved. She said I should def get some therapy for trauma issues and whatnot.

I don't know who I am at the moment, it's 3am here and I've been dissociating a lot for a couple of days and even I'm happy that today went well, talking even a little bit about the past somehow still triggered this. But it's ok.

Also I just opened up the laptop and someone has been playing Minecraft and we lost our freaking house. I should have a talk that MAYBE each of us should have our own game save from now TY VERY MUCH. Phew.

Hi, it's V. Mostly, at least? I don't want to even think about it, makes me confused and then depressed. Anyway. We've had a few bad days. It ended up to dissociating heavily. L, the host, was several days alone and we probably switched after that to our younger one who got some stuff done during the day. L is so depressed. She can't do anything. I'm not okay either. And now my head hurts.

I wish I had a friend to talk about this with. We need support but we can see our nurse only once every two weeks. I don't know who I am, who we are, are we or am I just ######6 crazy. Our life is chaotic piece of $#%^ and we are so alone.

oTo Take a deep breath, honey! You are not crazy. You are confused, but not crazy. And it is totally normal and valid to feel confused in your situation!

oTo If it can comfort you, we feel confused about who we are, at least twice a day. It became a habit. When it happens, we take a deep breath and try to take not of what we know for sure about our present identity state: gender, orientation, handwriting style, how we nickname our cat (yes it depends on who we are), what kind of book we would like to read, what kind of snack/tea we would like to have... And if we do not know, well, it's okay too. We noticed that we do not know at the moment. We will know later.

oTo It is perfectly okay to not know at one point in time. Breathe. It shall pass. Like a kidney stone, but it shall pass.

oTo You are not alone. The forum is with you in spirit and has your back!

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Trisha

ArbreMonde wrote:oTo You are not alone. The forum is with you in spirit and has your back!

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Trisha

Thank you so much for your comforting answer.

Actually I KIND OF HAD A BREAKTHROUGH. Yesterday after I wrote this and went to bed, I tried this mindfullness/meditation exercise how to connect the inner world and your parts. Well, first time I tried it - nothing. BUT THEN. I did the exercise again and when I asked is there something I should know or do you need anything, very distinct male voice answered suddenly like before I ended the sentence: "beanie". Lol this is so stupid but it was to distinct and hugely different than my own female voice. I don't know what it meant and I didn't connect to him again but I had took my beanie off from my head like 30min ago before going to bed. I tried talk today to him again but nothing, but I think I'm not fully at least the part that was doing it yesterday so maybe that's the reason. Or I just spooked him off. I remember there was also distinct female voice with a higher pitch who tried to say something just when the male one spoke up but didn't understand what she was saying. But yeah I went to bed really confused but the same time kind of relieved like "maybe I'm not just a crazy person afterall'.

Edit. Oh yeah and forgot to mention, that while trying to connect him again today I even putted my beanie back on like "is this what you want, the beanie is on my head now dude" but still nothing. Am I doing this right?